Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks.

Edited for the more graphic smut, including slash: if you're legal and you like smutty bits see www.scribblemoose.co.uk for the full version.

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Chapter 13 – Questioning

Squall woke up at ten to one with a raging hard-on and a sense of panic.

He had ten minutes to get dressed and meet the mad gunblader in the training hall.

Fuck, he was horny. Why…?

Oh. The dreams.

Grateful there was no-one there to see him blush, he pulled on his leather pants and a shirt. His hair was completely out of control where he'd slept with it wet; he dragged his fingers through it with little success.

He tried to focus, willing his body back under control, wishing Rinoa was there…

Okay. Think of something else. Not Rinoa.

He picked up Lionheart and took a deep breath, trying to concentrate on Risha and Frila, and the pile of reports he knew had built up on his desk over the past couple of days.

Gradually his head cleared, he shook off the remnants of sleep and dreams.

Pulling the covers on his bed straight with a deep sigh, Squall got back to work.

* * * * * * *

Frila was already in the hall when he arrived, sitting on a gunblade case, a large rucksack next to her. She looked like she was waiting for a train.

"Cadet."

"Commander." She stood up and saluted.

"At ease, Ms Alfyrd."

"Thanks."

"Is Oceanus alright?"

She nodded. "Far as I can tell. It's still quiet in there." She tapped her head.

"And are you alright?"

"I guess. It's all a bit strange."

"You're set to leave us this afternoon, aren't you?"

"Yeah. You'll be wanting the Guardian back, right?" She didn't sound too keen about that.

"Well, we can't really let you wander off with it, I'm afraid. You could get hurt, junctioning without training, and there's some things about this particular Guardian that are … unusual."

"OK. So how does that work? Do you just… suck it out of my head, or something?"

"It's not quite like that. It doesn't hurt or anything. Not if you give it up voluntarily. But there's some other stuff we need to talk about first."

"Oh. Disobeying orders, by any chance? Acting like a spoilt brat?"

"That kind of thing. You know what you did was stupid and dangerous, don't you? Not just calling Oceanus, I mean even going to the beach in the first place."

"Yes. I do. I'm sorry," she sighed. "Xian always said I had no discipline; she was right. My feelings get the better of me sometimes. I just wanted to escape. I didn't think."

"Is that your gunblade in that case?"

"Yeah. I was going to… give it to someone. But they didn't want it, I don't think. So I thought I'd take it back to the shop. Maybe break it down for spares."

Squall winced. For most of his life his weapon had been the only constant he could really depend on; his gunblade had saved his life countless times, and was like an old friend, or even a part of his own body. He could no sooner consider destroying Lionheart than he could casually give up an arm or a leg.

He picked up the case and handed it to her.

"Get it out," he said. "One last time."

She looked quizzically at him for a moment, then shrugged and did as he asked. Squall eyed the emerging blade appreciatively. While it wasn't in Lionheart's league, it was a beautiful piece of workmanship. There was an intricate design near the gun chamber, a serpent wound around a tree. Of course, her father made these things. It was only natural that he would make sure she had the best.

Squall pulled Lionheart to centre, touched his nose with the blade.

"You want me to fight you?" she said incredulously, "I'm crap. What do you want to do, kill me?"

He lowered his blade and looked her straight in the eyes. "Do you really want to leave knowing you had a chance to try your hand against Squall Leonhart, and didn't take it?"

She returned his gaze with steady green eyes for a long moment.

Slowly, she drew her blade to answer his challenge.

"Just remember, if you kill me," she said, "you won't get a discount at the Junk shop ever again."

He lunged at her in reply.

She parried, just about, and replied to his attack with fairly competent text book moves. There was no rhythm or style to her assault, though, and she was very predictable. Squall swiftly backed her into a corner, pulled Lionheart back to strike, registered the fear on her face. He brought the point of his blade to rest against her throat.

"You can do better than that," he hissed. "You know you can. Why won't you? What are you afraid of?"

