Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks.

Edited for the more graphic smut, including slash: if you're legal and you like smutty bits see www.scribblemoose.co.uk for the full version.

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Chapter 14 – Confession

Frila paced the empty training hall at 6.30 in the morning, gunblade slung over one shoulder, looking at the ageing posters on the wall. They showed all the basic stances and moves, how to time shot and slash… she should probably know them by heart, but somehow she'd not paid that much attention to them before. She was surprised by how nervous that thought made her.

I really hope I don't fuck up this time.

The doors swung open and Squall strode in.

"Commander." She saluted.

"Frila. You're here, then?"

"Yes. Bright and early, all new leafy. Sir."

"Good. You got your timetable?"

"Yep. It's … extensive. Sir."

"OK, you can drop the Sir. If I remember right, you've got GF training with Instructor Dincht after breakfast?"

She nodded.

"Well, you may as well take a Guardian with you then."

A broad smile spread over her face.

"Oceanus?"

He nodded. "You made quite an impression on it. But this time we'll run through a few of the basics first. "He took off his gloves." Put your gunblade down and give me your hands."

She did as he asked. They joined hands, interlacing fingers; his hands were cool, surprisingly slender, fingers long and sensitive.

"You'll need to call it. They don't junction unasked. Try to be polite, they do deserve our respect."

"What should I say? How do I… talk to it?"

"Just like you did yesterday when it was in your head. Just ask it to come to you."

"OK." She took a deep breath.

~ Oceanus? ~

~ Child? ~

~ Will you… come to me? ~

~ I would be honoured, Child. ~

Risha felt the rush of power up her arms and into her head, suffusing her whole body with strength and energy. She fought the urge to laugh with the pleasure of it.

"Feels good, huh?"

She nodded. "It didn't hurt at all. Why did it hurt last time?"

"You go into a kind of shock the first time, because it has to fit into your mind, I think. It varies a lot. Now you need to tell it what you want. It can channel its power in different ways, into magic, to give you strength, speed up your reactions. You'll need to try different things out to see how it works, Instructor Dincht will help you with that. For now just leave it to Oceanus. Ask it to strengthen you for battle, and it'll work it out for you. You're lucky, you've got one of the most experienced Guardians I've ever come across."

"So I just… ask it?"

"That's right."

~ Oceanus… please… strengthen me for battle? ~

~ It is done, Child. ~

"Can I stop it calling me child? Doesn't it know my real name?"

"They make up their own names for us. Sometimes it's similar to your real one, sometimes not. But all the Guardians you junction will call you the same thing. You get used to it."

"Great. It could be wearing thin by the time I reach retirement, though. What do we do now? Exercises?"

Squall shook his head. "You can do that with your instructors. They'll put you through all the drills you need, teach you the skills. With me," he handed her her gunblade, "you learn to fight."

Over the next hour Frila came to understand in painful detail exactly what that meant. Squall sparred ruthlessly; she only knew he was holding back because she was still alive at the end of it. She paid for every mistake, not by being corrected, or told off even, but by having her vulnerability laid raw in front of her. She lost count of the times that she found herself facing the deadly edge of his blade, or losing her balance and falling at his feet. He never once helped her up, or encouraged her, just stood back and waited, then picked up exactly where they left off before she made the error, like resetting a battle in a computer game. Forcing her to make the same mistakes over and over until she found a way to overcome them. If she could. If she let her concentration slip for as much as second his steely eyes were on her; he goaded her brutally, no patience for excuses or explanations.

By the end of an hour she was exhausted, sweaty and hated him with a passion. She stood, panting, back against the wall, trying to catch her breath.

"Well done," he said, "same time tomorrow, then. Work on your feet, you keep falling over."

If she'd had the energy she might have stormed out of the hall and never come back.

Then he smiled at her, almost shyly, eyes half covered with his messy hair.

"Did I really suck my first time out as a teacher?"

She stared incredulously at him for a moment, then burst out laughing, almost hysterically, and slid slowly down the wall, dropping her gunblade.

"Are you OK?" He looked positively alarmed. "Did I kick your ass too much?"

"Yes," she gasped. "Yes, you really did. But," she accepted the hand he offered to pull her to her feet, "I guess it did me good." She wiped her sweaty forehead with the back of her hand, hooking a few escaped strands of hair behind her ears.

"Tomorrow, then?"

She nodded, suddenly realising that she was already looking forward to it, despite the way her body ached, her arm protesting as she picked up her blade. And it wasn't even time for breakfast yet. "Tomorrow."

Squall made to leave, turning round just as he reached the door. "By the way," he said, "you did do really well. I was right. You're going to be a great gunblader. Just don't give up, OK?"

She swallowed hard, a lump in her throat. "Promise," she said. And meant it.

* * * * * * *

"What's the deal with this Guardian then?" Selphie skipped along next to Quistis and Rinoa, the happy movement looking somehow incongruous with the head-to-foot black clothing she was wearing for camouflage purposes.

"I don't know, you demented Ninja," said Rinoa. "Can't you stop skipping? We are going into a dangerous situation, you know."

