Title: Hole in My Life [for Lia]
(Chapter 22 of Don't Stop the Dance)
Dawn and Spike have some moments alone.
Author: Xionin
Rating: R
Pairing: Buffy/Spike.
Feedback: Pretty please! I'm addicted.
Disclaimer: Joss asked me to bake him some cookies. I told him 10 minutes. 10 lousy minutes! 5 minutes into the baking he sticks his hand into the oven. Burning himself on the melting chocolate, he turns and looks at me grinning maniacally.
"Xio, didn't you now I like half-baked cookies?" 'Yeah' I told him, shaking my head in disgust. 'I heard.'
Merci!: Miss Kitty the Supercalafragilistic-beta!
Hole in My Life
A thin, ray of sunlight slices diagonally across the other side of the room. Spike hears it burning through the remnants of cool, evening air. It's later than he thought if the sun is reaching this side of the house already.
Haven't slept that well in a while. He thinks to himself with a smile.
Tangled in the sheets, he suddenly becomes aware of the emptiness beside him. Buffy is gone.
He sits up, his curls sticking every which way, and runs his hand over his face. Getting out of the bed he grabs his jeans off the floor, jumps into them, pulls on his t-shirt and opens the bedroom door. The door to the second bedroom is open. No sign of anyone inside. There's no one in the bathroom either.
Spike frowns and turns towards the kitchen. Dawn is sitting at the table with a banana, looking through a National Geographic and munching away.
"You're up!" She grins at his appearance. "Sort of. Maybe you should take a sh-"
"Where's Buffy?" Spike looks around him for sign of the blonde.
"She…um…here." Dawn stands and hands Spike a folded note. "I didn't read it." Spike's face falls. His hand begins to shake as he holds the note in his fingers as if it were dipped in holy water. He's deathly afraid to open it. "Spike?" He continues to stare at the paper as Dawn calls his name. It's only when she touches his hand that he jumps and drops it to the floor. He looks up at her and attempts a smile.
"Sorry, bit…thanks." He bends over and retrieves the slip of paper. "How long 'as she been out?" He tries to squelch the sinking feeling in his stomach as Dawn explains.
"She left early. She said you gave her some information and she wanted to check it out." Sensing Spike's anxiety, she places her hand on his arm and he looks up at her.
"Spike. She'll be fine. We're supposed to meet her later." She smiles warmly. Spike returns it shakily. He is very concerned for Buffy's safety, but he is also worried that last night had done more harm than good for her. For them. She'd left without saying goodbye. Perhaps it really had been a mistake.
"Wanna banana?" Dawn asks, doing her best to sound cheery. Truth is she's worried too. She half-heartedly wishes it were nighttime so that Spike could have gone with her impatient sister. When she'd tried to get Buffy to wait, the only thing Buffy had said was that there was no more time for waiting. Those few words made Dawn nervous as heck.
"Nah." Spike turns from the kitchen and heads into the living room. He plops down on the couch and places the note on the coffee table in front of him.
Bugger.
Last night was amazing: a bloody dream come true! She was so tender…gentle. She finally allowed me to show her how I feel, but…maybe it was too much; too intense.
He sits back on the couch, resting his head on the cushions behind him and closes his eyes. He can still see her skin glowing in the candlelight. The look in her eyes. It was almost as if-
Right. 'nough o' that.
He sits up and grabs the note, opening it before he can chicken out. He begins to read, ignoring the shaking of his hands.
Spike,
Sorry about leaving a note like this. I've never been good at morning-afters. OK, even I know that was a lame joke. I just don't want you to think that I didn't want to be here when you woke up. I really, really did. I didn't wake you when I left because you looked so cute and peaceful. I've never seen you like that before. I like it, so don't raise those eyebrows at me because I called you cute.
Anyway, I thought about what you said and I think maybe you were right. I've gone back to the winery. If we have any sort of chance of beating this, I've got to find out what Caleb's hiding. I know you probably wanted to come along, but this is something I've got to do on my own. Just know that last night wasn't 'nothing' to me. It was 'something'. Maybe when all of this is over, we can sort things out. There's too much to say and so little time and I really don't want to put it here. So, we'll talk. OK?
Please look after Dawn. And yes I know you would even without my asking, so thank you.
Love,
Buffy
Love. Buffy.
Spike re-reads the note several times before folding it neatly and slipping it into his pocket. Love. Buffy. Seeing those two words in her handwriting with his name at the top sends fantastical daydreams through his head. He sits back once again and closes his eyes. Dawn is on her second banana in the kitchen, strangely content in these unfamiliar surroundings. He can hear her humming softly and it makes him smile.
