The Worst Crossover Fanfiction in the History of the Whole Entire Universe Ever.
By Blythe (who is oh so proud of herself, as per usual ^^v)
CHAPTER 3
The cafeteria was in its usual disarray at lunchtime as Lina Inverse, Buffy Summers, Aeris Gainsborough, Rikku AlBhed, and Shampoo the Amazon sat down to eat together. Since these characters were obviously so much alike and had so much in common-
"They do?"
"Sure."
"Like what?"
"Like ... they're all girls. And they have blonde hair."
"Only two of them have blonde hair, Blythiemecia-sama."
"Shut up."
-they had become close friends, or had at least gotten to the point where they could put up with each other long enough to sit at the same table and eat their lunch.
"Shampoo learn new game today!" the purple-haired girl announced, waving a few cards in the air.
Aeris pretended to be politely interested. "Did you really? Tell us about it."
"Triple Triad! Is cards with numbers. Is fun. You want try?"
Lina, a longtime player of the game herself, snatched a few cards for herself and looked them over. "How come the Rinoa Heartilly card has two unflippable sides?"
"Who's Rinoa Heartilly?" Buffy asked.
"A sorceress who used to be married to Squall," Lina explained.
"Well if she's a sorceress, she'd have to be pretty powerful..." Rikku mused.
"Nope. Utterly useless. Used her dog for protection. Died last year in an accident involving a mayonnaise lid screwed on too tight. Ricocheted off the jar and knocked her out."
"Sad." Buffy was referring to the girl, not the accident.
"Well this card's equally useless then," Lina observed, tearing it to shreds.
Shampoo freaked out. "IS RARE CARD! SHAMPOO LOSE IFRIT CARD TO GET!"
"That's your own stupid fault. The Ifrit card is ten times better than this one. Especially so far as looks are concerned."
Shampoo thought about it for a minute. "Lina right."
"Aren't I always?"
"Hey," Rikku looked up from the intricate process of making a hand grenade out of a fork and a soda can, "what's all the commotion about?"
She gestured to the cafeteria's food counter, where a skinny, dark-haired boy had burst into tears. "No! I can't handle this anymore! I know I said I'd eat the hot dogs, but that was before I knew my dad was one of the cooks! I refuse to do this anymore! I can't handle the pressure! The stress! The STRESS! AAAUUUGGGHHH!" He finished his gurgling scream and ran out, tears streaming down his face. No one so much as blinked.
"Oh, that's just Shinji Ikari," Buffy explained. "He does that at least once every day. He's in my mech class. Big weenie. I'll bet even Aeris could beat him up."
"Hey! I'm fairly useful in a fight!" Aeris protested.
"Except for the fact that you're dead," Rikku pointed out, wiring up the prongs of the fork to the coke tab.
"If I'm dead then why am I here?"
"What the hell did you write THAT for, Xellos?"
"Well she IS, isn't she?"
"Yes, but so are a bunch of other characters in this. Quit messing with the mortality scale and fix it."
"But Quistis told her she was dead earlier and it didn't matter."
"That's because it's a bad fanfiction and plot holes like that are completely acceptable. If you write sentences like that, how are you going to even attempt to explain your way out of them? I don't want to have to think up intricate, ridiculous logic. Fix it now."
"But-"
"NOW!"
"Hai, Blythiemecia-sama."
"Hey! I'm fairly useful in a fight!" Aeris protested.
"Except for causing love triangles wherever you go," Rikku pointed out, wiring up the prongs of the fork to the coke tab.
"Oh. Well. That."
"Better."
"Thank you."
"So what classes do you guys have next?" Buffy asked.
"The Casting of Black Magic with Professor Lulu," Lina grumbled. "As if I NEED to be taught."
"World Domination and How to Make it Work for You with Professor Sephiroth," Rikku recited. "But not for another two hours or so."
"Rikku not evil," Shampoo pointed out.
"I thought it would be good to make sure I have a well-rounded education."
"You is crazy."
"Said the Amazon who doesn't even have a basic understanding of grammar."
"Shut mouth."