Selphie shrugged. "Don't see what that's got to do with it," she said. "I'm happy. We're not even there yet. And it's Zell's birthday. I owe him a skip."

Rinoa and Quistis shook their heads at each other. "There's no hope, is there?" said Rinoa.

"Not in our lifetime," said Quistis. "Oh. There it is. Look, by that dune."

"We're in the desert, Quis, there's lots of… oh yeah, I see it."

"It's not a very big grate," complained Selphie. "Good thing we didn't bring the boys."

"I think that's kind of the idea," said Rinoa. "We're small enough to go places they can't."

"I'm glad one of you was listening at the briefing," muttered Quistis. Then "watch, out, Jelleye on the left."

Rinoa span and tossed her pinwheel almost negligently at the creature.

It fell dead onto the sand.

"It's hot," said Selphie, lowering her unneeded nunchaka. "I'm hot."

"That's what you get for the skipping," said Quistis. "Come on, Selph, focus, please?"

"I am focused. Just show me what you need me to blow up and…" catching the disapproval on Quistis' face, Selphie stopped. "Sorry, Quis. I'm a bit overexcited, is all. It's just so much fun to be out on a mission again."

"Yes, I know what you mean," agreed Quistis. "Now, come on. All we have to do is put a probe in this tunnel and then go back to the hotel and monitor it. If we're convinced it's really abandoned after that, you two are down there tomorrow."

"At least it's not a sewer," said Selphie. "I hate sewers." She started to sing under her breath "I hate sewers, they're very stinky… they send me down sewers 'cos I'm dinky…"

"Gods preserve us," said Quistis. "Look out for me, Rinoa? I'll go have a look through the grate."

Rinoa nodded.

"Are we having a party tonight?" said Selphie. "We ought to do something for Zell's birthday, even if he's stuck in Balamb."

"I think we could talk Quistis into letting us have a bottle of wine and some munchies in the hotel," said Rinoa.

"That sounds good," said Selphie, "kinda like a sleepover. Oh, Jelleye, incoming."

Rinoa shot a ball of ice at it and it froze, hit the ground and shattered. "Thanks."

"You'd better ask her, though," Selphie was searching through her pockets, "she's not very happy with me this morning, is she?… ah. Lollipop?" Selphie offered Rinoa the contents of a crumpled paper bag.

"No thanks, I'm supposed to be on guard."

Selphie shrugged and stuck a lolly in her mouth, twirling the stick between her teeth.

"I dobnt dow what de's do mad abouth." She said.

"I think this mission means a lot to her. After all, she's not been on one for ages and… oh, hang on, here she comes."

"Delleye, ober dere," Selphie pointed over Rinoa's shoulder.

Another Jelleye bit the dust.

"Selphie, take that out of your mouth," said Quistis, "now."

"Sorry Quis."

"The entrance looks fine, should be OK to go down. You ready?"

"Sure," said Rinoa. Selphie nodded.

"OK, let's go. Oh, Rin, on your left, Jell…. Oh, you got it. Good."

Rinoa grinned. "Quistis, we were wondering… you know it's Zell's birthday today… "

"Yes. I thought maybe we could have a bit of a celebration tonight, bottle of wine, popcorn, maybe some chocolate if they have such a thing round here…"

"That's a great idea!" said Selphie. "Thanks, Quis!"

"Well," said Quistis, "even I like to let my hair down sometimes, you know."

Rinoa hooked her arm through Quistis'. "That's really cool, Quis."

"Yes. Um, Rinoa…"

"Uhuh?"

"We are about to go down a stinky tunnel, you know, not the mall."

"Sorry." Rinoa withdrew her arm. "Forgot. Oh, look, Jelleye!"

This time she hit it with earth magic, squishing it into several blobs. Which splooshed messily over the grate and dripped into the tunnel they were about to enter.

"Oh, great," said Selphie. "Geddit? Great, grate…"

Quistis rolled her eyes skywards. At this rate they would be lucky to get the probe planted, never mind launch a major surveillance operation.

She hadn't felt happier in months.

* * * * * * *

"Hey Man," Zell stuck his head round Irvine's door. "You ready?"

"Sure." Irvine opened his desk drawer and put away some piece of paper he'd been looking at. "Happy birthday, by the way. I… um… got you this." He offered Zell a small package. "It's not much, but it'll make tonight worth bothering about, anyhow."

"Thanks, man, you didn't have to… wow. Cards. Krysta, Oilboyle… hang on, what's this? Fuck, Doomtrain! I thought Squall had the only one!"

Irvine grinned. "He used to."

"You won it off him? Hyne, I bet he was mad. You know he wants to collect all the Guardians?"

"Yep. Don't loose it back to him, eh?"

"I'll try not to. Thanks, Irvine. It's really generous of you."

Irvine shrugged. "Glad you like them. Shall we go?"

"Sure. Oh, there was… about the other day. When we were waiting for Rinoa."

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry I was pissed with you. It wasn't your fault, I was mad at myself more than anything."