She swallowed hard. His steel grey eyes narrowed, she could feel the heat of his body close to hers, and even though he couldn't have been more than a couple of inches taller than she was, it felt like he towered over her. The man had more menace and charisma than all the Guardians in the world. She suddenly understood why people were prepared to die under his command. At that moment she would have followed him to hell and back and thanked him for the privilege.

"Well? Is that all you can do? Was this morning just a fluke? Are you really just a spoiled child after all?"

She roared, thrusting him away with strength she didn't know she had, not thinking any more, just throwing her rage and frustration at him through her blade. He fell into defence mode, parrying smoothly, allowing her to push the fight back to the centre of the room.

He was so fast, Lionheart a blur of blue light, she gave up even trying to anticipate him with logic, relying instead on her instincts, more of a dance than a battle. And then she began to see chances: he was throwing her titbits, just missing a move here and there, leaving himself open for a fraction of a second. She started to look for those moments, ready to take advantage of anything he gave up. But just when she was starting to feel pleased with herself, he moved up a gear, effortlessly, and started to counter-attack. Disheartened and frustrated, she prepared for defeat.

"No," he growled. "You've got more. I know you have. Come on. Try, dammit!"

She summoned all the strength she could and launched herself at him with a flurry of strokes, blade whistling as it cut the air, sparks flying where it met Lionheart.

He was grinning.

She screamed at him and thrust her gunblade towards his heart.

Of course, he ducked and rolled neatly out of the way, leaving her almost falling into the space where he had been, completely off balance.

She was suddenly aware of a power inside her, growing with every minute of combat, urging her to fight harder, longer, more ferociously. Oceanus.

~Child.~

~Don't call me that.~

~Use me.~

~I don't know how.~

~Call me and I will be with you.~

~How do I…~

And then she was flat on her back, Squall Leonhart kneeling astride her, his gunblade hovering over her heart.

The price of a moment's distraction.

She felt Oceanus slip to the back of her mind again.

She was breathing hard and so was Squall; looking down at her with cloudy grey eyes, seeing secrets she wanted badly to hide. She noticed a lot of things for the first time: his high, perfect cheekbones; the vulnerability of his rumpled hair, falling randomly across his face; his mouth, lips softly parted to reveal the tip of his pink, wet tongue.

The famous scar between his eyes, faded now, but still evidence that once, just once, he had made a mistake, or been betrayed, or maybe both.

She didn't know whether she wanted to fight him, follow him or fuck him.

He shifted his weight slightly and brought his gunblade to rest at his side.

His leather pants squeaked against hers.

"Enough?" he asked. She nodded mutely, not trusting herself to speak.

He got up and reached out to pull her to her feet; she accepted his hand warily, almost expecting him to throw her, just to prove a point. But he didn't.

"Do you really want to leave?" he asked.

She shook her head. "You know I don't," she said. "But I can't stay. I'm no good with rules, I hate it when people tell me what to do, I'll never be able to be what Xian wants me to be."

"Maybe not," said Squall, "but you could be what you want yourself to be."

She looked sharply at him. "What are you saying?"

"I want you to stay, and become a SeeD. I want to train you."

"You? But you never train anyone. Ever. You don't even do demonstrations!"

"Maybe I've just been waiting for the right student to come along."

She considered what he was telling her. Squall Leonhart, the aloof, silent, scary Commander of Balamb Garden wanted her to be his… apprentice?

"Why me?" she asked. "I mean, really, why me? Xian'll tell you, I'm no good."

"You have a raw talent like I haven't seen since… for a long time. Xian told me you had no focus, no discipline and no commitment, and yesterday I would have agreed with her. But I think something's happened to you to change that. I think you've grown up some. You're ready."

You're right. Oceanus. Irvine…

"I'm not going to beg, though," he added. "Just in case you were wondering."

She laughed. "You don't have to," she said. "Of course I want to. You know that. You knew that when you came in here, didn't you?"

"I hoped. I'm actually not very good at knowing what other people think, so I don't take too much for granted."

