Somehow, opening up his apartment to the potentials has only made it feel even more empty to Xander. When the bedroom is lit only by the streetlights outside, which show vague outlines of the furniture, he listens to their hushed chatter and feels the weight of the empty space beside him. It pulls him down into the very middle of the bed, and it's so hard to sleep when he can't feel anything by his side. Some days he wakes up to find himself hugging one of the pillows, squeezing it so hard it's squidged into a kind of hour-glass shape, and the cotton is yielding but entirely devoid of warmth.
They have each other, he realises. They're all absolutely terrified, but they're terrified together, and their combined presence provides a distraction from the madness of their own thoughts.
Xander doesn't have that. He's beginning to realise that maybe he's the only one who doesn't. Buffy has Willow, and also Spike which is still disturbing but seems to work for her. Willow also has Kennedy, and so hasn't been seeking him out so much lately. Dawn has big sis and Willow, and Amanda too, and he's noticed a sort of silent camaraderie between Giles and Principal Wood which apparently is all the comfort they need. Anya has - well, he hasn't seen Anya since… since the basement, so he has no idea what she's doing to get through all this.
Which leaves him and his empty room and the girls who seem to view him as chef, chauffeur and substitute Buffy.
Right now he's supposed to be collecting them from Buffy's to take back home, but he's having a difficult time identifying them from the horde of potentials scattered around the house. Rona's easy enough to recognise, because she's been around since there were only a handful and everyone knew everyone else's names, but now there are so many that they're all just one huge collective.
It doesn't help that Buffy isn't around. Whatever it is that's made her so quiet the past couple of days, she evidently hasn't deemed it necessary to share it with Xander. He can't decide if that's a bad thing or not. Since his discovery of her whatever-it-was with Spike, she doesn't seem to be opening up much to him, and even though he knows that's partly his own fault, it still stings. Then again, she's been so on edge lately, especially over the past two days, that it's easier to stay out of her way and let her deal on her own. It's like all the pressure has turned her to coal, hard and brittle and cold, and while he knows this isn't the time for hugs and smiles, sometimes it makes him ache to think he might be losing a friend like this.
He finds Dawn in the kitchen, chatting with Amanda and two other girls while they work their way through a pile of sandwiches. She smiles when she sees him and the rest of them look round to see who's walked in, but don't stop their conversation. He's not sure whether to interrupt and ask where his three houseguests are, because he has a feeling that one of them is talking to Dawn and he doesn't want to seem rude. Fortunately before he can speak, Buffy appears in the doorway, followed by Andrew. He breaks into a wide smile at the sight of Xander, and Xander feels that same itch under his skin when he thinks of how Andrew apparently feels about him. He's decided that sitting with his arms around Andrew while the guy sobbed mercilessly after closing the seal probably didn't help. But his discomfort is always outweighed by the twinge he feels at the thought of letting Andrew go ignored and… well, abused is the most appropriate word he can think of, even though it's an ugly one and he would never admit out loud that it's his own friends who are responsible for some of that abuse.
Thing is, he almost feels like he's a disappointment to Andrew, because he can't give the guy what he wants. Xander knows he ought to be deterred by the fact that it's another man looking at him like that, and at the very least he ought to be trying to distance himself from Andrew in the hope that eventually he'll get the message, but somehow he just can't tear himself away. There's that sense of hesitant kinship, of being around someone with similar knowledge and experiences. Xander thinks that maybe, if it weren't for Andrew's being formerly evil and for this pesky apocalypse, the two of them could actually have been friends. He suspects that somewhere there might just be another universe where the Trio gained a fourth…
Plus, whenever he thinks that maybe he's letting Andrew get too close, he remembers that emptiness and decides that looking after Andrew is better than nothing at all.
As Andrew enters the kitchen, Xander catches the look of dismay on his face at the sight of the pile of used plates and glasses left by the sink, and he tries to remember the last time he saw Buffy or Willow washing dishes. He shrugs it off, rationalising that they have better things to do, and announces to Buffy that he's here to take the three potentials back to his house.
He's cut off by a peeved "hey!" from behind him, and he turns to see Andrew standing by the fridge.