"Oh. That's OK. I know I can be an annoying shit sometimes." At least, people have been yelling at me a lot lately so I guess I must be.

"It's just… I shouldn't have told her to fight that T-Rex without magic, and I was jealous of… I saw you kissing her. In the quad."

"Oh. I see. The thing about that is…"

Zell held up his hand, "no need. It's cool. I've done a lot of thinking over the past coupla days and I think you're maybe right. I've been working too hard and… I need to find the fun."

Irvine felt relief wash over him. Of course, that was Zell all over. Impulsive, act first, think later. He should have guessed Zell wouldn't stay mad at him for long.

"There's nothing between me and Rin. We're just friends. It was a crazy day, Rin's graduation. And it turned out right, Squall and Rin are an item, I learned my lesson…"

"Yeah, right," Zell laughed. "Like Irvine Kinneas ever learns his lesson where women are concerned!"

An image of Frila, lying on his bed and telling him her virginity didn't matter, popped into Irvine's head. He's right. I never learn.

"Come on cowboy. Let's go play cards," said Zell. "I wonder what the girls are doing now, he added, wistfully.

Irvine picked up his keys and a bag full of clinking bottles. "I expect Quistis has got them all tucked up in bed and asleep so they're ready for tomorrow," he said. "Either that or they're writing endless field reports. Gotta feel sorry for 'em, really."

"Yeah," said Zell. "Makes me glad to be left behind."

* * * * * * *

"And then," said Selphie, waving her glass around for dramatic emphasis, "he fell off the chocobo and landed on his arse, right in front of the whole Garden!"

"You're kidding!" squealed Quistis. "And to think I slept with him!"

"Does he still have that weird tattoo on his back? The one that looks like a squished bitebug?"

Quistis nodded, trying not to splutter her mouthful of wine out in a fit of giggles. She swallowed hard. "He showed it to me, he was so proud of it."

"And the piercing?"

Quistis' eyes widened. "What??!"

"Oh, must have gone then," Selphie drained her glass and reached for the wine bottle to refill it. "Believe me, you'd have noticed."

"Where…"

"Ha! Got you worried!"

"Selphie, you bitch! You were winding me up on purpose!"

"Only a bit," said Selphie, grinning. "The chocobo story was true, though." She shuffled back on her bed so she could lean against the wall, and passed the bottle to Rinoa.

"Do you regret it then, Quis?" asked Rinoa, passing the bottle straight to Quistis, who grabbed it enthusiastically. "Sleeping with him, I mean. On a scale of 1 to 10?"

"Oh, not really. Maybe a score of 2 on the regret front. The sex was quite good. Well, OK anyway." The sober part of Quistis' brain was trying to tell her she shouldn't be telling anyone about this, but lost out to the tipsy part, which was really enjoying some female bonding and didn't care. "Let's face it, it was sex. Of which poor Quisty doesn't usually get much."

"Oh, Quis, that's not fair," said Rinoa. "You deserve lots and lots. With lovely men."

"Thank you, Rinonan… ona," said Quistis. "You're a real friend."

"You too," said Rinoa, with a little smile. Quistis really letting her hair down was a welcome and unexpected result of their celebration in Zell's honour.

"Okaay," said Selphie. "So, Rinoa. Your turn."

"Oh, gods, do I have to?"

"Of course you do. Come on, who do you want to ask the questions, me or Quis?"

Great choice. Very drunk Quistis or very wicked Selphie. This can't end well.

"Quistis," said Rinoa, hoping that Quistis was either too far gone to ask anything awkward, or still in enough control of herself to refrain from sensitive topics.

"Oh, goody," said Quistis. "OK, you draw first. I call fire and water."

"I'll take ice and earth," said Rinoa. "Anything else is a draw, right? No questions?"

"Or one each," added Selphie.

"Right." Rinoa looked at the pile of cards on the bed in front of them, willing herself to draw a winner. She flipped over a small stack. "Oh, fuck. Ifrit."

"Fire!" yelled Quistis. "Plus, Guardian! That means you have to answer three questions!"

"But," added Selphie, "you get to keep the card if we're happy with your answers. And," as if Rinoa needed reminding, "that's gotta be the card Squall most wants in the whole world."

"Oh crap," Rinoa reached for the wine bottle, resigned to her fate.

"Goody!" Quistis clapped her hands. "I get to ask!"

"Go on then," said Rinoa. "I know what you're going to ask."

"Betcha don't."

Rinoa tipped her head to one side. "Really?"

"I'm going to ask…" Quistis paused, building the tension a little, "does Squall have any piercings?"

"Oh Quisty!" exclaimed Selphie, "that is sooo lame!"

Rinoa grinned. "Yes," she said.

"Where?"

"Quisty, no! That's another question!"

"In his ear," said Rinoa, triumphantly.

"Anywhere el…" Selphie cut Quistis off, clapping a hand over her mouth. She whispered urgently in her ear. "Oh, I see," murmured Quistis conspiratorially. "I hadn't thought of that."

Rinoa glared at Selphie.