"Oceanus talked to me, when we were fighting," she said. "It wanted me to call him, but I didn't know what it meant."

"Ah. That reminds me."

"You want it back?"

"For a while, at least. I need to ask it some questions."

"Oh. You said it was unusual… in what way, exactly?"

"We're not sure. It's been around Garden for years, so I don't think it's dangerous. But there are a few things we need to clear up before I can rest easy with you carrying it around."

"Why did it want to help me fight?"

Squall looked incredulously at her. "You really did miss all the GF classes, then?"

"Some of them," she admitted. "Not on purpose, really… I slept late a couple of times, and no-one seemed to miss me. I figured I could catch up at the revision class."

Squall paused to consider what he might have taken on.

"Guardians feed off our actions," he said. "They get power from us when we fight with them junctioned, when we use them for magic, and especially when we call them to fight with us. That's why they let us junction them in the first place, they need us to feed them."

"Don't they feed off anything nice? Is it just battles?"

"Battles and magic. There's plenty to go round, though, especially since the Lunar Cry. I don't think the world will run out of monsters in our lifetime. And they don't need a lot. It all seems to work out OK."

"Can they make you do stuff you don't want to? I mean, this thing in my head has an awful loud voice. What if I can't say no to it?"

"I've never known that happen. They need you, you see. If it ever got too much, all you have to do is unjunction them. Then they starve. Anyway, they get to like you, eventually. Then they stay to help. They can be very loyal."

"I guess I won't be finding out for a while, though, huh?"

"We'll see," said Squall.

"OK then. Do you mind if we get it over with? I think I'm going to miss the little guy."

"Um… a bit of respect might be in order, Frila. I know it seems to like you, and I meant what I said about them being loyal, but… don't push it, OK?"

"Sorry. Yes. Whatever."

He hid a smile.

"Come on, then. You might feel a bit weak when it leaves, but that's normal. Just relax and let it go." Squall cupped Frila's head behind one ear. His hand was steady and firm, cradling her skull.

She tried to keep her heartbeat slow.

~ Child? He wants me. ~

~ That's right. It's OK, I guess. He says he needs to ask a few things. ~

~ Do you release me? ~

~ I think I should. For a while, at least. ~

~ So be it. You are worthy. We will be joined again. ~

She felt a gentle pull as it left her mind.

~Oceanus… thank you.~

"It says you're welcome," Squall told her, as she slumped into his arms.

"Fuck… you weren't kidding about the weak, were you?"

"Sorry, I forgot it can be a bit overwhelming if you're…"

"Go on, say it. If you're as weak as a kitten instead of Mr Tough Commander guy."

She wished she could take that back, but the loss of Oceanus' presence in her mind was more profound than she'd expected. She wanted it back, badly.

Fortunately Squall just laughed. "Something like that," he admitted. "Now, why don't you go and unpack? I'll explain to Xian and I'll send you a training schedule. I expect you to go to all your regular classes, as well as mine, and there'll be others. You're going to work your ass off for me, or you'll be out on your ear. Understand?"

She nodded. "Yes, Sir."

"Now, I need to go find Captain Kinneas and have a bit of a chat with Oceanus. See you tomorrow."

Oh, fuck. Irvine. I'd forgotten about Irvine. He'll not be best pleased I'm staying. "Yes, Sir." She remembered her manners and saluted.

She put her gunblade away and picked up her stuff, slinging her rucksack over her back, noticing the weight of it now Oceanus was gone. She marched to the door.

"Thank you," she said over her shoulder as she left. "You won't regret this, I promise."

Squall nodded, and sincerely hoped she was right.

* * * * * * *

Irvine was in his room, actually trying to do some paperwork, a rare occurrence he was happy to be distracted from, when Squall knocked on his door.

"C'm in, it's open." No-one knocked on doors quite like Squall, although at least this time he had left it intact.

"Hey, Irvine. I've got Oceanus, so we can get some answers at last. Is it convenient?"

