Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks.
By the way, I've started a whole new NC-17 fic, Blood and Sand, if you're interested – only available on www.scribblemoose.co.uk as censoring to R rating takes too long, and would kinda miss the point for that one ^_^
Please tell me what you think of all this, if you can bear to, by review or email (fanfic@scribblemoose.co.uk)
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Chapter 21 - Orders
"Oh," said Irvine. "Oh gods, Squall. I'm sorry."
Squall just looked at him. Time flowed like treacle, and Irvine could feel his heart pounding in his chest. Despair and remorse knotted painfully in his gut, mixed with a bitter-sweet kind of relief that at last, somehow, Squall knew what he should already have known. And Squall just stood there. Hating him.
"Squall, please, hit me, or shout at me, or something. Anything. I'm so sorry."
"Sorry you did it, or sorry I remembered?" Squall's words came slowly, sounding all the more dangerous for it.
Irvine swallowed painfully, his throat like sandpaper.
"There's a word," said Squall, "for what you did."
"I know," Irvine whispered. "I know. Oh shit, Squall…"
"Do you do it often?" Squall's mouth formed a cold, mocking smile. "So your conquests don't make a fuss? The perfect one night stand?"
Irvine shook his head, slowly. "No. No, of course not."
"So what was so special about me?"
"I… you…" Irvine struggled to express something of what he felt, but he just couldn't find the words. Because I care for you, he thought, because it matters. Because I didn't want to hurt you. And because I am just so, so stupid…
"You raped me," came Squall's voice, burning like ice on hot skin.
Something chimed in Irvine's mind, like a half-remembered dream.
"Yes," he said. "But not the way you think."
"Really? You didn't use Ether to seduce me? Why d'you do it, Irvine? To get back at me because you wanted Rinoa?"
"No, you know that's not true. You're my best friend, Squall. If you think about it, if you really remember, you'll know. You wanted it just as much as me. Ether may… amplify things a bit, but I've never known it put things there that weren't there to start with. You wanted me."
He saw a flicker of acceptance in Squall's eyes. Not much, but more than he'd dared hope for.
"I don't regret what we did," Irvine continued. "But I shouldn't have let Ether make you forget."
"Too fucking right you shouldn't."
"I know, I…"
Squall slammed his fist onto Irvine's desk, so hard Irvine flinched. "No. You can't. Ever. Know. Never," he hissed. "Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to trust people? Any idea at all?"
Irvine looked at him helplessly, speechless.
"You were the first person I felt I ever could trust, did you know that?"
"Oh gods, Squall…"
"I've fought next to you, Irvine, we've saved each others' lives more often than I can count. You've done all the things for me that I can't do: looking after the others, telling me when they were at rock bottom and I hadn't even noticed… and I came to fucking trust you. However much you annoyed the shit out of me sometimes, I always trusted you."
"You still can," Irvine whispered.
Squall glared at him, disbelief plain on his face. "How? You messed with my mind! For fuck's sake, you're the one who gave me back my memories in the first place! How could you.. how dare you steal them back?"
"I didn't… it didn't feel like that. It was only later I… and…" his voice tailed off. There weren't any excuses, really. Just weakness, plain, old-fashioned human weakness. He couldn't think of any way to articulate that without sending Squall into a blind rage. I was stupid, and wrong, and you'll never know how sorry I am…
There was a long pause; Irvine realised he was trembling. He was aware of Ether, silent in the back of his mind, watching. He thought he felt the vaguest hint of remorse, but that was unlikely, he told himself. Guardians didn't think like that. More likely just a case of indigestion at the anger and pain that hung thick in the air.
"What can I do?" he asked, finally. "Is there anything I can do to make it… better?"
Squall said nothing, just held Irvine in his icy glare.
"No," said Irvine finally, "I didn't think so."
"Have you finished your report?"
"What?"
"Your report, Captain. For the briefing. I've only got half an hour, I'd like to read it."
Just like that. Cut off. Done. After two years of friendship, after living through hell together, they were reduced to this: Captain and Commander. Leader and sniper.
He picked up his report, and Frila's, from the desk, and handed them to Squall.
"I haven't had a chance to look at Alfryd's," he said, struggling to keep his voice from cracking. "But I'm sure it's fine. Let me know if you need anything else."
Squall nodded, and turned to go.
"Just a minute," Irvine reached out, stopping short of touching him, just at the last minute. "I want you to read this."
He held out a thick notebook, leather bound, with his initials on the front.
Squall took it from him, a slight twitch of muscle in one cheek the only movement on his face.
"It's your journal," he said.
"Yes. The private one, not the one Xu collects. You gave me the book, remember?"
Squall shrugged, refusing to acknowledge any significance in that fact. "So?"
"I want you to read it. It's all there, everything since Ultimecia. Not the stats and the memory prompts and shit. Just… Look, just read it, okay?"
