Back Before Dawn
by Annakovsky
Part 4/11
See part 1 for disclaimer, rating, etc.
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Xander: 12:24 pm, Tuesday, February 18, 2003
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Willow better get here soon – I've only got an hour for lunch, and time's a-wastin'. Not that it really matters if I lose my job, since the world's probably going to end soon and all, but I'd still like to go out as a productive member of society.
Just kidding. I mean, I probably really will need the job, since Buffy's going to save us in the end, right? It's not like she hasn't before. In Buffy I trust.
Yup, everything will be a-okay - move along, people, nothing to see here. Buffy will keep the world from ending and we'll all live to fight another apocalypse. And another one after that, and another one after that, and another one after that….
Frankly, I'm getting a little sick of the apocalypse as far as disasters go. Sunnydale couldn't get, I don't know, a little tornado or maybe some flooding from time to time? Just to mix it up. Instead of, "Oh no, an incorporeal eternal Evil is mobilizing to destroy us and all we hold dear," you could say, "Oh no, the basement's filling up with water again. I better move my collection of comic books before they get damaged." I mean, if you had comic books, that is. Which I don't.
I might be a little more okay with the whole apocalypse thing if I had superpowers like everyone else. I guess you'd think I'd be used to it by now, and I mostly am, but sometimes I just get tired of being the guy who fixes the windows. Buffy's panicky and worried and complaining about how none of us are helpful enough, and I just wish I could do something amazing. Shoot lightning bolts out of my eyes or leap tall buildings with a single bound or something. Something so Buffy wouldn't look so worried, so she could depend on me instead of having to rescue me from my date. Again.
I used to tell myself that it was okay to be normal guy, that I was pretty good at being normal guy. Except I'm really not. I suck at being normal guy. I was going to get married, someday have kids and stuff, all normal (even if I was getting married to an ex-demon, much emphasis on the ex). And then I screwed it up, like I always screw things up. I've got all these stupid issues and I don't even have time to deal with them 'cause I'm always trying to help out with saving the world. Not that they even need me – I mean, I have delusions that I'm doing some good for the world, that I'm an important part of the team, but really I'm the one who needs rescuing every five minutes. I mean, it's just sad.
Maybe I should move. It's not like Buffy needs me, or really wants me here. I think she'd be relieved if I weren't around for her to have to protect all the time. It might be better if I were just out of the way.
But I couldn't leave Willow. Or Dawn. But Willow especially. I love her, you know? Like I said in the yellow-crayon speech – hey, there was one time I wasn't useless. One time out of, like, seven million, but still, hey, I saved the world. Maybe only to be destroyed again this year, but at least Willow won't be the one to do it. That's something. I've gotta look out for Willow.
Willow. I love her, but I don't understand her anymore. I used to just get her, and she got me, no effort about it at all. But now… well, maybe it's just enough that I love her. I loved the old Willow, and I love the new, depressed, guilty, beaten down Willow, too. But it makes me sad. Sometimes I get out my pictures of her and Buffy and me from high school, back when we were so damn happy – or at least now it seems happy in comparison, and I just want to cry. Her and Buffy these days, they're just… well, it makes me sad, what we're all like now.
I feel especially bad for Dawn. Her mom dies, her dad's out of the picture, her older sister dies, then comes back and hardly seems to be able to look at her, even. She shouldn't have to be raised by a bunch of people who've all seen too much and hardly have any love left in them. Poor kid.
"Xander," I heard from behind me in Willow's voice. But it was a much more chipper version of Willow's voice than I'd heard in quite awhile. I turned to see her walking towards me, with a spring in her step and everything. This was odd.
"Hey, Will," I said, as she slipped into the seat across from me. I stared at her. She looked so different, it was weird.
"Did you cut your hair or something?" I asked her.
"What? Um, I don't think so," she said. "At least, not in the last half hour." She was staring at me all funny, like she hadn't seen me in a really long time, or like she was trying to figure out who I reminded her of. I think I was staring at her like that too, 'cause it was Willow, but like this totally new version of Willow. I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was.
I guess she just looked… happy. Or not even, 'cause at the moment she actually looked kind of worried and a little freaked out. But her face looked like that wasn't her normal state of being, if that makes sense. Like her default setting was happy and right now she happened to be in worried, but it wasn't the permanent worry-guilt lines that had shaped Willow's face for the past couple of years.
The waiter set our food down at this moment and Willow looked pleasantly surprised. "Hey, thanks, Xander! This is my favorite!" she said as he put the veggie burrito down in front of her.
"Of course it is, you always get it when we come here," I said, bemused. I thought she'd assume that I'd go ahead and order her usual when she was so late.
