Back Before Dawn
by Annakovsky
Part 11/12
See part 1 for disclaimer, rating, etc.
*
*
*********************************************
Dawn: 9:45 am, Wednesday, February 19, 2003
*********************************************
*
*
So. I'm not only not real, I'm also the reason everything sucks. That... figures, actually.
This really shouldn't hit me that hard. I mean, I know I didn't exist before two years ago and that all my memories before that are fake. Those monks really did a good job with the memory thing, though. Like, for instance, I totally remember the day my dad told me he and Mom were getting divorced. He took me out for ice cream, and I got mint chocolate chip. We were sitting outside the ice cream place with our cones, which were all drippy because it was July, so I was really concentrating on licking all around the edges so it wouldn't dribble all over me when he said it. The part I remember the most was when he was like, "Sometimes, Pumpkin, we have to do things that hurt because it's for the good of everybody." Of course, I guess he really meant, sometimes we have to do things that hurt because we want to boff our secretary. But hey, that practically means the same thing, right?
I couldn't eat mint chocolate chip ice cream for two years after that without feeling sick to my stomach, and it was my favorite. Except it totally wasn't, because none of that ever happened. See how this screws you up? I mean, sometimes I still really miss my dad. But I've never actually met him.
They don't even make therapists for that kind of problem.
And now I've got an extra crazy problem, because it's my existence that has almost made the world end three times and made everyone else's life hell. I guess it really is my fault that Buffy doesn't seem to like me very much. When I said that to Xander he was all shocked and was like, "No, no Dawnie! Buffy loves you! She's just really distracted and has had a hard couple of years, that's all." But the hard couple of years are my fault, so... yeah. I mean, I know that Buffy loves me, I guess. It's just that in between those huge heroic/sacrificial giving-her-life-to-save-me moments - well, it doesn't seem like she does.
But it's funny how I'm the one who's the cause of all this, and I'm practically the only one who hasn't done anything terrible, you know? I mean, shoplifting is so kid's stuff compared to the murder and mayhem the rest of them have done. It's not like I was the one who decided to raise Buffy from the dead, or raised a Satanic temple and tried to destroy the world. Willow and raising - never a good thing. And hey, I didn't try to rape anybody, or murder my best friend or kill a bunch of frat guys.
I know, I know, comparing myself to this group isn't exactly setting the moral bar all that high, but still.
So apparently I was created by a wish and a vengeance demon. My real parents are Willow and Rijobar, or whatever his name was. That's... okay, wow, Willow and Rijobar, I just went to a really scary visual place. Gross. GROSS.
I can't deal with this. And I don't mean the mental image. Though, that too, now that I think of it again. God, eww.
Everyone was talking softly in the living room and shooting me weird glances. It was too much. I shook off Xander's arm. "I... need to be alone for a bit," I said, and went upstairs to my room. No one followed me.
I sat on my bed and began what was going to be a really good run of staring into space. I was getting into the eyes-glazing-over stage when Buffy appeared in the doorway.
"Dawn," she said.
"Oh, it's you," I replied disdainfully. I don't know why I was being all bratty. Habit, I guess. "Come to talk about wiping me out of existence?"
"Dawn, you know I'd never do that. You're my sister. I love you. But everyone else... well, I'm afraid they might."
"Yeah?" I said. "Well, maybe they should."
"Don't say that."
"Why not? It's true."
"Dawn, it is not. You're important and valuable, and I won't let them get rid of you. But I think you should come downstairs and make sure they don't do anything stupid, okay?"
"How am I important? I don't do anything. I'm not even real. And it's not like Pinocchio, you know, it's not like if I do enough good deeds I'll turn into a real girl. No matter how much you all pretend that I was around for stuff, I'll still never have actually known Angel or Cordelia or Oz or anybody. It's all a lie. Maybe you should just get rid of me – it's not like it'd be a big loss."
"But it would, Dawnie. It would be a huge loss, to all of us. And you are real – you're real because you're in my heart. And I won't give that up, even if things are worse here. It's worth it for you. Everyone else is just a big jerk, and I won't listen to Xander or anybody when they say we should break the spell. You know, you really better get down there and talk them out of it."
I almost believed her. All that stuff about her loving me and me being in her heart. But when she said that Xander wanted to get rid of me... well, I knew. I mean, I'm not stupid.
I stuck my hand through her shoulder.
"Oh, it's you," I said again, this time flatly. My insides felt like they had all deflated in on each other. The First's Buffy-face tightened. "You really should work on your spiel," I said. "That was pretty cheesy. And not all that accurate."
"But it's all true, Dawnie," it said, smiling menacingly. "All of them, down there? They're talking about how they're going to smash that yo-yo and make it so no one ever remembers there was a Dawn. Sucks to be you, huh?"