"Yeah, 'course. Did… er… did Frila give it up OK?"

"Yes, no problem. I think she'll miss it, though."

"First junction's always special," said Irvine, the irony of his words hitting him even as he spoke them.

"Guess so." Squall shrugged.

"So… has Frila left?"

"No. As a matter of fact she's staying."

"Oh." Irvine considered the mixture of relief, confusion and concern this raised in him. "Why? I mean…"

"She's too good to lose, Irvine. You saw the way she fought at the beach."

"But I thought you were completely pissed off with her?"

"I got over it. We really need good gunblades."

"Yes. Oh. Good."

"Anyway, let's talk to Oceanus. Have you checked on Risha today?"

"Yeah, I dropped by. She was waking up, so Ether and I sent her back to sleep again."

"Oh! Sorry, I didn't know. Are you OK? We can do this later…"

"No, I'm fine. I was only out for a short while. It felt… different. I guess it's getting easier over time."

"Well, that's good. Isn't it?" Squall frowned.

"Yeah. Oh, hell, yeah."

"Right. Well. Let's find out what's wrong with her."

"Yep, ready to go. How d'you want to play this?"

"I'll junction Oceanus and try and communicate. Could you and Ether just stand by in case I need anything about Risha?"

~Ether?~

~Sniper. I await. I watch.~

~OK, thanks.~

Squall junctioned Oceanus with practised ease.

~Guardian Oceanus~

~Lionhart. It is an honour.~

~Thank you. I have questions.~

~Ask~

~What happened near the fire caverns, with Risha and Chet?~

~A great many things.~

Squall swallowed his impatience. Talking to Guardians was even harder than talking to people.

~ Risha is hurt. We need to know what happened to her. ~

There was a pause.

~ The one who watches is present. I will not answer. ~

Squall looked at Irvine in surprise.

"He says he won't answer while 'the one who watches' is present. Any ideas?"

Ether.

"I think he means Ether. Incompatibility, maybe?"

"Looks like it."

"OK. I'll unjunction."

~ Ether… ~

~ I leave. ~

"That's odd," said Irvine, "I must have been around Nida loads of times when he was junctioned to Oceanus, and it was never a problem."

~ Oceanus? ~

~ She saw something she did not wish to see. ~

~ Yes, we understand that. What was it? ~

~ That which she did not wish to see. ~

~ Right.~ Squall took a deep breath. ~ Where did she see it? ~

~ In her mind. It was put there. ~

Progress. At last.

~ By whom? ~

~ The Great One with the being you call Chet. ~

Squall's blood ran cold. Gemini Pandora. Rinoa. He fought rising panic.

~ Why? Why did it do that? ~

~ To feed. ~

"Irvine, get on the fucking phone now, to Quistis. I need to know if Rinoa's alright."

"Rinoa? But they're supposed to be out of contact. Why…" Irvine saw the look on Squall's face and reached straight for his phone.

~ It feeds on.. fear? ~

~ That is correct. ~

~ Is there anything we can do for Risha? Can we make her well? ~

~ She must forget. I tried to protect. I failed. ~

For a moment Squall thought he could detect a faint tone of regret in the Guardian's voice. But that was foolish, he told himself. Guardians didn't have that kind of feeling, or expression. Emotion was a human curse.

Squall felt dread spreading through his heart, constricting his lungs, he was already imagining Rinoa collapsing with fear, like Risha, what it would feel like to lose her…

Irvine's voice phased into his consciousness.

"I know Quis, I'm sorry, Squall wants to know you're all alright, is all… No, I don't know why, he's my Commander, I don't ask questions… Quistis, will you answer me, dammit? Is she… are you all OK?"

"Tell Rinoa to unjunction Gemini," hissed Squall. "Now. And not to junction it again."

"… Quis? Good, that's fine. Squall says Rinoa shouldn't junction … Gemini?… until he says so… no, Quisty, I don't know why. Just trust me? … Oh. Oh, well, that's good. Fine. Yeah, we're OK… no, it's not raining here, still sunny" he caught Squall's look, "gotta go, Quis. Good luck. Bye."

