The Worst Crossover Fanfiction in the History of the Whole Entire Universe Ever.
By Blythe (who is oh so proud of herself, as per usual ^^v)
CHAPTER 4
Seifer had had bad days in his past. First there was that whole 'Utter failure at becoming a SeeD' thing. Then there was that one time where he'd gone to work for his old adoptive mother, completely - or at least slightly - unaware that she was being possessed. There was even that little nagging feeling of shame he got every time he saw Squall and remembered how he'd kicked Seifer's sorry ass at least four times. But not even the thought of himself as a fallen knight, a failed student, a forgotten man, had made his life such a living hell as this one day, this one girl, had managed to do.
"I'm sorry, I've managed to forget your name already," Seifer stammered. In reality, he knew he should have been able to remember it -- not even his prolonged exposure to GFs should have caused him to forget a name mere seconds after it was uttered, but the hazy fog of genkiness and perfection was suffocating him.
"That's okay!" the girl exclaimed. "It's sort of plain and hard to remember. I'm Mary Sue."
Never in his life had he felt the desire to use his gunblade on another human being so urgently as he did at that precise moment. Namely on himself.
"Hold on, hold on. What's Mary Sue from?"
"From all of fanfiction.net."
"Care to explain?"
"Certainly. Mary Sue is the stereotypical original character that thirteen year old girls create and write about in order to make themselves feel better. For example, she's the girl who manages to fall into Middle Earth and gets Legolas to fall in love with her and she has her own ring and she's an elf princess and she's gorgeous and perfect in every way imaginable."
"Instant death for a Mazoku, then."
"Pretty much."
"So what is she here for, anyhow?"
"Just keep writing. You'll figure it out soon enough."
"Hai, Blythiemecia-sama."
Fujin made a growling noise in the back of her throat. Cynical albino that she was, the genkiness had thankfully not altered her personality as it had Seifer's (because if this had been any other girl, he'd have already cast a few Firagas at her and swaggered off laughing), but the chipper feeling in the air was giving her a severe migraine. "DEPART," she demanded of the rest of the Disciplinary Committee.
"Aw, c'mon Fujin, she's kinda cool, ya know?" Raijin had been brainwashed by the mere sight of the long, flowing white-blonde hair. The whole package had him rooted to the spot.
Fujin took the opportunity to kick him in the shins, but even that had no effect. She huffed and crossed her arms. "RAGE," she declared.
Seifer had to agree. "No, she's right, Raijin. We've got work to do."
"Oh that's okay!" Mary Sue exclaimed.
"Again."
"Mary Sues are always chipper. Not my fault."
"Right."
"I was on the Disciplinary Committee at my old Garden, too! I can totally help you guys out! In fact, I thought of a few new rules you might want to implement..."
"Wow, you're really good at this, ya know? We haven't thought up any new rules since we founded the committee," Raijin practically simpered.
"RULES, UNNECESSARY. ENFORCEMENT, POINTLESS," Fujin explained curtly.
"Yeah ... yeah," Seifer agreed, rubbing the bridge of his nose and willing the hazy fog out of his skull cavity. "The only ones who break the rules are the members of the committee anyway, so our work is pretty much finished before it even begins. So we're really sorry, but we should probably go see if we need to pick up that new GF Headmaster Dumbledore was talking-"
"Oh, GFs are such fascinating creatures! I've junctioned ten to myself, personally, but I'd be happy to see any new ones your Headmaster has found! Of course, I'm sure he's never heard of Gollum, which is the GF I discovered when I was on a mission in Middle Earth. I was the first one to discover it, of course, and no one has ever found another since then."
"CARE, NOT," Fujin announced.
"Hey, Fujin, didja ever get Pandemona back from Squall? Cuz he said that Ultimecia killed it and that he hoped you wouldn't find out, ya know?"
Fujin's response was to kick him in the shins again. When the effect of the Mary Sue saved him from injury once more, she kicked Seifer instead. Relishing his yelp of pain and the obscene curse that flew from his lips, she found herself feeling quite a bit better. In fact...
"TRAINING, DESIRED?" she asked Mary Sue politely. Or, at least, as politely as anyone can ask when she only speaks a maximum of two words per sentence.
"Instant Mood Swings. They're not just for breakfast anymore."
"What better plot device to use in this kind of situation?"
"True enough."
