Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks.
See my web site www.scribblemoose.co.uk for uncensored version if you like that kind of thing and it's legal for you.
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Chapter 4 – Lost and Found
Zell sat hunched on a bench in the quad, his misery complete. He had followed Rinoa from the Training Centre, once he'd worked out something coherent to say. He arrived just in time to have his heart well and truly broken.
It wasn't just the kiss that hurt; he'd resigned himself long ago to the fact that either Irvine or Squall would get Rinoa one day. It was the fact that Irvine had been right all along. All Rinoa had needed today was a bit of pampering, encouragement and confidence-boosting, while Zell had given her challenges she couldn't possibly be expected to meet, barked orders and his own stupid jealousy.
Zell was widely thought of as a good instructor, he knew. He was generally cheerful and had huge energy and enthusiasm for his students. His own skills were considerable, even if he didn't have Irvine's patience or Squall's dedication. Somehow he brought the best out of the cadet's in his charge, making more of them than they thought possible. Even Rinoa: he knew deep down that he'd helped her control the raw power that was her birthright, and had at the beginning threatened to overwhelm her. He'd given her the discipline of a martial artist and shown her how to make her magic work for her. He'd helped her overcome her fear that she was weaker and less able than her friends.
But today, of all days, he'd let her down: he'd been jealous and stupid and had put her in danger. And as if that wasn't enough, he'd actually driven her into Irvine's arms. Literally.
"Hey, Zell. Alright?"
Of all the people Zell least wanted to see at that moment, Squall was certainly in the top three.
"Hey Squall. Fine."
"Have you seen Rinoa? I wanted to wish her luck with her exams and everything."
"Oh, you missed her. She just went in."
"Oh. Fuck." Squall sat down next to his friend. "Looks like I messed up – for a change."
"You and me both," muttered Zell.
"What did you do?"
"You wouldn't believe." Zell realised that he was on shaky ground all of a sudden. Squall wouldn't be at all pleased to hear that Zell had suggested Riona take on a T-Rex with no magic or back up, and even less thrilled that she'd been snogging Irvine in the quad. Worse still, if he didn't tell Squall himself, eventually he was bound to find out about some or all of these disasters, and know that Zell hadn't told him.
"You can tell me, you know, if it would help."
Why did Squall choose today, of all days, to practice being a sociable human being?
"Oh man." Zell paused for a moment. Maybe someone would come and interrupt this conversation. Or there could be an earthquake. Anything. But nothing happened. "Squall, I've done something stupid."
"What, for a change?" teased Squall, but one glance at his friend showed he'd put his foot in it. Again. "Oh, sorry. What happened?"
"I was really hard on Rinoa at training this morning. I thought I'd push her a bit and… I went too far."
"Is she OK?" Squall fought to keep the panic out of his voice.
"She's fine. I'm just worried she might choke on her exam. You know."
"Oh. Well. Look, Zell, you're her instructor. She really thinks highly of you, you know. However much you pushed her I'm sure she can take it."
Zell paused; there was some truth in that. Rinoa had a fiery temper, but she didn't hold grudges. Maybe she'd forgive him. Except…
"I think she's kind of taken refuge in Irvine."
"Refuge?"
"Well, I, they…" Zell looked at Squall's anxious face and realised he couldn't be the one to tell him. Whatever the consequences, he just couldn't. "I don't know. Look, Squall, you know they're close. Don't you ever worry that they might get closer?"
"It's none of my business," said Squall quietly, his eyes fixed on a patch of paving between his feet.
"Squall, I don't understand why you do this. We all know how much you like Rinoa. It's been going on like this ever since Ultimecia. If you don't ask her out you'll lose her. Doesn't that bother you?"
Zell hadn't talked to Squall like this before, not least because he'd always harboured some hope that maybe, just maybe, he could win Rinoa for himself. Whether it was his recognition that she would never care for him in that way, or just his guilt for that morning's events, he suddenly felt it was very important to persuade Squall to take action.
"What makes you think she still likes me?" Squall's words sounded hollow, even to him.
"Oh man, you're hopeless. She can't take her eyes off you. She's always wanting to be with you, she worries about you all the time. She's the most beautiful woman in the whole of Garden and yet she's been single since… Seifer."