Ignoring them, Aeris piped up, "I've got Combat Techniques with Professors Beatrix and Freya."
"Oh they kick ass," Buffy responded. "I have them in the morning. I've gotta go, though. I have Critical Thinking with Professor Threepwood."
"Threepwood?"
"Guybrush Threepwood, the most idiotic pirate in the history of the Playstation. He starred in the 'Escape from Monkey Island' games."
"You really ARE a geek."
"Am not."
"Shampoo go to Holy Crap Class with Professor Strongbad."
"Are too."
"Okay, you have me there."
"So for the uninformed readers at home, who the hell is Strongbad?"
"The star of Strongbad E-mail on HomeStarRunner.com's ingenious flash-cartoon webcomics."
"I rest my case."
"You hush up or I'll write you into this as Amelia's love-bunny."
"Erk."
Lina sighed and grabbed a lone hot dog off of Rikku's plate without so much as an, "Are you gonna eat that?" Swallowing it whole, she stood, stretched, and grabbed her tray. "Well I'm outta here, you guys. Catch you later."
Rikku grumbled at the loss of part of her lunch and went back to wiring up her makeshift grenade. "E'mm kad ran mydan..."
"Huh?"
"She said, 'I'll get her later.' But she's an Al Bhed, so that's what I wrote it in."
"How come none of her other lines are in Al Bhed, then?"
"Sigh. Because it's a BAD FANFICTION and it's a crappy way of trying to set MOOD and CHARACTER. Have you learned nothing from this little project?"
"Sheesh. Touchy."
As the girls gathered their garbage and began to exit the cafeteria, they noticed a shadowy, cliched sort of character leaning against the wall, talking with the Disciplinary Committee and giggling girlishly.
"I wonder who that is..." Buffy mused before she left.
"Typical introduction of a mysterious character as a cliffhanger. I should have known."
"At least I didn't pull any of that, 'Leave me reviews or I won't continue writing LOL!!!111' crap."
"True. But that's because no one's reading this and you wouldn't get any reviews anyway."
"Cram it, Namagomi."
By Blythe (who is oh so proud of herself, as per usual ^^v)
CHAPTER 3
The cafeteria was in its usual disarray at lunchtime as Lina Inverse, Buffy Summers, Aeris Gainsborough, Rikku AlBhed, and Shampoo the Amazon sat down to eat together. Since these characters were obviously so much alike and had so much in common-
"They do?"
"Sure."
"Like what?"
"Like ... they're all girls. And they have blonde hair."
"Only two of them have blonde hair, Blythiemecia-sama."
"Shut up."
-they had become close friends, or had at least gotten to the point where they could put up with each other long enough to sit at the same table and eat their lunch.
"Shampoo learn new game today!" the purple-haired girl announced, waving a few cards in the air.
Aeris pretended to be politely interested. "Did you really? Tell us about it."
"Triple Triad! Is cards with numbers. Is fun. You want try?"
Lina, a longtime player of the game herself, snatched a few cards for herself and looked them over. "How come the Rinoa Heartilly card has two unflippable sides?"
"Who's Rinoa Heartilly?" Buffy asked.
"A sorceress who used to be married to Squall," Lina explained.
"Well if she's a sorceress, she'd have to be pretty powerful..." Rikku mused.
"Nope. Utterly useless. Used her dog for protection. Died last year in an accident involving a mayonnaise lid screwed on too tight. Ricocheted off the jar and knocked her out."
"Sad." Buffy was referring to the girl, not the accident.
"Well this card's equally useless then," Lina observed, tearing it to shreds.
Shampoo freaked out. "IS RARE CARD! SHAMPOO LOSE IFRIT CARD TO GET!"
"That's your own stupid fault. The Ifrit card is ten times better than this one. Especially so far as looks are concerned."
Shampoo thought about it for a minute. "Lina right."
"Aren't I always?"
"Hey," Rikku looked up from the intricate process of making a hand grenade out of a fork and a soda can, "what's all the commotion about?"
