In the abyss, she woke up again. The loneliness was unnerving. Tsukushi could feel the weight of it all on her shoulders. She looked at the bullet wounds. She still couldn't feel her arm.
She sat there humming to herself. She started to sing a song. It wasn't anything she had written before, but it was something she had made up.
"Barely breathing...waiting for the sun to come again..." she sang softly. "Feeling deserted...feeling alone."
Tsukushi's heartbeat was steady as well as her breathing. The beeps of the machines became a reassuring sound. Susumu sat by and watched the drops from the IV. He patiently read out the books that were in Tsukushi's library. He had moved into her flat for the time being because it was closer to the hospital.
The press had been kept a bay with a combined effort from Gaia Records, the Hanazawa Corporation, and the Doumyouji Corporation. The news had been announced and it was the only thing that Tokyo could talk about. Sammi and Yuki had to go to work for damage control. Yuki had been promoted to Sammi's personal assistant, but she didn't celebrate her promotion.
Susumu had missed so much school that he had no choice, but to drop out. Although, Kin-san tried to talk him out of it, but Susumu didn't want to return to Eirin. Charlie Collins had to place a call to his parents and so, Mr. and Dr. Collins were on their way to Japan.
There was one thing in all of this that bothered Susumu. He noticed that Tsukasa had kept his distance. He never visited Tsukushi. He would ask after her, but he would only nod in acknowledgment. Susumu wondered what was going on inside the mind of Doumyouji Tsukasa.
Susumu decided not to question it any further. He knew how Tsukasa felt about Tsukushi. There was no point in questioning him. They had reach a level of understanding. For right now, there was no point in questioning each other's motives. Susumu had to begrudgingly admit to himself that he was more like Doumyouji Tsukasa than he wished to be.
Rui came to the hospital often. It was odd for Susumu. He was talking and getting to know more people from his sister's life. It was as if he had never known her. He found that she had a lot of different parts to her. He wonder if he was just as multi-faced as her.
He placed his hand over hers. "You always take your time with things. And once you've made up your mind on something, you don't change it. Whatever you decide to do, I'll accept it. I believe in you, Aneue," he whispered softly.
"You didn't take the decision out of her hands," said Tsukasa as he stood at the doorway.
Susumu sat up. "I understand now. I understand why she did what she did. I lost touch with her before. In more ways than one. We all did," he whispered.
"The ones we love are never out of our reach," said Tsukasa.
"I didn't expect such wisdom from you, Doumyouji-san," said Susumu. "You lost someone before, didn't you?"
Tsukasa gave a brief nod. "There was nothing I could. All I could was be there for her. I was there until the day she died. I was there so she wouldn't be alone. I think that Tsukushi is alone, even though we are here. She felt alone in a world where everyone wanted to be with her."
"Nothing is ever what it seems," said Susumu. "You aren't what you seem either, Doumyouji-san." He stood up. "I need to get something to eat. I haven't eaten all day."
Tsukasa nodded. It was around three in the afternoon. "Do you mind just staying here for a bit? I won't take long."
"No, I wouldn't mind," whispered Tsukasa. He waited for Susumu to leave before taking a seat next to Tsukush's bed. He reached out and touched her skin. It was cold. The only signs of life were the sounds that the machines were making. He sat back in his chair and quietly waited.
"Tsukushi-chan!" called her mother's voice.
Tsukushi shook her head, fearing that place that was unreal again. She shook her head and clamped her hands over her ears. She would do anything to stop the sound of the voices. The guilt tore at her core, ripping into her. The wounds on her body were opening and bleeding.
"Tsukushi-chan. Listen to me," said her mother sternly. "I know that you are afraid. How can you be afraid of the sound of my voice? You haven't been before."
"You always told me what to do. What to do for you!" spat Tsukushi angrily. "Why couldn't you just be parents and take care of me like you were supposed to? Why was I always the one who had to be responsible and practical?! Why?!"
"We love you. We have always love you. It was your choice. You were the one who wanted to struggle. We wanted you to marry someone who would take care of you," said her mother sadly.
"I don't need anyone. I don't need anyone to take care of me," muttered Tsukushi angrily.
"That was always a problem with you. With both of us. We never had faith in the ones we love," said her mother. "It is not too late for you. It's time for you to wake up."
"I don't know how," whispered Tsukushi. "I don't know how long I've been here."
"It's simple just open your eyes," whispered her mother.
Tsukasa stood up in alarm as the sound of the machines started go faster. He stood up and hovered over Tsukushi. She started to thrashing around. Her eyes were wide open. She was struggling because of all the tubes, needles, and the oxygen mask.