What if this was their house? His and Buffy's and Dawn's. They could be a family, couldn't they? Sure in some parallel universe where insanity rules, you git. He sighs heavily and gets up, walking back to the kitchen.
"Everything ok?" Dawn asks between bites.
"Yeah, niblet, s'cool" Spike smiles and runs his hand over the top of her head.
"Hey!" She pretends to scowl at him for rumpling her brown locks. "I don't even have a brush with me."
"We'll go back 'nd get your stuff, platelet, don' worry." He opens the fridge, half expecting to see a pint of blood. Of course there isn't any. He opens the freezer, which is rapidly defrosting with the lack of electricity, and pulls out a half-frozen bag of onion rings. Turning to the stove, he thanks the powers that it is gas and not electric. He turns on the oven and smiles at the whoosh sound of the pilot light.
"Well, it's not a bloomin' onion, but it'll do." He turns to Dawn and she rolls her eyes. He smiles wickedly.
20 minutes later the pair are picking over the tray of slightly burned snack food. Neither speaks and their movements are distracted and slow. Occasionally one will look at the other as if they're going to speak and then sigh and looks away. After 10 minutes or so of this, Spike finally breaks the silence.
"She's fine." He affects his most reassuring tone of voice as he states this to Dawn. She smiles appreciatively. He smiles in return, but it's obvious that he is having more trouble believing the words. Dawn studies him for a moment as he continues to pick at the tray.
"Spike?" He looks up at her.
"Yeah?" His eyes are soft and there's a hint of fear in them.
"Can I ask you a question?" She puts a burnt piece back on the tray and wipes her hands on her jeans. He nods as she levels her eyes in his. Blue into blue. "Are you still in love with my sister?" Spike's mouth drops open at the question. He breaks his gaze away from her face and looks at the floor searching for words.
"W-why do you ask, nib?" He rubs his hand across his forehead several times and stands up to clear the tray away.
"I'm not angry or anything. I think we've both gotten over the ugly stuff. Right?" She turns her body towards him.
"Right, well-" Spike sits the tray in the sink and turns on the water.
"So…be honest with me. Are you still in love with Buffy?" Dawn already knows the answer to her question, but she needs to hear him say it. She's watched the pair of them dance around each other for the last few days and she knows that something happened between them last night. Still, when Buffy had come to her this morning with the note, she'd seen the panic in her eyes. And now Spike is tangibly frightened to answer her simple question.
Spike turns his back to the sink and leans against it facing her. Nope. No longer a little girl, she's a little woman. Asking difficult questions, she is. It's his turn to study her and he sees so much of Buffy in her that the smile reaches his lips before he realizes it. She smiles too.
"You're a lot like her." She smiles wider. "And you both have so much of Joyce in you, it's incredible s'what it is."
"You're avoiding the question." She still smiles at the compliment, cocking her head to the side in mock impatience. For emphasis, she crosses her arms. Spike laughs.
"Yep, jes' like 'er. Alright niblet, I'll tell you the truth." Dawn straightens up and leans her elbows on the table.
"All ears." Spike crosses back to the table and sits across from her.
"And this doesn't leave this room." He chides. Dawn makes the motion of crossing her heart and puts up the scout's honor sign before resuming her attentive position. Spike's eyes twinkle as he smiles at her.
"I love you Dawn." Spike's tone turns very serious, suddenly. This catches the young girl off guard. Her eyes go wide and she fights the blush rising to her cheeks. "I jes'…wanted you to know that." He continues, his voice soft and full of warmth. He smiles at her.
"I love you too Spike." She beams at him and he closes his eyes. This is his girl. His Dawn.
"But you haven't answered my question." She smirks at him when he opens his eyes.
"Yes." He says softly. Dawn's smile fades as she watches the emotions overtake him. He is still smiling a little, but his eyes are incredibly sad. She hasn't seen that look since, well, since that summer.
"Does she know? I-I mean…have you told her?"
"No." His voice is even softer and a bit labored. Dawn frowns in confusion.
"Why not?" She asks innocently. Spike lets out a long sigh. He shakes his head and searches the ceiling for the answers.
"I…I can't, Dawn." He looks at her confused expression. "It…wouldn't be right." Dawn's confusion turns into disbelief.
"What? Wouldn't be right? What are you, nuts?"
'It…this…is a bad time…the worst time, Dawn, for…all of this." He places his hands flat on the linoleum surface of the table. "We're in the middle of a war, nib."
