Following the stray ray of light, she looked out the window. Big tufted cotton clouds were scattered randomly about a blue sky, and the sun was shining brightly. She opened the curtains wide, allowing the warm sunlight to fill her room.
She stretched lazily, then plodded to her dresser. For the first time since she'd arrived, she realized, she was almost looking forward to her day. She felt…not good, but better. Definitely better.
She had Oz to thank for that, she supposed. He always did know how to make her feel better. The events of the night before replayed through her head. The talking, the laughter, the feeling of comfort and acceptance for the first time since….
A lump appeared in her throat, as visions of that night played through her head. The way Tara kissed her, inviting Willow back into her world again. The talking, the laughter, the comfort of being back in Tara's arm, the acceptance of everything that Willow was and ever would be. There were days Willow clung to that memory. Days where knowing that Tara had loved her and wanted to be with her was the only thing that could pull her through. And then there were the other days, the days when she wished with her whole heart that it had never happened. Because maybe, if Tara hadn't come back, if she had stayed away, if she hadn't been standing by that window, maybe Tara would still be alive.
Digging through her drawer, Willow found the picture she'd hidden away weeks ago. Looking at it had been too hard, remembering too painful. Not that she needed a picture to remind her. She still saw Tara's face when she closed her eyes, and sometimes when she didn't. Her fingers finally grasped the wooden frame and pulled it out from its hiding place.
Sitting on the edge of her bed, Willow looked into the bright smiling face of her girl. "I miss you, baby," she said, running her finger along the Tara's cheek, imagining the feel of Tara's soft skin instead of cold glass. "You know that, right?" Willow didn't even realize she was crying until she saw a tear drop onto Tara's nose. Leaning forward, Willow gently kissed the tear away, just like before, just like Tara would do if she were here now. "I love you. Always."
She hugged the picture, wiping her tears away, before moving to put it back. She replaced it beneath the pile of sweaters, but soon decided that she couldn't bear to have Tara hidden away from her again. She pulled the picture back out and set it on her dresser. The sunlight shone off it, making Tara look like an angel. "My guardian angel," Willow said softly. She didn't even really believe in angels these days, but somehow it fit.
As she looked around the room, she realized it felt cold, bare and empty. Something was missing. She pulled a suitcase out from under her bed, digging around until she found her stash of photos, and the unopened going away gift Xander had given her. Flipping through the pictures, she felt new tears pricking her eyes. Would they ever forgive her? Buffy? Anya? And, oh god, Dawnie?
Setting the pictures down, she turned to the unopened package. Snoopy wrapping paper. A smile touched her lips. Xander had given it to her at the airport. Though they all came to see her off, probably happy to see her leave, Xander had been the only one who hugged her. They almost missed their flight because Xander didn't want to let go. He had handed her the package, smiled sadly and told her to come home soon.
Slowly, she opened her gift. A pack of crayons and a Spongebob Squarepants coloring book. A note fluttered out as well.
Willow,
I wanted to give you something you could use the crayons in, but they don't make a Simpsons coloring book, so it was either this or Pokemon. Have a good time in England, land of the Gileses. Drink of the tea and eat of the scones.
Love,
Xander
She stood, wiping away the tears. She didn't know anymore whether they were sad tears or happy ones, and for the first time, her uncertainty was comforting.
"Willow, you're up," Giles noted, a bit surprised. "Ms. Harkness said you came in late last night. I wasn't expecting you for breakfast."
"I had a real dinner last night and now I can't stop thinking about food. I must have an addictive personality," Willow said with a smile, as she took the seat across from Giles.
Giles didn't smile. "Willow, you know—"
"I know, I know. Not an addiction," she said with a sigh and an eye roll.
Giles pushed his glasses back up his nose. "I must say, it is good to see you in a joking mood. Scone?" he offered, passing her a plate.
"It's good to be in one," she said, grabbing a scone. "Could you pass the butter? Oz and I had a long talk last night, and I guess I've been holding a lot of things inside. Thank you," she said, grabbing the butter plate from him.
She grew silent for a moment, staring at her plate, and Giles began to become concerned. "Willow? Are you alright?"
Willow took a deep breath. "Giles, I know I've kind of avoided talking about everything. Until now I wasn't ready to. But then last night…." She paused. "I want you to know how sorry I am. For all the things I did, for nearly. I never meant to hurt—"
"More tea?" Giles interrupted. His knuckles were white around the handle of the teapot, his hand quavering. When he felt the pain of his fingernails digging into his palm, he realized his other hand had curled into a fist. He slowly put the teapot down, concentrated on opening both hands, and removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes with a sigh.
"Giles?" The hurt in her voice was evident, and brought his attention back. He looked across the table to the confused and scared girl, her brow a sea of worried wrinkles, her eyes wide and wet. And though a part of him wanted only to go to her and protect her from the world, another, deeper, part of him kept trying to remind him of the cold, heartless thing that had left him for dead. He knew that wasn't Willow, not really, but try as he might—and he had tried, had tried endlessly—he couldn't get that angry and uncaring voice in the back of his mind to shut up.
"I'm sorry, Willow," he said, taking her hand, giving what he hoped was a reassuring squeeze. "Now's not a good time." He stood with a flustered smile and walked away, leaving a trembling Willow behind him.
Willow slowly picked at her food, but the scone seemed to have lost all flavor, and she found herself no longer hungry. She pushed her plate away and sat numbly for a moment, unsure what had just happened. The grandfather clock in the hall began to chime; time for classes. Pushing her thoughts aside for a moment, she trudged behind a clump of girls.