Tsukasa was surprised to see her awake. It seemed like something out of a dream. With shaking hands, he gently took off the oxygen mask. "It's all right. You're in the hospital. You're safe. It's over," whispered Tsukasa reassuringly as he gently rubbed her back.
Tsukushi didn't know what came over her. She started to cry and shake. "H-he killed my parents," she sobbed. "That bastard murdered my parents."
She couldn't speak any longer. She started to cry harder. It was harder than the day that she had cried in front of Rui. Tsukasa had never seen her this vulnerable. He had never seen her cry before like this. "It hurts all over," she admitted. "It hurts all over."
Tsukasa wanted to hold Tsukushi tightly and comfort her, but he was afraid of reopening the wounds on her body. He rubbed her back as she sat up, pressing her face against his chest. In all this, neither of them heard the sound of the staff coming in.
They were murmuring about and wanting to check Tsukushi's vitals, but they backed off a bit because she was using Tsukasa as support.
"Aneue, you're awake," said Susumu quietly. Tsukasa looked at him, but didn't pull away from Tsukushi. Tsukasa gently set her back on the pillows so that the staff could check her vitals. He and Susumu watched as they took her vitals.
When they were done, the doctor said that they had to do some more tests and move Tsukushi to another room. Tsukushi was tired. The nurses took out the needles along with the other monitors. Tsukasa waited until she was settled again before calling Rui.
Rui was just unable to hide his joy in his voice. He agreed to call up everyone else for Tsukasa. Tsukasa kept his distance from the older sister and younger brother, knowing that they needed some time together. He waited patiently for the others elsewhere.
"How are you feeling, Aneue?" asked Susumu.
"I thought you weren't going to call me that anymore," whispered Tsukushi without looking at him. "I thought you were too old to call me that."
Susumu hung his head slightly. "We still have a lot of things to fix, don't we, Aneue?"
"Yes, but there is time. As for your question, I feel oddly light. I feel cold and warm at the same time. And my body hurts like hell," she whispered.
"I should have gotten there sooner," said Susumu.
"It couldn't be helped. He said the next person who went through that door would be dead," said Tsukushi. "When did you get back to the apartment?"
Susumu looked up at her. She noticed how pale he looked along with how much older he seemed. "Never mind," she whispered as she reached out with her left hand to touch his cheek. "It's all right. I keep forgetting."
"What?"
"I keep forgetting that you aren't my baby brother anymore. You are now a man. You aren't a child. I keep forgetting. My first instinct is to always protect you. I remember when you were born. Mama told me to. So, ever since then I did what I had to do to keep you safe. I never wanted you to struggle like I had to. I never wanted you to have to work so hard just for something as simple as going to school and being with your friends. I never stopped to ask you what you wanted. All this time, I should have realized it."
"It's not your fault. It's no one's fault. You couldn't have been able to tell. I acted like a child when it came to Papa," admitted Susumu. "I understand now."
Tsukushi didn't say anything. "I'm tired."
"Then, sleep. We'll be here when you wake up," said Susumu.
Tsukushi closed her eyes again, but this time she felt warm and safe.
*
The next few days were filled with activity along with warm wishes. Fans sent flowers by the dozens to the studio. Tsukushi was getting lots of get well cards along with phone calls from very important people all over the world. However, she took it in quietly and talked things over with Susumu, coming to a decision. He didn't know exactly what she had decided, but they discussed the options.
The doctors did their evaluation. The damage done was going to take many months of recovery, but quiet possible years before Tsukushi would be able to be fully healed again. She kept these evaluations to herself, except for Susumu. He was trusted to help with her recovery. She told him that she would eventually tell everyone what had happened to her.
"The press is eager for you to talk, but you don't have to," said Sammi quietly. Mr. and Dr. Collins were present. Everyone found them to be very friendly and loving people. It was no wonder that Tsukushi felt welcomed in their presence.
"Sammi is right, Tsukushi, dear. There's no point in over straining yourself," said Dr. Collins quietly. "You've been through a lot."
"Thank you, Patricia, for your concern. I think I know what I can handle," said Tsukushi. "Besides, with everyone here, I don't think I will fall."
"She's too stubborn to listen to reason. That means she's full on her way to recovery," said Mr. Collins with a fond smile.
"Thank you, Eric," said Tsukushi. She used the first names of the Collins because they were sort of like her parents, but they really weren't. They had been very friendly towards Susumu who had been less than receptive to their kindness, but they knew it wasn't anything personal.