"Which makes it the perfect time, Spike. God! What if one of you doesn't-" Her voice trails off. "What if one of you doesn't make it out of this?" Spike studies her for awhile.
"It won't be her, Dawn. I promise you that. She'll not die. Not again." His jaw clenches a little.
"What if it's you, Spike? You'd be okay leaving her without her ever knowing?" Dawn trembles at the implication of her own words. Spike dead? Buffy dead? What if I die?
"She'll know. I've left…something for her. Listen-" he sits forward. "I left a letter for her, in my case…under the cot. When we go back there, I'll give it to you. I need you to make sure she gets it if…"
"A note?" Dawn takes serious offense at the notion. "You're leaving her a letter? Spike, you have to tell her."
He stands up exasperated. "I can't! Dawn, I can't!" He's trembling and his voice is breaking. Dawn jumps up and goes to him.
"Spike? What is it?"
"She doesn't…I can't do that to her again." He searches Dawn's face for understanding.
"She doesn't what? Doesn't love you? Spike, of course she does!" Dawn's smile doesn't faze him though, he breaks loose from her and paces the kitchen.
"Listen, I know she loves me. I know it. Do you think I don't know that? I do. It's just-" He closes his eyes tightly willing the tears back. "She's not in love with me, Dawn. She never could be. She'll always-"
"Always what, Spike?" Dawn cautiously walks over to him.
"Her heart will never belong to me, niblet. S'just the way it is. She'll never be mine, not the way I am hers and God I can't believe I'm telling you this." He turns from her again. She reaches out and touches his arm.
"Spike. I don't know why you have this idea in your head, but I know my sister. She loves you. She loves you more than anyone in the world."
"No, nib, she loves you more than anyone in the world." He smiles at her. She returns it.
"Ok, yeah, that's true." They both laugh a little. "But I know what I'm talking about. She's crazy about you."
Spike stares at her for a moment. Should he believe her? Dawn is very young, and maybe prone to flights of romantic fancy. But...
Dawn gestures towards the table and the both sit down. Spike starts to say something, but Dawn raises her hand for him to be quiet.
"You..." she begins, searching for just the right words. It's times like this when she wishes she could call upon the millennia or two of knowledge the 'key' supposedly possessed. Being a teenager in a world full of grown-ups and grown-up problems, well, let's just say it isn't all fun and games. More like all ghouls and vamps. Dawn sighs a deep breath.
"Spike. You are a fairytale." Spike frowns and draws back from her, but before he can protest she clarifies.
"You were the guy, the bad guy, that did everything under the sun. You were the villain." He lowers his head and nods. "You think I don't know what you were? You told me stories, yeah, but I also read about the exploits of 'William the Bloody' in Giles' books."
"Oh, Dawn, I-"
"No. Just listen, 'k?" Spike nods again. "I know you were the Big Bad. I know that it isn't a joke, ok? Buffy knows that too. But...what we also know is that you've changed." Spike's eyes become incredibly soft at her statement.
"You really believe I've changed?"
"I know you have, Spike. I can feel it. Buffy can too." She smiles a small smile.
"Well...thanks, bit. You've no idea what that..." He chokes back the tears that threaten. My girl.
"You're the fairytale, Spike. You were evil and your love for one person changed you. It...what's that word...redeem!" She smiles at the discovery. "It redeemed you. You got back your soul, Spike. Your soul!" She pauses, looking at him as she shakes her head in disbelief. "Do you know how huge that is? Man, I thought that when Giles found out he'd be bombarding you with questions."
Spike rubs his hand on the back of his neck. "Yeah, well, Rupert wasn't too keen on havin' me back 'ere. I'm sure he wasn' thinkin' about me havin' a bloody soul or not."
"Do you hate him?" Her question takes him by surprise.
"Why? He has every right to not want me back 'ere, sweet bit. After-"
"Does he have the right to kill you?" A flush of color rises to her cheeks. Spike squints his eyes at her trying to suss out the cause.
"Why would you say somethin' like that?"
"I know what he did, Spike. Him and Principal Wood." Spike inhales an unnecessary breath.
"Who told you? Nevermind, it doesn' matter. Do you know why they...did that?"
"Well...no. I mean- I know why Giles hates you, because of you and Buffy and you being William the Bloody and all." She smiles nervously. "But I don't get the principal. I mean he and Buffy only went on one date." Her joke falls a little flat on Spike who is nervous-as-hell to tell her the real reason behind the assassination attempt.