Squall winced. That wasn't a name he liked to hear.
"She likes Irvine, though. You said so yourself."
"I said she might take refuge in him. That's different."
"He could… take care of her much better than me." Squall sighed. "He's much better at that kind of thing."
And how, thought Zell. He didn't have any answers to that. Maybe Irvine could make Rinoa happy. He certainly had this morning.
"You should talk to her, Squall. That's all."
Squall didn't answer. He tried to fight the pain he was feeling at the thought of Rinoa with anyone else. He had no right to feel that pain; he had no claim over her, he should set her free. Only…
"I'd better get back to the Training Centre," Zell was saying, "I've got a class due soon. I'll see you later, man."
Squall nodded.
He sat there for a long time after Zell had gone, trying to work out what he should do. He knew how much he loved Rinoa; he had always loved her. He was just afraid, afraid of rejection, of losing her, or losing his friends, of losing himself. Damn. He shook his head, trying to think straight. He thought too much, that's what people always told him. Maybe that was the problem: he should stop thinking and just do stuff on impulse, like Zell, or Selphie. But that wasn't his nature, he had too much responsibility on his shoulders to take risks. Even so, when it was Garden, SeeD stuff, he could make decisions, really difficult decisions, life-or-death decisions, even, without any problem. So how come whenever he tried to imagine being with Rinoa, telling her how much he felt for her, a fog descended and he just ended up confused? And with a headache.
He was jolted out of his deep thoughts by the lunchtime buzzer. Time to go and make sure all was well, check in with Quistis, and report back on yesterday's mission to Xu. He wasn't looking forward to that much, either.
He still hadn't remembered how he'd collected those damn crystals.
* * * * * * *
Irvine had carefully dismantled his gun and was cleaning each part with a cloth and putting it away in it's padded case. He often found it therapeutic, a comfortingly familiar routine. Strange, really, to find comfort in something that he'd killed with so often.
His head was still reeling from kissing Rinoa, partly because it had set every fibre of his being alight with lust, and partly because it was so completely unexpected, but mostly because he felt hollow and guilty and hated himself. He didn't know how to resolve this potent combination of emotions, and just felt dizzy and confused.
He opened a drawer to get out a long brush to clean the barrel of his gun. He spotted a chain tucked away at the back: a bracelet of Selphie's he'd promised to mend for her, ages ago. Tears threatened suddenly and he slammed the drawer shut, went to look out of the window. He saw Squall making his way across the quad towards the lift. He looked so miserable, it was almost as if he knew.
Remembering Squall brought another level to Irvine's misery. He resolved that Squall must never find out, or Selphie. He and Rinoa would keep it a secret, a moment's madness, soon forgotten.
He started cleaning his gun again.
Of course, he knew they never would forget, not really. He didn't want Rinoa like he wanted Selphie, he knew Rinoa didn't want him either, and there was no way he wanted to hurt Squall for what would inevitably be a transitory pleasure.
But he had tasted something sweet and luscious and very exciting, and he wanted to cherish the memory forever.
* * * * * * *
Rinoa dropped her test paper on the pile on the invigilator's desk with a sigh. For a whole two hours she had managed to push everything to the back of her mind, while she concentrated on her exam. Now all her worries came flooding back.
She went back to her seat and waited patiently while her fellow students handed their papers in, some looking relieved, some anxious, some downright pleased with themselves.
"Before you go," the invigilator called out when the last paper had been added to the pile, "I have just been informed of an accident at the Fire Cavern. Nobody has been seriously hurt, but those of you expecting to attend for your tests later today should check the notice-board to find out the new time slot you've been allocated. That's all. You may go."
No, thought Rinoa, let me stay here. Exams are simple: you just answer right or wrong, you're on your own. You can't hurt anyone by answering test papers. Out there in the world I have to hurt people.
Wearily she got up and left the safety of the exam room. She considered where to go: she should go talk to Irvine and clear things up; she ought to see Zell and find out what had possessed him to try and get her killed this morning. She certainly ought to find Xian and apologise for nearly destroying a wall in the Training Centre. She was hungry, too, and she needed to find out when she was due at the Fire Cavern.
But first, she had to talk to Squall.
