Is There More?
Author: Knowhere
Chapter 5: Silent Consolation
Rating: Pg-13
Disclaimer: Nothing except the new fictional characters belongs to me.
AN: Thanks to those who reviewed my last several chapters; it is definitely the largest driving factor that keeps me sitting here in this chair typing away at my computer. The reviews that I received from the last chapter were pretty much what I was expecting; but I wanted to steer clear of the norm. Is Rory's boyfriend really cheating on her? Well, answers might not be provided in the direct manner in which you would like in this chapter, but I still think that this is very important in the development in Rory and Jess's relationship; which I know is what most of you have been wanting to read. I must say, this chapter was cranked out in less than an hour and it was very easy for me to write. I finally feel that this story is moving fluidly and I hope that you'll stick with it to see its result.
Summary: AU. College life is a journey of ups and downs; are Rory and Jess ready to take on what life is about to throw at them including a prospect of a new relationship, or will they choose the path of friendship like they did years ago? Literati.
My body is in full 'auto-pilot' mode as I quietly close my bedroom door behind me. Looking around my eyes settle on a little black shoe box; walking over to it, I open the lid and pull out its contents. I look through the movie stubs, the restaurant match boxes, and other various notes and paraphernalia that I've collected from the five months Tyler and I have been together. As I slowly examine every bit of memory that is stored in my shoe box, I wonder if this will soon become like my other ex-boyfriend boxes. There hasn't been many but I do remember ones from Dean and from Michael. Thinking about my Dean box, I recall that Mom had initially hid it from me, claiming that when I grew up I would want to look back upon my boxes. She was right; the day that we decided to call it quits because we realized that we wanted different things from life, I went through my box with a cup of coffee at my side, reading everything and remembering the little memories that they stored. Grabbing another shoebox from deep inside my closet I see the little post-it note that simply says, 'Michael.' My relationship with Michael was short and fairly intense; we had met late in my freshman year of college and when he transferred to a school in the mid-west, we abruptly ended. Silently I wonder if what I have with Tyler will end as hastily as the one with Michael did; however, I do find myself in a completely new situation. My relationships have always ended due to distances and/or the lack of passion that evident at first, but soon dwindled. Not knowing for sure that Tyler is actually betraying me, I try not to flip out like used to when I was younger. I decide that Tyler wouldn't purposely hurt me and that I should wait until he feels that it's necessary that we talk. I don't want to suddenly bring it up in a conversation one day as if I've been following him; but nonetheless, it doesn't ease the pain that I'm feeling now just because I've decided to deal with this in the most mature way that I know how.
Realizing that musing over old relationships won't get me anywhere with my current one, I decide to hop in the shower to wash away some of the tension. I step into the stall and turn the water's temperature up so that I might attempt to scald away my pain. Washing my hair felt like I was washing away a layer of my naivety. It was as if this pain will help me ascend to a further level of maturity and understanding of the world's grief. I'm just standing here in the shower letting the water run over my body as if it were personified as the ache washing away and into the drain. I sense that the water is running a bit cold and I don't even remember how long I've been standing here thinking. Shutting off the water I take a deep, calming breath and let it all out in a whoosh of silence. Putting on my pajamas and brushing my teeth, I try to steer my mind away from the thoughts that are drawing me into a pit of sorrow.
I climb softly on my bed wanting nothing but the relief that sleep might bring me; an escape into a dreamland that will fly me away from what I'm experiencing now. Suddenly, I can't control my emotions. Tears are hot in my throat and their pushing the boundaries of my eyes; I don't want to allow them to fall. It would mean that I've let myself fall into this anguish because I willingly opened my heart to another. I brush my tears away, but I feel like I can't wipe them off fast enough; they're streaming down my face as my body is shaking from my sobs. I remember someone saying a while ago that the silent tears are the worst because it's like your heart wants one emotion, but your will wants the other. My heart is aching but my logical side is demanding that I stop these tears over a boy.
Unexpectedly, my head fills with the questions that I never wanted to ask myself. Did I do something wrong? Was I moving too fast; did it push him away? Was I not good enough for him? I vowed to myself many years ago that I would never ask these questions because they were irrelevant. My rational brain knew that I've done nothing wrong and it was him that has stepped outside of our relationship; but that doesn't stop me from sitting here in my bed asking those very same heart breaking questions.
