Disclaimer: My name is not Joss Whedon. That is all I should have to say.
A/N: This is the companion to "The Rest of My Life," and is dedicated to Vivid Scripts and Maria who liked my very first story. Athlantis, the sequel is for you, just wait, it's coming.
Summary: Five years after Cordelia left Angel Investigations, Angel thinks about what he lost and how much it hurts.
**We belong together and you know that I am right…How could you love me and leave me and never say good-bye?**
I don't understand it. I never will. The day that Cordy left, I thought she was coming back, I really did. She never even said good-bye. I didn't see her when she came back to get the things she left at the hotel. I suppose she did that on purpose. And that hurt. She didn't even want to see me.
***
"Angel! Angel! You will never believe what happened to me today?"
"What?"
"I got a job? What do you mean 'you got a job'? You already have a job!"
"Ugh; not a job like this. I mean ACTING. I was just walking down the street and this guy stopped me and asked me to be in a MOVIE! Can you believe it? It's crazy. I mean, nothing has been going on lately, and this is perfect!"
"No, it's not."
"Are you kidding? You don't think this is amazing?"
"No."
"What the hell do you mean 'no'?"
"Cordelia, are you out of your mind? You can't just leave and make a movie! We have jobs, we have things to do!"
"Angel, I don't even know if I am going to do it. I just wanted to try! And you can't tell me what I can and can't do!"
"I'm your boss and I am demanding that you not do this!"
"You are also supposed to be my best friend! How dare you say that to me! I am sick of this shit Angel. I want to do what I WANT TO DO."
"Cordelia, don't walk out that door."
"Angel. Fuck off."
***
And those were the last words she said to me. When she walked out the door, I never knew those were going to be our last words. If I had…I would have done something, said something so she would come back. I didn't mean what I said. Of course I would have supported her. But it came out of nowhere! I thought all that her acting "career" was over. I mean, after that play we saw her in, I didn't think she would try anymore. I just…I just didn't want to lose her. I mean, I was in the goddamn OCEAN for three months, and that was hell. Yes, I missed Gunn, and Fred, and Connor, and even Wes and Lorne. But I needed Cordelia. I didn't just miss her, I needed her. And I still do. And it hurts whenever I think about how she isn't here anymore.
**When I can't sleep at night without holding you tight, Girl, each time I just break down and cry. Pain in my head, oh I'd rather be dead**
Most nights, I can't sleep. I wake up from dreams of Cordelia. In some she's happy and I just wish I was there to share it with her. In others she's sad, she is crying, and I can't comfort her. I can't tell her everything is going to be alright. Sometimes…sometimes she's dying. And I can't save her. No matter what I do, I just can't save her. And it kills me inside. I wake up with tears in my eyes and all I want is to talk to her, to see her, to hold her, to tell her how much she meant to me, how much she still means to me. That I didn't want her to leave. I was just scared. Scared I would lose her. Scared of letting her go. But, I never tell her.
I get messages from her. She is still my Seer, and I am still the Warrior, the Champion. But she gives them to Wes or Fred, never to me. She won't speak to me. And I wonder if she misses me like I am missing her. If she feels empty inside. If it's only me. I know that she comes to the hotel. I'm not stupid. My friends try to hide it, but I can smell her scent. I know they visit her. I can smell her on them. They lie to me to protect me, but I know. I always know.
She buys Connor presents. She treats him like the mother he doesn't have and he loves her so much. He doesn't tell me where he gets them, and doesn't mention the visits between them. Connor and I have gotten closer. I think he knows how much this hurts me, but he doesn't let on that he knows. We talk about her sometimes, about the good times and the bad. About the stupid fights we got in and the crazy things Cordy used to say. I tell him about how Cordy was in high school and how much she has changed. I tell him about the first day I saw her in Los Angeles, and how we close we became that first year. I feel better telling my son about the woman I love. But I can never tell him that I love her. It hurts too much to say it to myself, let alone for someone else. I don't even say the words aloud.