* * * * * * *
She found him in his office, receiving a report on the Fire Cavern accident from Instructor Chet. She could see through the window in Squall's office door that Chet looked beaten up and seemed upset, and ordinarily she wouldn't have interrupted, but she knew if she didn't see Squall now she might not catch him before someone else did. And then it would get complicated. More complicated.
She knocked briefly on the door and went straight in.
"Squall, I'm sorry to interrupt, but…"
"Rinoa, hi! That's fine, Chet was just going. You heard about the accident."
"Yes," she remembered her manners, saluted Chet and Squall, "there was an announcement."
"Chet's student bolted on him. Got nervous and ran away."
"She was not,", "my student. I was assigned." He clearly didn't approve of the new system of support. "My students do not suffer from nerves."
"I'm sure they don't," said Squall; whether from diplomacy or with a hint of sarcasm, Rinoa couldn't be sure.
"I must go now," announced Chet. "I trust you will consider what I said."
"Of course. Take care of yourself, Chet."
Chet saluted Squall, gave Rinoa a formal nod and left. As soon as the door clicked shut Squall leapt over his desk and gave Rinoa a very unexpected hug.
"How did it go? I'm so sorry I missed you. I wanted to say good luck."
"It was fine, thanks." Riona's heart sank. Squall looked so… well, almost happy. She couldn't remember the last time he'd hugged her, or anyone else, for that matter.
"Don't worry about the Fire Cavern," he was saying, "Chet's insisted that we run checks and make sure his student's Guardian hasn't gone native."
"Oh." Rinoa briefly wondered what this meant, but refused to be distracted. "Squall, I've got something to tell you. Well, three things."
His face fell. He must have picked up the anxiety in her voice. He leaned against his desk, apprehensive and resigned all at once. She swallowed hard. He was so gorgeous, dark and strong and vulnerable all at once. She looked him straight into his beautiful, grey eyes and spoke, trying to fight back tears.
"I don't want you to be mad at anyone but me about this," she said, "I just… okay." She cleared her throat. "OK. First of all, I think I broke a wall in the Training Centre. Second of all, I think Zell's seriously lost the plot. And thirdly… " she tailed off.
Thirdly what, exactly? I haven't been unfaithful, because Squall and I aren't an item. I don't owe him anything.
She took a deep breath. Of course. I owe him my life, more than once. I owe him my home, my training, my future. I owe him my honesty.
"Thirdly, I kissed Irvine in the quad."
She waited for him to say something. She'd expected, maybe even hoped, that he'd lose his temper, shout at her. But he didn't say anything. He just looked terribly, terribly hurt.
He turned his back to her, stared out of the window. This is it, then, he thought. This is the pain I wanted so much to avoid. That's irony for you. All this time I've been resisting Riona, hiding my feelings, keeping a distance between us, and for nothing. He felt all the jealousy, regret and anger he would have felt if she'd cheated on him, yet he knew she would never have cheated on him. He turned and looked at her, allowing himself some satisfaction in her obvious discomfort.
"That's nice for you." His voice was like ice.
"Squall, I…"
"You what, exactly? Rinoa? It really isn't any of my business. You're free to kiss whoever you want."
She looked helplessly at him, but something about the way he was fighting his feelings started to get to her.
"You don't mean that, Squall. You can't come over all distant leader with me. I know you, dammit. I know you're hurt and you won't even show it!"
"Is that why you got off with Irvine? To hurt me? It fucking worked, Rinoa." His voice was quiet, deadly. "I know I've no right, I know you're not mine, but I thought you understood. I thought you respected and cared for me. But no, it's my best friend you want to be with. Or are you just another of his conquests?"
"It was just a kiss!" Rinoa pushed away the memory of how, just for a second out there in the sunshine, she'd wanted it to be more, "it wasn't important!
"Then why did you come up here and tell me all about it?" He tried to control his growing anger, but with little success.
"Because I know how people talk and I wanted to explain."
"Explain what? That you can't wait for me any longer? That Irvine's got something I haven't? Or did you just have a complete memory lapse and fall on the first man you found? I don't care, Rinoa. If you want Irvine that's fine. I hope you'll both be very happy. Now get the fuck out of my office. Before I tell you how I really feel."
