***********The Laryngitis*******************
A Seinfeld fan's script by Pjazz
2003
STAND UP
The jacuzzi is a funny invention.
It's not like the wheel or the internal combustion engine.
An invention that changed the world. Air through a bathtub.
Not of world shattering importance.
I'm not sure how it started. Was there a Mr Jacuzzi? Someplace in Italy.
He's taking a bath. Mebbe Mrs Jacuzzi fed him too many beans for dinner.
He's feeling bloated. Suddenly there are bubbles in the water.
He thinks 'this feels pretty good. Mebbe I can make money out of this.'
So he goes to the bathtub makers. They're like - 'what are you, crazy? Get outta here.'
But he perseveres. That's what you gotta admire. He perseveres.
Because plenty of people say they're gonna invent something.
But it's all a lot of hot air. In his case it really was a lot of hot air.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE.
JERRY
I hear you're dating a hotshot Wall Street broker these days.
Step up from your usual stumble bums.
ELAINE
Yeah. Y'know. Whatever.
GEORGE
You don't sound so keen.
ELAINE
Ben's great, I guess. Good looker, great job prospects, money. But...
JERRY
But what? Trouble in the bedroom?
ELAINE
I don't know I want to discuss it.
GEORGE
C'mon, Elaine. You're among friends.
ELAINE
(SIGHS) Do we have to share every tiny little detail of our lives?
JERRY
If it's juicy, sure. C'mon, Benes, spill the beans!
ELAINE
He talks during...y'know. Juicy enough for ya?
JERRY
As I recall you enjoyed a little bedtime dirty talk.
ELAINE
This isn't dirty talk. It's endless chatter about his day,
the Dow Jones, the Nasdaq, blah blah blah, federal taxes, treasury coupons.
It completely destroys my natural rhythm. I can't find my groove.
It's very unsatisfying.
GEORGE
I had the exact opposite problem. This woman used to talk about nothing but food.
Meals she'd eaten, meals she was gonna eat. The ingredients.I had to break it off.
JERRY
Food and sex? Your two favourite pastimes.
GEORGE
It was too intense. Sensory overload. I feared I was only
a clam chowder recipe away from a heart attack.
JERRY
In bed we should restrict ourselves to compliments and encouragement.
GEORGE
And Hollywood gossip.
ELAINE
Ooooh, I'd kill for Ben to mention George Clooney.
GEORGE
Loretta Swit every time.
JERRY
M*A*S*H. Hot Lips Houlihan.
GEORGE
I always felt Hawkeye and Trapper John never appreciated her the way I did.
JERRY
You know who Klinger always reminded me of? Kramer.
ELAINE
There is a certain shared doofus quality.
GEORGE
Except Kramer doesn't dress up in women's clothes.
ELAINE
That we know of.
DOOR BURSTS IN. KRAMER ENTERS.
JERRY
Speak of the devil.
KRAMER DOESN'T SPEAK. HE MIMES. GESTURING AT HIS THROAT.
JERRY
What's up? Cat got your tongue?
KRAMER MIMES
ELAINE
I think he's trying to tell us something. What is it, Lassie? What is it, boy?
KRAMER MIMES FRANTICALLY
GEORGE
I think he trying to tell us he's lost his voice.
KRAMER POINTS AT GEORGE. BINGO!
GEORGE
You got laryngitis, Kramer?
KRAMER SMACKS HIS HEAD. D'UH!
JERRY
I hope it's not contagious. I've got a show to do.
ELAINE
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Contagious? Ben!
If Ben caught laryngitus he'd shut the hell up.
Kramer, can you meet me at the coffee shop later?
I'll bring Ben. Mebbe he'll catch it from you.
KRAMER GIVES ELAINE AN AFFIRMATIVE THUMBS UP.
JERRY
An ingenious plan.
ELAINE
It's come to this. My sex life is dependent on Kramer's germs.
INT. GEORGE'S OFFICE.
GEORGE HAS HIS FEET UP ON HIS DESK AND IS LEANING BACK
IN HIS CHAIR IDLY LEAFING THROUGH A COPY OF GLAMOUR MAGAZINE.
INTERCOM
Costanza! I want you in my office. This minute!
GEORGE TUMBLES BACKWARDS OFF HIS CHAIR. HE SCRAMBLES UP.
GEORGE
Yessir! Mr Lieberman!
INT. MR LIEBERMAN'S OFFICE.
LIEBERMAN IS A THICKSET MAN WITH SILVER HAIR.
HE HAS A THOUSAND DOLLAR SUIT AND IS TWIRLING AN UNLIT
HAVANA CIGAR BETWEEN HIS FINGERS. THIS IS A MAN USED TO PEOPLE
JUMPING WHEN HE SAYS JUMP.
LIEBERMAN
Take a seat, Costanza. I don't have much time.
My Lear jet is fueled and ready at LaGuardia.
GEORGE
Taking a trip, sir?
