Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks.

This chapter is dedicated to anyone currently chained to a desk when they'd rather be out enjoying life :-(

Feedback very welcome, reviews give me the energy to keep posting!

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Chapter 7 – Graduating

Zell was pacing the corridor outside the Training Centre, chewing anxiously on the end of a pencil. His initial delight on hearing Xian's report on Rinoa's performance in the Fire Cavern had faded more with every minute that passed. He couldn't understand what was taking her so long… but he could imagine, all too well. Various scenarios played through his mind, mostly involving Squall storming off and leaving Rinoa helpless in the face of some hideous attack.

"Not back yet, then?" Zell hadn't heard Irvine approach, and his voice made him jump.

"Shit, man, give a guy some warning."

"Sorry. Didn't mean to sneak."

Zell wasn't impressed. "There's no sign of her. It's been over an hour now."

"She's with Squall, right? She'll be okay."

"I suppose." Zell didn't look convinced. "He was kinda mad, though."

"Where are Selph and Quistis?"

"They'll be back soon, I think they went to check she didn't go straight back to her room."

"Oh."

"Irvine… what if something's happened?"

"Don't be daft. They'll be fine."

"But if it did… it would be all my fault."

"Er… how d'you work that one out?"

"Because I'm instructor. I shouldn't let my feelings get in the way."

"Your feelings? Oh… oh!" the implication of Zell's words dawned on him. "I didn't realise you felt that way about Rinoa," Irvine lied carefully.

"Well, now you do." Zell looked suddenly panicked. "You won't tell anyone, will you?"

Irvine shook his head. "Safe with me, man." He regarded Zell thoughtfully. "It must be hard. For you. Instructor and all."

Zell shrugged. "Sometimes. But she and Squall…"

"Made for each other. Yes, I know. If only they knew it, eh?" Then, more gently, "you must think he doesn't deserve her."

Zell shifted awkwardly, leaned uncomfortably against the wall. "After all he's been through… I just wish he made her happy, that's all."

"I think he will. Maybe he already does, in a way. Man…" Irvine put a hand on Zell's shoulder, barely flinching when Zell shrugged it off, "you need to move on. Find someone who can love you back. Feel the fun a little."

Zell's eyes flashed angrily. "Oh, that's easy for you to say, isn't it, Mr Love 'em and Leave 'em! You don't even know what it's like to really love someone, you just use your moves to get what you want, don't care what happens after, and all the while you've got Selphie just waiting 'til you get bored!"

Irvine was stunned into silence for a moment by this unexpected attack. Is that what you think? Is that how people see me, even now? He wanted to protest to Zell how much he hurt, how Selphie had never returned his affections – apart from that one, sweet afternoon in Esthar – and how sometimes he needed someone to hold so much he slept cuddling his pillow like a lovesick teenager. But he couldn't, any more than Zell could admit he needed a shoulder to cry on. He fell back on the only defence he knew.

"I just think I'm too young and gorgeous to settle down. And so are you."

Zell snorted. "I'm not like you. Thank Gods. I care."

If he hadn't turned away he would have seen Irvine flinch as if he'd been slapped in the face.

What have I done? When did you start to hate me?

Before he could think of any kind of reply, they were interrupted by an out of breath Selphie running down the corridor, dragging Quistis, who was trying hard to look her usual dignified, sedate self, in her wake.

"No sign!" she panted.

"Damn." Zell aimed a kick at the Training Centre door. "Where the fuck are they?"

Selphie shrugged. "Probably saving the world, I expect. As usual."

"Oh no," said Irvine, "they're not allowed to do that without us."

"So what now?" Selphie sidled up to Zell. "You could tell us. Her result, I mean."

"Of course I can't!" Zell smiled at Selphie, despite himself. "Do you have any idea how hard Rinoa would hit me if I did that?"

"She need never know." Selphie treated him to her cutest eyelash flutter.

"Selphie," warned Quistis, "he's quite right. It wouldn't be proper."

"Oh, no fair," pouted Selphie. "Alright. What shall we… oh, look! There they are!"

