Scott and Bedevire had searched the countryside for four days after
splitting up from his other knights, and had found absolutely nothing. To
make things worse, the only advice Bedevire was giving him was silly random
tidbits of useless trivia, and scientific theories so bizarre that they
sounded like they had been written by a mad scientist with dyslexia. Scott
was hoping that they could get out of this dimension soon, so that Jean
could go back to being her slightly-less-irritating smug self.
"Look, Bedevire, all this is really quite fascinating," Scott said, interrupting Bedevire's latest discursion on water-powered dog-grooming machines. "Do you know anything that could actually help us find the Grail at some point in THIS lifetime?"
"As a matter of fact, I do, sire!" Bedevire said. "I know a man who lives very close by here who is well-learned in ancient artifacts. If anybody can help us find the Holy Grail, he can,"
"Great!" Scott said, glad that Bedevire was finally being useful for a change. "Lead the way,"
X
A short time later, Scott and Bedevire sat huddled inside a small tent. Bedevire had led them to an old man who, judging by the eclectic collection of items inside the tent, seemed about as sane as the Mad Hatter on LSD. So far, the man had answered each of Scott's questions with riotous laughter, and had only told them a couple things that seemed to be of any use in between.
"And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Grail?" Scott asked him.
The old man said nothing, but continued to laugh like a madman.
Bedevire sure knew some strange people, Scott thought, and asked his question again.
"Where does he live? Old man, where does he live?" he asked frantically, trying to bring the man back to reality.
The old man stopped laughing. "He knows a cave, a cave which no man has entered," he said, very seriously.
"And the Grail, the Grail is there?" Scott asked hopefully.
"There is much danger!" the man continued. "For beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed!"
"But the Grail!" Scott said, hoping the old man would get to the point soon. "Where is the Grail?"
"Seek ye, the Bridge of Death!" instructed the man.
"The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail?" Scott asked, sensing they were close to an answer.
The old man threw back his head and laughed insanely, and suddenly the tent around Scott and Bedevire vanished to thin air. They found themselves alone with their squires in the midst of a dark, foggy forest.
"Some friend of yours! Now where are we?" Scott asked.
"I don't know, milord," Bedevire said. "I don't recognize this place at all,"
"Well we'd better get out of here quick," Scott said. "I've got a bad feeling about this place,"
They decided to head north, and after finding some moss on the side of the trees to guide them, started to make their way through the forest. As they ventured on, Scott grew more and more nervous, and had a distinct feeling they were being followed.
Around them, several figures were moving around in the fog. Scott could make out shadows darting in and out of the trees. His heartbeat quickened and his pulse raced as he counted 6, now 10, and now 20 of the shapes. His breath caught in his throat as the shapes began to close in on them. Suddenly, the fog lifted and a long shadow fell across the path.
Terrified, he looked up to see a very tall knight towering above him. The knight was twice as tall as any man Scott had ever seen, and had deer antlers growing out of the sides of his helmet. Several other normal-sized knights stepped out of the bushes and stood next to the tall one.
"Ni!" shouted the tall knight. "Ni! Ni! Ni!" shouted the other knights.
"Who are you?" Scott asked, very frightened.
"We are the Knights Who Say. Ni!" the tall knight exclaimed. "Ni!" shouted one of the other knights.
"No, not the Knights Who Say Ni!" Scott said. Even though he had absolutely no idea who they were, they still struck fear into his heart.
"The same!" shouted the tall knight.
Scott was shaking in his boots as he looked into the face of the knight, looking over his pointed nose, his stiff chin, his beard, his silver hair.
Silver hair? Scott thought. Oh, not him again!
Once again, Pietro was making an appearance in the role of Scott's chief tormenter.
"Who are they?" Bedevire asked.
"I don't know!" Scott said frantically. "Why do you think I know everything just because I'm a king? I thought you were the smart one!"
"Of course I am!" Bedevire said. "It's just that, er, we're in a very remote kingdom. A place where few people have ever journeyed to. Naturally, I can't be expected to know every minute detail about the region,"
"I thought you just said you didn't know where we were!"
"Well, um, you see," Bedevire stammered, her veneer of wisdom shattered.
"Oh, some help you're turning out to be!" Scott said, throwing up his hands. "Between this and that stupid rabbit idea, it's a wonder we haven't been mashed to tiny bits by now!"
"Enough!" Pietro shouted, interrupting them. "The Knights of Ni demand a sacrifice!"
