The Worst Crossover Fanfiction in the History of the Whole Entire Universe Ever.
By Blythe (who is oh so proud of herself, as per usual ^^v)
CHAPTER 1
Once upon a time, there was a great sorceress named Blythiemecia. Blythiemecia wanted to take over the world, as it was required of her occupation as stated in her contract. One day while sipping Frappucino and nibbling her newly-delivered, somewhat lukewarm pizza (which was free, thanks to the fact that it is excessively difficult for pizza boys to find alternate dimensions in under fifteen minutes, as the television commercials clearly boasted) she began her plans. "What is the most evil thing the world has ever seen? The most horribly disgusting insult to humankind? The blight upon earth's pure soil? I must find this thing and use it to my advantage."
Unfortunately, Richard Simmons was out making another video and Jerry Falwell was so busy having a brain aneurism over Blythiemecia'a skanky costume that she couldn't quite convince him to help her out. So she was forced to rely on the world's third most evil thing...
Fanfiction.
"Xellos!" she yelled, summoning the messenger-boy / sex slave she'd yoinked shamelessly from her cousin, Zelas, "I want your purple ass to get in here and do my dirty work!"
"Y'know, that's what I like about you," Xellos mused as he appeared before her. "You're utterly tactless."
"I knew you'd appreciate it. Anyway, I have a new mission for you. Go out into the world and fetch me my favorite characters from each domain of fandom. And while you're at it, fetch the most popular ones that I don't know about."
"Why?"
"Your job isn't to ask why. Your job is to get your bitch-ass in the kitchen and bake me a pie."
"..."
"Sorry, wrong story."
"I'll say. Whatever happened to women's lib?"
"You're not a woman."
"But I look a whole lot better in a Chinese dress than you do."
"Honey, no one looks better in that dress than you do. At any rate, get moving. Taking over the world is tricky, time-consuming business, you know. And Survivor just came on."
"Yes ma'am." And off he went.
***
Hours later, Xellos had returned, a large plastic garbage bag balanced precariously upon his head. This was quite a feat, considering the bag was chock-full of chibi-fied anime, gaming, and general fandom characters he'd yoinked from their respective universes.
"Dirty work complete, Blythiemecia-sama," he announced, dumping the bag at her feet. There was a general cry of protest from the bag, which both evildoers ignored ... evilly. Because, y'know, they're evil.
"Boy, wouldn't it be neat if someone with talent were writing this story?" Blythiemecia mused to no one in particular. When Xellos didn't answer her (he was too busy poking at the bag with his stick), she shrugged and got down to business. "How many fandoms did you steal from, Xellos?"
"I lost track after the twentieth one. I went to all the other anime you directed me to, plus all the games, movies, books, television shows, and even a few webcomics your geeky ass visits."
"Geek Pride!!!" Blythiemecia made an 80's rock type gesture with her hands, which Xellos promptly ignored.
"So what are you going to do with all of these?" he asked, poking at the bag again. He seemed amused at the sounds of pain and anguish it was emitting.
"What else? Find the cheesiest possible setting to stuff them and let them run free."
"What will that accomplish?"
"Nothing, unless we write about it."
"Okay, what will *that* accomplish?"
"See, there's this fanfiction phenomenon that occurs all over the world, mostly in humans between the ages of twelve and twenty - they find a fandom they throw themselves into and devote their lives to it. That's all well and good, but the really frightening ones decide they're better at it than the initial creators are, and then start writing about it themselves."
"What's so bad about that? You always said humans should be allowed to express their geekiness in such ways."
She would have done the Geek Pride gesture again, but Xellos opened his eyes, which is a sure sign not to irritate him any more than necessary. "It's not the idea itself that's bad. Some people actually can pull off a good fanfiction. It's the ones who can't that make the world a little bit scarier. We're going to cash in on that power."
"Oh come on. How bad can it get? They're just words on a paper."
"Let's see..." Blythiemecia whipped out her laptop and started surfing around fanfiction.net. "Ah, here we go. 'Xellos turns from the Mazoku and discovers the loving, kind spirit within himself. Lina helps him along the way, and they discover true love in one another for the first time.' And there's a lemon warning for chapters four and beyond."
"What's a lemon?"
"Characters having cliched, disgustingly romantic sex, using as many euphemisms for 'doing the nasty' as are humanly possible."
There was a long pause as Xellos thought that over. Then...