I hear a soft knocking on my door, and fearing that Jess will see me shattered, I slip back under the covers and turn my back towards the door pretending to be asleep. However, my attempts to silently push Jess away are fruitless; my door is opening slowly and I can hear the creak of him walking across the wooden floor. Taking several deep breaths I want to calm my shaking body from his view; I don't want to explain what's happening just yet. I can barely comprehend myself, how can I tell Jess what has happened? I'm torn between two choices as I hear his even breathing behind me; should I just ask him to stay and comfort me or should I push him away so that I might cry in peace? With my eyes darting back and forth trying to come up with a decision, I get the impression that Jess doesn't need my approval or my words. Without asking me a single question, he has climbed into bed with me and has scooted closer to my side. He wraps his arms around me and secures my back to his chest as he kisses my hair and reaches for my hand. As he finds his destination in my palm, the reality of everything has hit me like a hurricane. More tears are falling down my face and although I don't have the courage to turn around and look at Jess, he pulls me closer to him and whispers the only words that I want to hear at this moment in time, "I'm here Ror."
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Sunlight is harassing my swollen eyes as I roll onto my other side in attempt to shield myself from the cheery assault. Turning to my left side I'm greeted with the sight of a sleeping Jess; I notice that his arms have not loosen from the hours of sleep, and instead of turning to his side of the bed, he has actually scooted closer to me. Snuggling my face into his chest I wonder how I'm going to explain all of this to him; how do I tell him that the reason I was crying was because of a guy that I thought was near perfect? Knowing that Jess is going to feel responsible since he set us up, I rack my brain trying to come up with a reasonable excuse.
Taking in my change of position, I can tell that he's beginning to wake up and he ducks his head down to see if I'm up. Smiling, he presses a gentle kiss on my forehead and he wordlessly climbs out of bed and saunters into the kitchen. Sitting up alone in my bedroom, I meditate on my next choice of action. Am I going to wallow or will I brush it off like last night never happened? I settle on a nice place in the middle of wallowing and forgetting and shove my feet into my bunny slippers and meander into the kitchen where I can see that Jess is getting out the Bisquick mix.
Pouring myself a cup of coffee that is freshly brewed, not a word is spoken between the two of us and neither attempts to break the silence. I don't want to discuss anything and he can feel that this isn't a time for teasing or for provoking me into a debate.
I sit down on the petite dining table for two and my eyes follow him around the kitchen as he prepares us pancakes for breakfast. Finally, after about fifteen minutes, a plate of steaming hot-cakes is placed in front of me along with a bottle of syrup and a tub of butter. Without an exchange of words we dig in and I can tell by the look on his face that he has gone into his protective mode. After all these years I've come to detect that whenever I'm sad, Jess goes into a phase in which he says very little, and shows his affection for me in his silence. I briefly wonder how long he's going to be in this phase, and at the same time I wonder long I'll be in this situation. Cutting into my second pancake, I reach over and take his hand into mine and whisper all that is needed. Gazing back at me he murmurs, "You're welcome."
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It's been two days and I can't ever recall a time in our friendship in which so little words were spoken. Without knowing my particular problem, Jess doesn't quite know the exact words to comfort me; and I still don't feel up to telling him without any word from Tyler. Everything has changed in the way that Jess approaches our friendship; he's more attentive to my needs and every night he slips into my room and we fall asleep together.
Five days have passed without a call from Tyler and I'm beginning to wonder if I should make the first move. My musing on him is interrupted as I pick up the ringing phone and ask who it is. "Rory? It's me."
Tyler. The moment has come make or break our relationship.
AN: I know that the dialogue was slim to none in this chapter, but I didn't feel like I could properly convey what Rory is feeling in conversation; I wanted her to 'tell' you what she was going through. Although Rory has reason to be extremely upset, I don't want you to walk away from this chapter thinking that she will become depressed. In this AU, Rory hasn't had much dating experience and when she fell, she fell hard. However, before you begin to gather up the rocks to stone me, or Tyler, for the pain that Rory's going through, there will be an explanation and it might not be the one that you were expecting. Please keep reading and have faith that I know the exact destination to where this story will arrive. Thanks.