**Maybe I'll forgive you, maybe you'll try. We should be happy together forever, you and I.**
And I hate to say this, but sometimes I am still mad at her. Mad at her for leaving me. Mad that she left me when I needed her. Mad that she left us. She left Fred, and Gunn, and Wes, and Lorne, and Connor. And she left me. She was my best friend in the world and she left me. She left me like I meant nothing. And she never came back. And I get so angry and I just want to kill something and I go out and patrol and I don't come home until dawn. Only then will the anger be sated and I can sleep. Sleep that deep sleep without dreams and without tears. But I always wake up, and she isn't next to me. She isn't there in the morning with coffee. And that is a nightmare I never wake up from.
I wanted us to be happy. I wanted our lives together to be a dream. A good one, that makes you smile when you wake up, even though it's over. I wanted forever with Cordelia, and now I have nothing. I never thought I would wake up at night and wish she was there beside me. I always believed that the woman for me was a girl with blonde hair who was the Slayer of Sunnydale. Buffy. But the love between Buffy and I was different. She loved Angel, the Vampire with a Soul, on a Mission of Redemption, not a former bloodthirsty vampire. But that is not all that I am. I was a murderer, I am a demon, I am a vampire. Cordelia loved me for me. Every aspect of me, every thing that I did. She was not scared of who I was or was not. She was my best friend. We had a friendship that Buffy and I never had. And I know in my heart that the relationship between Buffy could never compare to what I had with Cordelia. To what I lost. And the pain I feel now is so much worse than when I left Sunnydale. Cordy means more to me than anyone I ever thought I could find. And all I wanted was for Delia and me to be happy. Together.
**Will you love me again like you loved me before? This time I want you to love me much more. This time instead just come to my bed and baby just don't let me go.**
If I said sorry, if I came to her, would it matter? Would she love me again like she loved me before? Would we, could we be best friends again? Could we even be lovers? I never told her how I felt; I never got the chance to. But I want it back; I want it more than life itself. It's been five years, but that is nothing to me. The pain does not lessen with time, it just gets worse. It's been five years and I still want the same thing. I want to hold Cordy in my arms all night long and just be with her. Feel her warmth against me. Smell her scent that is uniquely and deliciously Cordelia. I just want to be with her and I don't ever want to let go.
**Although we've come to the end of the road, still I can't let go. It's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you.**
A/N: This is the companion to "The Rest of My Life," and is dedicated to Vivid Scripts and Maria who liked my very first story. Athlantis, the sequel is for you, just wait, it's coming.
Summary: Five years after Cordelia left Angel Investigations, Angel thinks about what he lost and how much it hurts.
**We belong together and you know that I am right…How could you love me and leave me and never say good-bye?**
I don't understand it. I never will. The day that Cordy left, I thought she was coming back, I really did. She never even said good-bye. I didn't see her when she came back to get the things she left at the hotel. I suppose she did that on purpose. And that hurt. She didn't even want to see me.
***
"Angel! Angel! You will never believe what happened to me today?"
"What?"
"I got a job? What do you mean 'you got a job'? You already have a job!"
"Ugh; not a job like this. I mean ACTING. I was just walking down the street and this guy stopped me and asked me to be in a MOVIE! Can you believe it? It's crazy. I mean, nothing has been going on lately, and this is perfect!"
"No, it's not."
"Are you kidding? You don't think this is amazing?"
"No."
"What the hell do you mean 'no'?"
"Cordelia, are you out of your mind? You can't just leave and make a movie! We have jobs, we have things to do!"
"Angel, I don't even know if I am going to do it. I just wanted to try! And you can't tell me what I can and can't do!"
"I'm your boss and I am demanding that you not do this!"
"You are also supposed to be my best friend! How dare you say that to me! I am sick of this shit Angel. I want to do what I WANT TO DO."
"Cordelia, don't walk out that door."
"Angel. Fuck off."
***
And those were the last words she said to me. When she walked out the door, I never knew those were going to be our last words. If I had…I would have done something, said something so she would come back. I didn't mean what I said. Of course I would have supported her. But it came out of nowhere! I thought all that her acting "career" was over. I mean, after that play we saw her in, I didn't think she would try anymore. I just…I just didn't want to lose her. I mean, I was in the goddamn OCEAN for three months, and that was hell. Yes, I missed Gunn, and Fred, and Connor, and even Wes and Lorne. But I needed Cordelia. I didn't just miss her, I needed her. And I still do. And it hurts whenever I think about how she isn't here anymore.