"Right, um, of course I do," she said. She was still looking at me all funny, so that I was starting to wonder if I had something on my face.
"Are you okay, Xander?" she asked, sounding really concerned.
"Huh? Yeah, I'm fine, why?" I said. She must've asked 'cause I was staring at her like a goon, because I felt fine, pretty much. Nothing bad had happened lately, and my cuts from that stupid demon girl had pretty much healed. So yeah, nothing to complain about.
"You just look… I don't know. Weird. Sad, or something."
"Nope, I'm fine, really. Well, except I'm a little worried about Dawn, I guess. Do you think she's doing okay? She was pretty shaken up over that whole 'Is she a potential or isn't she?' thing last month."
"Um… yes. Yes, she was."
"I worry about her with Buffy so busy in the whole struggle against the First. I'm really afraid that Dawn's going to keep feeling like she doesn't matter."
"Yeah… oh, me too, yeah."
"I love that kid so much. I hope she knows that. And knows that Buffy loves her too. Even if Buffy's a little cold sometimes, or distant or preoccupied. " The whole time I had been talking about Dawn, Willow was looking really weird. "Will? You okay there?"
"Um... yeah. Xander, I kind of have something big to tell you. I… well, I mean… okay. What would you think if I told you that Dawn wasn't real? That Buffy was really an only child?"
"Um, I'd probably say 'duh.' What are you talking about?"
"What? You know Dawn isn't real?"
"Of course I do. We all do. I mean, she was the Key and monks changed all our memories so they'd include her. Willow, you know all this - are you okay? What's going on?"
"Wait, so it doesn't bother you that Dawn isn't really real?"
"Of course not. I mean, sometimes it's a little weird when you remember something and then realize that she wasn't actually there for that, but I usually don't think about it too much. Seriously, Willow, what happened? Did you hit your head or get an amnesia spell put on you or something?"
"No, I… Xander, I did something really stupid. I think I made the whole world different, and I think it's bad."
"Well, it can't be that bad, 'cause hey, everything's still here. Seems the same as it did this morning to me."
"No, but… okay, well, the Magic Box is trashed, for one thing."
"Um, Will, the Magic Box has been trashed ever since the summer, when you, you know, trashed it." I was really worrying about her forgetting all this stuff. What happened?
"*I* trashed it? No, really, things didn't happen this way. I made a wish and I think it created Dawn and now everything's terrible and we have to reverse it!"
"Will, what are you talking about? You're not even making sense. Maybe we should get you to a doctor or something, seriously, this is bad."
"No, no doctor, I'm okay…." She sighed and seemed to think for a second. "Um… you know what? I think you're right, it's all coming back to me now. I was, um, walking down the street and, um, ran into, um, Amy, yeah! And I think she put an amnesia spell on me as, um, a practical joke. Yup, that's what happened. No worries, I love Dawn too and everything's great." Amy had done WHAT? That bitch. Just when Willow was doing so well with dealing with her magic and everything.
"Amy put a spell on you? Will, that's horrible! Are you okay? I can't believe that bitch won't just leave you alone, already. Trying to suck you back into that."
"What? No! It was just a little joke, Xander, don't worry about it. I'm remembering stuff now. And I think it only affected some of my memories. Like, um, just since Dawn appeared or thereabouts. When was that, exactly?"
"Well, sometime around two years ago, I guess. It's hard to pinpoint exactly, but around when Glory showed up, I guess."
"Glory? What... um, you know what? Yeah, that's about when things start getting kind of fuzzy. But it's coming back now, so don't worry."
"Okay, but I really think you should go home and lie down or something until you get back to normal – who knows what that spell's side-effects might be, right? Not that it'll be quiet over at command central, but you can at least lie down and people will be there to keep an eye on you."
"Um... command central?"
"Oh, Will, you're really out of it, aren't you?" I ended up having to explain to her about everyone being at the Summers house, and how she'd lived there since Buffy died - she seemed really surprised about that - and about the First Evil and the Potentials. Goddamn Amy - like Willow needs some shot of bad magic at a time like this. Though she looked so much better today. Of course, maybe that was a side effect of the forgetting - sometimes I wouldn't mind having amnesia about the last two years myself.
"Okay, Will? I gotta get back to work. Are you going to be okay? Do you want a ride back to the house?"
"Sure," she said. "Can I use the bathroom really fast first?"
"Okay," I said. "I'm gonna just call Buffy and see if we're still on for patrolling tonight."
"Why don't you just wait 'til you see her at the house?"
"She's at work, Will." Willow looked blank. "At the high school?"
"But we blew that up," she said.
"Look, I'll explain in the car. Go use the bathroom, okay?" I got out my cell and dialed up Buffy's office. I was seriously worried about Willow - I hoped she was right about that spell wearing off.
by Annakovsky
Part 4/11
See part 1 for disclaimer, rating, etc.