The relief on Zell's face was a rare unguarded window to his feelings that no-one saw, as they all turned towards a hot, dirty but otherwise apparently unharmed Squall and Rinoa jogging down the corridor.

"Where have you been?" Selphie chided the pair. "Zell was sooo worried. He's been clucking like you wouldn't…"

"Rubbish," Zell interrupted, "Just pissed off… you know, things to do and all."

"Squall had to deal with some… leader stuff," said Rinoa, "on the way back," she continued. "It took a while," she finished lamely.

"Well," Zell looked sternly at her. "You're here now." He looked round the anxious, waiting faces of his friends. "Don't you guys have somewhere to be?"

"Oh, Zell," Selphie stamped her foot, "you're so mean!"

"This way, 'Elf," Irvine took her hand and led her firmly through the door of the Training Centre. "Fancy a bit of grat-bashing, guys?" Quistis took the hint, Squall following hesitantly behind. "Come on Commander, I'll see if we can't find some doors for you to destroy," said Irvine, trying to suppress a smile at the look that passed between Squall and Rinoa as they left.

* * * * * * *

"So." Zell cleared his throat. "Rinoa Heartilly."

"Yes, Instructor Dincht." The expression on her face was somewhere between exuberance and desperation.

"Xian tells me you did well at the Fire Caverns."

She nodded, looking as if she was expecting him to say 'but…'. His face broke into a broad grin.

"Shit, Rinoa, I can't do this the formal way. You're brilliant. You passed everything with top marks: your written exam was the best since Squall's. Congratulations, Riona. You made SeeD, starting rank 15, in recognition of the field service you've already put in."

She squealed with delight, flinging her arms round him and covering his face with big slobbery kisses like an overexcited moomba.

"Thank you, Zell! Oh thank you! You're the best instructor EVER!"

"That's okay. You were the one who did all the hard work." You were the one who came to me two years ago, full of power and fear and determination, not knowing what to do with any of it but so desperate to learn. He pulled her arms gently from around his neck. "Well done, Rinoa," his eyes were warm with sincerity, "you deserve this."

There was a crash and the would-be grat hunters fell out of the Training Centre. Rinoa found herself at the centre of a mass of hugging and squealing, differences forgotten, and in the midst of the excitement, Squall's hand squeezing her own.

I can't believe I'm a SeeD. After two years, I'm one of them. At last.

"Hey, Rinoa," said Irvine, "what Guardian did you get?"

"Honestly, Irvine," Quistis chided, "you should have more respect. They're not a free gift you find in a cereal packet, you know."

"Sorry, Ms Trepe," Irvine teased, "I'll try to remember that in future."

"It's called Yujan," said Rinoa, "fire, mostly. A bit of earth magic too, though."

"Was the junction okay?" said Zell, anxiously. "Elementals can be…"

"Painful? Yes, it hurt but it was okay after a bit. It feels weird, though, having two…"

"With Leviathan," Squall interjected swiftly, "as well."

"It would," Zell frowned, "fire and water not good. You might want to keep Leviathan unjunctioned for a bit until you've introduced them properly."

"Yes. Um… yes, I will. Look, if you guys don't mind I ought to go and get a shower, and I have to tell my father. So I'll see you later, at the party, yeah?"

"Just make sure he doesn't give you any grief," said Selphie, "you're a SeeD now, whether he likes it of not."

Rinoa smiled grimly. "That's a bit of a case of his worst fears coming true," she said, "so he's not going to take it well. I'll just have to grin and bear it. See you later." With one last round of hugs, she was gone.

"Well, I'm off to finish today's reports," Quistis announced to no-one in particular.

"I'm starving," said Selphie, "come on Zell, you must want a hot-dog now."

"Too right." Zell had cheered up considerably. "Coming, Squall?"

"No, I've got a meeting," said Squall. "Look, thanks for everything, Zell. Rinoa couldn't have had a better instructor. She was awesome."

"She's always been awesome. But thanks."

They went their separate ways, Selphie and Zell rushing off to the cafeteria at their usual breakneck speed, Irvine and Squall heading for the lift. Quistis found herself alone for a moment in the corridor. Something was nagging at her mind, but she couldn't quite grasp what it was: a thought, or a memory, or just déjà vu.