"My third question," said Quistis carefully, "is this. Um… hang on a minute…" she had a short whispered conference with an animated Selphie."

"Guys! That's cheating!" protested Rinoa. "It's Quisty's question, not yours Selph!"

"Sorry Rinonanona," said Quistis. "My third question is, " Selphie prodded her in the ribs, "oh, yes, my third question, which requires a full response, no numerical ratings or one word replies allowed, my third question is… what's Squall like in bed?"

Rinoa screamed and hit Selphie with a pillow. "No fair! You put her up to it!"

"Aw, c'mon, Rin," wheedled Selphie, "this is for my Ifrit card. Think of how much it'll mean to Squall if you take this little baby home for him."

Rinoa considered. "Think how much he'll kill me if he ever finds out I was talking about him like this," she pointed out.

"We'll never tell," promised Selphie, "this is just us girls. Isn't that right, Quis?"

"Cross my heart," said Quistis, almost seriously. "I mean, I 'fessed up, didn't I, about Graduation night. And my man with the silly bitebug tattoo. I don't know what you're worried about, Squall is gorgeous, after all. Not embarrassing at all."

"And Ifrit, Rin," tempted Selphie, "I mean, Ifrit. Squall's very own favourite Guardian's card. How can you refuse?"

Rinoa looked from one pleading face to the other. "Oh, alright," she said. "He's great in bed."

"Uhuh," Selphie waggled her finger disapprovingly. "No one-worders. We want a frank and girly account. With examples and, if necessary," she winked at Rinoa, "diagrams."

Rinoa looked longingly at the Ifrit card in front of her.

"He's… hot, really, really hot. I don't think he knows how hot he is. He's intense and…"

"Yes, yes, we know that," said Quistis dismissively. "But what's he fuck like?"

Selphie and Rinoa turned to look at Quistis in surprise.

"What?" she said innocently, in the face of their startled expressions.

"Um… nothing," said Rinoa. "Not used to the more… direct Quistis, I guess."

Quistis shrugged. "Just being clear," she said, with a wave of her hand. "Not a problem," she added, for no apparent reason.

"Well, what do you want to know?" asked Rinoa, cautiously.

"How about you tell us about the first time you did it," suggested Selphie. "In the closet at your graduation, wasn't it?"

Rinoa shook her head.

"After that? The night before we came here?"

She shook her head again. "Before," she said. "In the Fire Cavern, after my test."

Selphie squealed with delight. "WOOHOO! Go Rinoa!"

"Yes," said Quistis, "woohoo. Is there more wine, Selph… oh yes, here it is…"

"Now," Selphie sidled up to Rinoa and put an arm around her shoulders. "Let's start at the beginning, shall we? And make sure you don't leave anything out…"

* * * * * * *

"Come on Squall. It's my birthday. You're not drinking fast enough."

"Leave me alone," protested Squall, mildly, "I've got responsibilities."

Zell pulled a face. "It won't hurt just once for you to have a good time," he said. "I'm not asking you to get paralytic. Just loosen up a little. Enjoy yourself."

Squall looked to Irvine for a bit of back up, but none was forthcoming. His friend simply passed him another beer. "Just drink, Squall. You know he won't give up."

Squall sighed. "I'm going to regret this in the morning," he said.

"You can always cure yourself," said Zell. "After all, the Quistis police isn't here."

"And we won't let you do anything you might regret," said Irvine.

Squall gave Irvine a look that left him without a shred of a doubt that Squall in no way trusted him to live up to that promise.

"What you would regret, and what I would regret, are very different things," he said, darkly.

Irvine grinned, hooking one leg over the arm of his chair. "Just drink your beer, Commander," he said. "And let's play cards."

* * * * * * *

"I can't believe you did that, Rin," exclaimed Selphie in delight. "Right in the middle of the Fire Cavern? You just leapt on him and shagged him?"

Rinoa nodded, with a smile.

"How come you didn't fall over?" frowned Quistis.

Rinoa shrugged. "Just good balance, I guess. And working out every day for three years. And we did kind of fall over, afterwards."

"So?" Selphie asked, her head on one side, "how was it? Was he good?"

"He was perfect," grinned Rinoa. "It was just the best. I suppose it was bound to be, because it was Squall, and I'd wanted him for the longest time, but as well as that, I'd not realised how much I missed sex. Until I kissed Irvine, I think. That made me so damn horny, maybe I realised if I didn't get Squall soon I was going to go crazy with lust and do something foolish."

"Irvine has that effect on people," said Selphie, a somewhat wistful look in her eyes.

"Mmm," said Rinoa.

"Yep," said Quistis.

"You're kidding!" Riona and Selphie said in unison.

"What, so I'm supposed to be immune to him, is that it? Just because I'm Quistis. That's so unfair."

"No," said Rinoa, soothingly, "not at all. Just… I never knew he was your type."

"Well, of course he isn't," said Quistis. "Not my type. I just look at him sometimes and… want to rip all his clothes off and jump his bones, is all."

"Good gods, Quistis."