LIEBERMAN
(SARCASTIC) No, Costanza. I plan to take it to the end of the runaway
and back to see how it handles. Of course I'm taking a trip, man!
GEORGE
Sorry, sir.
LIEBERMAN
I'm flying to Switzerland to have my blood changed.
GEORGE
Your blood changed? They can do that?
LIEBERMAN
These Swiss doctors can. They drain my blood, filter it for impurities,
and pour it back in. Makes me feel 20 years younger.
GEORGE
Kinda like oil changing a Buick.
LIEBERMAN
Now, what do you know about Bonsai?
GEORGE
The character from 'Happy Days'?
LIEBERMAN
Not Fonzie, you imbecile! Bonsai.
It's the ancient Japanese art of growing miniaturized trees.
I have a Bonsai tree in my penthouse apartment that's 250 years old.
Yet is no more than 18 inches tall.
I want you to look after it while I'm away. Understand?
GEORGE
No problem, sir.
LIEBERMAN
It needs a sun lamp for 8 hours aday. No longer or it scorches.
Water twice daily. Mist every 40 minutes.
Do this right, Costanza, and you're going places.
Screw up, and the only place you'll be going is skid row.
GEORGE
Yessir, Mr Lieberman, sir!
INT. MONK'S COFFEE SHOP.
KRAMER SEATED AT A BOOTH.
ELAINE AND BEN ENTER.
ELAINE
(MOCK SURPRISE) Why, Kramer, fancy meeting you here.
I had no idea you were going to be here at all. Or you me. May we join you?
KRAMER NOD AFFIRMATIVELY.
ELAINE
Here, Ben. You sit next to Kramer. Nice and friendly.
BEN SITS NEXT TO KRAMER
ELAINE
Closer, Ben. Don't be shy.
BEN SHIFTS CLOSER TO KRAMER
ELAINE
I said closer. Closer!
ELAINE SHOVES BEN SO HARD HE ALMOST ENDS UP IN KRAMER'S LAP.
INT. MR LIEBERMAN'S PENTHOUSE APARTMENT, MANHATTAN.
GEORGE IS SHOWING HIS PARENTS AROUND.
GEORGE
What do you think, Ma? My new apartment.
ESTELLE
Your apartment? Oh Georgie, you could never afford a place like this.
GEORGE
Why? Why couldn't your son afford a place like this?
FRANK
Because you don't work hard enough. You're too lazy.
Always lounging around with Seinfeld, Kramer and the girl with the crazy hair.
ESTELLE
Whose is it really, Georgie? Tell me.
GEORGE
It's my boss, Mr Lieberman. I'm helping him out while he gets his blood changed in Switzerland.
FRANK
What's he want Swiss blood for? American blood not good enough for him?
It was good enough for Theodore Roosevelt. Good enough for Franklin D. Roosevelt.
For all the other Roosevelts. American blood. Best in the world.
GEORGE
How about this for a tv set? 62 inch plasma screen.
Super deluxe cable. Over 600 channels.
FRANK
Can you get Mannix?
GEORGE
I don't know if you can get Mannix. What difference does it make?
FRANK
If you can't get Mannix it's a piece of junk.
GEORGE
It has over 50 porn channels.
ESTELLE
Promise me you won't watch any porn, Georgie.
I don't want to end up back in the hospital.
GEORGE
Fine. No porn. Y'know, I took the trouble to bring you up here,
show you round, and all you do is complain.
FRANK
This place got a john?
GEORGE
Down the hall. Second left.
FRANK EXITS
GEORGE
I'm saying you could be more grateful, is all.
FRANK ENTERS
FRANK
I'm not using that. There are mirrors on the walls.
That is one room you do not want to be
seeing what it is you're doing.
GEORGE
Fine. Use the maids closet. Down the hallway. First right.
FRANK EXITS
GEORGE
One day I might buy a place like this for myself.
ESTELLE
Oh Georgie, never in a million years.
FRANK
(FROM HALLWAY)
Two million years!
GEORGE
(ANGRY) Mr Lieberman says I'm going places.
Your son, George Costanza. He's going all the way to the top, baby!
FRANK
George, there's no toilet paper in here so I'm using the towels.
GEORGE
Oh my God!
GEORGE RACES FOR THE HALL.
EXT. NYC STREET.
3 GERMAN TOURISTS - HANS, DIETER AND HELGA STOP KRAMER AND ASK DIRECTIONS.
HANS
Please, sir. We are from Germany. Visiting New York for the first time.
Could you tell where is your Statue of LIberty?
KRAMER TRIES TO MIME DIRECTIONS
DIETER
What is he doing, Hans? Is he ill? Why doesn't he speak?
HANS
I don't know, Dieter.
Perhaps he is one of the crazy street people we read so much about.
KRAMER MIMES - NO, NO.
HELGA
I am frightened, Hans. He looks so wild and untamed.
Should we call the police?
KRAMER MIMES _ NO! NO!
HELGA
Police! Police!
NYC COP ARRIVES
COP
What's going on here?
