Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks.

Please review - I'm going through an insecure phase and really need to know what's wrong/right about this story!

This is censored for the more graphic smut: if you're legal and you like smutty bits see www.scribblemoose.co.uk for the full version.

I haven't censored for fluff at all. You have been warned ^^

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Chapter 17 - Aftermath

Irvine realised hazily that it was dark. The candles that Duck had lit around the bedroom were now the only source of light, and they cast a romantic glow over the wreckage of the bed. Duck was lying next to him, her eyes closed, a smile on her face, but not asleep; her hand was still moving on his thigh, keeping his skin alive and tingling. That's how it was, with Duck. If you were there, she had to touch you, keep in contact with you. If she could keep her hands to herself it usually meant she was pissed about something.

Zephyr plonked himself back down on the bed, his arms full of pizza and ice cream. "Fuck, I'm starving," he said. "I think we forgot about lunch. Plus," he spread the picnic out between them, "fucking big-time munchies. Good pizza place, by the way. Shame they don't deliver, but hey, you two were more or less asleep anyway so I didn't miss much, did I?"

Irvine grinned, moving Duck's hand so he could sit up. "Did my life really used to be this good all the time?"

"Yeah, Shotgun," Duck sat up and went straight for the ice cream. "It really did. Until you deserted us for all this heroic crap."

"Well," Irvine sighed, "someone has to save the world."

"Rather someone else than me," said Duck. "Ain't that right, Zef? I don't know if it really needs saving all that often. I think heroes do it just to get their rocks off."

"Be nice, Duck," warned Zef. "You'll frighten him away."

"I didn't join SeeD to be a hero," she carried on, ignoring him. "I joined to be a mercenary. Follow orders for cash and a good supply of pretty boys and girls to help while away the time. Sounded a good deal to me: it's not as if I'll ever make a rocket scientist. Only now your precious Squall Leonhart's taken over it's all morals and saving stuff. It's too complicated for the likes of me. And to add insult to injury, of course, now you're in love with our proper honest-to-gods Commander…"

"You're just saying that to get me mad," said Irvine placidly. "And it won't work, because you've fucked my brains out. I don't have any mad left in me."

"Actually, she really means it," said Zef. "But don't let it bother you. Have pizza. Pizza good."

Irvine took him up on the offer; he was so hungry, and the pizza was the best thing he'd ever tasted, so he soon forgot to be even mildly irritated. Anyway, it was hard to be irritated with a drop-dead gorgeous woman who could eat ice cream and lick your ear at the same time, whatever her political views might have been.

"Your phone rang again," said Zef. "I turned it off, hope that was OK."

"Yeah, sure," Irvine shrugged. "I'll check for messages in a minute."

"Will you stay the night?" Zef asked. "We were thinking of going to a club, if you know anywhere good?"

"Yeah, we could do that," said Irvine. "I have to be back for 7am, is all."

"7am? That's fucking inhuman," protested Duck.

"Yeah," agreed Zef. "You could call in sick? Duck'll ring for you. She can impersonate any family member or medical professional you choose."

Irvine shook his head. "Squall wouldn't take that," he said. Not that it wasn't tempting. He really wasn't looking forward to seeing Frila again.

"There you go again," Duck waved her spoon accusingly at him, "with the Commander. Tell him to fuck off with his orders. I would. Fucking selfish heroic git."

"Duck, you're stoned," said Zef. "Take no notice, Shotgun. I'll spank her later."

"That'll just make her worse," Irvine slapped her leg lightly, as if to prove he didn't mind, although if he was honest with himself, he did, a little. His mind suddenly recalled an image of Squall in Ultimecia's nightmare castle, bleeding and exhausted, tears streaming down his cheeks as he tried to cure Zell and Quistis, before turning back to an impossible battle, pushing Irvine away, determined that no-one else would die at Ultimecia's hand except, if necessary, himself.

No-one could understand what they'd been through together, the six of them. Least of all Duck, probably not even Zephyr. But then, Irvine hadn't come here for understanding.

There was a knock at the door.

"I'll go," said Zef, "on account of I have some actual clothes on."

Irvine stretched luxuriously as Zef left the room, which was too much temptation for Duck, who couldn't resist tickling as much of his stretched out flesh as possible, reducing him to a giggling heap on the bed again. He swiftly turned the tables on her, though, pushing her flat on her back so he could sit astride her, retaliated by grabbing the ice cream and slapping a generous spoonful across her breasts, then caught her flailing arms and pinned them above her head so he could lick it off uninterrupted.