"Well?" Squall demanded.

"She's fine, she hadn't junctioned Gemini, or Yujan for that matter. Quistis suggested she stick with Leviathan and Cerberus because they're known quantities. Are you going to tell me what's going on?"

"Risha… Oceanus says it was Gemini that hurt her. Some kind of mind stuff. It feeds off fear."

"Oh. I thought Ether was the only…"

"Well, obviously not!"

"Woah, steady there. It's OK, man. Rinoa's fine. Quistis won't let anything happen to her. Besides, Rin knows what she's doing. Maybe Risha was just incompatible or something. It does happen."

Squall slumped on Irvine's bed, covered his face with his hands and tried to wrestle his feelings under control. "Fuck Irvine, for a minute I thought I'd lost her…"

Irvine sat beside him, put a steady hand on his shoulder. "She's fine," he said. "You're not going to lose her."

~ Oceanus… how can we make Risha forget? ~

~ I do not know. I am not worthy. I could not protect. ~

~ Is that why you … freed yourself? ~

~ I was not worthy. ~

~ What happened to Chet? ~

~ I was free. I do not know. ~

~ I see. Thank you, Oceanus. ~

~ Lionhart, I have a request. ~

Squall blinked in surprise. That was pretty much unheard of.

~ What is it? ~

~ Let me be with the child. I can redeem myself. ~

~ You don't need to redeem yourself. You are worthy. ~

~ I am not. I failed. You do not know of what you speak. ~

~ So you want to junction… the child? What child? Oh. Frila. ~

~ That is correct. ~

~ She's very inexperienced. She hasn't… ~

~ Yes. That is where my redemption lies. I can show her the way, as I have shown others. ~

Of course. It's been around Garden forever. It could probably train her better than any of us.

~ Alright. I might need you myself, sometimes. ~

~ I await my duty. ~

~ Thank you, Oceanus. ~

~ My honour. ~

The junction slipped away.

Squall felt something wet on his hand. He opened his eyes and realised Angelo was licking him, whining softly. He scratched the dog between the ears like he'd seen Rinoa do, but a little awkwardly. He'd never really had much to do with pets, but it was hard to refuse those big brown eyes.

In fact, he had to admit he was a sucker for big brown eyes in general. Rinoa. He felt an echo of fear, the start of gnawing worry.

Irvine handed him a mug of coffee.

"You OK? You went kinda quiet so I thought you were either," he tapped the side of his head, "with Oceanus, or having a nervous breakdown. Either way, guessed you might want a coffee after."

"Thanks." Squall took a gulp and pulled a face. "But I don't know what you do to coffee to make it taste this way."

"It's a secret recipe. I have a question."

"What?"

"What's Gemini?"

Squall blinked.

"You'll notice that, being a dutiful SeeD, I followed your orders to the letter and asked no questions, even when my Commander was asking me to wreck radio silence, on a high security mission, to find out if his girlfriend was surviving their separation of approximately five hours. But assuming the crisis is now passed, could you tell me exactly what Gemini is? And what Oceanus told you about Risha?"

"Oh. Didn't we tell you?"

"You know you didn't."

"It's been… a bit hectic lately," said Squall.

"So?"

"Gemini Pandora was Chet's Guardian. No-one seems to know much about it, except it came with Chet from Esthar."

"Pandora, Esthar. Not words I like in the same sentence."

"No. Me neither. When we went to the Fire Cavern for Rinoa's test, Gemini appeared and we fought. Rinoa won and… well, demanded its submission."

"Demanded?"

Squall nodded. "Demanded. And it submitted."

"Your woman's getting very assertive lately. Had you noticed that?"

Squall looked blankly at his friend. His mind was still reeling from the image of Rinoa hurt and afraid; he couldn't cope with Irvine's banter at all right now.

"All it would say about Risha was that she needed to forget. And it really felt it had failed her. That's why it freed itself. It felt it wasn't worthy."