"I killed his mum." Dawn's nervous giggles cease immediately. "She...was...a slayer. Like Buffy. Good. Very good. One of the best, from what I hear." He glances up at Dawn. Her eyes are saucers as she takes in the details of this latest revelation. "We danced. I won. He's been lookin' for me ever since." He finally rests his eyes in hers, ready to accept her disgust and eventual retreat.
"Ok, One, she was the Slayer. I'm not saying that what you did was ok, but you were a vamp and she was the Slayer which brings me to my second point. You aren't that person anymore, Spike." His expression turns from one of shame to confusion to awe. "You changed what you were, who you were, Spike. That's pretty amazing." She smiles. "The person Principal Wood has been looking for all this time doesn't exist anymore." She reaches over and takes his hand in hers.
"I wish it were that simple, niblet." He reaches up his free hand and cups her face. "When did you grow up? I feel like I've missed so much." He smiles.
"You have." She returns the smile. "And you're going to miss more if you don't tell Buffy how you feel. How you really feel." Spike let's out an audible sigh.
"Dawn...there are so many reasons for me to tell her and only one reason not to." He folds his arms across his chest.
"What's the reason?" She asks softly.
"Wha'?" He's momentarily lost in thought. "Oh, well..."
"C'mon, Spike. What is it?" She folds her arms across her chest, mimicking his position.
"I..." He looks off to the side looking for a way not to tell Dawn the truth. Finally meeting her inquisitive gaze, he gives up any hope of lying to her. "Angel."
Dawn's expression changes instantly. She stiffens and blinks rapidly a few times before nodding her head. She has nothing to say to that. She knows the whole story. Of course, she thinks Buffy is crazy not to fall head over heels with this amazing guy sitting across from her, but Buffy's always been...well, Buffy. But still, she's was so sure that what she sees in her sister's eyes when they fall on Spike is more than friendship.
It is definitely love. But in love? What if Spike is right?
The pair sit in uncomfortable silence for a long while. Finally, Dawn thinks of a way to get Spike out of the funk she's brought upon him with her silly questions.
"Hey, why don't you tell me a story? Like you used to?" She smiles her sweetest girly smile at him. It used to work all the time. Still does, apparently, because when Spike looks up at her, he's beaming suddenly.
"What would my girl like to hear?" He says, his voice taking on its familiar cadence. Dawn rises and heads into the living room, gesturing for him to follow.
"I dunno. Something swashbuckle-y!" She grins as she throws herself along the length of the couch. Spike settles on the floor, his back leaning against the bottom of the sofa. Dawn idly plays with the curls on his head as he weaves a tale for her.
She's not really listening, though. She's thinking about him. What a miracle he kinda is. How she wants someone, someday, to love her the way that he loves Buffy: all fire and passion and completely overwhelming, defying everything in its path. Yeah. She wants someone like that. And if they happen to be devastatingly handsome, in a non-big brother kinda way, then that'd be cool too.
Spike's voice travels its peaks and valleys in the telling of his tale. It feels like old times to Dawn. When she closes her eyes, she can almost smell the cold granite and stale cigarette smoke of his crypt where she'd spent so many hours. The sound of his voice is so soothing that she soon drifts off.
Spike stops mid-sentence when he realizes Dawn is crying in her sleep. He kneels beside her and brushes a few stray strands of glistening brown hair from her face. His brow is knit with sorrow for this girl's loss. The loss of her mother. The loss of her sister. The loss of her innocence. The possibility that she'll lose her life. He closes his eyes and rests his head on her back, listening to her heartbeat, strong and fierce. Her breathing is normal now, and the tears have stopped, but her face is a picture of sadness. He lifts his head from her and replaces it with his hand, running it across her back in long soothing strokes.
"Shhh, Dawn. I've got you. Spike's here. Shhh, pet. S'ok" His voice is low, barely above a whisper, but it's enough to reach her in her subconscious. Her expression changes to one of a more peaceful sleep. He quietly slips into the second bedroom and retrieves the coverlet from her bed. Draping it carefully over her, he assumes a position in the armchair across from her to watch over her as she sleeps. He sits ready to come to her aid if she needs him. His girl. His Dawn. His and Buffy's.
She's the closest thing to a daughter he'll ever have. All he wants in the world is to be able to be with Buffy and to watch Dawn grow and become the beautiful woman that all Summers women seem destined to be. He closes his eyes and prays to no one in particular that he'll be granted the opportunity. He just wants to love them. Even from afar. He just wants to be allowed to love them. He'll do anything to keep them safe through all of this, sacrifice anything.
They are his life. Without them, even one of them, there's just too large a hole to fill.
TBC
Next chapter: Bombs Away