Scott took a deep breath, hoping that Pietro wouldn't be a jerk for once in his life. "Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods," he said.
No such luck. "Ni!" Pietro shouted. The other knights joined in. "Ni! Ni! Ni!"
Scott screamed and covered his ears at the verbal onslaught. Next to him, Bedevire writhed and twitched in pain.
Finally, the knights let up. "We shall say 'Ni!' again to you if you do not appease us!" the tall knight threatened.
"Well, what do you want?" Scott asked.
"We want," Pietro said, and then paused for dramatic emphasis. "A shrubbery!"
Somewhere, an orchestra played a dramatic chord.
"A what?" Scott asked, completely befuddled at this request.
The knights grew incensed. "Ni!" they began shouting.
"Ah! Ah! Alright, alright! Please, no more!" Scott pleaded. "We will find you a shrubbery!"
"You must bring us a shrubbery, or you will never pass through this wood alive!"
Oh Knights of Ni, you are just and fair!" Scott said. "We will return with a shrubbery,"
"One that looks nice," Pietro said.
"Of course,"
"And not too expensive,"
"Yes,"
"Now, go!" Pietro said, and turned his back on Scott. He and the other knights vanished into the forest again, leaving Scott and Bedevire by themselves.
"A shrubbery?" Scott asked. "That's the craziest thing I've ever heard in my life! Where are we going to find a shrubbery in this forest, wherever it is?"
"Fear not, my liege," Bedevire said. "There is a village a few days away from this forest. I am certain that we can find someone there who can sell us a shrubbery,"
"You'd better be right about this," Scott said. "Or I'll, well, I'm not sure what I'll do to you but you can bet it'll be unpleasant,"
X
A few days later, Scott and Bedevire emerged from the forest and came to a town. They walked through the streets, looking for somebody who might sell them a shrubbery.
After several minutes of fruitless searching, they came across an old woman, beating a cat against a pole.
"Let's ask her, my liege," Bedevire suggested. "She looks like she'll be able to help us,"
"Why do you say that?" he asked. "And why is she beating that cat like that?"
"Well, I just thought that she might, since she's the only person we've seen so far," Bedevire said. "As for the cat, I'd imagine she's getting ready to cook it,"
Scott felt his stomach churn at the thought of anybody eating a cat. "Right, well, let's just ask her about the shrubbery, then," he said and turned to the old woman.
"Old crone!" Scott called. "Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery?"
At the word 'shrubbery', another dramatic chord filled the air. Scott looked around, trying to find the orchestra that kept playing the chords.
"Who sent you?" the woman asked suspiciously.
"The Knights of Ni," Scott said.
"Agh! Never!" growled the woman. "We have no shrubberies here,"
Scott decided to use the same tactics that the Knights of Ni had used on him. After all, it had worked well enough for them.
"If you do not tell us where we can find a shrubbery," he threatened. "My friend and I will say, we will say. Ni!"
"Agh! Do your worst!" said the woman.
"Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily," Scott said and gave the woman a chance to submit.
"No! No shrubberies!" she said.
"Right!" Scott said. "Ni!"
"Nu!" Bedevire shouted.
The woman simply coughed and looked at them oddly.
"No, that's not it, it's 'ni!'" Scott told Bedevire.
"Nu!" Bedevire said again.
"No, you're not doing it right," Scott said. "It's 'ni!' 'Ni!'"
"Ni!" Bedevire said, finally getting the hang of it.
"Right, that's it!" Scott said, and they turned back to the old woman. "Ni!" they shouted in unison.
Said properly, the word had an instant effect. The woman clutched her hands to the sides of her head and began moaning in agony.
Scott and Bedevire did not give the woman any time to recover. "Ni! Ni!" they continued to shout.
The woman dropped to her knees and began clawing and scratching her face.
Scott and Bedevire kept up the assault, not noticing the man in the cart that had pulled up behind him.
"Here!" called the man, in a very drunken voice. "Are you saying 'ni!' to that old woman?" he asked them.
Scott turned to see that the man looked just like Remy. "Um, yes," he admitted. Wait, is that Gambit?, he wondered.
"Oh, what sad times this is when passing ruffians can see 'ni!' at will to old ladies!" the man exclaimed.
First the Brotherhood, now Magneto's Acolytes, thought Scott. This just keeps getting worse and worse.
"There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred," the man slurred. "Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period of history,"
"Did you say shrubberies?" Scott asked him, his eyes lighting up hopefully behind his visor.
"Yes. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies," Roger said.