Irvine gave a low whistle. "Wasn't worthy? That doesn't happen every day."

"I don't think we can help her," said Squall. "I was so sure that if we found Oceanus, got answers…"

"Well, we also have Gemini Pandora. Maybe it can put right what it did wrong."

"You're right. As soon as Rin gets back I'll junction it."

"Squall, I'm not sure that's sensible. We need our Commander, you know. And however brave you are… "

"I can't let Rinoa die."

"Rinoa's not going to die."

"No, I said Risha, not Rinoa. You know, Risha, in the Infirmary? Hopefully still asleep?"

Irvine let that go. "We've made some progress, at least," he said. "And we can cope with one rogue Guardian. Remember that gooey slime Guardian we found in the temple in Trabia that time? We put that baby to rest."

Squall seemed to cheer up a little at the memory. "Yeah. Well, Zell did, really. It burned real well, didn't it?"

"Took him a fortnight to get the gunk out of his hair, though."

"And Seifer killed Odin."

"Which wasn't so good. But still, it proves my point."

"Why are we so powerful, Irvine? Do you ever wonder, how come we got so strong we can kill Guardians and live to tell the tale?"

"Of course. But… I figure it's because we have something they don't have. We work in teams, we like being around other people, we communicate real well…"

Squall managed a wry smile. "Speak for yourself."

"Well, maybe you've got some Guardian blood in you somewhere. The point is, they need us. Strength is more than being able to kick ass."

Squall conceded that point. "I just wish Rinoa was back so I could get that thing out of her head."

"Did Oceanus say anything else?"

"No. Only that it wants to be junctioned with Frila."

"Frila? Why?"

"It wants to redeem itself. I guess she's a bit like Risha."

Irvine couldn't get that one to add up: they were as different as a ruby dragon and a kitten as far as he was concerned. "How?"

"They're both cadets, both struggling a bit. Risha was expected to fail her test, you know."

"Oh? No, I didn't."

"Xu thought she would have to retake next year, she'd had some family problems, apparently. Anyway, I ought to go check on her, I guess." Squall handed his half-drunk coffee back to Irvine. "Thanks for the… um… whatever that was."

"I was thinking," Irvine said, "about Zell's birthday tomorrow."

"I got him a card," said Squall, quite proud. He wasn't usually good at things like remembering birthdays.

"We ought to help him celebrate. I know he wants to put the party off 'til the girls get back, but we could have a card game, at least? I might even let him win a few."

"OK. My quarters? You bring the … whatever you want to bring. Beer. Whatever. You're good at party stuff."

"Yeah. There is one thing…" I don't think Zell likes me any more…

"What?" Squall was starting to get impatient. He had a lot of things to process through his mind, and social events weren't top of his list.

"'S okay," Irvine picked up on his mood straight away. "Sorry. Just being… well, it doesn't matter. It'll wait. You go check on Risha. I'll tell Zell."

"Enjoy your reports," said Squall, as he left.

Irvine looked wearily at the pile of paper on his desk.

Unlikely, he thought, and reluctantly picked up his pen.

* * * * * * *

It was three in the morning when Irvine woke to the sound of his emergency pager beeping and Angelo barking.

He switched on the light and blinked at the scrolling message on his pager.

mary now Risha awake now Xu come to infir… mary now Risha awake now Xu come to infir… mary now Risha awake now Xu come to infir… mary now Risha awake now Xu come to infir…

He threw on his clothes and left his room at a run, junctioning Ether as he went.

* * * * * * *

"Xu! Risha! Is she OK?"

"She's… well, kind of."

"Have you called Squall?" Irvine strode towards Risha's cubicle, Xu running to keep up with him.

"He's on his way."

Risha was sitting up in bed, wide awake, staring at her hands. She was calm.

Calm?

"Risha," he said, quietly. "Risha, are you OK?"

She looked at him, but there was nothing in her eyes, no fear, no recognition, nothing.

"Risha?"