"No, they're not," I said automatically. And then I realized that I was actually completely right. Because they wouldn't do that, ever. They'd keep a reality where everything sucks, where the world would probably be destroyed by the First, just because there was no way they'd ever get rid of me. Because they love me, and because they're the good guys.
"No, they really are," said FirstBuffy. "You better go down there and stop them." I stared at it, a little confused. Oh. OH.
"You're worried!" I said to it. "If we break that thing, you're gone. No power-play, no uber-vamps, no nothing, huh? It's your weak link!"
"No," it said, very unconvincingly.
"I can beat you!" I said gleefully. "Ha, ha, ha! And you're incorporeal, you can't stop me!"
"No, I'll stop you, I'll...." I started poking my hand through its face tauntingly. "That's very annoying," it said.
"You're just the First Loser!" I said, laughing, putting that L-shape up to my forehead. "Loser!" I put the L up to its forehead too. Heh.
"You suck," it said finally. It folded itself up into a ball of white light, and disappeared.
The whole situation was less funny when it was gone. Was I really going to do this? It was true that no one else would - it had to be me. And the First was probably sending Bringers at that very moment, so I had to act fast. Could I really completely obliterate myself, even any memory of myself? Just disappear, never have existed at all?
I remembered Buffy on the tower, looking down at the portal my blood was dripping into. Buffy, who was always prettier and cooler and the Chosen One and everything. Diving off the tower for me.
Well, here was something I could do as well as Buffy, anyway. She wasn't the only one who could die to save the world.
I could do this. For Buffy, for Willow, for Xander. Even for Giles, and Anya and stupid Andrew. Even for Spike. They love me. I love them.
I better do it fast before I change my mind.
Xander had left some tools in my room from when he fixed the wall – I grabbed a hammer and ran down the stairs, holding it behind my back. They'd stop me if they knew what I was going to do.
I slipped into the living room, where they were all still talking seriously. They didn't notice that I'd come back at first, so I slid around to the coffee table, where the yo-yo was lying unobtrusively. Xander saw me when I sat down next to it.
"Hey, Dawn, how're you holding up?" he asked.
"Okay," I said. I raised the hammer and looked around quickly. Everyone stared at me then, looking too startled to move. "I love you guys. You won't remember, but I do."
I brought the hammer down on the plastic, hard.
"Dawn, no!" yelled Buffy. But it was too late. There was a whoosh sound and the world dissolved in bright white.
********************
The Key hummed in its dimension, sparkling and glowing. It was happy to be a ball of green energy. It didn't know what else it could be.
by Annakovsky
Part 11/12
See part 1 for disclaimer, rating, etc.
*
*
*********************************************
Dawn: 9:45 am, Wednesday, February 19, 2003
*********************************************
*
*
So. I'm not only not real, I'm also the reason everything sucks. That... figures, actually.
This really shouldn't hit me that hard. I mean, I know I didn't exist before two years ago and that all my memories before that are fake. Those monks really did a good job with the memory thing, though. Like, for instance, I totally remember the day my dad told me he and Mom were getting divorced. He took me out for ice cream, and I got mint chocolate chip. We were sitting outside the ice cream place with our cones, which were all drippy because it was July, so I was really concentrating on licking all around the edges so it wouldn't dribble all over me when he said it. The part I remember the most was when he was like, "Sometimes, Pumpkin, we have to do things that hurt because it's for the good of everybody." Of course, I guess he really meant, sometimes we have to do things that hurt because we want to boff our secretary. But hey, that practically means the same thing, right?
I couldn't eat mint chocolate chip ice cream for two years after that without feeling sick to my stomach, and it was my favorite. Except it totally wasn't, because none of that ever happened. See how this screws you up? I mean, sometimes I still really miss my dad. But I've never actually met him.
They don't even make therapists for that kind of problem.
And now I've got an extra crazy problem, because it's my existence that has almost made the world end three times and made everyone else's life hell. I guess it really is my fault that Buffy doesn't seem to like me very much. When I said that to Xander he was all shocked and was like, "No, no Dawnie! Buffy loves you! She's just really distracted and has had a hard couple of years, that's all." But the hard couple of years are my fault, so... yeah. I mean, I know that Buffy loves me, I guess. It's just that in between those huge heroic/sacrificial giving-her-life-to-save-me moments - well, it doesn't seem like she does.
But it's funny how I'm the one who's the cause of all this, and I'm practically the only one who hasn't done anything terrible, you know? I mean, shoplifting is so kid's stuff compared to the murder and mayhem the rest of them have done. It's not like I was the one who decided to raise Buffy from the dead, or raised a Satanic temple and tried to destroy the world. Willow and raising - never a good thing. And hey, I didn't try to rape anybody, or murder my best friend or kill a bunch of frat guys.
I know, I know, comparing myself to this group isn't exactly setting the moral bar all that high, but still.