HANS
We ask the way to Statue of Liberty from this man.
He go crazy like a lunatic.
KRAMER MIMES - LOST MY VOICE
HELGA
He's pointing at his mouth. Does he mean oral?
COP
Oral? So that's your sick game, is it, pal. You're under arrest.
COP HANDCUFFS KRAMER AND LEADS HIM AWAY.
DIETER
Did you get a photograph, Hans? Imagine what they will say home in Bavaria.
We saw an actual real life genuine American psycho.
INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT.
BEN ENTERS
ELAINE
You want to eat here or go out someplace?
BEN POINTS AT HIS MOUTH. HE'S LOST HIS VOICE.
ELAINE
You've lost your voice? Oh my poor Benjy. Y'know what's good for laryngitis?
BEN SHRUGS - NO
ELAINE
Sex. Lots and lots of sex.
ELAINE DRAGS BEN INTO THE BEDROOM
INT. ELEVATOR.
JERRY AND ELAINE TAKE THE ELEVATOR TO LIEBERMAN'S PENTHOUSE.
JERRY
You look like the cat that got the cream.
ELAINE
I did. Five times.
JERRY
That's a lot of cream. Ben caught Kramer's laryngitis?
ELAINE
He's as silent as the grave, Jerry. I can totally concentrate on my moves.
JERRY
You realise he'll recover?
ELAINE
Perhaps I can have his vocal cords surgically removed.
ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS. GEORGE GREETS THEM.
GEORGE
Jerry, come quick. I've found Lieberman's comic collection.
And he has Action Comics #1!
JERRY
This is incredible.
ELAINE
What? What?
JERRY
Elaine, Action Comics #1 is the first comic to feature Superman.
It's worth like thousands of dollars.
ELAINE
Oh boy. I came all this way to look at comics.
GEORGE
Look! Detective Comic #27! In mint condition!
JERRY
The first Batman. George, this place is a gold mine.
ELAINE
I can't believe you two. Take a look at the art in this place.
There must be millions of bucks on the walls, and all you care about is comics.
GEORGE
Comics are a form of art.
ELAINE
Oh sure. Van Gogh must be kicking himself for painting masterpieces
when he could have been drawing men in stretchy pants.
JERRY
Perhaps if he had, Elaine, he wouldn't have sliced his own ear off.
ELAINE LOOKS ABOUT. SHE NOTICES THE BONSAI TREE.
ELAINE
This the Bonsai tree you're meant to be looking after?
GEORGE
What? Oh yeah. Whatever.
ELAINE
Cute.
GEORGE
Don't touch it. If anything happens to it I'm a dead man.
ELAINE
Even you, George, ought to be able to care for a tree.
C'mon, leave the comics and show me around.
GEORGE
Ok, ok. Check out the balcony. Lieberman has an outside jacuzzi.
JERRY
Just what you want in a 50 storey building. A bathtub on an exposed ledge.
GEORGE
What d'you say we take a dip? The three of us?
ELAINE
If you think I'm sitting naked in a jacuzzi with you, George, you're crazy.
GEORGE
We don't have to be naked. We keep our underwear on.
ELAINE
Dream on, frat boy.
GEORGE
Jerry?
JERRY
I think you can guess my policy.
GEORGE
Fine, fine. I'll sit in the jacuzzi by myself. Naked. Hah!
ELAINE
Ugh! You're welcome.
GEORGE
It has hot massage jets, y'know. You don't know what you're missing.
JERRY
Oh we know.
INT. NIGHT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT.
BEDROOM. ELAINE AND BEN ARE HOT AND HEAVY.
ELAINE
Hmmm! Ben, you were wonderful.
BEN
No, you were wonderful. Hey! I got my voice back. Man, the day I've had.
The Dow was down in early trading. Bad news on the Yen.
Telecoms went through the floor. Bonds were up. But only by a percentage.
Fiscal policy in the emerging tiger economies on the Pacific Rim, well, don't get me started....
ELAINE ROLLS OFF BEN AND PULLS THE PILLOW OVER HER HEAD
TO TRY AND BLOCK BEN'S INCESSANT CHATTER.
INT. NIGHT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY IS MIXING CEREAL.
THE PHONE RINGS.
JERRY
Hello?
GEORGE
Jerry, it's me.
JERRY
Hi George. Hey, guess what, I had to bail Kramer out of jail.
GEORGE
Jerry, I'm in the jacuzzi. You have to come over here.
JERRY
I told you, George. I'm not getting in a jacuzzi with you.
GEORGE
No, no! Don't hang up. I'm stuck, Jerry.
JERRY
Stuck?
GEORGE
The jacuzzi has nozzles. Some squirt hot water others suck water in.
I was alone...
JERRY
You didn't?
GEORGE
I did, Jerry.
JERRY
Why? Why would you do that?
GEORGE
Is that really important? Does why help?
I was curious. I took a shot. Who was gonna know?
JERRY
And now you're stuck?