**When I can't sleep at night without holding you tight, Girl, each time I just break down and cry. Pain in my head, oh I'd rather be dead**
Most nights, I can't sleep. I wake up from dreams of Cordelia. In some she's happy and I just wish I was there to share it with her. In others she's sad, she is crying, and I can't comfort her. I can't tell her everything is going to be alright. Sometimes…sometimes she's dying. And I can't save her. No matter what I do, I just can't save her. And it kills me inside. I wake up with tears in my eyes and all I want is to talk to her, to see her, to hold her, to tell her how much she meant to me, how much she still means to me. That I didn't want her to leave. I was just scared. Scared I would lose her. Scared of letting her go. But, I never tell her.
I get messages from her. She is still my Seer, and I am still the Warrior, the Champion. But she gives them to Wes or Fred, never to me. She won't speak to me. And I wonder if she misses me like I am missing her. If she feels empty inside. If it's only me. I know that she comes to the hotel. I'm not stupid. My friends try to hide it, but I can smell her scent. I know they visit her. I can smell her on them. They lie to me to protect me, but I know. I always know.
She buys Connor presents. She treats him like the mother he doesn't have and he loves her so much. He doesn't tell me where he gets them, and doesn't mention the visits between them. Connor and I have gotten closer. I think he knows how much this hurts me, but he doesn't let on that he knows. We talk about her sometimes, about the good times and the bad. About the stupid fights we got in and the crazy things Cordy used to say. I tell him about how Cordy was in high school and how much she has changed. I tell him about the first day I saw her in Los Angeles, and how we close we became that first year. I feel better telling my son about the woman I love. But I can never tell him that I love her. It hurts too much to say it to myself, let alone for someone else. I don't even say the words aloud.
**Maybe I'll forgive you, maybe you'll try. We should be happy together forever, you and I.**
And I hate to say this, but sometimes I am still mad at her. Mad at her for leaving me. Mad that she left me when I needed her. Mad that she left us. She left Fred, and Gunn, and Wes, and Lorne, and Connor. And she left me. She was my best friend in the world and she left me. She left me like I meant nothing. And she never came back. And I get so angry and I just want to kill something and I go out and patrol and I don't come home until dawn. Only then will the anger be sated and I can sleep. Sleep that deep sleep without dreams and without tears. But I always wake up, and she isn't next to me. She isn't there in the morning with coffee. And that is a nightmare I never wake up from.
I wanted us to be happy. I wanted our lives together to be a dream. A good one, that makes you smile when you wake up, even though it's over. I wanted forever with Cordelia, and now I have nothing. I never thought I would wake up at night and wish she was there beside me. I always believed that the woman for me was a girl with blonde hair who was the Slayer of Sunnydale. Buffy. But the love between Buffy and I was different. She loved Angel, the Vampire with a Soul, on a Mission of Redemption, not a former bloodthirsty vampire. But that is not all that I am. I was a murderer, I am a demon, I am a vampire. Cordelia loved me for me. Every aspect of me, every thing that I did. She was not scared of who I was or was not. She was my best friend. We had a friendship that Buffy and I never had. And I know in my heart that the relationship between Buffy could never compare to what I had with Cordelia. To what I lost. And the pain I feel now is so much worse than when I left Sunnydale. Cordy means more to me than anyone I ever thought I could find. And all I wanted was for Delia and me to be happy. Together.
**Will you love me again like you loved me before? This time I want you to love me much more. This time instead just come to my bed and baby just don't let me go.**
If I said sorry, if I came to her, would it matter? Would she love me again like she loved me before? Would we, could we be best friends again? Could we even be lovers? I never told her how I felt; I never got the chance to. But I want it back; I want it more than life itself. It's been five years, but that is nothing to me. The pain does not lessen with time, it just gets worse. It's been five years and I still want the same thing. I want to hold Cordy in my arms all night long and just be with her. Feel her warmth against me. Smell her scent that is uniquely and deliciously Cordelia. I just want to be with her and I don't ever want to let go.
**Although we've come to the end of the road, still I can't let go. It's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you.**