"Irvine, I…"

Zell stopped dead in his tracks. Of all the things, of all the reasons he'd imagined on his way here that there might be for Irvine not answering his phone, of all the things in the world he expected to see, finding Irvine in a Balamb hotel room licking ice cream off the breasts of a beautiful woman wasn't one of them.

Although, of course, it wouldn't have surprised Zephyr a bit, which might explain why he'd let Zell in here in the first place, and was a little nonplussed by the way he was standing there as if he'd stepped into an alternate reality.

"Fuck! Zell, what the…" Irvine let go of Duck's arms to grab something to make himself decent with, which proved to be a big mistake. Duck took full advantage of her new-found freedom, squealing with excitement and tickling him mercilessly.

"Irvine, I'll wait in the other room," said Zell, with a level of dignity Irvine really envied him, at that moment. "Please hurry."

"Aw," Duck moaned, watching as he turned and left, "doesn't your friend want to play? He looked real cute, too. Love the tattoo."

"Sorry, Duck," Irvine disentangled himself from her grasp, with some difficulty, "I don't think he's ready for you yet. And it looks as if I'll have to go, too."

She shrugged. "Come back one day, Shotgun," she said, shifting her affections to the remaining ice-cream with alarming rapidity.

Zephyr passed Irvine his clothes. "He said it was urgent," he explained, apologetically. "I guess things really have changed for you, haven't they?"

Irvine nodded, pulling on his jeans awkwardly with one hand, wiping ice cream off his face with the other. "You could say that." He struggled his arms into his shirt, suddenly unable to manage buttons. Zef came to his rescue, hands remarkably steady, systematically buttoning Irvine's shirt. Irvine pulled his hair back, looking around for something to tie it with; Zef grabbed a purple ribbon from the dressing table and carefully wound it around the thick, auburn pony tail, smoothing tangles as best he could. He took Irvine by the shoulders and turned him around.

"There. You still look a bit disreputable, but I guess you'll do, for work. Ribbon's cute. Matches your eyes."

Irvine grinned. "Look, thanks, Zef. It's been really good to see you again. Both of you."

"Yeah, us too," he said, and pulled Irvine close for one last kiss, tender, soft, sensual beyond belief.

Irvine groaned. "You'd be the death of me," he murmured, resting his forehead against Zef's, his hand around the back of his friend's neck, storing up the moment of peace against whatever crisis lurked back at Garden.

"You boys look so pretty," Duck was moving dangerously towards them, "and I didn't get to watch yet…"

"No, Duck," said Zephyr gently. "Shotgun's got to go."

Irvine gave Zef's shoulder a final squeeze, blew a kiss to Duck, and went to face Zell, shutting the door behind him.

He was standing by the sofa, Irvine's hat and coat in his arms. Angelo was sitting next to him, whining.

"Hey boy," Irvine scratched him behind his ears, "it's OK, I'm here. So, Zell, what's up?" Angelo started to lick the remains of ice cream from Irvine's hand. "Do I have time for a shower?"

"I think you'd better come back to Garden," said Zell. "Something's happened. Look, why don't you sit down?"

"What? I thought you said we were going back to Garden. What's happened?" Irvine struggled with the fog in his brain. "Sorry, I can't… think too straight."

"Oh, Irvine, for fuck's sake," said Zell, exasperated. ~Esuna~

"Man, that's… better. Thanks. How d'you know?"

"Because you had pupils the size of dinnerplates and the room smells like a Galbadian cadet's bedroom after a dorm party."

"Oh. I'm sorry… only I hadn't seen them for a long time and … fuck, I'm sorry…"

"Irvine, you're not making this any easier. I need to tell you what's happened. Please sit down and listen."

They sat on the couch, Irvine trying to apply his newly-cleared mind to make sense of Zell and absorb the events of the last… how many hours? … that had passed since he first sat there with Duck and Zef.

Zell looked like death.

"Zell, what is it? You're freaking me out."

Zell took a deep breath.

"Irvine, it's Selphie."

The blood drained from his face; Zell half expected him to pass out cold.

"What about Selphie?" he whispered.

"Quistis phoned Squall a few hours ago. The mission went wrong; Selphie's gone."

"Gone?" Irvine felt curiously still, despite the roaring in his ears that made it hard to understand what Zell was saying. "Dead?" The word echoed in his head, hollow, wooden.