So apparently I was created by a wish and a vengeance demon. My real parents are Willow and Rijobar, or whatever his name was. That's... okay, wow, Willow and Rijobar, I just went to a really scary visual place. Gross. GROSS.
I can't deal with this. And I don't mean the mental image. Though, that too, now that I think of it again. God, eww.
Everyone was talking softly in the living room and shooting me weird glances. It was too much. I shook off Xander's arm. "I... need to be alone for a bit," I said, and went upstairs to my room. No one followed me.
I sat on my bed and began what was going to be a really good run of staring into space. I was getting into the eyes-glazing-over stage when Buffy appeared in the doorway.
"Dawn," she said.
"Oh, it's you," I replied disdainfully. I don't know why I was being all bratty. Habit, I guess. "Come to talk about wiping me out of existence?"
"Dawn, you know I'd never do that. You're my sister. I love you. But everyone else... well, I'm afraid they might."
"Yeah?" I said. "Well, maybe they should."
"Don't say that."
"Why not? It's true."
"Dawn, it is not. You're important and valuable, and I won't let them get rid of you. But I think you should come downstairs and make sure they don't do anything stupid, okay?"
"How am I important? I don't do anything. I'm not even real. And it's not like Pinocchio, you know, it's not like if I do enough good deeds I'll turn into a real girl. No matter how much you all pretend that I was around for stuff, I'll still never have actually known Angel or Cordelia or Oz or anybody. It's all a lie. Maybe you should just get rid of me – it's not like it'd be a big loss."
"But it would, Dawnie. It would be a huge loss, to all of us. And you are real – you're real because you're in my heart. And I won't give that up, even if things are worse here. It's worth it for you. Everyone else is just a big jerk, and I won't listen to Xander or anybody when they say we should break the spell. You know, you really better get down there and talk them out of it."
I almost believed her. All that stuff about her loving me and me being in her heart. But when she said that Xander wanted to get rid of me... well, I knew. I mean, I'm not stupid.
I stuck my hand through her shoulder.
"Oh, it's you," I said again, this time flatly. My insides felt like they had all deflated in on each other. The First's Buffy-face tightened. "You really should work on your spiel," I said. "That was pretty cheesy. And not all that accurate."
"But it's all true, Dawnie," it said, smiling menacingly. "All of them, down there? They're talking about how they're going to smash that yo-yo and make it so no one ever remembers there was a Dawn. Sucks to be you, huh?"
"No, they're not," I said automatically. And then I realized that I was actually completely right. Because they wouldn't do that, ever. They'd keep a reality where everything sucks, where the world would probably be destroyed by the First, just because there was no way they'd ever get rid of me. Because they love me, and because they're the good guys.
"No, they really are," said FirstBuffy. "You better go down there and stop them." I stared at it, a little confused. Oh. OH.
"You're worried!" I said to it. "If we break that thing, you're gone. No power-play, no uber-vamps, no nothing, huh? It's your weak link!"
"No," it said, very unconvincingly.
"I can beat you!" I said gleefully. "Ha, ha, ha! And you're incorporeal, you can't stop me!"
"No, I'll stop you, I'll...." I started poking my hand through its face tauntingly. "That's very annoying," it said.
"You're just the First Loser!" I said, laughing, putting that L-shape up to my forehead. "Loser!" I put the L up to its forehead too. Heh.
"You suck," it said finally. It folded itself up into a ball of white light, and disappeared.
The whole situation was less funny when it was gone. Was I really going to do this? It was true that no one else would - it had to be me. And the First was probably sending Bringers at that very moment, so I had to act fast. Could I really completely obliterate myself, even any memory of myself? Just disappear, never have existed at all?
I remembered Buffy on the tower, looking down at the portal my blood was dripping into. Buffy, who was always prettier and cooler and the Chosen One and everything. Diving off the tower for me.
Well, here was something I could do as well as Buffy, anyway. She wasn't the only one who could die to save the world.
I could do this. For Buffy, for Willow, for Xander. Even for Giles, and Anya and stupid Andrew. Even for Spike. They love me. I love them.
I better do it fast before I change my mind.
Xander had left some tools in my room from when he fixed the wall – I grabbed a hammer and ran down the stairs, holding it behind my back. They'd stop me if they knew what I was going to do.
I slipped into the living room, where they were all still talking seriously. They didn't notice that I'd come back at first, so I slid around to the coffee table, where the yo-yo was lying unobtrusively. Xander saw me when I sat down next to it.
"Hey, Dawn, how're you holding up?" he asked.
"Okay," I said. I raised the hammer and looked around quickly. Everyone stared at me then, looking too startled to move. "I love you guys. You won't remember, but I do."
I brought the hammer down on the plastic, hard.
"Dawn, no!" yelled Buffy. But it was too late. There was a whoosh sound and the world dissolved in bright white.
********************
The Key hummed in its dimension, sparkling and glowing. It was happy to be a ball of green energy. It didn't know what else it could be.