Althenia was teaching again today. Willow settled into her usual seat at the back of the class and tried to concentrate on the lesson.
"Class, please settle down."
The last clump of girls finished giggling and sat down.
"Now then, today we'll have a bit of a pop quiz," Althenia said with a sly bit of smile.
The room began to titter with nervousness and surprise.
"What kind of quiz?" Gertrude asked.
"Remember a few weeks ago, when I gave a recommended reading list of useful spells? I'd like to see who bothered to go the extra step and read up on them. Consider this a form of extra credit," Althenia said, crossing her arms and coming to a stop in front of the first row of girls. She looked back at Willow and winked.
"I may toss the room up a bit, so if anyone feels sorely unprepared and unwilling to face the things that may come your way, please feel free to leave the room now. No one will hold it against you, I assure you."
Willow watched a handful of girls stand and walk out. Should she join them? The thought of being in a position where magic was necessary made her uncomfortable, still. She stood, hesitantly, looking towards the door. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught Althenia watching to see whether she'd stay or go. The image of Oz, shifting in and out of wolf form flashed through Willow's head, and her mind was made up. If he could do it, she could try. Althenia smiled as Willow sat back down.
"Very well then. For the rest of you, I'll institute a handful of situations. You must find a way to overcome it. Work alone or in groups, either will work. Those who get past the obstacles will receive an extra mark. Those who try will also get a bit extra, but not as much as those who succeed. Feel free to use anything in the room to aid your tasks."
With a few whispered words, the room plunged into darkness.
Someone screamed. Willow was sure it was Gertrude, or at the very least, she hoped it was Gertrude.
Another voice began chanting in Latin. At the end of their chant, a spark of light lit up the room for a brief second before extinguishing, plunging the room into darkness once more.
Willow closed her eyes, trying to screw up the courage to do this. It would be a simple spell, that wasn't the problem. She could light the whole room with candles and add an overhead chandelier if she wanted. The problem was taking that step, opening that door she'd been blocking ever since that day on the cliff. She had tried so hard not to go back, and now she was considering doing exactly that.
Taking a deep breath, ignoring the sparks and brief blips of light coming from around the room, Willow waved her arm in front of her. "Light."
A small ball of light swirled around the room, coming to rest near the center of the ceiling, illuminating the room.
"Very good, Willow," Althenia said with a smile and a knowing look.
Gertrude stood to the side, arms crossed. "She didn't use one of the spells you gave us, Miss. That's not fair," she groused, throwing Willow a dagger filled glare.
"I never said you had to use one of the spells I or anyone gave you. Only that those who've gone that extra step and bothered to learn something outside of class would be better prepared for what I planned to test," Althenia replied.
Althenia brought the lights back up, and Willow let the ball of light fizzle out.
"Now the next one will be a little trickier. I'm going to start the smallest bit of a whirlwind inside the room. While I won't charge you with stopping the whirlwind, as I think it's beyond most of your talents at the moment, I will charge you with protecting this," Althenia said, drawing out a small object.
"An orb of Thesula?" Willow asked, recognizing the crystal sphere.
"Yes, actually," Althenia said with a smile. "Oh, but don't worry, I have about ten of them. My mum gives me one every Christmas, ever since she found out I had an interest in magic. I mostly use them as paperweights and doorstops."
Holding the orb up, Althenia said a quick incantation. The sphere remained in place, even after her hand had dropped to her side.
"Now then, protect the orb to the best of your abilities." With another chant and a quick snap of the fingers, Althenia called forth a forceful gale that swirled around the room picking up objects as well as speed.
Never letting her eyes leave the floating ball, Willow did her best to cast a protection spell over the ball. It wouldn't last long, but it would give her time to work on slowing the whirlwind a bit. Dodging the storm of books, pens and occasional chairs that flurried about her, she concentrated her energy on the spell. When she saw the faint pink glow surrounding the orb, she smiled and let go of breath she wasn't aware of holding. Looking down, she saw her hands were shaking. Okay, now for the storm.
Taking a deep breath, she channeled as much energy as she could, while still keeping her eye on the orb. She had just begun a slow chant when a book flew at her face, against the wind. She saw it just in time to deflect it, but her concentration was lost. The glow surrounding the orb faded and she watched as a chair smashed into it. She snapped her head around, eyes burning black, anger crackling at her fingertips. Gertrude stood in the corner, in the direction the book had come from, with a smug, snotty look on her bratty little face.
With a single push against the wind, Willow brought the storm to a sudden halt. Objects fell, littering the room. Students began to run and jump about, trying to avoid the rain of schoolbooks. Willow just waved them away. She extended her arm, fingers splayed and pointed at the snotty bitch quivering in the corner. Her ire ran down the length of her arm. A loud explosion, a flash of light, screaming from all sides.
Willow was thrown across the room, landing in a huddle lump atop a chair on its side, confused. The world seemed to spin around her. The sound of frightened whispers and the sight of apprehensive faces sobered her, and she understood what had happened.
She stood slowly, backing into the wall.
"Willow, are you alright?"
Althenia. Willow shook her head. She couldn't look at anyone. What had she done? How could she have let herself? It was too dangerous. She was too dangerous. Why had she let herself? Why? Why? WHY?
Without a word, Willow turned and ran for the door.
"Willow!" Althenia called out after her.
Willow didn't stop. Althenia's voice—all the voices—faded away. Everything became a blur, as if the whole world was trying to hide from her.
She didn't know where she was going, or what she was doing. She just ran.