Frowning, she went back to her office, trying to pin down exactly what was bugging her.

~As if I didn't have enough to worry about.

* * * * * * *

"So you don't know where you found the crystals?"

Xu stirred her tea slowly, a small frown on her delicate features. Squall stared at his mug, feeling foolish for what he was about to say.

"I forgot."

Xu suppressed a smile, trying to remember that Squall was her Commander and not a cadet who'd missed a training session. "You forgot?" she probed patiently.

"It sounds stupid, I know," Squall continued, "but I can't remember actually collecting them."

"What about the others?"

"The other crystals? I don't know, this is the first mission we…"

"No," Xu corrected gently, "I mean the other members of the team. Rinoa, Irvine?"

Squall shook his head. "Only Rinoa came to the room with me: Selphie was injured, and so I left Irvine with her."

"Does Rinoa remember anything?"

"I don't know." Squall ran his fingers anxiously through his hair; he'd never felt so unprepared for a meeting before in his life. "That is… it's been her final SeeD exam today. I haven't had a chance to ask her about it." ~Gods, that sounds lame.

"I hear she passed with flying colours," Xu smiled, "best since a certain Squall Leonhart, I heard."

"So they say." The memory of the day he'd passed came sharply to mind; Xu and Quistis congratulating him and Zell one minute and bawling Seifer out the next. And now here I am, Commander of SeeD, and Xu Head of Garden. And Seifer…

He shook his head, chasing the memory away. "I'll ask Rinoa tonight," he said. "About the crystals," he added.

"Don't worry, I'll see her in the morning. She'll want to celebrate tonight, I expect."

Squall felt a shiver race up his spine. He already had some ideas as to how he wanted to help Rinoa celebrate. One of them involved chocolate syrup.

He picked up his mug with a slightly shaking hand, desperately trying to get his mind back to worrying about energy crystals and lost memories.

"What do we know about the crystals, Xu? Are we any closer to finding out what the Dia are up to?"

Xu shook her head and sighed. "Not really. We're running tests on the crystals, but it takes forever. And there's still more to find. We could really do with some decent recon."

"But the Dia are so xenophobic. I can't imagine how we could get anyone in under cover."

"No. Unless we get a lot better at making prosthetic tentacles."

Squall laughed. "I can't see that happening. What about surveillance?"

"Yes, that's the next move, I think, plant some bugs and cameras. That means sending in a squad."

"Anyone in mind?"

"Well, now you mention it… it's up to you, of course, but I wondered if Rinoa was ready for a new challenge. Do you think she'd be up for it?"

"Her first mission as a SeeD? Just try and hold her back. And Selphie, of course, she's got the experience."

"Oh. Is she okay? Fully recovered, I mean?"

Squall didn't notice the flicker of panic that crossed Xu's face.

"Oh yes, she's back on form. Takes more than a flaming rug to get Selphie down."

"Oh. Good."

"I'll send Quistis, too," said Squall. "To keep them in line."

"Great. I'll brief Quis in the morning, if we can get organised they can go after rest day. Top security, no public announcements?"

"Oh yeah. We can't take any chances, Xu. I've had a bad feeling about the Dia from the first time we heard about them. Edea is never wrong about this kind of thing; if she says it's a problem, I want it tackled top priority."

"Of course."

"Well," Squall drained his mug, "I guess that's our next move decided. I'll let you know if I remember anything about the crystals." He frowned, "oh, there is one thing. I don't suppose you've seen Chet this afternoon?"

Xu shook her head. "No, I haven't. Mind you, I've been pretty busy. Hardly out of the office really."

"Oh. Well, if you see him, could you ask him to report to me? There's something I need to discuss urgently, and I haven't been able to find him."

"Of course."

"Thanks. Well, I'd better go now: party to get to and all."

Xu nodded, a mischievous twinkle in her deep brown eyes. "Will you be dancing this year, Squall?"

"I tell you what," Squall rose to his feet, "if you're really nice to me, I might even dance with you."

"Squall! Are you feeling alright?!"