"Ni!" Bedevire shouted.
"No, no!" Scott said, quickly placing his hand over her mouth before she scared the man away. After a few minutes of haggling, they had their shrubbery, and set back out to take it to the Knights of Ni.
X
"Look, Bedevire, all this is really quite fascinating," Scott said, interrupting Bedevire's latest discursion on water-powered dog-grooming machines. "Do you know anything that could actually help us find the Grail at some point in THIS lifetime?"
"As a matter of fact, I do, sire!" Bedevire said. "I know a man who lives very close by here who is well-learned in ancient artifacts. If anybody can help us find the Holy Grail, he can,"
"Great!" Scott said, glad that Bedevire was finally being useful for a change. "Lead the way,"
X
A short time later, Scott and Bedevire sat huddled inside a small tent. Bedevire had led them to an old man who, judging by the eclectic collection of items inside the tent, seemed about as sane as the Mad Hatter on LSD. So far, the man had answered each of Scott's questions with riotous laughter, and had only told them a couple things that seemed to be of any use in between.
"And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Grail?" Scott asked him.
The old man said nothing, but continued to laugh like a madman.
Bedevire sure knew some strange people, Scott thought, and asked his question again.
"Where does he live? Old man, where does he live?" he asked frantically, trying to bring the man back to reality.
The old man stopped laughing. "He knows a cave, a cave which no man has entered," he said, very seriously.
"And the Grail, the Grail is there?" Scott asked hopefully.
"There is much danger!" the man continued. "For beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed!"
"But the Grail!" Scott said, hoping the old man would get to the point soon. "Where is the Grail?"
"Seek ye, the Bridge of Death!" instructed the man.
"The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail?" Scott asked, sensing they were close to an answer.
The old man threw back his head and laughed insanely, and suddenly the tent around Scott and Bedevire vanished to thin air. They found themselves alone with their squires in the midst of a dark, foggy forest.
"Some friend of yours! Now where are we?" Scott asked.
"I don't know, milord," Bedevire said. "I don't recognize this place at all,"
"Well we'd better get out of here quick," Scott said. "I've got a bad feeling about this place,"
They decided to head north, and after finding some moss on the side of the trees to guide them, started to make their way through the forest. As they ventured on, Scott grew more and more nervous, and had a distinct feeling they were being followed.
Around them, several figures were moving around in the fog. Scott could make out shadows darting in and out of the trees. His heartbeat quickened and his pulse raced as he counted 6, now 10, and now 20 of the shapes. His breath caught in his throat as the shapes began to close in on them. Suddenly, the fog lifted and a long shadow fell across the path.
Terrified, he looked up to see a very tall knight towering above him. The knight was twice as tall as any man Scott had ever seen, and had deer antlers growing out of the sides of his helmet. Several other normal-sized knights stepped out of the bushes and stood next to the tall one.
"Ni!" shouted the tall knight. "Ni! Ni! Ni!" shouted the other knights.
"Who are you?" Scott asked, very frightened.
"We are the Knights Who Say. Ni!" the tall knight exclaimed. "Ni!" shouted one of the other knights.
"No, not the Knights Who Say Ni!" Scott said. Even though he had absolutely no idea who they were, they still struck fear into his heart.
"The same!" shouted the tall knight.
Scott was shaking in his boots as he looked into the face of the knight, looking over his pointed nose, his stiff chin, his beard, his silver hair.
Silver hair? Scott thought. Oh, not him again!
Once again, Pietro was making an appearance in the role of Scott's chief tormenter.
"Who are they?" Bedevire asked.
"I don't know!" Scott said frantically. "Why do you think I know everything just because I'm a king? I thought you were the smart one!"
"Of course I am!" Bedevire said. "It's just that, er, we're in a very remote kingdom. A place where few people have ever journeyed to. Naturally, I can't be expected to know every minute detail about the region,"
"I thought you just said you didn't know where we were!"
"Well, um, you see," Bedevire stammered, her veneer of wisdom shattered.
"Oh, some help you're turning out to be!" Scott said, throwing up his hands. "Between this and that stupid rabbit idea, it's a wonder we haven't been mashed to tiny bits by now!"
"Enough!" Pietro shouted, interrupting them. "The Knights of Ni demand a sacrifice!"
Scott took a deep breath, hoping that Pietro wouldn't be a jerk for once in his life. "Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods," he said.
No such luck. "Ni!" Pietro shouted. The other knights joined in. "Ni! Ni! Ni!"