"I don't know about this," said Akira nervously.
"She's not going to listen you. She never did," said Soujirou.
"Too bad Tsukasa had to be at work," said Akira.
"He's head of the Doumyouji Corporation. He has many responsibilities," said Rui. They had come as support for Tsukushi. Susumu lingered nearby, but didn't say much.
Tsukushi broke the silence that had settled in. She was look at her right arm. She had spent time talking to the doctors without telling anyone else yet. She could barely flex her fingers. "I can't move my right arm and hand," she admitted in a quiet voice.
Everyone looked at her. Some betrayed looks of alarm, others were quick to turn away because they didn't know what to say. Yuki spoke up with a reassuring and certain voice, "It will take some time, but you should be able to work on it."
"The doctors said that they were was some nerve damage," said Tsukushi. "How am I supposed to play my guitar? How am I supposed to write?"
For an artist, the loss was incomprehensible. She looked like she was shaking a bit as she looked down. "You don't have to go at the pace that everyone expects you to go at," said Rui quietly. "Just go at the pace that you want to go at. Everything falls into place given enough time."
Tsukushi looked at him. She pulled her right arm up to her chest with the help of her left arm. Her abdomen still hurt. The pain at times was unbearable, but she suffered in silence. "Let's get going. It's time for the press conference."
"Are you sure you want to do this?" asked Sammi again.
"Yes," replied Tsukushi as she stood up slowly. She wasn't supposed to be standing or moving that much, but she was able to move to the wheelchair on her own. "I want to stand during the press conference."
"I don't think that's a good idea. The doctors said not to stress yourself too much," said Dr. Collins very quickly.
"It's all right. My mother used to say that if you can't stand on your on two feet then you might as well not stand at all," whispered Tsukushi with a smile.
The Collins gave a nod. Sammi wheeled Tsukushi out to the where the press was. Tsukushi stood up and used the podium as support.
"First off, I would like to thank all the fans who have sent their well wishes at a speedy recovery. The truth is as much a I love my career and all my fans very much, I have decided to take time off away from the entertainment industry. I have to make time to recover before I can come back. The concert that I failed to perform in will be eventually made up. However, I have decided to take an indefinite hiatus to focus on a full recovery. The album which was due for release sometime next year has also been pushed back. I give my apologies and I would ask for the public's patience."
Tsukushi paused for a moment as the cameras started to flash. "If there are any questions, I will address them now. It will be a while before I will give another interview again."
Several of the reporters started to raise their hands and call out to her. She pointed at one of them. "Yes, you."
"Ringo-san, what do you plan on during during you hiatus?"
"I plan on concentrating my efforts into getting better. Yes, you." She nodded at another reporter.
"Are you afraid of losing sales or losing ground in the Asian markets?"
"It is a risk that I am willing to take. And judging by the cards and the flowers from my fans in Japan, it is not going to be a problem." She pointed at another reporter.
"This is a question about your stalker--"
Tsukushi interrupted the reporter, "I will not answer any questions about that at this time. No comment."
This caused a stir among the reporters. "But, the public wants to know your story, Ringo-san."
"Then, they will have to wait until I am strong enough to address it. This press conference is over." Tsukushi had to stop because her strength was waning. It was time to rest again.
The reporters were not happy with her answers, but Sammi told them all to stop. It was time for Tsukushi to return to her room.
*
In the next few days, Tsukushi moved back to her flat. There were small parties to celebrate her recovery. Sakurako and Shiguru were the ones who had planned them. They were very happy to see their old friend again. Sakurako was quick to comment on how much pretty Tsukushi had become.
Tsukushi attended, but left early for most of them. To her surprise, on her last day, she was invited along with Susumu to go to the Doumyouji Mansion by Tsubaki. Susumu didn't reject the idea nor did he support it. He said he was just going to tag along anyway.
Kaede was dead set against having the Makino family come over, but her husband told her to be quiet. Tsubaki watched with amusement as her father put her mother in her place. It was a sight that she had never seen before in her whole life. She was looking forward to seeing Tsukushi, but was a little apprehensive about meeting Susumu again.
"Tsukushi-chan, it's good to see you," said Tsubaki as she took her hands into hers. She wanted to embrace her, but she was afraid of reopening the wounds on Tsukushi's body.
"It's good to see you, Oneesan," said Tsukushi quietly. "You remember my brother, Susumu, right?"
"Yes, welcome. Is this your first time to visit?" asked Tsubaki.