"Oh heavens no, I'm a level 93 right now and that's perfectly okay by me. But I'd be happy to show you my Limit Break if you'd like to accompany me to the Training Center," she offered sweetly.
While it wasn't quite the verbal reaction she'd expected, the result fit in perfectly with her plan. "AFFIRMATIVE."
As the four made their way to the Training Center, Mary Sue leading the way and babbling on and on about her other nine GFs, Seifer took the opportunity to pull Fujin back a few paces and hiss, "What the hell are you doing?"
"PLAN, BRILLIANT. MARY SUE. DEATH, GORY. SILENCE. PEACE."
"And how do you plan on having her killed?"
"T-REXAUR."
"You're crazy. You can't fight a T-Rexaur. Not after-"
She cut him off with a frightening glare of her remaining eye. "FIGHT, NOT. MARY SUE FIGHT."
"Fujin, listen to me. You can't even look at one of those things without freaking-"
"RAGE!" Kick.
"Shit! You glue bricks to the bottoms of those boots or something?"
She didn't answer him, mostly because they had arrived at their destination, but even if that hadn't been the case she would have ignored him anyway.
"What sort of beasts do you keep in here, by the way?" Mary Sue asked innocently, pressing her ear to the door and trying to ascertain whether the clanking noise inside was due to robots used for training or machinery used to feed the monsters.
"Mostly Grats and Ochus, but there's one or two T-"
While yet another kick to Raijin's shins still failed to hurt him in any way, it was enough to shut him up.
"TONBERRIES," Fujin intercepted smoothly.
"Wow, there's Tonberries in there now? No one told me about that, ya know?"
"Oh, we don't have Tonberries at our school anymore. We fought and defeated so many of them that we have an inundation of Tonberry Kings now. Just about every student there has him as a GF now. In fact, I got mine at the age of ten-"
"LIMIT BREAK," Fujin reminded her.
"Oh, of course, so sorry to have forgotten," Mary Sue chirped. She pushed open the heavy steel doors and the four entered, single-file.
A Grat appeared before them instantly. It was dead with a single slash of Seifer's gunblade. As he knelt to collect the little bottle of Silence Powder it had dropped, he was almost barreled over by Mary Sue as she grabbed his arm and shook it urgently.
"Don't try to be a hero, Seifer," was her heartfelt plea. "I have to take some damage in order to be able to show you this. Please ... just let me get hurt ..." The big blue eyes were rapidly filling with tears, and while ninety percent of his brain was screaming at him to inflict the damage himself, the ten percent that was under the control of the Mary Sue forced him to nod and back away slowly. He fought down the urge to pat her hand reassuringly, as he knew he'd have to kill himself later if he let her turn him into some pansy-assed sensitive tool.
"L-sama..."
"Pretty scary, isn't she?"
"I always thought you were the nothing-better-to-do sort of evil. This proves me wrong. That thing is pure, unadulterated evil and you're even worse for putting her in there."
"Glad to hear it."
Shudder.
"Aw, shucks, Mary Sue, we could always just cast an Aura-"
Since kicking him had failed her so many times already that day, Fujin clamped her hand over Raijin's mouth and growled, "AURAS, DEPLETED."
"Md Ay futt mwe nrew fmm-" Translated, he had been saying, "But I thought we drew some-"
"NEGATIVE."
"Mmph." ("Oh.")
Seifer and Fujin spent the next five battles thoroughly enjoying themselves. The clanking noise they had heard when they entered was getting louder, but even that didn't bother them. Usually Seifer would have gone mad over the thought of spending an entire battle stocking up on useless Sleep spells (that never worked on anything important, besides), but the sight of Mary Sue getting the shit kicked out of her made up for it a hundredfold.
Raijin knocked out a Grat before it could finish Mary Sue off entirely. Properly depleted of hit points, she rose from her kneeling position and announced, in a strong yet weary voice-
"How does *that* work? 'Strong yet weary'?"
"Well it works under the same principle that allows Mary Sue to have 'emerald blue' or 'sapphire green' eyes. Mary Sues were never meant for logic."
"I see. Proceed."
"Okay, I think I'm ready to show you my Limit Break. All we need to do is-"
Before she could finish the sentence, two things happened. First, a T-Rexaur appeared behind her. Second, Fujin let out an uncharacteristically girly scream and fainted dead away.
"This chapter's getting way too long. I vote we start a new one."