Hot tears ran down her cheeks; she was trembling with her own anger and regret. "I'm sorry I told you," she whispered. "I thought it was the right thing to do. I don't know why I've wasted all this time waiting for you." She ripped his ring and it's chain from around her neck and hurled it at him, sparks flying from the magic that overflowed from her pain. "You're not capable of loving anyone but yourself. I don't want Irvine, he's just a friend, but my God I'm going to go and find someone who really does want me!"
She turned and fled, leaving him standing alone in his big, empty office, oblivious to the magic that burned his hand where he clasped his ring.
* * * * * * *
The way Rinoa's day was going she shouldn't have been surprised that she bumped – literally – into Selphie as she ran down the corridor away from Squall. She tried to pull herself together and hide her tears, but with little success.
"Rinoa! What's the matter?"
Selphie, generous as always with her affections, threw her arms around her friend and gave her a huge hug, before searching her face for some clue as to what might be wrong. "Don't tell me that big oaf Irvine forgot to come and train with you?"
At the mention of Irvine's name Rinoa burst into tears all over again.
"Oh, Rin, don't cry. Come to my room, I'll make us some tea and you can tell me about it."
Unable to argue, Rinoa allowed Selphie to take her hand and lead her swiftly down the corridor.
* * * * * * *
Irvine was writing his journal when Squall came crashing through the door. He had never seen his friend so angry before, and swiftly realised that he was on the wrong end of it.
"Man, I… ow!"
Later, Irvine thought to be grateful that Squall had come over all old fashioned and hit him with his fist rather than his gunblade. He was a swordsman, not a martial artist, and while his punch was full of passion, it wasn't deadly.
At the time, Irvine mainly thought 'ow' followed closely by 'shit' as he realised that Squall must have found out about Rinoa.
He moved out of the way of the second punch, and put his hands up to block the third.
"Woah, Squall, we need to talk."
Squall hesitated for a moment.
"Why? Give me one fucking good reason why I shouldn't beat the crap out of you."
"Because I used to be your best friend? Because it wasn't how you think?" tried Irvine, talking as fast as he could.
Squall glared at him, but his hands fell to his side.
"So what have you got to say?"
"Okay. Just a minute." Irvine backed away slowly. "Come in and shut the… what's left of the door…" actually, there wasn't anything left except a pile of firewood. "Never mind." He went to the sink in the corner of his room and splashed his face with cold water, trying to stem the blood streaming from his nose.
"Well? I haven't got all day, Kinneas."
"I take it someone told you they saw me and Rinoa… looking close."
"Something like that."
"Well, thanks for coming to clear things up."
"I didn't. I came to beat the crap out of you. And I'm getting impatient."
Irvine dried his face on a towel and pulled his hair back, retying his customary ponytail. "I have some stuff to say, Squall. All I ask is that you listen to me. Then, if you still want to, you can hit me some more…" He touched his nose and winced. It was already starting to swell.
"Go on."
Irvine took a deep breath, and spoke carefully. "You're the best friend I've ever had, Squall, and Selphie's the only woman I want. I'm devastated that I hurt you. Rinoa's been really unhappy today. I comforted her and I felt close to her and we stepped over a line. At the end of the day I'm a man and I've never been good at controlling myself. Rinoa's beautiful and I couldn't resist. I don't want to get between the two of you. Do what you like to me, but please don't be hard on Rinoa. She loves you so much."
"Then why would she do this to me?" There was a plaintive quality to Squall's voice, despite the steeliness of his eyes.
"Squall, I think she's lonely. She needs affection. Someone to lean on sometimes. You and I both know she wants that person to be you. But… you've not been there for her, have you? Really?"
Squall's anger was dissolving.
"Come on, sit down, man. Let me get you a drink or something."
Squall shook his head, but sank slowly onto the edge of Irvine's bed. He couldn't trust himself to speak.
"She really loves you, Squall. What's holding you back?" Irvine sat next to him.
"I can't get close to her," whispered Squall. "When it comes to Rinoa, I can't think straight."
"Love makes you do the wacky."
"No, it's more than that. I really can't think about it. My mind kind of … wriggles off."
Irvine frowned. "What?"