"So why haven't you bagged him yet, Selphie?" Quistis asked. "I mean, he's been throwing himself at you for years. What're you making him wait for?"

Selphie hesitated for a moment. "I'm not," she said. "It's not going to happen."

"What?" cried Quistis in surprise. Rinoa kept quiet, watching Selphie carefully.

"I don't want him," she said. "Not in that way."

"Why in Hyne's name not?" said Quistis. "You've been flirting practically since the day you met."

"I know. It's just… he's cool with it, and everything. I just don't want a relationship with him, not like that."

"But he loves you!" exclaimed Quistis, dramatically. "It's tragic!"

"Hardly," said Selphie. "Like I said, he's cool about it. No tragedy. Just one of those things. Come on, you said yourself he wasn't your type. He's just not mine, either."

Quistis didn't answer. There was a pause.

"Selph," said Rinoa, "you've got someone else, haven't you?"

"What? No of course not," Selphie looked suspiciously guilty.

"Then who gave you that hickie?"

"Oh." Selphie clapped her hand over her neck. She'd forgotten about that.

"I don't feel well," announced Quistis.

"Uhoh," said Rinoa. She slithered off Selphie's bed, pulling Quistis to her feet. "Shall we go to the bathroom?"

Selphie let out her breath slowly. Narrow escape.

Quistis was looking very pale and a little green. She managed to stand for a moment, then collapsed forwards onto Rinoa's bed. "There's Elixir in my bag," said Quistis into the bedclothes, "make me feel better."

Selphie and Rinoa exchanged glances.

"She does have to be in charge tomorrow," said Rinoa. "She'll need her wits about her."

Selphie nodded. "All the same, Elixir… hang on," she paused for a moment as she junctioned Tonberry. ~Esuna~

Quistis blinked as the magic washed over her. "Wha…"

~Cura~

"No! No, not a … Selphie, what d'you do that for?"

"I didn't want you throwing up on Rin's bed," said Selphie, "or mine, for that matter. You got a bit pissed, Quistis."

Quistis looked mortified, suddenly and appallingly sober. "How long have we been here? What time is it? I don't remember much after the … second bottle…"

Rinoa checked her watch. "Well, we came back from dinner at eight, and it's two-twenty in the morning now," she said.

"Oh fuck," said Quistis. "We've got to go to bed. We have a mission tomorrow. I'm so sorry," said Quistis. "I don't usually…"

"It's OK," said Rinoa. "Don't fret, Quis. Just get yourself off to bed."

Quistis got up. "You mustn't stay up too late," she said. "It's really important, tomorrow and…" she collected her bag and sweater from the end of Selphie's bed, "oh, I'm so sorry. I feel such an idiot."

"Just go to bed, Quis. It'll be fine," soothed Selphie, yawning.

"Well," Quistis opened the door, "alright then. Goodnight."

"'Night Quisty."

As soon as she'd gone Rinoa and Selphie collapsed in fits of giggles.

* * * * * * *

"Two girls and a guy?" Zell stared at Irvine. "You are such a slut."

"What did you do with the cucumber?" asked Squall, frowning through his fringe.

"That's a secret I'll take to the grave," said Irvine. "Except to say: it was more fun than you would think."

"I feel really pathetic and boring," said Zell, "I haven't done anything like that at all. I'm not sure I could handle more than one person at a time."

"Don't knock it 'til you've tried it," said Irvine. "After all, it's just pleasure." He gave Zell one of his most seductive looks, just so he could enjoy the look of panic that crossed his face before he realised he was being teased.

"What about you, Squall?" Zell asked, looking for a bit of support.

"What about what?"

"Have you ever done anything… unusual?"

Squall shrugged. "Depends what you think of as unusual," he said enigmatically.

This was more of a titbit than Zell was expecting. He grinned at Irvine.

"Okay," said Irvine. "You tell us what you've done, and we'll tell you if it's unusual."

Squall looked alarmed, as if he'd just realised he'd been tempted into a particularly deadly trap.

"Oh, nothing," he said. "Is there any more beer?"

Zell and Irvine both passed him another bottle.

"Thanks," said Squall. "What?" realising they were looking expectantly at him.

"Come on," said Zell. "You can't tease us like that."

"It's just… you know. Stuff." He knew they weren't going to leave him alone. He poured a generous slug of beer down his throat. "I did have two girls at once, one time. Seifer dared me. I could never say no to Seifer."

It took him a while to realise why this convulsed Irvine and Zell with laughter.

He silenced them with a look.

"Sorry," said Zell. "Go on."

"That was it, really."

"What was it like?" Zell persisted.

"It was good. Fun. In an empty, silly sort of way."

"I had no idea," said Zell. "I always thought you were… well, alone."

"I was. It was never relationships. Just sex."

Irvine watched him from under his long lashes, silent.

"And that was years ago? Before…"

"Yeah. Back in the days when Seifer and I used to beat each other up without actually trying to kill each other. I suppose I always envied how well he got along with women, so I really did it more for the challenge than anything. Gods, I was a bastard back then." He gulped at his beer. "But the sex was good. After that there was Ultimecia, and Rinoa, and it all got more complicated."