"What is it?" Buffy asks, that familiar tired edge creeping into her voice.
Xander can see the effort to calm down on Andrew's face, and he speaks in a voice full of controlled annoyance.
"There's nothing left for dinner," Andrew tells her, folding his arms and shifting his weight on to one foot, a movement which sets off alarm bells in Xander's head. He pleads silently for Andrew to be sensible and to not whine to Buffy about something so trivial as food, but for once Andrew's not looking at him. "They ate everything."
"We need to keep our strength up," one of the girls snaps back, just before Buffy replies with, "we already had dinner."
He realises Andrew's about to argue back, and knows that Buffy just isn't going to let him off easy this time, so Xander decides he needs to step in before this gets out of control.
"You can have dinner at my place, Andrew," he announces. "I haven't eaten yet either." He has to look away from the smile Andrew gives in response, painfully aware that inviting Andrew over for dinner is hardly the best way to let him down gently.
As Andrew rushes off to fetch his jacket, Xander turns back to Buffy to ask again about Rona and the other two girls, but stops when he sees the look on her face.
"What are you doing?" she asks, annoyed and confused.
He thinks for a second, then answers, "taking him out of your way. One less thing for you to worry about tonight." He wants to ask what it is that's kept her so tense lately, but she doesn't look like she's in the mood to share.
"You're coddling him." She folds her arms, much like Andrew himself did just a moment ago, but on her it looks deadly. "And you're undermining my authority."
That one's a surprise, and Xander wonders if she realises just how much she's starting to look and sound like Giles. He lowers his voice, because he knows the worst possible thing he can do right now is argue with Buffy in front of the girls. Behind her, they are trying their best to look uninterested in the conversation.
"I'm trying to make sure he doesn't get trampled on," Xander insists, suddenly wishing Willow hadn't taken off. She'd stick up for him. "Everyone in this house has someone looking out for them except him. You've said it yourself, there are lines we can't cross. He's, he's got… Dammit Buffy, he's got bruises…" He sighs in frustration when he sees she doesn't appear to comprehend. "Look, he can be at my place annoying me, or here annoying you. Which would you prefer?"
Her face softens, whether from his offer or his distress he can't tell.
"Okay," she sighs, then offers him a lop-sided smile. "Thank you."
*****
They have each other, he realises. They're all absolutely terrified, but they're terrified together, and their combined presence provides a distraction from the madness of their own thoughts.
Xander doesn't have that. He's beginning to realise that maybe he's the only one who doesn't. Buffy has Willow, and also Spike which is still disturbing but seems to work for her. Willow also has Kennedy, and so hasn't been seeking him out so much lately. Dawn has big sis and Willow, and Amanda too, and he's noticed a sort of silent camaraderie between Giles and Principal Wood which apparently is all the comfort they need. Anya has - well, he hasn't seen Anya since… since the basement, so he has no idea what she's doing to get through all this.
Which leaves him and his empty room and the girls who seem to view him as chef, chauffeur and substitute Buffy.
Right now he's supposed to be collecting them from Buffy's to take back home, but he's having a difficult time identifying them from the horde of potentials scattered around the house. Rona's easy enough to recognise, because she's been around since there were only a handful and everyone knew everyone else's names, but now there are so many that they're all just one huge collective.
It doesn't help that Buffy isn't around. Whatever it is that's made her so quiet the past couple of days, she evidently hasn't deemed it necessary to share it with Xander. He can't decide if that's a bad thing or not. Since his discovery of her whatever-it-was with Spike, she doesn't seem to be opening up much to him, and even though he knows that's partly his own fault, it still stings. Then again, she's been so on edge lately, especially over the past two days, that it's easier to stay out of her way and let her deal on her own. It's like all the pressure has turned her to coal, hard and brittle and cold, and while he knows this isn't the time for hugs and smiles, sometimes it makes him ache to think he might be losing a friend like this.