"Sounds good to me."
By Blythe (who is oh so proud of herself, as per usual ^^v)
CHAPTER 4
Seifer had had bad days in his past. First there was that whole 'Utter failure at becoming a SeeD' thing. Then there was that one time where he'd gone to work for his old adoptive mother, completely - or at least slightly - unaware that she was being possessed. There was even that little nagging feeling of shame he got every time he saw Squall and remembered how he'd kicked Seifer's sorry ass at least four times. But not even the thought of himself as a fallen knight, a failed student, a forgotten man, had made his life such a living hell as this one day, this one girl, had managed to do.
"I'm sorry, I've managed to forget your name already," Seifer stammered. In reality, he knew he should have been able to remember it -- not even his prolonged exposure to GFs should have caused him to forget a name mere seconds after it was uttered, but the hazy fog of genkiness and perfection was suffocating him.
"That's okay!" the girl exclaimed. "It's sort of plain and hard to remember. I'm Mary Sue."
Never in his life had he felt the desire to use his gunblade on another human being so urgently as he did at that precise moment. Namely on himself.
"Hold on, hold on. What's Mary Sue from?"
"From all of fanfiction.net."
"Care to explain?"
"Certainly. Mary Sue is the stereotypical original character that thirteen year old girls create and write about in order to make themselves feel better. For example, she's the girl who manages to fall into Middle Earth and gets Legolas to fall in love with her and she has her own ring and she's an elf princess and she's gorgeous and perfect in every way imaginable."
"Instant death for a Mazoku, then."
"Pretty much."
"So what is she here for, anyhow?"
"Just keep writing. You'll figure it out soon enough."
"Hai, Blythiemecia-sama."
Fujin made a growling noise in the back of her throat. Cynical albino that she was, the genkiness had thankfully not altered her personality as it had Seifer's (because if this had been any other girl, he'd have already cast a few Firagas at her and swaggered off laughing), but the chipper feeling in the air was giving her a severe migraine. "DEPART," she demanded of the rest of the Disciplinary Committee.
"Aw, c'mon Fujin, she's kinda cool, ya know?" Raijin had been brainwashed by the mere sight of the long, flowing white-blonde hair. The whole package had him rooted to the spot.
Fujin took the opportunity to kick him in the shins, but even that had no effect. She huffed and crossed her arms. "RAGE," she declared.
Seifer had to agree. "No, she's right, Raijin. We've got work to do."
"Oh that's okay!" Mary Sue exclaimed.
"Again."
"Mary Sues are always chipper. Not my fault."
"Right."
"I was on the Disciplinary Committee at my old Garden, too! I can totally help you guys out! In fact, I thought of a few new rules you might want to implement..."
"Wow, you're really good at this, ya know? We haven't thought up any new rules since we founded the committee," Raijin practically simpered.
"RULES, UNNECESSARY. ENFORCEMENT, POINTLESS," Fujin explained curtly.
"Yeah ... yeah," Seifer agreed, rubbing the bridge of his nose and willing the hazy fog out of his skull cavity. "The only ones who break the rules are the members of the committee anyway, so our work is pretty much finished before it even begins. So we're really sorry, but we should probably go see if we need to pick up that new GF Headmaster Dumbledore was talking-"
"Oh, GFs are such fascinating creatures! I've junctioned ten to myself, personally, but I'd be happy to see any new ones your Headmaster has found! Of course, I'm sure he's never heard of Gollum, which is the GF I discovered when I was on a mission in Middle Earth. I was the first one to discover it, of course, and no one has ever found another since then."
"CARE, NOT," Fujin announced.
"Hey, Fujin, didja ever get Pandemona back from Squall? Cuz he said that Ultimecia killed it and that he hoped you wouldn't find out, ya know?"
Fujin's response was to kick him in the shins again. When the effect of the Mary Sue saved him from injury once more, she kicked Seifer instead. Relishing his yelp of pain and the obscene curse that flew from his lips, she found herself feeling quite a bit better. In fact...
"TRAINING, DESIRED?" she asked Mary Sue politely. Or, at least, as politely as anyone can ask when she only speaks a maximum of two words per sentence.
"Instant Mood Swings. They're not just for breakfast anymore."
"What better plot device to use in this kind of situation?"
"True enough."