"We don't know." Irvine watched as Zell took his hand. What a strange thing to do, hold his hand like that. He watched his own long fingers trembling, fluttering in Zell's steady grasp. What a strange thing. "Quistis wasn't sure what had happened, exactly," Zell was saying.

"Rinoa? Oh, gods, Rinoa?"

"Rinoa's OK. She and Quisty are on their way home, they should be back before morning. Irvine, are you alright?"

"Yes," he whispered. "They left her behind?" he frowned. "Why'd they leave her behind?

"They couldn't find her, Irvine. They tried, really hard, but it was too dangerous to stay any longer. We'll go back, though, Squall's already planning it. We will find her. You know we will."

"Is Squall OK?"

"He's going beserk, I think, only in a quiet, deadly kind of way. I haven't seen him so bad for years. He needs us. He needs you, Irvine. Are you going to be OK?"

"When did this happen?"

"A few hours ago. I've been trying to call you, but there was no answer."

Irvine reached out and touched the slight bulge of his phone in his duster pocket, laid across Zell's lap. "I let it ring," he said. "I wanted to fuck Duck, so I ignored it."

Way too much information, thought Zell, and then: did he say *Duck*?

He shook the thought out of his head. "It's OK," he said, patting Irvine's hand. "You deserved some time off. It's just bad luck. It's not as if you could've done anything."

Irvine just kept staring at his duster. "It rang," he said, "and I didn't care. It was Selphie, one of us, in trouble, and I didn't care."

"You didn't know it was Selphie," said Zell gently. "It could just as easily have been Xu bugging you for reports. Come on," Zell got up, handing Irvine his coat and hat. "Let's get you home. Have you got Ether? You could probably do with a bit of oomph."

"Oomph?" Irvine put his coat on, settled his hat on his head. "Oh. I see what you mean." He slipped slowly into junction, checking every attribute as though he were going into battle.

~Ether?~

~Sniper.~

~You tried to tell me. About Selphie. How did you know?~

~I knew. I felt the Great One that was with her. It became silent.~

~Oh ~

~ You hurt.~

~Yes, I think I do. I'm tired… I need strength. ~

~It is done. ~

The power pumped through him like blood, oxygen to tired muscles and fuddled brain.

He could hear noises coming from the bedroom: it sounded like Duck and Zephyr wouldn't be going out for a while after all. Irvine looked around the room, debris in the form of clothing and ashtrays and empty beer bottles strewn about. Among other things.

The afternoon, a haze of lust and pleasure, already seemed a lifetime ago.

"Let's get out of here," he said.

* * * * * * *

Irvine was quiet in the car, and Zell let him be, figuring that the more he'd recovered by the time they got back to Squall, the better. He called in to let the others know he'd found Irvine alive and well, claiming that his phone had been switched off by accident. This earned him a grateful glance from Irvine, who clearly felt bad enough about that already.

When they got back to Garden Squall was waiting outside, pacing the main drive. As soon as Irvine saw Squall he seemed to snap out of his dazed state, so suddenly it took Zell by surprise. He watched, lump in his throat, as Irvine wrenched open the car door and flew to Squall's side, grasping him in a hug so desperate, so painful, that Squall just stood there for a moment, completely stunned. Then he wrapped his arms around Irvine's waist and held him close, clinging to him, his face buried in Irvine's neck, a gesture so unlike Squall, so much the opposite of distant, and angry, and cool, that Zell found he had tears in his eyes.

He started the car again, and drove off to the car park, figuring they might need a few moments alone.

"Irvine… it's alright. We'll get her back, I promise."

Irvine struggled to get his emotions back under control. He gently released himself from Squall's arms, digging a handkerchief out of his pocket and blowing his nose noisily. "Of course," he sniffed. "I know we will. Squall… I'm so sorry you couldn't contact me."

Squall shrugged. "I wasn't thinking straight," he said, "or we'd have found you earlier. It was only when Zell said you'd gone to see friends that I remembered."

"I just… had to get out. I had a stupid argument with Xu."

Squall couldn't keep the irritation from flashing across his face. "Not again. What is it with you two?"

Irvine ignored that question. "Where is she? Does she know?"

"She's in her quarters, I think. I told her straight away, and she asked to be left alone. She was shocked. We all were. You just don't expect… we've been on so many missions and we always come back. We all come back. Always." Squall leaned against the wall, pinching the bridge of his nose between finger and thumb, massaging the scar between his eyes.