GEORGE
Like a snake in a vice.
JERRY
So what does it feel like?
GEORGE
Hard to say. It went numb about an hour ago. You've got to help me, Jerry.
JERRY
Me? I'm not touching your ---
GEORGE
No, no. All you have to do is switch the water jets off.
I can't reach the controls.
JERRY
How'd you call me?
GEORGE
Lieberman keeps a phone by the tub.
JERRY
Ok. Hang in there, George.
GEORGE
Funny guy. Hurry. Lieberman's due back tonight. He can't find me like this.
JERRY
I should think not.
GEORGE
Oh and Jerry? Bring some balm. I'm gonna need it.
INT. NIGHT. PENTHOUSE APARTMENT.
GEORGE AND JERRY.
GEORGE IS OUT OF THE JACUZZI. HE HAS A TOWEL WRAPPED ROUND HIS WAIST.
GEORGE
That lousy rotten piece of junk! There should be warnings.
JERRY
Danger. Do not insert your ---
GEORGE
No warnings then. A safety device. I'm severely bruised.
Not to say chafed. And you forgot the balm.
JERRY
(SNIFFS) Can you smell something?
GEORGE
(SNIFFS) Smells like burning.
GEORGE HAS LEFT THE SUN LAMP ON. THE BONSAI TREE HAS CAUGHT FIRE.
GEORGE
Oh no! Oh no!
GEORGE GRABS THE TREE AND RUSHES TO THE JACUZZI, JUMPING IN AND DOUSING THE FLAMES.
THE BONSAI TREE IS A SMOULDERING STUMP.
GEORGE
Omigod! Do you think Lieberman will notice?
JERRY
Notice? It looks like Hiroshima Ground Zero.
SOUND OF A KEY IN A LOCK.
THE DOOR OPENS.
MR LIEBERMAN STRIDES IN.
HE SEES A NAKED GEORGE, DRIPPING WET, HOLDING THE CHARRED RUINS
OF HIS 250 YEAR OLD BONSAI TREE.
LIEBERMAN
!!!!COSTANZA!!!
INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY AND ELAINE.
ELAINE
Wow. What happened next?
JERRY
It got a bit nasty.
ELAINE
(LAUGHS) I can imagine.
JERRY
Fortunately George won't face criminal charges.
Lieberman's lawyers think it might be potentially embarrassing
given what George had been doing.
ELAINE
(LAUGHS) I'll bet! What is it with men and those things?
You just stick them wherever the hell you like or what?.
JERRY
They're mysterious little fellows, Elaine.
I sometimes think they're the masters and us only their slaves.
Doomed to do their bidding the rest of our days.
DOOR BURSTS IN. KRAMER ENTERS. THEN GEORGE
.
ELAINE
Well well. If it isn't the jacuzzi love stud himself.
GEORGE
You blabbed? I thought this was going in the vault.
JERRY
It's too juicy for the vault.
KRAMER
Elaine told me. I told Newman. I think Newman's told your parents.
GEORGE
My parents? Oh my God!
JERRY
You got your voice back?
KRAMER
Giddyup, buddy. The laryngitis wore off.
ELAINE
Tell me about it.
JERRY
Ben all better too?
ELAINE
Lemme put it this way.
If you wanna know about the economic outlook in the South American stock market,
I'm your girl.
KRAMER
You know what you need? Earplugs.
My friend Bob Saccamano used to work construction.
The big power hammers. Boom! Boom! Boom! All day long.
He's got abnormally sensitive eardrums. Bought some industrial strength earplugs.
He's in a silent world of his own.
ELAINE
Earplugs? That might just work. Gee, thanks, Kramer.
KRAMER
Your pleasure is my pleasure.
PHONE RINGS
JERRY
Hello? Oh hi, Mrs Costanza. Yes, George is here.
HANDS PHONE TO GEORGE
GEORGE
Ma? Yes, I lost my job. I know a jacuzzi isn't an amusement park.
No, I'm not seeing a psychiatrist again. Because I'm not.
It was an accident. It could have happened to anyone.
ELAINE
Yeah. Right.
GEORGE
I don't care, ma. I'm not seeing a psychiatrist. I'm hanging up now.
(HANGS UP)
JERRY
Gave you a hard time, huh?
GEORGE
How come she can't catch laryngitis? Permanently.
INT. HOUSE. BAVARIA, GERMANY.
HANS, DIETER AND HELGA ARE SHOWING HOLIDAY SLIDES TO FRIENDS AND RELATIVES. INCLUDING GRETCHEN, A SMALL BLONDE CHILD.
A SLIDE OF KRAMER FLASHES UP.
GRETCHEN
Oh mama! I am frightened. Is he the bogeyman?
HELGA
There there, liebchen. You are safe. But you are right to be afraid.
He was a brute of a man. We were lucky to escape with our lives.