"I can't concentrate on it. If I think about maybe going out with her… my mind won't let me. I've even thought of counselling."
Irvine smiled to himself: for someone as silent and guarded as Squall, counselling would be more torture than slaying a thousand dragons. "Have you considered it might be magical, Squall?" he suggested gently.
"What?" Squall looked up in surprise.
"Well, I know you're not good at relationships but this isn't right, even for you," he considered a moment. "I can find out. Let me in your mind."
"No fucking way!" Squall leapt to his feet, "I came here to beat the crap out of you, remember!"
"Sit down," said Irvine gently, "look. I'll do a deal with you. I'll use Ether to form a two-way link. I'll look for any magical stuff in your mind and you can check out my feelings for Rinoa. Have a look at my memories."
Squall studied his friend's face. "Are you serious? What if…"
"I owe you that much, Squall, if you think it'll help. Just be careful."
Squall sat down slowly, considering what Irvine was suggesting. It was a hugely generous offer. By letting Squall into his mind Irvine was risking all sorts of damage, especially as he must have been aware of how angry Squall felt towards him. He knew Guardian Ether could make links between minds, but as far as he remembered there was no guarantee that Irvine's memories would remain intact once Squall had come into contact with them. Perhaps that's what Irvine wanted, to forget what had happened? But the concern on his friend's face suggested otherwise. He was just trying to offer Squall something to make up for the hurt. He obviously thought it was worth the risk.
"Alright then. If you're sure."
Irvine nodded. "Hold my hands and try to relax." Squall reluctantly offered Irvine his hands. "Oh, come on, you can still hit me later if you like, but for this you've got to trust me."
Squall tried his best to relax. They sat cross-legged on the bed, opposite each other.
"We won't be able to communicate while we're joined." Irvine explained. "Ether will come into your mind like any other Guardian, and then you'll feel my mind too. Just be careful not to mix your feelings with mine. Ether will show you the way, just experience it like a dream."
Squall nodded. Irvine took his hands and intertwined their fingers.
"Look into my eyes," he said. Squall did as he was told, although not without some awkwardness: he had, after all, intended to give Irvine a hiding, not to end up holding hands and gazing into his eyes. But after a few seconds he found he was losing himself in Irvine's steady gaze.
"Lionhart." He heard Ether's formal acknowledgement as the Guardian entered his mind. For some reasons Guardians always used the archaic form of his name. "I will join you with Sniper. Be still."
Squall was aware of Irvine's consciousness gradually entering his own. He sensed concern, determination.
"Sniper quests. Be still. Float."
He started to wonder what he was supposed to be doing, but Ether's presence calmed him and he started, slowly, to imagine he was Irvine. Some of the memories he already knew: their shared childhood, past missions. But experiencing things from Irvine's viewpoint was different. Squall was surprised a the love, respect and affection Irvine felt for him, and his other friends. He saw Selphie as Irvine saw her: smart, funny, Squall could see, but beautiful, powerful – funny, she always seemed shorter to me, he thought - sexy? He saw various other women from Irvine's point of view, a lot of women, and began to appreciate the true extent of his friend's experience with the opposite sex.
Squall continued to search for Riona, all the time fighting down his pain and jealousy to protect Irvine's memory. Just for a second, he considered trying to remove this experience form his friend's mind, to steal back what had been stolen from him. But he couldn't."
"Float," Ether commanded. "The Sniper will cleanse."
Squall gladly blanked his mind; he felt Irvine channelling Ether's energy through him in a cleansing spell. He controlled the panic as he realised what this meant: Irvine had found something wrong. A soft, cool feeling spread through him, like half melted snow, and he was almost overwhelmed by the crystal sharp clarity of thought that followed.
All of a sudden, he found what he was looking for. He was Irvine, in the quad, doing tai chi (rather well, actually) with Rinoa. Squall felt Irvine's respect and affection for Riona, his appreciation of her strength, her beauty, her honesty. The tai chi stopped: Squall felt the charge between them as if it was he who was there, drawing her to him with his gaze, her breath on his face. Quickly he wrenched his own feelings back, and concentrated on Irvine. He felt Irvine's urge to kiss Rinoa, a mixture of lust and curiosity. He felt Rinoa's lips, her tongue, her overwhelming sensuality; and Irvine's response: hot, instinctive, pure sexual energy.