"We'll find her, Squall. She'll be okay. I know Selphie. And I was thinking… she can't be dead. I'm sure If she was dead I'd… know."

"Yes. I just wish I hadn't sent them. We didn't know enough, it was too early…"

"You made the best decision you could at the time. What happened? Zell didn't say much."

"We don't know. Quistis didn't seem to have a clue, and Rinoa wasn't fit to talk."

"But she's OK? Rinoa, I mean."

"I think. Quistis said she'd been unconscious, but she was waking up when she called."

"So you're waiting for them to come back now?"

"Yeah. I couldn't settle to anything. Not until I know they're back safe. Then I need to figure out how we can go and find her. But I just can't think. Not until I know Rinoa's alright."

"Mind if I wait with you?"

Squall shook his head.

Irvine pulled himself up onto the wall next to him.

After a few minutes, Zell joined them, wordlessly hauling himself up next to Irvine. The three of them, and Angelo, stared down the road in the dark, in silence, waiting.

* * * * * * *

It was nearly dawn when Irvine made out car headlights in the distance; still a long way off, but clearly visible to his keen marksman's eyes

"They're coming," he said, sliding off the wall.

The other two looked up, eventually seeing the car come into view. Irvine heard Squall release his breath in a sigh, almost as if he'd been holding it all this time while they waited.

The car screeched to a halt on the drive; the passenger door opened and Rinoa stumbled out and fell into Squall's waiting arms, Angelo whining and licking her wherever he could reach. Zell and Irvine went to hug Quistis, but she shrugged them off quickly. "I'm OK," she said, "Rinoa needs to get to the Infirmary. Get the Doc to check her over."

"They're ready and waiting," said Zell. "Is she alright?"

"I think so. I cured her wounds, but she was unconscious for a long time. Just want to check for concussion."

"Did you hear that, Squall? Squall?"

Squall raised his head, still holding Rinoa tightly. He nodded. "Come on Rin," he whispered, encouraging her to move towards the doors.

"You too, Quisty," said Zell quietly. "Just get yourself checked out."

Quistis shook her head. "I'm fine," she said. "I'll just go to bed. I need sleep. If that's OK, Squall?"

"Yes," said Squall, "unless there's anything you can tell us that…"

Quistis shook her head, her eyes filling with tears. "No," she said, "nothing. I'm so sorry, Squall. I completely failed. I've let you down so badly."

Squall shot Irvine a look that said 'deal with that for me', and concentrated on getting Rinoa inside.

"It's OK," said Irvine, "I'm sure you did everything you could."

"Come on, Quisty," Zell hooked his arm through hers, "I'll walk you to your room."

Quistis shook her head, pulling her arm away. "I'm alright," she said. "I'm fine, I just…" her voice choked up and she ran towards the doors, sobbing. Zell started after her, but Irvine pulled him back.

"Let her go," he, quietly. "Leave it til the morning."

Zell looked towards the horizon, streaked in pink and red and cream, trees stark black silhouettes against the lightening sky. "It already is morning," he said. "I've got a class in three hours. We're supposed to carry on as normal, Squall didn't want the cadets rattled."

Oh, great. Frila.

"You ought to get some sleep," said Irvine. "And I definitely need a shower."

"Yeah," said Zell, with a shadow of his usual teasing grin, "and make sure you get all the ice cream out of your hair."

* * * * * * *

Squall kicked open his door, guiding Rinoa gently inside. He dumped her bag on a chair, anxious to free his arms to hold her, but she'd moved away, towards the window. She opened the curtain a little; a sliver of cold, early light slid into the room.

"Can I get you anything?" he asked. "Are you hungry? Thirsty?"

She shook her head.

"You can sleep, they said, so long as I keep an eye on you and wake you every two hours. Are you sleepy?"

She shook her head, again, frowning for a moment in thought, lifted one hand to her matted hair. "Shower," she said. "I'd really like a shower. Is that OK?"

"Of course. Go right ahead, I'll bring you a clean towel."

"Thanks."

She moved slowly to the bathroom, turned on the shower, and started to strip her clothes off. It felt good to get out of them, to strip off the sweat and the slime and the blood. She stepped gratefully under the hot water, aiming the jet at her hair, suddenly feeling unspeakably dirty and needing, more than anything, to get clean. Really, really clean.