THE END
*****
Enjoy the script? Why not let me know at pjazzer2000@yahoo.co.uk
Or post a review at fanfiction. net
******
A Seinfeld fan's script by Pjazz
2003
STAND UP
The jacuzzi is a funny invention.
It's not like the wheel or the internal combustion engine.
An invention that changed the world. Air through a bathtub.
Not of world shattering importance.
I'm not sure how it started. Was there a Mr Jacuzzi? Someplace in Italy.
He's taking a bath. Mebbe Mrs Jacuzzi fed him too many beans for dinner.
He's feeling bloated. Suddenly there are bubbles in the water.
He thinks 'this feels pretty good. Mebbe I can make money out of this.'
So he goes to the bathtub makers. They're like - 'what are you, crazy? Get outta here.'
But he perseveres. That's what you gotta admire. He perseveres.
Because plenty of people say they're gonna invent something.
But it's all a lot of hot air. In his case it really was a lot of hot air.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE.
JERRY
I hear you're dating a hotshot Wall Street broker these days.
Step up from your usual stumble bums.
ELAINE
Yeah. Y'know. Whatever.
GEORGE
You don't sound so keen.
ELAINE
Ben's great, I guess. Good looker, great job prospects, money. But...
JERRY
But what? Trouble in the bedroom?
ELAINE
I don't know I want to discuss it.
GEORGE
C'mon, Elaine. You're among friends.
ELAINE
(SIGHS) Do we have to share every tiny little detail of our lives?
JERRY
If it's juicy, sure. C'mon, Benes, spill the beans!
ELAINE
He talks during...y'know. Juicy enough for ya?
JERRY
As I recall you enjoyed a little bedtime dirty talk.
ELAINE
This isn't dirty talk. It's endless chatter about his day,
the Dow Jones, the Nasdaq, blah blah blah, federal taxes, treasury coupons.
It completely destroys my natural rhythm. I can't find my groove.
It's very unsatisfying.
GEORGE
I had the exact opposite problem. This woman used to talk about nothing but food.
Meals she'd eaten, meals she was gonna eat. The ingredients.I had to break it off.
JERRY
Food and sex? Your two favourite pastimes.
GEORGE
It was too intense. Sensory overload. I feared I was only
a clam chowder recipe away from a heart attack.
JERRY
In bed we should restrict ourselves to compliments and encouragement.
GEORGE
And Hollywood gossip.
ELAINE
Ooooh, I'd kill for Ben to mention George Clooney.
GEORGE
Loretta Swit every time.
JERRY
M*A*S*H. Hot Lips Houlihan.
GEORGE
I always felt Hawkeye and Trapper John never appreciated her the way I did.
JERRY
You know who Klinger always reminded me of? Kramer.
ELAINE
There is a certain shared doofus quality.
GEORGE
Except Kramer doesn't dress up in women's clothes.
ELAINE
That we know of.
DOOR BURSTS IN. KRAMER ENTERS.
JERRY
Speak of the devil.
KRAMER DOESN'T SPEAK. HE MIMES. GESTURING AT HIS THROAT.
JERRY
What's up? Cat got your tongue?
KRAMER MIMES
ELAINE
I think he's trying to tell us something. What is it, Lassie? What is it, boy?
KRAMER MIMES FRANTICALLY
GEORGE
I think he trying to tell us he's lost his voice.
KRAMER POINTS AT GEORGE. BINGO!
GEORGE
You got laryngitis, Kramer?
KRAMER SMACKS HIS HEAD. D'UH!
JERRY
I hope it's not contagious. I've got a show to do.
ELAINE
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Contagious? Ben!
If Ben caught laryngitus he'd shut the hell up.
Kramer, can you meet me at the coffee shop later?
I'll bring Ben. Mebbe he'll catch it from you.
KRAMER GIVES ELAINE AN AFFIRMATIVE THUMBS UP.
JERRY
An ingenious plan.
ELAINE
It's come to this. My sex life is dependent on Kramer's germs.
INT. GEORGE'S OFFICE.
GEORGE HAS HIS FEET UP ON HIS DESK AND IS LEANING BACK
IN HIS CHAIR IDLY LEAFING THROUGH A COPY OF GLAMOUR MAGAZINE.
INTERCOM
Costanza! I want you in my office. This minute!
GEORGE TUMBLES BACKWARDS OFF HIS CHAIR. HE SCRAMBLES UP.
GEORGE
Yessir! Mr Lieberman!
INT. MR LIEBERMAN'S OFFICE.
LIEBERMAN IS A THICKSET MAN WITH SILVER HAIR.
HE HAS A THOUSAND DOLLAR SUIT AND IS TWIRLING AN UNLIT
HAVANA CIGAR BETWEEN HIS FINGERS. THIS IS A MAN USED TO PEOPLE
JUMPING WHEN HE SAYS JUMP.
LIEBERMAN
Take a seat, Costanza. I don't have much time.
My Lear jet is fueled and ready at LaGuardia.
GEORGE
Taking a trip, sir?