"As far as you remember," said Zell. "That's always the bummer, isn't it? I mean, I wonder sometimes, those years before we found out what Guardians do to your memories, what if there's stuff we still haven't remembered?"

"I think most of it comes back," said Irvine. "Like… if you come across a place, or a certain smell or taste… sometimes a dream…"

"Yeah," said Zell. "When I remembered Ma adopting me, it happened like that."

"Gods, I hope not, the dreams I've been having lately."

Squall realised he'd thought that aloud. Bollocks. Just when they were leaving me alone. Why do I drink when I know it opens my mouth too much?

Irvine and Zell waited, expectantly.

"It's just dreams," said Squall. "They don't mean anything."

"What kind of dreams? Gross dreams? Cool dreams?"

"Um… kind of hot, really. Fooling around sort of dreams. Only, not the sort of thing I'd usually do. With… people I wouldn't normally… um."

"Anyone in particular?" asked Irvine, casually.

Squall's eyes met his briefly, then flickered down to the table.

"No," he lied.

"What sort of things?" asked Zell.

"I really don't want to talk about this," said Squall. "Can we drop it?"

"Sorry," said Zell. "Only… just curious."

"It's no big deal," said Irvine. "Most people have weird dreams of one kind or another." Squall felt Irvine's violet eyes watching him with a disturbing intensity. He concentrated on peeling the label off his beer bottle, head down so that as much of his hair as possible fell across his face.

"I have that kind of dream all the time," said Zell. "Let's face it, it's the only sex life I have at the moment," he added, sadly. "Which isn't surprising. The only women I ever meet are either completely uninterested in me or students."

"Is it the end of the world?" Irvine couldn't help asking, "if you shag one of your students?"

"Oh yes," said Zell. "Xu would sack me, for sure. And anyhow, it's not a good idea. The age gap, first off, and… it's a trust thing, isn't it?"

"I guess," said Irvine. "Still, it must be tempting, sometimes?"

"Not really. You just don't see them that way. Wouldn't be right, really."

"What if you weren't an instructor?" Irvine regretted the words as soon as he'd uttered them, scared of giving too much away, but Zell didn't notice anything untoward.

"Still the same rules, isn't it? That would be the 'don't let Dincht get laid' rule. And 'sides, I like teaching."

"More than sex?" teased Irvine.

Zell gave him a look. "Can't you say reassuring things instead, like 'oh, sex isn't everything?', or 'you're right, you should concentrate on your career first'?"

"We wouldn't lie to you," said Irvine.

"Sex is damn fine," said Squall, straight faced.

"You guys are no help," Zell shook his head sadly.

"Seeing as it's your birthday," said Irvine, "I tell you what. As soon as this thing with the Dia is sorted out, I'll take you to Galbadia for a weekend on the pull. It'll change your world view, I promise."

"If you're not too old by then," said Squall glumly. "It's taking for ever to get to the bottom of those fucking crystals, and Risha and Gemini Pandora and…."

"Nonononono!" Zell interrupted him. "No work. Not tonight. We promised."

"Too right," said Irvine. "Shut up, Squall, or we'll start asking you about your dreams again."

"We're supposed to be playing cards," said Zell. "Irvine just beat me so he gets to play you next."

Squall raised his head, a steely glint in his eyes and a dangerous smile on his lips.

"Oh yes, I'd almost forgotten. We have some unfinished business, don't we?"

"Do we?" asked Irvine mildly.

"Doomtrain," Squall growled.

~Yes, Lionhart?~

Squall nearly fell off his chair.

~No, sorry, I didn't mean… I don't need you. Thanks.~

~As you wish.~

He focused back on the outside world to see Irvine smirking at him.

"You junctioned by mistake, didn't you?" he chuckled.

"Shut up, Kinneas," snarled Squall, "I've got a card game to win."

* * * * * * *

Rinoa lay in bed, listening to the regular sound of Selphie's breathing from across the room. The moonlight was casting unfamiliar patterns over the ceiling, shimmering as the gauze curtain moved in the breeze.

She considered getting out of bed and going for a walk, but she didn't want to wake Selphie. They'd get little enough sleep as it was. She turned onto her side, wishing Angelo was there to comfort her. Or Squall…

Her longing came in a rush, as though concentrated by fact that she'd been too busy to miss him until now. The memory of lying in his arms the night before last, the smell of his hair, the warmth of his body next to hers…

And what if? What if I don't come back? What if he was right about Gemini, and it's dangerous even if I don't junction? Or what if something happens to him while I'm away? She started to cry, hating herself for the weakness, but unable to shake herself out of gloomy self-pity.

The bed dipped as Selphie sat on it.

"You OK, Rin?"

Rinoa looked up at her, eyes bleary with tears. "I'm OK," she said, in a small voice. "Just… oh, I don't know."

"Move over," said Selphie, pulling back the covers, "it's cold out here."