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Xander: 12:24 pm, Tuesday, February 18, 2003
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Willow better get here soon – I've only got an hour for lunch, and time's a-wastin'. Not that it really matters if I lose my job, since the world's probably going to end soon and all, but I'd still like to go out as a productive member of society.
Just kidding. I mean, I probably really will need the job, since Buffy's going to save us in the end, right? It's not like she hasn't before. In Buffy I trust.
Yup, everything will be a-okay - move along, people, nothing to see here. Buffy will keep the world from ending and we'll all live to fight another apocalypse. And another one after that, and another one after that, and another one after that….
Frankly, I'm getting a little sick of the apocalypse as far as disasters go. Sunnydale couldn't get, I don't know, a little tornado or maybe some flooding from time to time? Just to mix it up. Instead of, "Oh no, an incorporeal eternal Evil is mobilizing to destroy us and all we hold dear," you could say, "Oh no, the basement's filling up with water again. I better move my collection of comic books before they get damaged." I mean, if you had comic books, that is. Which I don't.
I might be a little more okay with the whole apocalypse thing if I had superpowers like everyone else. I guess you'd think I'd be used to it by now, and I mostly am, but sometimes I just get tired of being the guy who fixes the windows. Buffy's panicky and worried and complaining about how none of us are helpful enough, and I just wish I could do something amazing. Shoot lightning bolts out of my eyes or leap tall buildings with a single bound or something. Something so Buffy wouldn't look so worried, so she could depend on me instead of having to rescue me from my date. Again.
I used to tell myself that it was okay to be normal guy, that I was pretty good at being normal guy. Except I'm really not. I suck at being normal guy. I was going to get married, someday have kids and stuff, all normal (even if I was getting married to an ex-demon, much emphasis on the ex). And then I screwed it up, like I always screw things up. I've got all these stupid issues and I don't even have time to deal with them 'cause I'm always trying to help out with saving the world. Not that they even need me – I mean, I have delusions that I'm doing some good for the world, that I'm an important part of the team, but really I'm the one who needs rescuing every five minutes. I mean, it's just sad.
Maybe I should move. It's not like Buffy needs me, or really wants me here. I think she'd be relieved if I weren't around for her to have to protect all the time. It might be better if I were just out of the way.
But I couldn't leave Willow. Or Dawn. But Willow especially. I love her, you know? Like I said in the yellow-crayon speech – hey, there was one time I wasn't useless. One time out of, like, seven million, but still, hey, I saved the world. Maybe only to be destroyed again this year, but at least Willow won't be the one to do it. That's something. I've gotta look out for Willow.
Willow. I love her, but I don't understand her anymore. I used to just get her, and she got me, no effort about it at all. But now… well, maybe it's just enough that I love her. I loved the old Willow, and I love the new, depressed, guilty, beaten down Willow, too. But it makes me sad. Sometimes I get out my pictures of her and Buffy and me from high school, back when we were so damn happy – or at least now it seems happy in comparison, and I just want to cry. Her and Buffy these days, they're just… well, it makes me sad, what we're all like now.
I feel especially bad for Dawn. Her mom dies, her dad's out of the picture, her older sister dies, then comes back and hardly seems to be able to look at her, even. She shouldn't have to be raised by a bunch of people who've all seen too much and hardly have any love left in them. Poor kid.
"Xander," I heard from behind me in Willow's voice. But it was a much more chipper version of Willow's voice than I'd heard in quite awhile. I turned to see her walking towards me, with a spring in her step and everything. This was odd.
"Hey, Will," I said, as she slipped into the seat across from me. I stared at her. She looked so different, it was weird.
"Did you cut your hair or something?" I asked her.
"What? Um, I don't think so," she said. "At least, not in the last half hour." She was staring at me all funny, like she hadn't seen me in a really long time, or like she was trying to figure out who I reminded her of. I think I was staring at her like that too, 'cause it was Willow, but like this totally new version of Willow. I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was.
I guess she just looked… happy. Or not even, 'cause at the moment she actually looked kind of worried and a little freaked out. But her face looked like that wasn't her normal state of being, if that makes sense. Like her default setting was happy and right now she happened to be in worried, but it wasn't the permanent worry-guilt lines that had shaped Willow's face for the past couple of years.
The waiter set our food down at this moment and Willow looked pleasantly surprised. "Hey, thanks, Xander! This is my favorite!" she said as he put the veggie burrito down in front of her.
"Of course it is, you always get it when we come here," I said, bemused. I thought she'd assume that I'd go ahead and order her usual when she was so late.
"Right, um, of course I do," she said. She was still looking at me all funny, so that I was starting to wonder if I had something on my face.