He smiled. "Never better, Xu. I think I've finally got a few things in perspective." Then, realising he may have given too much away, "leader stuff," he added, enigmatically.

* * * * * * *

Quistis closed her door and leaned wearily against it. Her head ached, and however pleased she was for Rinoa, she really didn't feel like partying.

She took off her glasses and rubbed tired eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose. Too long in front of her computer, too many reports. Too much to worry about. The muscles at the back of her neck and across her shoulders cramped.

When did I get so tense? Why?

With a deep sigh she kicked off her boots and padded to the bathroom, turned on taps and poured bubbles. She knelt by the bath, paddling fingers in soft water, lost in her thoughts, although if she'd been asked she couldn't have explained what she'd been thinking.

She undressed slowly, folding her clothes neatly, even the ones destined for the laundry basket. Quistis knew her tidiness bordered on the compulsive, but she liked order, feeling in control of the world around her. It was her way of coping with the chaotic and disturbing elements of her life: she may not know what was around the corner, but she would face it in clean clothes and the knowledge that all her bills were paid – and filed for future reference.

She untied her hair, enjoying the caress of blonde silk as it fell down her naked back. She pulled fingers through it from root to tip, teasing out the odd tangle here and there, but mostly just luxuriating in the sensuality of the moment.

She stepped into her bath and closed her eyes as she slid under the foam, the luxurious warmth comforting aching muscles.

How come I feel worse after a day in the office than I did after going ten rounds with the Galbadian army?

She relaxed at last, and her headache began to fade. If only she could stay here for a ocuple of hours, she thought she might even feel human again. But as usual, she didn't have that long. She tried to push such negative thoughts out of her mind, but it was never easy.

I could junction Pandemonia. Just for a while. Just until the party's over.

She frowned at herself. Quistis was, as Irvine regularly observed, obsessively stringent when it came to keeping rules, guidelines and even voluntary codes of practice. To junction a Guardian simply to get enough energy to survive a social function fragrantly contravened all three.

But still tempting. No-one need know. Pandemonia wouldn't mind. She likes Quistis.

She shook her head. It was just a daydream. An idle thought. Of course she'd do no such thing.

She tried to concentrate on less disturbing ideas. Rinoa was so pleased to be a SeeD at last, and even Squall had looked happy.

Squall, happy two days in a row? There must be something wrong.

Zell would be so proud of Rinoa; she remembered the fierce satisfaction she'd taken when her cadets had passed their final exams, especially Squall. And the personal failure she'd felt when they didn't pass. Seifer….

She wrenched her mind back to the present.

Irvine and Selphie, playing the fool as ever, climbing over each other to listen at the Training Centre door when Rinoa got her results, all youthful exuberance and excitement. She snorted to herself; it seemed hard to believe sometimes that both Selphie and Irvine's lives often depended on their capacity for silence and stillness. Maybe they just overcompensated when they got a chance to let off steam.

Everyone's happy but me. They've all found ways of coping. It's only me who's still lonely and has flashbacks and is so, so tired…

Sickened by her own self pity, Quistis reached for the soap and started to wash, methodically, as if she was cleaning herself of this futile negativity. She didn't take pleasure in touching her soft, glowing skin. She noticed with annoyance how her thighs had lost some of the muscle they'd developed when she was instructing, or, later, on the mission to conquer Ultimecia. She ought to train more.

But too tired. Always too tired.

She submerged to rinse, blowing bubbles through the water, all sound replaced by the roar of bathwater in her ears and a faint knocking of pipes.

She pushed her head out of the water again, reached for shampoo. Her ears were still singing: she tipped her head first one way, then the other as she lathered her hair. As her hearing returned she was aware of a beeping from the direction of the kitchen.

Too late to answer now. Let them leave a message.

Proud of herself for this positive idea, she stood up, water and foam cascading down her shoulders, her breasts. She pulled out the plug deftly with one toe and turned on the shower to rinse her hair. Eyes closed, she let the powerful jet of water beat against her neck.