"Who am I?" no panic in her voice, just a question, as if she'd asked what the weather was like outside.

"She doesn't seem to be able to remember anything," said Xu. "Nothing at all."

Irvine sat on the bed, went to hold Risha's hands, but she pulled them away from him.

"Who are you?" she asked.

"I'm Irvine," he said. "You're Risha."

"Risha? No. I'm not Risha."

"You are, sweetheart. Trust me."

~ Ether? What's happened? ~

~ She remembers nothing. Her mind is empty. ~

~ Empty? Broken? ~

~ Not broken. She forgets. ~

~ Well, not broken, that's good. Isn't it? ~

Ether didn't reply. Guardians weren't too hot on concepts like good and bad.

~ Will she remember? Can we make her remember? ~

~ She is empty. There is nothing to remember. ~

~ Nothing at all? ~

Risha interrupted them. "Who am I?"

"You're Risha," said Irvine, patiently.

"No. Who are you?"

"I'm Irvine."

She shrugged. "Tired." She said. "Sleep?"

"Of course," said Irvine, soothingly. "You go to sleep. Get all the rest you need."

"Irvine!" Squall had arrived. "Is she OK, Xu?"

"Who are you?" said Risha.

Squall shot a confused look at Irvine.

"This is Squall, sweetheart. Your Commander. Don't worry about it for now. You lie down and go back to sleep."

She obediently slid under the covers and closed her eyes. Irvine pulled the quilt snug around her, stroked her hair back from her face.

"Irvine," asked Squall, quietly, "what's going on?"

"I don't know," he replied. "You and Xu go to the waiting area. I'll see you there in a minute."

They left the cubicle without a word, and Irvine kissed Risha very softly on her forehead.

"Rest, Risha," he whispered. "Rest." Then he went to join the others.

"She just woke up all of a sudden," Xu was saying. "Like that. Completely forgotten everything. I guess it's for the best, really."

Irvine looked incredulously at her. "For the best?" he hissed. "How can it possibly be for the best?"

Xu looked startled. "Because she was so afraid," she said. "Surely she's better now?"

"She's not even there," said Irvine, "she doesn't know who she is. Isn't it better to be afraid and alive than… not here at all?"

"Is that so?" said Xu, a hard edge to her voice. "Have you ever been afraid, Kinneas? I mean really afraid, so afraid you would do anything, anything to put an end to it? So afraid that you actually wanted to die so you wouldn't have to feel anymore?"

"Risha didn't want to die. She begged me to help her, and I promised I would. I could have made it better. Now… I don't know how to reach her at all. Or even if I can. So no, I don't think it's for the best."

They glared at each other.

"This isn't helping," said Squall. "I need to know what's happened. Irvine, what does Ether say?"

Irvine dragged his eyes down to the pile of magazines on the table in front of him, trying to recover his temper.

"It said her mind's empty. She can't remember anything. And it seemed to think she won't be able to, either, there's nothing left of her memories at all."

"Oh. How did that happen?"

"I didn't ask. Hang on…"

~ Ether? What happened to Risha to make her… forget? ~

~ Her mind was emptied. ~

~ How? Did someone do this to her? ~

~ There no way to know. I was not joined with her. ~

~ Oh. Fuck. Thank you. ~

~ Sniper. You are angry. ~

~ Yes. I am. ~

~ You are slow to anger. ~

~ Ether, where's this going? ~

~ Anger disturbs me. ~

~ I'm sorry, Ether. I'm human. You get the whole range of emotions with us, like it or not. I can't control how I feel. I'll unjunction if it bothers you. ~

~ No. I will stay. ~

~ Whatev… Um. OK. Thanks. ~

Irvine took a deep breath. He realised Squall and Xu were waiting, expectantly.

"Sorry," he said. "Ether was unusually chatty."

"And?" Squall asked, head on one side, watching Irvine curiously.

"It sounds as if something was done to her, to clear her mind," he said. "Ether doesn't know what."