"Oh heavens no, I'm a level 93 right now and that's perfectly okay by me. But I'd be happy to show you my Limit Break if you'd like to accompany me to the Training Center," she offered sweetly.
While it wasn't quite the verbal reaction she'd expected, the result fit in perfectly with her plan. "AFFIRMATIVE."
As the four made their way to the Training Center, Mary Sue leading the way and babbling on and on about her other nine GFs, Seifer took the opportunity to pull Fujin back a few paces and hiss, "What the hell are you doing?"
"PLAN, BRILLIANT. MARY SUE. DEATH, GORY. SILENCE. PEACE."
"And how do you plan on having her killed?"
"T-REXAUR."
"You're crazy. You can't fight a T-Rexaur. Not after-"
She cut him off with a frightening glare of her remaining eye. "FIGHT, NOT. MARY SUE FIGHT."
"Fujin, listen to me. You can't even look at one of those things without freaking-"
"RAGE!" Kick.
"Shit! You glue bricks to the bottoms of those boots or something?"
She didn't answer him, mostly because they had arrived at their destination, but even if that hadn't been the case she would have ignored him anyway.
"What sort of beasts do you keep in here, by the way?" Mary Sue asked innocently, pressing her ear to the door and trying to ascertain whether the clanking noise inside was due to robots used for training or machinery used to feed the monsters.
"Mostly Grats and Ochus, but there's one or two T-"
While yet another kick to Raijin's shins still failed to hurt him in any way, it was enough to shut him up.
"TONBERRIES," Fujin intercepted smoothly.
"Wow, there's Tonberries in there now? No one told me about that, ya know?"
"Oh, we don't have Tonberries at our school anymore. We fought and defeated so many of them that we have an inundation of Tonberry Kings now. Just about every student there has him as a GF now. In fact, I got mine at the age of ten-"
"LIMIT BREAK," Fujin reminded her.
"Oh, of course, so sorry to have forgotten," Mary Sue chirped. She pushed open the heavy steel doors and the four entered, single-file.
A Grat appeared before them instantly. It was dead with a single slash of Seifer's gunblade. As he knelt to collect the little bottle of Silence Powder it had dropped, he was almost barreled over by Mary Sue as she grabbed his arm and shook it urgently.
"Don't try to be a hero, Seifer," was her heartfelt plea. "I have to take some damage in order to be able to show you this. Please ... just let me get hurt ..." The big blue eyes were rapidly filling with tears, and while ninety percent of his brain was screaming at him to inflict the damage himself, the ten percent that was under the control of the Mary Sue forced him to nod and back away slowly. He fought down the urge to pat her hand reassuringly, as he knew he'd have to kill himself later if he let her turn him into some pansy-assed sensitive tool.
"L-sama..."
"Pretty scary, isn't she?"
"I always thought you were the nothing-better-to-do sort of evil. This proves me wrong. That thing is pure, unadulterated evil and you're even worse for putting her in there."
"Glad to hear it."
Shudder.
"Aw, shucks, Mary Sue, we could always just cast an Aura-"
Since kicking him had failed her so many times already that day, Fujin clamped her hand over Raijin's mouth and growled, "AURAS, DEPLETED."
"Md Ay futt mwe nrew fmm-" Translated, he had been saying, "But I thought we drew some-"
"NEGATIVE."
"Mmph." ("Oh.")
Seifer and Fujin spent the next five battles thoroughly enjoying themselves. The clanking noise they had heard when they entered was getting louder, but even that didn't bother them. Usually Seifer would have gone mad over the thought of spending an entire battle stocking up on useless Sleep spells (that never worked on anything important, besides), but the sight of Mary Sue getting the shit kicked out of her made up for it a hundredfold.
Raijin knocked out a Grat before it could finish Mary Sue off entirely. Properly depleted of hit points, she rose from her kneeling position and announced, in a strong yet weary voice-
"How does *that* work? 'Strong yet weary'?"
"Well it works under the same principle that allows Mary Sue to have 'emerald blue' or 'sapphire green' eyes. Mary Sues were never meant for logic."
"I see. Proceed."
"Okay, I think I'm ready to show you my Limit Break. All we need to do is-"
Before she could finish the sentence, two things happened. First, a T-Rexaur appeared behind her. Second, Fujin let out an uncharacteristically girly scream and fainted dead away.
"This chapter's getting way too long. I vote we start a new one."
"Sounds good to me."