She couldn't remember when she'd started to feel so much older than the others, so separate. She'd always been the one in charge, even in the orphanage, but never out of things. It hurt, sometimes, when they teased her for being bossy, organised, responsible. It didn't used to bother her: she used to be able to take a joke, even if she didn't make them very often.

She knew her job separated her from the others sometimes. She seemed to get less and less field duty as Xu shared more of the strategic responsibilities with her. She was pleased to help: Xu was an old friend and bore a lot on her young shoulders. But Quistis saw the look in their eyes, how they glazed over when she talked about tactics, or politics. Even Squall, sometimes.

Well, they are trained fighters, after all, killers, not politicians.

The thought shocked her. After all, she was SeeD trained herself, and being a soldier didn't mean you had no morals. The Ultimecia mission, and many others since, had proved that. The days when SeeD was just a mercenary force for hire were fading into memory.

But there's so much they don't understand. They don't even care. They live on adrenaline. They don't know what it's like for me, so many decisions, so many secrets.

Quistis knew this was a dangerous train of thought, that only seemed to confirm the distance between her and her friends, make her loneliness seem more real.

She turned off the shower, stepped out of the bath, wrapped herself in warm towels and rinsed the tub, sluicing remnants of shampoo and bath scum down the plughole, trying to visualise her depressing thoughts gurgling away with it.

If only it were that easy.

She went to the kitchen to make coffee, noticed the insistent red light flashing on her message machine. Unable to ignore what could, until actually listened to, be the most important news in the world, she pressed the button.

"You have two messages," the machine reported with an excitement in its simulated voice that Quistis didn't share. "First message."

"Hi Quisty," came Xu's steady voice, "um… I know you've got a late night tonight, but could you drop by first thing tomorrow? We need to change some mission assignments and… well, I'll explain tomorrow. 09:00 hours would be cool. Have a great time tonight."

Oh, that's great. All this and now no rest day tomorrow.

She pressed the button for the next message.

"Hey Quistis," Squall always sounded unreal on recordings, somehow lighter and less serious than usual. "Just to say we're meeting in the quad before the party, Rinoa's class are doing some kind of a welcome drinks reception thing. So be there, if you can."

Squall organising a social activity? Now I've heard everything.

Quistis stared at the machine, finger poised over the erase button. The misery that had been threatening her for hours, - maybe days, weeks, even months, she wasn't sure - sank to the pit of her stomach and churned, stripping her of any resistance like a dispel washing away a shield spell, filling her heart with darkness and despair.

I can't work tomorrow. I don't want to go out. I don't want to pollute their happiness with my pain. I just want to crawl into a hole and die.

She leaned against the counter and let the tears come. Eventually it would pass. It must.

So weak. So tired.

Quistis knew this wasn't right. She'd always been a worrier, prone to depression. But this was different. This was a frightening, seductive darkness that threatened to overwhelm her completely.

I could junction Pandemonia. I'd feel strong. Just for tonight..

She sighed wearily.

How could it hurt?

Why did she feel like this? Was she really so worthless?

They must do it all the time, the others. They're always so happy, so full of life. This must be how they do it.

She stood up straight, dried her tears on her soft, fluffy towel.

Just once won't hurt. If they can do it, so can I.

She closed her eyes, and reached inside her mind.

"Pandemonia. Are you there?"

~Instructor.~ Quistis flinched inwardly; the Guardians had always called her that, right from her first junction, but what was once an exciting promise of her destiny was now a reminder of her bitter failure.

"Be with me, Pandemonia."

~As you wish.~

She felt the gentle surge of energy as Pandemonia slipped into junction. The soft, familiar touch of power flowed through her body and mind, cleansing her soul of darkness as her bath had cleansed her body.

With fingers that shook only a little, she reached into the cupboard and took out a small bottle, flicked the stopper out, poured its golden, slightly glowing liquid down her throat, wiped her lips on the back of one trembling hand.

Her body relaxed at last as the healing took effect; strength flooded her limbs, her mind came to clarity with a shock like early morning sun when the blinds are opened.

She breathed deeply, adrenaline pumping.

Leaving her towels in a damp heap on the kitchen floor, she went to get dressed for the party.

* * * * * * *