"So when do we start the apocalypse?"
"Now."
By Blythe (who is oh so proud of herself, as per usual ^^v)
CHAPTER 1
Once upon a time, there was a great sorceress named Blythiemecia. Blythiemecia wanted to take over the world, as it was required of her occupation as stated in her contract. One day while sipping Frappucino and nibbling her newly-delivered, somewhat lukewarm pizza (which was free, thanks to the fact that it is excessively difficult for pizza boys to find alternate dimensions in under fifteen minutes, as the television commercials clearly boasted) she began her plans. "What is the most evil thing the world has ever seen? The most horribly disgusting insult to humankind? The blight upon earth's pure soil? I must find this thing and use it to my advantage."
Unfortunately, Richard Simmons was out making another video and Jerry Falwell was so busy having a brain aneurism over Blythiemecia'a skanky costume that she couldn't quite convince him to help her out. So she was forced to rely on the world's third most evil thing...
Fanfiction.
"Xellos!" she yelled, summoning the messenger-boy / sex slave she'd yoinked shamelessly from her cousin, Zelas, "I want your purple ass to get in here and do my dirty work!"
"Y'know, that's what I like about you," Xellos mused as he appeared before her. "You're utterly tactless."
"I knew you'd appreciate it. Anyway, I have a new mission for you. Go out into the world and fetch me my favorite characters from each domain of fandom. And while you're at it, fetch the most popular ones that I don't know about."
"Why?"
"Your job isn't to ask why. Your job is to get your bitch-ass in the kitchen and bake me a pie."
"..."
"Sorry, wrong story."
"I'll say. Whatever happened to women's lib?"
"You're not a woman."
"But I look a whole lot better in a Chinese dress than you do."
"Honey, no one looks better in that dress than you do. At any rate, get moving. Taking over the world is tricky, time-consuming business, you know. And Survivor just came on."
"Yes ma'am." And off he went.
***
Hours later, Xellos had returned, a large plastic garbage bag balanced precariously upon his head. This was quite a feat, considering the bag was chock-full of chibi-fied anime, gaming, and general fandom characters he'd yoinked from their respective universes.
"Dirty work complete, Blythiemecia-sama," he announced, dumping the bag at her feet. There was a general cry of protest from the bag, which both evildoers ignored ... evilly. Because, y'know, they're evil.
"Boy, wouldn't it be neat if someone with talent were writing this story?" Blythiemecia mused to no one in particular. When Xellos didn't answer her (he was too busy poking at the bag with his stick), she shrugged and got down to business. "How many fandoms did you steal from, Xellos?"
"I lost track after the twentieth one. I went to all the other anime you directed me to, plus all the games, movies, books, television shows, and even a few webcomics your geeky ass visits."
"Geek Pride!!!" Blythiemecia made an 80's rock type gesture with her hands, which Xellos promptly ignored.
"So what are you going to do with all of these?" he asked, poking at the bag again. He seemed amused at the sounds of pain and anguish it was emitting.
"What else? Find the cheesiest possible setting to stuff them and let them run free."
"What will that accomplish?"
"Nothing, unless we write about it."
"Okay, what will *that* accomplish?"
"See, there's this fanfiction phenomenon that occurs all over the world, mostly in humans between the ages of twelve and twenty - they find a fandom they throw themselves into and devote their lives to it. That's all well and good, but the really frightening ones decide they're better at it than the initial creators are, and then start writing about it themselves."
"What's so bad about that? You always said humans should be allowed to express their geekiness in such ways."
She would have done the Geek Pride gesture again, but Xellos opened his eyes, which is a sure sign not to irritate him any more than necessary. "It's not the idea itself that's bad. Some people actually can pull off a good fanfiction. It's the ones who can't that make the world a little bit scarier. We're going to cash in on that power."
"Oh come on. How bad can it get? They're just words on a paper."
"Let's see..." Blythiemecia whipped out her laptop and started surfing around fanfiction.net. "Ah, here we go. 'Xellos turns from the Mazoku and discovers the loving, kind spirit within himself. Lina helps him along the way, and they discover true love in one another for the first time.' And there's a lemon warning for chapters four and beyond."
"What's a lemon?"
"Characters having cliched, disgustingly romantic sex, using as many euphemisms for 'doing the nasty' as are humanly possible."
There was a long pause as Xellos thought that over. Then...
"So when do we start the apocalypse?"
"Now."