* * * * * * *

Irvine opened his door, somehow surprised that everything was as he'd left it; there was no sign, no hint that the world had changed so much. There were messages on his machine, probably from when they were looking for him that afternoon. His bed, still unmade, looked vaguely inviting, but he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep. His body was probably exhausted, but he couldn't feel it, thanks to Ether, and that suited him right now. He needed to feel strong, for a while at least.

He wished he wasn't alone. He would have given anything, at that moment, to talk to Rinoa, or Squall. But of course, he couldn't. They needed each other more than he needed them. He suddenly missed Angelo, realised how used he'd got to the company of a loyal companion around the place, those trusting doggy eyes.

He washed up a few days' worth of coffee cups, took off his clothes and put them neatly in the laundry hamper, taking some comfort in routine domestic tasks that normally irritated him. Finally, he untied his ponytail, smiling at the distinctly unmanly purple ribbon; his hair smelt sweetly of grass, sex and ice cream, another world.

He stood under the shower and washed it away.

* * * * * * *

Rinoa couldn't get clean. She knew she should be: she'd been under the almost scalding water forever, she'd scrubbed and scrubbed. But whenever she thought she might be almost there, almost normal, she heard Selphie screaming in her head and it all came back… Selphie screaming Irvine's name, Selphie screaming for Rinoa, Selphie screaming for Xu.

And then nothing. She couldn't remember anything else; just crawling in the tunnel, trying to get Selphie to move, talking to Quistis… then the screaming, then … nothing. Just the tunnel, dark, narrow, and she was alone, and she couldn't breathe, the tunnel walls touching her body all around, she couldn't escape from the feeling of cold, rough rock everywhere, hardly room to pull herself along; and Selphie was gone, no matter how hard she looked, she couldn't find her…

She slid down the tiles, her head falling on her knees, and the tears came at last, huge, gut-wrenching sobs. The shower water pounded on her neck and heaving shoulders like a waterfall, thundering in her ears; she didn't hear Squall, didn't know he was there until she felt his arms around her. She sank gratefully against him, lost in grief and pain.

He didn't say anything, just held her, stroking her hair. She'd never thought she'd see the day when she was actually grateful for Squall's silence. But she was.

The tears dried up, eventually, to short, gasping breaths. Squall rubbed her back, soothing, and things began to come back into focus. He was sitting in the shower with her, fully clothed and completely drenched, booted feet braced against the tiles on the opposite wall. He watched her, waiting, as if it was a perfectly normal place to be.

"You're wet," she said.

"I guess." He smiled, just a little bit.

"Squall, I…"

"You don't have to. Unless you want to. Talk, I mean."

She squeezed his hand, gratefully. "Thank you."

"I know what it's like, when people want you to talk and you don't have words," said Squall. "When what's on your mind is so painful the words choke you and stop you breathing. When saying it out loud makes it real, and you don't want it to be real." His voice was a whisper. "I know what it's like. When you do want to talk, I'll be here. I'll always be here."

She felt fresh tears in her eyes, his kindness, his love, his uncharacteristic eloquence almost too much. Almost.

He pulled her into his body and she could feel his heartbeat against her cheek.

"I ought to get you dry," he said, "you're shivering."

She really was, she realised. Something fierce.

"Come on. Just stand up for me, there's a good girl."

He helped her to her feet, turned off the shower. As soon as the water stopped she felt cold, very, very cold, her teeth started to chatter. He wrapped her in a towel, stripping out of his own sopping clothes, his hair dripping water down his face like tears.

"Come to bed," he said. "You don't have to sleep, but it'll keep you warm."

"O..K.." she stammered.

He led her to the bedroom, rubbing his hair with a towel, which made it all spiky; Rinoa was aware she might have laughed at him, another time, in another world. He gestured negligently at the bed, and she felt a tingle of magic; he'd cast a tiny spell to warm the bedclothes, a cadet's trick she'd somehow imagined to be way below Squall's dignity.

He gave her a T-shirt to wear, pulling on sweatpants himself. Then he held back the quilt, and she slid inside, snuggling gratefully into the warmth. He started to tuck her in.

"Aren't you coming in here with me?" she asked.

"Would you like that? I didn't want you to think… I could just keep watch."

"Just like old times? No, Squall. Come here. Hold me."

He slipped into bed beside her, pulling her to nestle against him.

"Feeling warmer?"

"Mnmn." She was still shivering, though.