Scott screamed and covered his ears at the verbal onslaught. Next to him, Bedevire writhed and twitched in pain.
Finally, the knights let up. "We shall say 'Ni!' again to you if you do not appease us!" the tall knight threatened.
"Well, what do you want?" Scott asked.
"We want," Pietro said, and then paused for dramatic emphasis. "A shrubbery!"
Somewhere, an orchestra played a dramatic chord.
"A what?" Scott asked, completely befuddled at this request.
The knights grew incensed. "Ni!" they began shouting.
"Ah! Ah! Alright, alright! Please, no more!" Scott pleaded. "We will find you a shrubbery!"
"You must bring us a shrubbery, or you will never pass through this wood alive!"
Oh Knights of Ni, you are just and fair!" Scott said. "We will return with a shrubbery,"
"One that looks nice," Pietro said.
"Of course,"
"And not too expensive,"
"Yes,"
"Now, go!" Pietro said, and turned his back on Scott. He and the other knights vanished into the forest again, leaving Scott and Bedevire by themselves.
"A shrubbery?" Scott asked. "That's the craziest thing I've ever heard in my life! Where are we going to find a shrubbery in this forest, wherever it is?"
"Fear not, my liege," Bedevire said. "There is a village a few days away from this forest. I am certain that we can find someone there who can sell us a shrubbery,"
"You'd better be right about this," Scott said. "Or I'll, well, I'm not sure what I'll do to you but you can bet it'll be unpleasant,"
X
A few days later, Scott and Bedevire emerged from the forest and came to a town. They walked through the streets, looking for somebody who might sell them a shrubbery.
After several minutes of fruitless searching, they came across an old woman, beating a cat against a pole.
"Let's ask her, my liege," Bedevire suggested. "She looks like she'll be able to help us,"
"Why do you say that?" he asked. "And why is she beating that cat like that?"
"Well, I just thought that she might, since she's the only person we've seen so far," Bedevire said. "As for the cat, I'd imagine she's getting ready to cook it,"
Scott felt his stomach churn at the thought of anybody eating a cat. "Right, well, let's just ask her about the shrubbery, then," he said and turned to the old woman.
"Old crone!" Scott called. "Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery?"
At the word 'shrubbery', another dramatic chord filled the air. Scott looked around, trying to find the orchestra that kept playing the chords.
"Who sent you?" the woman asked suspiciously.
"The Knights of Ni," Scott said.
"Agh! Never!" growled the woman. "We have no shrubberies here,"
Scott decided to use the same tactics that the Knights of Ni had used on him. After all, it had worked well enough for them.
"If you do not tell us where we can find a shrubbery," he threatened. "My friend and I will say, we will say. Ni!"
"Agh! Do your worst!" said the woman.
"Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily," Scott said and gave the woman a chance to submit.
"No! No shrubberies!" she said.
"Right!" Scott said. "Ni!"
"Nu!" Bedevire shouted.
The woman simply coughed and looked at them oddly.
"No, that's not it, it's 'ni!'" Scott told Bedevire.
"Nu!" Bedevire said again.
"No, you're not doing it right," Scott said. "It's 'ni!' 'Ni!'"
"Ni!" Bedevire said, finally getting the hang of it.
"Right, that's it!" Scott said, and they turned back to the old woman. "Ni!" they shouted in unison.
Said properly, the word had an instant effect. The woman clutched her hands to the sides of her head and began moaning in agony.
Scott and Bedevire did not give the woman any time to recover. "Ni! Ni!" they continued to shout.
The woman dropped to her knees and began clawing and scratching her face.
Scott and Bedevire kept up the assault, not noticing the man in the cart that had pulled up behind him.
"Here!" called the man, in a very drunken voice. "Are you saying 'ni!' to that old woman?" he asked them.
Scott turned to see that the man looked just like Remy. "Um, yes," he admitted. Wait, is that Gambit?, he wondered.
"Oh, what sad times this is when passing ruffians can see 'ni!' at will to old ladies!" the man exclaimed.
First the Brotherhood, now Magneto's Acolytes, thought Scott. This just keeps getting worse and worse.
"There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred," the man slurred. "Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period of history,"
"Did you say shrubberies?" Scott asked him, his eyes lighting up hopefully behind his visor.
"Yes. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies," Roger said.
"Ni!" Bedevire shouted.
"No, no!" Scott said, quickly placing his hand over her mouth before she scared the man away. After a few minutes of haggling, they had their shrubbery, and set back out to take it to the Knights of Ni.
X