LIEBERMAN
(SARCASTIC) No, Costanza. I plan to take it to the end of the runaway
and back to see how it handles. Of course I'm taking a trip, man!
GEORGE
Sorry, sir.
LIEBERMAN
I'm flying to Switzerland to have my blood changed.
GEORGE
Your blood changed? They can do that?
LIEBERMAN
These Swiss doctors can. They drain my blood, filter it for impurities,
and pour it back in. Makes me feel 20 years younger.
GEORGE
Kinda like oil changing a Buick.
LIEBERMAN
Now, what do you know about Bonsai?
GEORGE
The character from 'Happy Days'?
LIEBERMAN
Not Fonzie, you imbecile! Bonsai.
It's the ancient Japanese art of growing miniaturized trees.
I have a Bonsai tree in my penthouse apartment that's 250 years old.
Yet is no more than 18 inches tall.
I want you to look after it while I'm away. Understand?
GEORGE
No problem, sir.
LIEBERMAN
It needs a sun lamp for 8 hours aday. No longer or it scorches.
Water twice daily. Mist every 40 minutes.
Do this right, Costanza, and you're going places.
Screw up, and the only place you'll be going is skid row.
GEORGE
Yessir, Mr Lieberman, sir!
INT. MONK'S COFFEE SHOP.
KRAMER SEATED AT A BOOTH.
ELAINE AND BEN ENTER.
ELAINE
(MOCK SURPRISE) Why, Kramer, fancy meeting you here.
I had no idea you were going to be here at all. Or you me. May we join you?
KRAMER NOD AFFIRMATIVELY.
ELAINE
Here, Ben. You sit next to Kramer. Nice and friendly.
BEN SITS NEXT TO KRAMER
ELAINE
Closer, Ben. Don't be shy.
BEN SHIFTS CLOSER TO KRAMER
ELAINE
I said closer. Closer!
ELAINE SHOVES BEN SO HARD HE ALMOST ENDS UP IN KRAMER'S LAP.
INT. MR LIEBERMAN'S PENTHOUSE APARTMENT, MANHATTAN.
GEORGE IS SHOWING HIS PARENTS AROUND.
GEORGE
What do you think, Ma? My new apartment.
ESTELLE
Your apartment? Oh Georgie, you could never afford a place like this.
GEORGE
Why? Why couldn't your son afford a place like this?
FRANK
Because you don't work hard enough. You're too lazy.
Always lounging around with Seinfeld, Kramer and the girl with the crazy hair.
ESTELLE
Whose is it really, Georgie? Tell me.
GEORGE
It's my boss, Mr Lieberman. I'm helping him out while he gets his blood changed in Switzerland.
FRANK
What's he want Swiss blood for? American blood not good enough for him?
It was good enough for Theodore Roosevelt. Good enough for Franklin D. Roosevelt.
For all the other Roosevelts. American blood. Best in the world.
GEORGE
How about this for a tv set? 62 inch plasma screen.
Super deluxe cable. Over 600 channels.
FRANK
Can you get Mannix?
GEORGE
I don't know if you can get Mannix. What difference does it make?
FRANK
If you can't get Mannix it's a piece of junk.
GEORGE
It has over 50 porn channels.
ESTELLE
Promise me you won't watch any porn, Georgie.
I don't want to end up back in the hospital.
GEORGE
Fine. No porn. Y'know, I took the trouble to bring you up here,
show you round, and all you do is complain.
FRANK
This place got a john?
GEORGE
Down the hall. Second left.
FRANK EXITS
GEORGE
I'm saying you could be more grateful, is all.
FRANK ENTERS
FRANK
I'm not using that. There are mirrors on the walls.
That is one room you do not want to be
seeing what it is you're doing.
GEORGE
Fine. Use the maids closet. Down the hallway. First right.
FRANK EXITS
GEORGE
One day I might buy a place like this for myself.
ESTELLE
Oh Georgie, never in a million years.
FRANK
(FROM HALLWAY)
Two million years!
GEORGE
(ANGRY) Mr Lieberman says I'm going places.
Your son, George Costanza. He's going all the way to the top, baby!
FRANK
George, there's no toilet paper in here so I'm using the towels.
GEORGE
Oh my God!
GEORGE RACES FOR THE HALL.
EXT. NYC STREET.
3 GERMAN TOURISTS - HANS, DIETER AND HELGA STOP KRAMER AND ASK DIRECTIONS.
HANS
Please, sir. We are from Germany. Visiting New York for the first time.
Could you tell where is your Statue of LIberty?
KRAMER TRIES TO MIME DIRECTIONS
DIETER
What is he doing, Hans? Is he ill? Why doesn't he speak?
HANS
I don't know, Dieter.
Perhaps he is one of the crazy street people we read so much about.
KRAMER MIMES - NO, NO.
HELGA
I am frightened, Hans. He looks so wild and untamed.
Should we call the police?
KRAMER MIMES _ NO! NO!
HELGA
Police! Police!
NYC COP ARRIVES
COP
What's going on here?