Rinoa obediently shuffled over to let Selphie in. The sheets were cold on the other side of the bed, but Selphie's body was reassuringly warm, and the enormous old T-shirt she wore was soft and comforting. They lay facing each other, Selphie's arm pleasantly heavy across her waist. "I'm sorry if I woke you up, Selph," she said.

"I wasn't asleep," said Selphie. "What's up?"

"Just stupid thoughts," said Rinoa. "I woke up, with this strangest feeling that I wouldn't be going back to Garden. After the mission."

"You're just tired, sweatpea. Don't worry."

"And I miss Angelo, and Squall."

"I know."

"I'm being a real wimp, aren't I?"

"No. You're just human. I bet Angelo and Squall are missing you, too. And Irvine, and Zell. We're not apart very often, are we? And it always feels wrong when we are."

"Do you ever wonder what it would be like if one of us… didn't come back?"

"No," said Selphie. "Because it ain't gonna happen." She kissed Rinoa's forehead. "Now stop thinking like that. Think of something nice. Like… what you're gonna do to Squall when you get back."

Rinoa gave a little chuckle. "I can think of a thing or two," she said.

"Good. Just keep thinking those thoughts, and the other kind will go away."

"What about you?"

"I don't think I should be thinking about Squall, do you?"

"No, probably not. But you are thinking of someone, aren't you? I was right, before?"

There was a pause.

"Yes," she whispered.

Rinoa could just about make out the expression on Selphie's face in the moonlight. Confessional. Worried, even. Strangely serious, for Selphie.

"Who is it, Selph? Why haven't you said anything?"

"It's complicated."

Rinoa laughed softly. "Isn't it always?" She reached out a hand, stroked Selphie's hair. "You can tell me, Selph. Let me help."

"It's Xu."

"What about Xu?"

"No, I mean it is Xu. The person," she took a deep breath, "my lover." My sweetheart.

Rinoa's fingers paused for a moment in their stroking, then continued.

"Oh."

"You're not going to freak on me, are you Rin?"

"Of course not, silly. It's just … unexpected, is all. I mean, all the stuff with Irvine and… I had no idea you were gay. And I thought I knew you so well. It's just a shock."

"I think I'm bi, actually," said Selphie. "I did really like Irvine, and we did… there was one time, in Esthar… and it was good. Very. But I go more for a person than a gender, and I just fell in love with Xu. Simple as that."

"When? I mean, how long…"

"Not long after Ultimecia. Nearly two years."

"Two years! But you can't keep a secret for ten minutes! How… why haven't you told us?"

"Well, at first it was part of the fun, having a secret. It was nice to have part of my life that wasn't to do with battles, and missions and history," Selphie's voice was quiet, clear in the still of the night. "Then later, it was Irvine, mostly. He has to work with Xu a lot, and he'd be devastated. I know I said he was cool about nothing happening between us, but I know it hurts him. I don't want to rub his nose in it, Rin."

"Selphie, you can't hide forever. And besides… Irvine needs to get over you. Maybe it would actually help if he knew you had someone else. He would stop hoping, be able to move on."

"Well, maybe, except now it's been so long… how would I explain why I didn't tell before? I've lied to him all this time."

"Oh Selphie. I wish you'd told me before."

"You know, when you came and told me about your snog in the quad I kinda hoped you guys might have got together. It would've made things a lot easier. And you are good together."

"Sure, but only as friends. Irvine's great and very sexy, but I've always been in love with Squall."

Selphie sighed. "I know. It was just… it would've made things easier for me. Gods, that's selfish, isn't it?"

"Promise me you'll tell him, when we get back? The longer you leave it, the worse it'll get."

"It's so hard to find the words. What do you say? 'By the way, cowboy, sorry to completely break your heart, but I'm in love with the Head of Garden and you'll just have to work with her all the time, planning operations and missions, knowing she's been rolling in the hay with me when you can't?'"

"Would it have been different if it'd been a man?"

"Only in that no man would have kept it secret all this time. Xu's been brilliant."

Rinoa wasn't too sure about that. It seemed to her that a bit of solid advice about honesty among friends might have been more appropriate. But she didn't say anything.

"I know you're right," Selphie gave Rinoa a hug. "Will you help me tell him? When we get back? Just be there for him? He'll need someone to talk to."

"Of course, Selphie. Don't worry. It'll be fine, promise."

"I wish, sometimes, that he would just… find out. That Ether would notice something and tell him, or even that he'd walk in on us. Anything so we wouldn't have to have that conversation."

"Oh, Selphie…"

"I know. Coward, coward, coward." Selphie yawned. "I've even written him letters. But I never posted them." Her eyes were starting to close.

"You sleepy, Selph?"

Selphie nodded. "Can I stay here, Rin? I could really do with someone to hold."

"'Course," Rinoa put her arms around her friend and pulled her close. "I need someone too."

"Thank you," said Selphie, gratefully sinking into Rinoa's embrace. "It will be OK, won't it?"

"It'll be OK. We'll sort it out just as soon as we get back."

If I do get back, thought Rinoa, as she snuggled into Selphie's warm body and tried to sleep.