He stroked her arm gently, rhythmically.

"Squall?"

"Yes?"

"Kiss me."

He looked surprised, but obediently cupped her chin in his hand and caressed her lips with his own, gently, as if he thought she might break. Or maybe frightened she was broken already.

It warmed her in a way that no amount of snug bed or soft T shirt could. For the first time since she'd left the tunnels she started to feel alive. Squall felt so real, so familiar and strong; desire spread quickly through her body, chasing away the fear and the guilt and the screams.

He was breathing hard, despite the relative chastity of his kiss. "Is that OK?" he whispered. "I don't want to hurt…"

She sealed her mouth over his and kissed him hard, wrapping her arms and legs around him, pressing as much of her body against his as she could. He groaned deep in his throat, his body responding strongly to her, whatever his mind might have had to say about it. She breathed deeply, taking in the smell of him, all clean and male with a vague hint of leather and steel.

He was pulling back; damn the boy, she couldn't do without him, she needed this…

"Rinoa. Rinoa, look at me."

Her eyes fluttered open reluctantly, meeting his cloudy grey gaze.

"Nhn.. want you…"

"It's OK," he smiled at her, "I just wanted to say… it's not your fault, you know. What happened to Selphie. I want you to remember that."

Her expression darkened. "You weren't there…"

He brushed the hair from her face, stroking her cheek with his thumb.

"I didn't have to be. I know. I know you. I love you."

Her eyes widened for a moment, and she paused, something unlocking, a seal in her mind broken by his words. She whispered. "I tried to find her. I really did. I made myself look everywhere, however frightened I was. I just kept hearing her scream in my head and I couldn't find her… and I felt frightened and so weak and stupid, and I thought I'd never get out, and I'd never see you again…" She was all out of tears, but her body shook in his arms.

"It's okay," he whispered. "I'm here. You tried all you could. You're not weak, or stupid, you're brave and strong, I'm proud of you, and I love you. I love you."

She felt something inside her melt away, the trembling of her body slowed. She wanted to tell him she loved him too, but somehow she couldn't form the words: she didn't want to talk, or think, she just wanted to lose herself in his body and his lust and his love and stay there forever.

So she kissed him instead, pulling him on top of her, his damp hair tickling her face, his warm body covering hers. He supported his weight on strong arms, as if frightened of crushing her, looked down into her eyes.

"I love you," he whispered again, as if he'd waited too long to tell her, and now the words were out he couldn't stop saying them.

She slid her fingers down his naked back and under soft fabric, stroking down the small of his back to his perfect butt. He groaned and wetly kissed her neck, her throat, her eyelids, her ear, then raised his head in surprise as she impatiently dragged his sweatpants over his hips. "Now, Squall, I need you, now…"

However gentlemanly and considerate he may have intended to be, he couldn't resist her. Her body engulfed; she wrapped her legs around his waist and sighed, feeling full at last, complete, desire warming the coldest edges of her soul.

"Look at me," he said, his voice deep and husky, "I need to… open your eyes."

She did as he asked, blinking a little to focus. His eyes were almost blue, intense and bright with desire, watching her; she saw the pleasure rippling through his body to catch the breath in his throat. She kept her eyes open as long as she could, the expression on his face an enigmatic blend of innocence and fierce, knowing desire, until she was captured by her own pleasure, her whole body shuddering and quivering underneath him, lost at last in sweet, sweet oblivion.

As the final waves receded he stopped, kissed her softly; despite the urgency she could feel in his own body, muscles quivering with restraint, he waited for her to come down a little, waited until she opened her eyes and smiled at him.

Her smile made his heart ache.

He couldn't take his eyes off her, she was so beautiful, her hair fanned out on the pillow, her soft skin glowing, the pink flush of pleasure around her throat and across her pale cheeks. He surrendered to her heat.

He heard her voice, as the rushing in his ears subsided.

"I love you, my lion. My knight. I love you…"

He wrapped he up in his arms, burying his damp face in her hair, and held her while she slept.

* * * * * * *

Irvine got out of the shower and dressed in clean clothes: old jeans and a comforting, fluffy green shirt that Selphie had bought for him for his 18th birthday, claiming he was officially an old man and should watch for chills. He wasn't very superstitious, but he'd always thought of the shirt as lucky. He'd worn it for his final SeeD exam, and when he first drew Ether from the black dragon on the Island Closest to Hell… And besides. It was from Selphie. It felt like a way of showing his faith that she was alive, that he'd find her.