HANS
We ask the way to Statue of Liberty from this man.
He go crazy like a lunatic.
KRAMER MIMES - LOST MY VOICE
HELGA
He's pointing at his mouth. Does he mean oral?
COP
Oral? So that's your sick game, is it, pal. You're under arrest.
COP HANDCUFFS KRAMER AND LEADS HIM AWAY.
DIETER
Did you get a photograph, Hans? Imagine what they will say home in Bavaria.
We saw an actual real life genuine American psycho.
INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT.
BEN ENTERS
ELAINE
You want to eat here or go out someplace?
BEN POINTS AT HIS MOUTH. HE'S LOST HIS VOICE.
ELAINE
You've lost your voice? Oh my poor Benjy. Y'know what's good for laryngitis?
BEN SHRUGS - NO
ELAINE
Sex. Lots and lots of sex.
ELAINE DRAGS BEN INTO THE BEDROOM
INT. ELEVATOR.
JERRY AND ELAINE TAKE THE ELEVATOR TO LIEBERMAN'S PENTHOUSE.
JERRY
You look like the cat that got the cream.
ELAINE
I did. Five times.
JERRY
That's a lot of cream. Ben caught Kramer's laryngitis?
ELAINE
He's as silent as the grave, Jerry. I can totally concentrate on my moves.
JERRY
You realise he'll recover?
ELAINE
Perhaps I can have his vocal cords surgically removed.
ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS. GEORGE GREETS THEM.
GEORGE
Jerry, come quick. I've found Lieberman's comic collection.
And he has Action Comics #1!
JERRY
This is incredible.
ELAINE
What? What?
JERRY
Elaine, Action Comics #1 is the first comic to feature Superman.
It's worth like thousands of dollars.
ELAINE
Oh boy. I came all this way to look at comics.
GEORGE
Look! Detective Comic #27! In mint condition!
JERRY
The first Batman. George, this place is a gold mine.
ELAINE
I can't believe you two. Take a look at the art in this place.
There must be millions of bucks on the walls, and all you care about is comics.
GEORGE
Comics are a form of art.
ELAINE
Oh sure. Van Gogh must be kicking himself for painting masterpieces
when he could have been drawing men in stretchy pants.
JERRY
Perhaps if he had, Elaine, he wouldn't have sliced his own ear off.
ELAINE LOOKS ABOUT. SHE NOTICES THE BONSAI TREE.
ELAINE
This the Bonsai tree you're meant to be looking after?
GEORGE
What? Oh yeah. Whatever.
ELAINE
Cute.
GEORGE
Don't touch it. If anything happens to it I'm a dead man.
ELAINE
Even you, George, ought to be able to care for a tree.
C'mon, leave the comics and show me around.
GEORGE
Ok, ok. Check out the balcony. Lieberman has an outside jacuzzi.
JERRY
Just what you want in a 50 storey building. A bathtub on an exposed ledge.
GEORGE
What d'you say we take a dip? The three of us?
ELAINE
If you think I'm sitting naked in a jacuzzi with you, George, you're crazy.
GEORGE
We don't have to be naked. We keep our underwear on.
ELAINE
Dream on, frat boy.
GEORGE
Jerry?
JERRY
I think you can guess my policy.
GEORGE
Fine, fine. I'll sit in the jacuzzi by myself. Naked. Hah!
ELAINE
Ugh! You're welcome.
GEORGE
It has hot massage jets, y'know. You don't know what you're missing.
JERRY
Oh we know.
INT. NIGHT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT.
BEDROOM. ELAINE AND BEN ARE HOT AND HEAVY.
ELAINE
Hmmm! Ben, you were wonderful.
BEN
No, you were wonderful. Hey! I got my voice back. Man, the day I've had.
The Dow was down in early trading. Bad news on the Yen.
Telecoms went through the floor. Bonds were up. But only by a percentage.
Fiscal policy in the emerging tiger economies on the Pacific Rim, well, don't get me started....
ELAINE ROLLS OFF BEN AND PULLS THE PILLOW OVER HER HEAD
TO TRY AND BLOCK BEN'S INCESSANT CHATTER.
INT. NIGHT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY IS MIXING CEREAL.
THE PHONE RINGS.
JERRY
Hello?
GEORGE
Jerry, it's me.
JERRY
Hi George. Hey, guess what, I had to bail Kramer out of jail.
GEORGE
Jerry, I'm in the jacuzzi. You have to come over here.
JERRY
I told you, George. I'm not getting in a jacuzzi with you.
GEORGE
No, no! Don't hang up. I'm stuck, Jerry.
JERRY
Stuck?
GEORGE
The jacuzzi has nozzles. Some squirt hot water others suck water in.
I was alone...
JERRY
You didn't?
GEORGE
I did, Jerry.
JERRY
Why? Why would you do that?
GEORGE
Is that really important? Does why help?
I was curious. I took a shot. Who was gonna know?
JERRY
And now you're stuck?