* * * * * * *

Squall lay in bed, unable to stop thinking. He kept remembering the rainbows in Rinoa's eyes when she'd subdued Gemini, and the fear and emptiness in Risha's. He worried about Xu, and Irvine, trying to figure out why two of the calmest, most easy going people in his world were suddenly at each other's throats. But mostly he worried about Rinoa, wishing he hadn't sent her away, especially without taking more time to check out her new Guardians first. It was taking all his willpower to stop him just getting in a car and going to find her; but he knew she wouldn't want that. In fact she'd probably never forgive him.

He tried to think of other things. Rinoa, in the Fire Cavern, kissing him and writhing against him; the look in her eyes when he gave her back his ring; the wonderful moment in the closet at the graduation party, when she took his erection in her soft, wet mouth…

He slid a hand down under the covers to touch himself, soothing and familiar. Usually he was quick and functional about masturbation: not really comfortable with indulging himself, just a means of physical release… but Rinoa had awoken a sensuality he didn't realise he had in him. The pleasure they shared was becoming a need, and although the memory of her was a poor substitute for having her in his arms, it still made him feel alive, loved. It somehow didn't seem right to rush things, to use his memories of her just to get off.

He remembered how it felt when she'd done this to him, how she'd looked at him, warm brown eyes challenging him, turning him on just as much as her touch. He wanted her so, so much… he wondered what it felt like for her, when she touched him, remembered touching Irvine, the contradiction of hot, hard flesh and soft, cool skin, and Rinoa in the closet at the party, sinking down his body setting his body on fire…

Her name escaped from his lips as he came, throbbing release rushing through him, blanking his mind.

He lay panting, his eyes fluttered open, focused on the ceiling. Something nagged at his mind, a memory, a dream… but his body was relaxed enough, for once, to overpower his mind, and he fell asleep.

* * * * * * *

Squall dreamed, lying on his back, his body soft and relaxed, one arm across his stomach, fingers curling slightly, twitching every now and then…

He was back in the Orphanage with the others, they'd gone to help Edea and Cid rebuild after Ultimecia. His old room was just as it used to be, however, not the ruin it had become. He saw his bed, where he'd cried himself to sleep over Ellone so many times, Zell's, next to his and Seifer's and one other opposite. Through a doorway was the girls' room, and Selphie was there, with Rinoa. Rinoa held Selphie in her arms, rocking her gently back and forth, whispering into her hair. She shooed him away, and he retreated obediently to the boys' room, to find Irvine waiting for him, lying on Squall's bed, his ponytail hanging over one shoulder, violet eyes intense, burning into Squall, stripping him bare, seeing every secret, every worry, every hope he'd ever felt. He'd never felt so exposed, so revealed, but at the same time relieved, the need for guilty secrets gone, and he almost revelled in the freedom of honesty.

Then he was in Irvine's arms, tears rolling down his cheeks as fast as Irvine could kiss them away. Someone was missing, he was grieving for someone, but he couldn't name them. Irvine soothed and comforted him, wrapping him up in his limbs, cushioning his pain with his familiar, warm body.

Later, they stripped and got into bed, and Irvine bid him lie still, watching him with a softer gaze this time, more calming blue than searing purple, licking Squall's skin with his wide, wet tongue, across his chest, pausing to lash his nipples before moving down, across Squall's quivering belly.

"You want this, Lionhart? Is this what you want? Do you want Sniper?"

Squall hesitated, confused. "I want … Rinoa…"

"You can have both. You want enough for both. They want enough for both."

"I don't know, I…"

"Want. Need. Take."

"But…"

"You want Sniper, Lionhart? Sniper, and Sorceress, and Lionhart?"

"Yes," whispered Squall. "Yes, I want… you… both…"

There was a noise halfway between a sigh and a victory cry, and Squall closed his eyes as Irvine kissed him.

"You taste good, Lionhart. You taste of courage and strength and love… so much love…"

~Want. Need. Take.~

"Irvine. Please."

"Are you sure?"

It was as if it were for the first time.

"Yes. I need you to… I need… you…"

"Shhh, babe, don't worry. I'll be gentle. I'm always gentle. We are slow to anger, quick to love."

And Irvine was, watching Squall with eyes filled not just with his usual irresistible lust but with affection, care, love. He bent down and took Squall's mouth in a kiss that stole his breath, all lips and tongue and warmth. Squall felt happily powerless, surrendering himself to Irvine completely, accepting pleasure given so freely, so lovingly. Uke.

Afterwards they lay on Squall's long-destroyed bed, quivering in the aftershock, bestowing a frenzy of kisses on each others' faces, precious, intense gestures, tiny raindrops, perfectly formed and instantly lost in the ocean.

***************************************************************

Author's note: OK, sorry to disappoint anyone who was hoping for some Rinoa/Selphie slash there… I'll confess I thought about it but the plot won in the end.

Hope Squall & the dream sequence made up for it :)

It was a close call though - I'd welcome any opinions/advice on the balance of smut and plot in the story, (this version and/ or the full one on my website). Or opinions on any other aspects of the story, of course ^_~