They stopped kissing, and Squall braced himself. Was this the moment he'd lost Rinoa to Irvine?
No. Irvine's feelings were the same: hot desire and affection, but not love. Suddenly there was guilt, vast, devastating regret, not for what he had done, but for what the consequences might be. Irvine felt a rage against his own reckless, thoughtless lust, and a real fear that it might cost him his best friend and the woman he really loved. Selphie. Just Selphie.
Squall started to pull back, not wanting to spy anymore. Just before he left the memory, though, he caught a glimpse of Rinoa's face. The bond, the moment between Irvine and Rinoa had been intense, but he knew her so well, he understood straight away that while Irvine had stirred her lust, she didn't love him. At least, not in the way she loved Squall. Her eyes didn't have the same sparkle, her smile wasn't quite as soft as when she looked at him.
He felt first Irvine, then Ether withdraw from his mind.
"You are well, Lionhart," said Ether, "farewell."
And they were gone.
Slowly, Squall opened his eyes, and found himself once more gazing into Irvine's, their hands still clasped together. He felt uncomfortable, as if he had been eavesdropping, but at the same time felt a rush of affection for his friend.
"Irvine.. are you OK?"
Irvine thought for a moment, then undisguisable relief spread across his face. "I remember. I practised tai chi with Rinona and we kissed and I felt crap. I remember." He sighed, then caught Squall's expression. "Oh, shit, sorry, man. It's just… I…"
"You want to remember. That's OK. I understand." He gave Irvine a wry smile. "I really do understand."
Irvine hugged his friend, but Squall pushed him away, albeit gently.
"No sudden displays of affection, Irvine, I can't take it right now."
"Sorry," Irvine grinned.
"So, what did you find?"
"Oh. Yes, of course. Well, it was some kind of spell residue, I think. Like… energy left over from a spell that didn't have anywhere to go. It was strangling your feelings about Rinoa, and a few other things too. Kind of like when people have really bad memories, and they repress them? Only this was definitely artificial."
"Yes," said Squall in a small voice, "I know what the other kind feels like." When you're so afraid that you'll go mad if you remember what it felt like to be so alone, so abandoned, unloved. He shuddered. "Did you get rid of it?"
"I think so. Well, try it out. Go on, imagine a life with Rinoa. I dare you."
Squall considered for a moment, and a smile slowly spread across his pale features.
Irvine coughed delicately. "Well, it looks like a success from where I'm sitting."
Squall laughed, a sound as heart-lifting to Irvine as it was rare. "I've just been in your head too long, Irvine. You're a bad influence!"
Irvine grinned. "So it's okay. It's gone?"
Squall frowned in concentration. "I think so. I don't feel foggy any more. Just… usual kind of stuff."
Irvine didn't dwell too long on what kind of thoughts might be usual for Squall. "Pleased to be of service." Thanks, Ether. I owe you one. "I'm sure there won't be any long term damage to your heroic qualities from being in my head a while."
"It was interesting." Squall ran his fingers through his hair, not knowing quite how to cope with an intimacy he'd never experienced before. "You really did fancy Rinoa, didn't you?"
"Yes. But I don't…"
"Love her."
"No. Not like that. It was just one of those things."
Squall nodded. "Well, I need to go and do some stuff," he said. "I've got a few things to sort out and there's somewhere I have to be." He got up, hooking strands of hair behind his ears, straightening his belts. "Um.. I'm sorry about the door."
"That's okay. I have a friend in high places around here. I'm sure he'll get it fixed."
"And your nose… oh, and Irvine?"
"Yeah?"
"Just how many women did you slept with in Galbadia?"
Irvine grinned modestly. "Put it this way, man, you don't want to be in my mind long enough to find out."
"But Selphie…"
He shrugged. "Kind of cramped my style. Falling in love like that. I guess we all settle down in the end."
"You ought to talk to her, you know."
"Get out of here!"
Stepping carefully over the remnants of Irvine's door, Squall did just that.
* * * * * * *
[author's note: 'Love makes you do the wacky'™ Willow, BtVS, but just too good not to use ;-)]