GEORGE
Like a snake in a vice.
JERRY
So what does it feel like?
GEORGE
Hard to say. It went numb about an hour ago. You've got to help me, Jerry.
JERRY
Me? I'm not touching your ---
GEORGE
No, no. All you have to do is switch the water jets off.
I can't reach the controls.
JERRY
How'd you call me?
GEORGE
Lieberman keeps a phone by the tub.
JERRY
Ok. Hang in there, George.
GEORGE
Funny guy. Hurry. Lieberman's due back tonight. He can't find me like this.
JERRY
I should think not.
GEORGE
Oh and Jerry? Bring some balm. I'm gonna need it.
INT. NIGHT. PENTHOUSE APARTMENT.
GEORGE AND JERRY.
GEORGE IS OUT OF THE JACUZZI. HE HAS A TOWEL WRAPPED ROUND HIS WAIST.
GEORGE
That lousy rotten piece of junk! There should be warnings.
JERRY
Danger. Do not insert your ---
GEORGE
No warnings then. A safety device. I'm severely bruised.
Not to say chafed. And you forgot the balm.
JERRY
(SNIFFS) Can you smell something?
GEORGE
(SNIFFS) Smells like burning.
GEORGE HAS LEFT THE SUN LAMP ON. THE BONSAI TREE HAS CAUGHT FIRE.
GEORGE
Oh no! Oh no!
GEORGE GRABS THE TREE AND RUSHES TO THE JACUZZI, JUMPING IN AND DOUSING THE FLAMES.
THE BONSAI TREE IS A SMOULDERING STUMP.
GEORGE
Omigod! Do you think Lieberman will notice?
JERRY
Notice? It looks like Hiroshima Ground Zero.
SOUND OF A KEY IN A LOCK.
THE DOOR OPENS.
MR LIEBERMAN STRIDES IN.
HE SEES A NAKED GEORGE, DRIPPING WET, HOLDING THE CHARRED RUINS
OF HIS 250 YEAR OLD BONSAI TREE.
LIEBERMAN
!!!!COSTANZA!!!
INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY AND ELAINE.
ELAINE
Wow. What happened next?
JERRY
It got a bit nasty.
ELAINE
(LAUGHS) I can imagine.
JERRY
Fortunately George won't face criminal charges.
Lieberman's lawyers think it might be potentially embarrassing
given what George had been doing.
ELAINE
(LAUGHS) I'll bet! What is it with men and those things?
You just stick them wherever the hell you like or what?.
JERRY
They're mysterious little fellows, Elaine.
I sometimes think they're the masters and us only their slaves.
Doomed to do their bidding the rest of our days.
DOOR BURSTS IN. KRAMER ENTERS. THEN GEORGE
.
ELAINE
Well well. If it isn't the jacuzzi love stud himself.
GEORGE
You blabbed? I thought this was going in the vault.
JERRY
It's too juicy for the vault.
KRAMER
Elaine told me. I told Newman. I think Newman's told your parents.
GEORGE
My parents? Oh my God!
JERRY
You got your voice back?
KRAMER
Giddyup, buddy. The laryngitis wore off.
ELAINE
Tell me about it.
JERRY
Ben all better too?
ELAINE
Lemme put it this way.
If you wanna know about the economic outlook in the South American stock market,
I'm your girl.
KRAMER
You know what you need? Earplugs.
My friend Bob Saccamano used to work construction.
The big power hammers. Boom! Boom! Boom! All day long.
He's got abnormally sensitive eardrums. Bought some industrial strength earplugs.
He's in a silent world of his own.
ELAINE
Earplugs? That might just work. Gee, thanks, Kramer.
KRAMER
Your pleasure is my pleasure.
PHONE RINGS
JERRY
Hello? Oh hi, Mrs Costanza. Yes, George is here.
HANDS PHONE TO GEORGE
GEORGE
Ma? Yes, I lost my job. I know a jacuzzi isn't an amusement park.
No, I'm not seeing a psychiatrist again. Because I'm not.
It was an accident. It could have happened to anyone.
ELAINE
Yeah. Right.
GEORGE
I don't care, ma. I'm not seeing a psychiatrist. I'm hanging up now.
(HANGS UP)
JERRY
Gave you a hard time, huh?
GEORGE
How come she can't catch laryngitis? Permanently.
INT. HOUSE. BAVARIA, GERMANY.
HANS, DIETER AND HELGA ARE SHOWING HOLIDAY SLIDES TO FRIENDS AND RELATIVES. INCLUDING GRETCHEN, A SMALL BLONDE CHILD.
A SLIDE OF KRAMER FLASHES UP.
GRETCHEN
Oh mama! I am frightened. Is he the bogeyman?
HELGA
There there, liebchen. You are safe. But you are right to be afraid.
He was a brute of a man. We were lucky to escape with our lives.
THE END
*****
Enjoy the script? Why not let me know at pjazzer2000@yahoo.co.uk
Or post a review at fanfiction. net
******