She gestured to the cafeteria's food counter, where a skinny, dark-haired boy had burst into tears. "No! I can't handle this anymore! I know I said I'd eat the hot dogs, but that was before I knew my dad was one of the cooks! I refuse to do this anymore! I can't handle the pressure! The stress! The STRESS! AAAUUUGGGHHH!" He finished his gurgling scream and ran out, tears streaming down his face. No one so much as blinked.
"Oh, that's just Shinji Ikari," Buffy explained. "He does that at least once every day. He's in my mech class. Big weenie. I'll bet even Aeris could beat him up."
"Hey! I'm fairly useful in a fight!" Aeris protested.
"Except for the fact that you're dead," Rikku pointed out, wiring up the prongs of the fork to the coke tab.
"If I'm dead then why am I here?"
"What the hell did you write THAT for, Xellos?"
"Well she IS, isn't she?"
"Yes, but so are a bunch of other characters in this. Quit messing with the mortality scale and fix it."
"But Quistis told her she was dead earlier and it didn't matter."
"That's because it's a bad fanfiction and plot holes like that are completely acceptable. If you write sentences like that, how are you going to even attempt to explain your way out of them? I don't want to have to think up intricate, ridiculous logic. Fix it now."
"But-"
"NOW!"
"Hai, Blythiemecia-sama."
"Hey! I'm fairly useful in a fight!" Aeris protested.
"Except for causing love triangles wherever you go," Rikku pointed out, wiring up the prongs of the fork to the coke tab.
"Oh. Well. That."
"Better."
"Thank you."
"So what classes do you guys have next?" Buffy asked.
"The Casting of Black Magic with Professor Lulu," Lina grumbled. "As if I NEED to be taught."
"World Domination and How to Make it Work for You with Professor Sephiroth," Rikku recited. "But not for another two hours or so."
"Rikku not evil," Shampoo pointed out.
"I thought it would be good to make sure I have a well-rounded education."
"You is crazy."
"Said the Amazon who doesn't even have a basic understanding of grammar."
"Shut mouth."
Ignoring them, Aeris piped up, "I've got Combat Techniques with Professors Beatrix and Freya."
"Oh they kick ass," Buffy responded. "I have them in the morning. I've gotta go, though. I have Critical Thinking with Professor Threepwood."
"Threepwood?"
"Guybrush Threepwood, the most idiotic pirate in the history of the Playstation. He starred in the 'Escape from Monkey Island' games."
"You really ARE a geek."
"Am not."
"Shampoo go to Holy Crap Class with Professor Strongbad."
"Are too."
"Okay, you have me there."
"So for the uninformed readers at home, who the hell is Strongbad?"
"The star of Strongbad E-mail on HomeStarRunner.com's ingenious flash-cartoon webcomics."
"I rest my case."
"You hush up or I'll write you into this as Amelia's love-bunny."
"Erk."
Lina sighed and grabbed a lone hot dog off of Rikku's plate without so much as an, "Are you gonna eat that?" Swallowing it whole, she stood, stretched, and grabbed her tray. "Well I'm outta here, you guys. Catch you later."
Rikku grumbled at the loss of part of her lunch and went back to wiring up her makeshift grenade. "E'mm kad ran mydan..."
"Huh?"
"She said, 'I'll get her later.' But she's an Al Bhed, so that's what I wrote it in."
"How come none of her other lines are in Al Bhed, then?"
"Sigh. Because it's a BAD FANFICTION and it's a crappy way of trying to set MOOD and CHARACTER. Have you learned nothing from this little project?"
"Sheesh. Touchy."
As the girls gathered their garbage and began to exit the cafeteria, they noticed a shadowy, cliched sort of character leaning against the wall, talking with the Disciplinary Committee and giggling girlishly.
"I wonder who that is..." Buffy mused before she left.
"Typical introduction of a mysterious character as a cliffhanger. I should have known."
"At least I didn't pull any of that, 'Leave me reviews or I won't continue writing LOL!!!111' crap."
"True. But that's because no one's reading this and you wouldn't get any reviews anyway."
"Cram it, Namagomi."