He combed out his hair, wincing at the tangles, as he listened to his messages. Five… no, six, from Zell, getting gradually more panicky, four that cut off without leaving a message; damn, he hated it when people did that; one from Squall: terse and worried. He pressed the delete button and flopped on his bed.

He wondered when Squall would stop feeling relieved about Rinoa and start feeling mad at him for screwing around with Duck and Zephyr when he was supposed to be on duty. Zell was bound to tell him; it was just too juicy a morsel for the chatterbox to keep to himself, once the drama had faded. Although it had been nice of him to lie about the phone. Maybe he should just 'fess up and face whatever Squall wanted him to suffer. Maybe he deserved it.

When did I start having to keep so many secrets?

Guilt, becoming familiar, ran through him.

It wasn't just Selphie he felt guilty about, although it was bad enough to think he'd been having a good time when she was in danger. It compounded the dull ache in the pit of his stomach at the thought that someone, something might be hurting her, hurting his Seffie, the bright, shining hope of his life.

But there was more than that.

He felt guilty because, for one afternoon, he'd stopped caring, and, just for a while, he had become what Xu had accused him of. He'd been that other Irvine, pre-Squall Irvine, slave to nothing but passion and the moment.

But what had been a pleasurable escape that afternoon, peace from the turmoil of his life, now left him feeling hollow and empty, and more alone than ever.

Somewhere on the road to Ultimecia Irvine had changed: he'd found friendship bound by blood, pain and loyalty, rather than a mutual quest for pleasure. The fact that he hadn't been there for Squall that afternoon felt to Irvine as though he'd deserted his leader in battle. Thinking back over the past few days, he was shocked at just how much he'd put his friendship with Squall at risk; from the second his lips touched Rinoa's in the quad to the minute he closed his eyes and taken his pleasure with Duck to the song of Squall calling for help on his phone, he'd been a traitor to Squall's respect and concern.

And worst of all his crimes was the afternoon of Riona's graduation, when he and Squall had touched and tasted and come together; and Irvine had let Ether tamper with his best friend's mind to keep it secret from him.

He may not have raped Squall's body; gods, Squall had even made the first move, albeit under Ether's influence, and Hyne, he'd wanted it. Irvine swallowed hard at the memory, easy lust running through his body, even now, as he hated himself for what he'd done.

He hadn't raped Squall's body. But he sure as hell had sat back and let Ether rape his mind.

The guilt was so raw now, so unbearable that he could hardly breathe.

And he'd done it for Ether. For the power of the Guardian that even now strengthened and warmed him. Xu was right, although in a way she would probably never understand. He had done unspeakable things to feed Ether.

Want, need, take.

And to hell with the consequences.

Not anymore.

But it wasn't just Ether.

He held a memory clear in his head, of Squall waiting for Rinoa, silent, wracked with anxiety and pain as he waited for his worst nightmare to come true, bracing himself for agony he knew he couldn't bear. How many times had Squall faced loss with levels of dignity and courage that most people couldn't even imagine? And alone, always fucking alone, not just because he was frightened of his own feelings, but wanting to spare others, save them from their own heroic impulses, while his ran rampant and took him to face death and misery more often than any one person should ever have to.

And meanwhile his best friend turned his back on him to take refuge in another human body or two just because he'd had a row with his boss.

Weak, weak, weak.

Slut. Whore. Rapist.

You don't know what real love is.

The light of the new day flowed strongly into the room now, chasing the shadows, revealing familiar things. The pile of papers on his desk. The butt of his rifle poking out from under his bed. The photograph of the six of them at the party after Ultimecia, the only time they'd ever got Squall tanked enough appear in front of a camera.

He swung his long legs over the edge of the bed and pulled himself to his feet.

Whatever else he might be, whatever he might have become, he was still a SeeD. That meant he could follow orders, and his orders for the next hour were crystal clear.

Irvine brushed tears from his face, locked the guilt and pain deep in his heart, and set off for the gunblade training hall.

***************************************************************

Author's note: you may have noticed that ice cream crops up rather a lot in this story. This may be profound imagery, or it may be because I love ice cream nearly as much as I love bishonen. Maybe even both. You decide ^_~

And yay! Got Squall dripping wet again!

Feedback welcome as ever. Please feed the author ^_^ (ice cream or reviews gladly accepted) (especially black cherry)