He finds Dawn in the kitchen, chatting with Amanda and two other girls while they work their way through a pile of sandwiches. She smiles when she sees him and the rest of them look round to see who's walked in, but don't stop their conversation. He's not sure whether to interrupt and ask where his three houseguests are, because he has a feeling that one of them is talking to Dawn and he doesn't want to seem rude. Fortunately before he can speak, Buffy appears in the doorway, followed by Andrew. He breaks into a wide smile at the sight of Xander, and Xander feels that same itch under his skin when he thinks of how Andrew apparently feels about him. He's decided that sitting with his arms around Andrew while the guy sobbed mercilessly after closing the seal probably didn't help. But his discomfort is always outweighed by the twinge he feels at the thought of letting Andrew go ignored and… well, abused is the most appropriate word he can think of, even though it's an ugly one and he would never admit out loud that it's his own friends who are responsible for some of that abuse.
Thing is, he almost feels like he's a disappointment to Andrew, because he can't give the guy what he wants. Xander knows he ought to be deterred by the fact that it's another man looking at him like that, and at the very least he ought to be trying to distance himself from Andrew in the hope that eventually he'll get the message, but somehow he just can't tear himself away. There's that sense of hesitant kinship, of being around someone with similar knowledge and experiences. Xander thinks that maybe, if it weren't for Andrew's being formerly evil and for this pesky apocalypse, the two of them could actually have been friends. He suspects that somewhere there might just be another universe where the Trio gained a fourth…
Plus, whenever he thinks that maybe he's letting Andrew get too close, he remembers that emptiness and decides that looking after Andrew is better than nothing at all.
As Andrew enters the kitchen, Xander catches the look of dismay on his face at the sight of the pile of used plates and glasses left by the sink, and he tries to remember the last time he saw Buffy or Willow washing dishes. He shrugs it off, rationalising that they have better things to do, and announces to Buffy that he's here to take the three potentials back to his house.
He's cut off by a peeved "hey!" from behind him, and he turns to see Andrew standing by the fridge.
"What is it?" Buffy asks, that familiar tired edge creeping into her voice.
Xander can see the effort to calm down on Andrew's face, and he speaks in a voice full of controlled annoyance.
"There's nothing left for dinner," Andrew tells her, folding his arms and shifting his weight on to one foot, a movement which sets off alarm bells in Xander's head. He pleads silently for Andrew to be sensible and to not whine to Buffy about something so trivial as food, but for once Andrew's not looking at him. "They ate everything."
"We need to keep our strength up," one of the girls snaps back, just before Buffy replies with, "we already had dinner."
He realises Andrew's about to argue back, and knows that Buffy just isn't going to let him off easy this time, so Xander decides he needs to step in before this gets out of control.
"You can have dinner at my place, Andrew," he announces. "I haven't eaten yet either." He has to look away from the smile Andrew gives in response, painfully aware that inviting Andrew over for dinner is hardly the best way to let him down gently.
As Andrew rushes off to fetch his jacket, Xander turns back to Buffy to ask again about Rona and the other two girls, but stops when he sees the look on her face.
"What are you doing?" she asks, annoyed and confused.
He thinks for a second, then answers, "taking him out of your way. One less thing for you to worry about tonight." He wants to ask what it is that's kept her so tense lately, but she doesn't look like she's in the mood to share.
"You're coddling him." She folds her arms, much like Andrew himself did just a moment ago, but on her it looks deadly. "And you're undermining my authority."
That one's a surprise, and Xander wonders if she realises just how much she's starting to look and sound like Giles. He lowers his voice, because he knows the worst possible thing he can do right now is argue with Buffy in front of the girls. Behind her, they are trying their best to look uninterested in the conversation.
"I'm trying to make sure he doesn't get trampled on," Xander insists, suddenly wishing Willow hadn't taken off. She'd stick up for him. "Everyone in this house has someone looking out for them except him. You've said it yourself, there are lines we can't cross. He's, he's got… Dammit Buffy, he's got bruises…" He sighs in frustration when he sees she doesn't appear to comprehend. "Look, he can be at my place annoying me, or here annoying you. Which would you prefer?"
Her face softens, whether from his offer or his distress he can't tell.
"Okay," she sighs, then offers him a lop-sided smile. "Thank you."
*****