"Are you okay, Xander?" she asked, sounding really concerned.
"Huh? Yeah, I'm fine, why?" I said. She must've asked 'cause I was staring at her like a goon, because I felt fine, pretty much. Nothing bad had happened lately, and my cuts from that stupid demon girl had pretty much healed. So yeah, nothing to complain about.
"You just look… I don't know. Weird. Sad, or something."
"Nope, I'm fine, really. Well, except I'm a little worried about Dawn, I guess. Do you think she's doing okay? She was pretty shaken up over that whole 'Is she a potential or isn't she?' thing last month."
"Um… yes. Yes, she was."
"I worry about her with Buffy so busy in the whole struggle against the First. I'm really afraid that Dawn's going to keep feeling like she doesn't matter."
"Yeah… oh, me too, yeah."
"I love that kid so much. I hope she knows that. And knows that Buffy loves her too. Even if Buffy's a little cold sometimes, or distant or preoccupied. " The whole time I had been talking about Dawn, Willow was looking really weird. "Will? You okay there?"
"Um... yeah. Xander, I kind of have something big to tell you. I… well, I mean… okay. What would you think if I told you that Dawn wasn't real? That Buffy was really an only child?"
"Um, I'd probably say 'duh.' What are you talking about?"
"What? You know Dawn isn't real?"
"Of course I do. We all do. I mean, she was the Key and monks changed all our memories so they'd include her. Willow, you know all this - are you okay? What's going on?"
"Wait, so it doesn't bother you that Dawn isn't really real?"
"Of course not. I mean, sometimes it's a little weird when you remember something and then realize that she wasn't actually there for that, but I usually don't think about it too much. Seriously, Willow, what happened? Did you hit your head or get an amnesia spell put on you or something?"
"No, I… Xander, I did something really stupid. I think I made the whole world different, and I think it's bad."
"Well, it can't be that bad, 'cause hey, everything's still here. Seems the same as it did this morning to me."
"No, but… okay, well, the Magic Box is trashed, for one thing."
"Um, Will, the Magic Box has been trashed ever since the summer, when you, you know, trashed it." I was really worrying about her forgetting all this stuff. What happened?
"*I* trashed it? No, really, things didn't happen this way. I made a wish and I think it created Dawn and now everything's terrible and we have to reverse it!"
"Will, what are you talking about? You're not even making sense. Maybe we should get you to a doctor or something, seriously, this is bad."
"No, no doctor, I'm okay…." She sighed and seemed to think for a second. "Um… you know what? I think you're right, it's all coming back to me now. I was, um, walking down the street and, um, ran into, um, Amy, yeah! And I think she put an amnesia spell on me as, um, a practical joke. Yup, that's what happened. No worries, I love Dawn too and everything's great." Amy had done WHAT? That bitch. Just when Willow was doing so well with dealing with her magic and everything.
"Amy put a spell on you? Will, that's horrible! Are you okay? I can't believe that bitch won't just leave you alone, already. Trying to suck you back into that."
"What? No! It was just a little joke, Xander, don't worry about it. I'm remembering stuff now. And I think it only affected some of my memories. Like, um, just since Dawn appeared or thereabouts. When was that, exactly?"
"Well, sometime around two years ago, I guess. It's hard to pinpoint exactly, but around when Glory showed up, I guess."
"Glory? What... um, you know what? Yeah, that's about when things start getting kind of fuzzy. But it's coming back now, so don't worry."
"Okay, but I really think you should go home and lie down or something until you get back to normal – who knows what that spell's side-effects might be, right? Not that it'll be quiet over at command central, but you can at least lie down and people will be there to keep an eye on you."
"Um... command central?"
"Oh, Will, you're really out of it, aren't you?" I ended up having to explain to her about everyone being at the Summers house, and how she'd lived there since Buffy died - she seemed really surprised about that - and about the First Evil and the Potentials. Goddamn Amy - like Willow needs some shot of bad magic at a time like this. Though she looked so much better today. Of course, maybe that was a side effect of the forgetting - sometimes I wouldn't mind having amnesia about the last two years myself.
"Okay, Will? I gotta get back to work. Are you going to be okay? Do you want a ride back to the house?"
"Sure," she said. "Can I use the bathroom really fast first?"
"Okay," I said. "I'm gonna just call Buffy and see if we're still on for patrolling tonight."
"Why don't you just wait 'til you see her at the house?"
"She's at work, Will." Willow looked blank. "At the high school?"
"But we blew that up," she said.
"Look, I'll explain in the car. Go use the bathroom, okay?" I got out my cell and dialed up Buffy's office. I was seriously worried about Willow - I hoped she was right about that spell wearing off.