"What could possibly do that?" said Xu. "Doesn't it have any idea?"

"No. Like I said. No idea."

"So it could have just been a natural psychological reaction," she said. "Kind of a way of dealing with the pain. System shut down."

"Well, I'm not a psychologist," said Irvine, "but I'm not sure it works that way. Or at least, if it did, everything would still be there, just repressed. Ether said she's empty."

"Maybe Ether got it wrong."

"What is it with you?" Irvine snapped, exasperated. "Why would Ether have got it wrong? If it said she's empty, that makes sense to me."

"That's enough," Squall's clear voice cut across their rising argument. "I'll ask the Doc for her opinion in the morning. Meanwhile, let's get some sleep."

"I can't sleep," said Xu, still furious. "I'm staying here." She looked accusingly at Irvine. "After all I have been here most of the past two days, watching her. You're not the only one who worried about her, you know."

"I never said… Xu, what's got into you?"

"Nothing. Just you and your stupid, male assumptions that you know what's going on in peoples' heads. You, always charging in to the rescue and never thinking long-term. Just you, Kinneas."

"But I do know what's going on in her head. Ether…"

"Oh I forgot about Ether. Of course. Like a Guardian would ever understand how someone might think or feel. It's not even human, you cretin. How can it possibly know what fear is?"

"It's what it does! It's an empath, of course it understands emotions!"

Xu snorted. "I'll believe that when I see it," she said, illogically.

"Xu, what the fuck is all this about? What have I done? Things were fine between us this afternoon, what happened?"

Xu pointed to Risha's cubicle.

"That happened. I thought you felt the same as me about her, I thought you understood her pain. She finally got some peace, and all you can do is harp on about how awful it is she's not around for you to fucking save anymore. Well, you can take your empathic Guardian and shove it up your stupid ass for all I care. She's better off not remembering anything. Now leave me alone. I'm staying here."

"What did you say?" Irvine's voice was low, dangerous.

"You heard me. You understand just two things in this world, Irvine Kinneas, killing things and fucking things, without much thinking of the consequences of either. So don't tell me you know what it's like to be so afraid you want to die!"

"That's enough!" Squall's icy glare stopped them both in their tracks. "You'll wake Risha, and I didn't come here at 3 in the morning to hear you two go at each other like a pair of berserk wendigos. Do what you feel you must, Xu. Just don't make yourself sick with overwork. Come on Irvine."

Irvine followed Squall out of the infirmary, his face like thunder.

* * * * * * *

Irvine dreamed, lying on his front, covers cast restlessly to the floor, arms clutching his pillow to his chest.

He was with Selphie, Seffie, his 'Elf, in the hotel room in Esthar. They lay in bed together, rain beating against the window; he held her in his arms, something so precious, so lovely he didn't think he really deserved her. He couldn't believe she was really there again, after so much time.

She nuzzled his neck, pushing her breasts against his side, making contented little noises in the back of her throat. He pulled her on top of him and kissed her, her skin so soft and warm against his. He stroked her chestnut hair back from her face, and she purred into their kiss. Then he was loving her so slow, so gentle, feeling her wrapped around him strong and sweet, cinnamon and strawberries; he felt the pleasure build inside him until…

"You bastard. How could you do that to me?" He was in another place, somewhere he didn't know; he was in SeeD uniform and Selphie was there, crying, he had hurt her, hurt her so, so badly… he wanted to explain, to tell her it didn't matter, it was a mistake, but she wouldn't listen. She was too hurt to listen. He had hurt her, his Seffie, his 'Elf…

And then he was in Zell's room, a bottle of brandy in his hand. Squall and Zell sat on either side of him, he'd been crying, but he had no tears left now, he just felt empty and gut-wrenchingly angry with himself. Zell gently prized the bottle from his hand, while Squall untied his hair, slipped his shirt over his shoulders… Zell took off his boots…

Afterwards Squall kissed away the tears that ran in rivulets down the sides of Irvine's face towards his ears, held him tight until the tide retreated and peace came.

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