"No. It's not, but it will be the first time he'll see the inside of the mansion," said Tsukasa as he emerged from behind Tsubaki.
"I thought you were at the office," said Tsubaki.
"Otousan said to take the day off. I argued for half the day. I was there in the morning," said Tsukasa. "Aren't you two coming in?"
Tsukushi and Susumu nodded and entered the house. The servants were quick to take their coats. "Our mother is with our father. He said that it was best that they spent some time together," said Tsubaki.
Tsukushi merely nodded at that comment. She was moving stiffly. The past few weeks had been very difficult for her. At first, Susumu thought of talking Tsukushi out of coming to the Doumyouji Mansion out of concern for her injuries, but he decided against it. Tsukushi had already decided to go, and Susumu felt as if he was indebted to Tsukasa, even though Tsukasa didn't say anything about it.
"I forgot how beautiful your house was," whispered Tsukushi. "The last time I was here I didn't really appreciate it. I was underneath a lot of stress."
"Reiko and Aki are around here somewhere. Reiko would probably want to see you again, but I wanted to keep you to myself for a bit," admitted Tsubaki.
Tsubaki took it upon herself to fill the awkward air. Susumu and Tsukasa didn't talk much, but they did look at each other from time to time. They now had a truce. It was more like an agreement not to fight each other anymore. Tsukushi was slow in her responses due to the dull aching pain she was in. She was moving slowly, so everyone had to adjust to her pace.
Tsukasa fought the urge to pick her up gently and carry her the rest of the way. Two things prevented him from doing so: her dignity and the fact that the wounds could be reopened easily. Tsukasa was painfully reminded of the stab wound that he had received that had separated them earlier because of his memory loss. Part of him was grateful for the fact that Tsukushi's memories were intact, but another part of him wished that she could have forgotten the pain she was in.
The physical pain was something that was easy to work through, but the emotional pain was harder. Tsukushi felt like she had been exposed like a gutted fish to the world. Everyone could see how human she was, but at the same time they could see all the weaknesses she had all along. It was like demystifying a goddess.
She didn't speak of it often, but it was in the air that lingered about her. The loss of her parents was also heavy on her heart along with the loss of her brother's innocence. Even though Tsukushi gave no indications of knowing anything, she still unconsciously knew what her brother had done. Tsukushi didn't think his soul was worth her life.
The events had also aged Tsukushi. She looked more ethereal than before. It seemed as if for the first time in a long time she felt at peace with herself. She was slowly accepting herself.
The rest of the visit went by quietly as Tsubaki and Tsukushi talked, while Susumu and Tsukasa barely said a word to each other. Every once in a while, Tsukasa said something, but it wasn't too often.
At the end of the visit, Tsubaki went to go and check up on her husband and child, while Susumu went to the car first. "I'll just wait for you over there," he told his sister quietly, knowing that she wanted some time to talk to Tsukasa.
"So, you're going to Osaka," said Tsukasa quietly.
"Yes. Susumu and I talked about it, but that's what I decided to do. I think we have to rebuild what we have left. Susumu is the only family I have left. All we have each other."
"You have me."
Tsukushi touched his face with her left hand. She had told Tsukasa when he went to visit her just before she had been discharged from the hospital. He was the only one who knew how much pain she felt from sudden inability to play an instrument that had become second nature to her.
"So I do."
"You will always have me. You will always have everything that is mine."
Tsukasa pressed his hand against hers. "This is something that we have to do. The Makino family has been many things, but above all we have always been survivors. This is something I need to do."
"I understand." He pressed his forehead against hers. "When will you come back?"
"I don't know. We're leaving tonight. I'll call you from Osaka when I get there. And I'll see about inviting you to the inn before I return to Tokyo."
"Take you time. I'll always be here. How long?"
Tsukushi pressed her lips against Tsukasa's in a very brief kiss. "What does your heart tell you?" she asked him.
It was the same question she had asked Rui before. Tsukasa smiled at her. "I'll see you before the year is out," he said quietly.
"Until till then," said Tsukushi with a smile as she turned and left.
AN: This is a wonderful story. This might also make the record for the longest Hana Yori Dango story. It's well over a 100,000 words, almost 200,000. This story also took months to write. ^_^ Everyone has been so kind to me. I didn't expect this story to take off as long or as far as it has.
The last part will be the epilogue. So, this isn't goodbye yet. This chapter was a lot easier to write then the last one. That was a nightmare waiting to happen. Anyway, I think the epilogue should end everything to everyone's satisfaction. Or at the very least mine.
Disclaimer: I don't own Hana Yori Dango.