For a moment he thought Squall was going to throw the book back at him. But he didn't. He arranged it carefully in his hand with the reports, straightening the ribbon marker with gloved fingers.
"Make sure you get to the briefing on time," he said. "We've got work to do."
He left without looking at Irvine again, the door closing quietly behind him.
* * * * * * *
Irvine just waited, after Squall had gone, until the half hour was up and it was time for the briefing. He sat on his bed, eyes closed, tried to meditate away the pain and anguish gnawing at his belly.
It didn't help much.
So he just waited, and tried not to think.
Finally the time was up, and he dragged himself to the meeting room. He wasn't early, but he wasn't late either, for once, and he got there before Squall.
He slipped into a seat next to Rinoa at the round conference table. She gave him a warm smile, for which he felt particularly grateful. He scratched Angelo behind the ears, nodding a greeting to Zell and Quistis before he realised, with some surprise, that Frila was sitting opposite him.
"Hey, Hotshot," he said. "He liked the report then?"
"I guess," she looked unusually nervous. "He just told me to be here, so…"
"Here you are," said Irvine. "Welcome to the inner sanctum."
"The whatey whoey?"
"Never mind. Hey, Rin, where's Xu?"
"She's in bed," said Rinoa. "Squall suspended her. Didn't he say anything?"
Irvine shook his head. "Nope, not to me. Why, what's she done?"
"She drew Bane. And lost it, and the research programme, to Chet, to cut a long story short."
"You're kidding?"
"Nope. Squall's not impressed, he was real hard on her. Too hard, if you ask me."
Irvine felt a pang of guilt for Xu, wondering if Squall had taken out his anger with Irvine on her.
Then he blinked, reflecting on just what it meant, that Xu should have found and lost Bane. And not told them.
"Will someone tell me what's going on?" Zell's voice interrupted his thoughts.
"Wait 'til Squall gets here," said Quistis. "He won't be long." She was frantically compiling and stapling documents from the pile of paper in front of her, glasses slipping down her nose. Which Irvine might have found interesting, just a few days ago. He always liked watching Quistis grappling with her spectacles in briefings; there was something very sexy about the way she pushed them up her nose when she was nervous, or glared over the top of them when she was telling him off.
But not today. Today Quistis was in full mission mode, all energy and authority, and Irvine was in despair.
He felt a foot brush against his under the table.
He flashed a glance at an innocent-looking Frila, and was about to say something when the doors opened.
"Hey," said Rin, "isn't that…"
"Laguna!" Irvine felt a grin spread across his face, despite the misery he was feeling inside. He liked Laguna, a lot, they all did. Even Squall, once he'd got over seeing his father as an embarrassing jerk and had come to appreciate his finer qualities.
Irvine was always amazed, when he saw father and son side by side, as they were now, that none of them had even suspected they might be related, at first. Now it seemed obvious; they looked alike, but more than that, they shared a passionate nature and a good deal of pain that they both tried to hide: Squall behind his icy façade, and Laguna by reducing everything to stupid jokes.
Irvine had no idea who his own father had been, but if it had turned out to be someone like Laguna, he would have been pleased.
Laguna greeted them all with his usual warmth and enthusiasm, and would probably have happily settled down to discuss old times and current problems over a few beers, if his son and Quistis hadn't had other ideas. But they did.
Squall talked them through recent events calmly, in his clear, public voice. He reminded them of the warning Edea had passed on to them: that the Dia were a malignant race, living mostly underground, probably descended from monsters of some past lunar cry. That they had been developing something - probably weapons - from rare energy crystals, and SeeD had been asked to find out more, to prepare, if necessary, for war.
He reminded them, as if anyone needed reminding, what had happened to Selphie.
He told them about Chet, and Oceanus, and Gemini.
And finally, he told them about Bane, and Xu.
When he stopped speaking, there were no questions. Even Zell was silent, thoughtful. Irvine shot a glance across the table at Frila, suddenly realising that most of this was new to her. She was just staring at Squall, wide-eyed and completely still.
Quistis quietly distributed papers. "We have a lot of work to do," she said, her voice somehow brighter and clearer than usual. "And little time to do it. We have to establish the status of Selphie Tilmitt and, if possible, retrieve her. We must ensure that all three Gardens are running at full capacity, in order to meet any threat. And we must get the research programme back on schedule as quickly as possible…"
Somehow the sound of Quistis preparing to tell them what to do jolted Irvine into a new sense of reality. Squall was pinching the scarred bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger, eyes squeezed shut as if he was trying to ease a headache. It dawned on him just how much more of this there was to worry about than Selphie, and how all of it had fallen, as usual, on Squall's shoulders.
Alone. Rinoa was still fighting her way back from the devastation of her first mission; Selphie was gone, Zell and Quistis had been… actually, Irvine realised he didn't really know what was going on with Zell or Quistis. Xu had lost it completely, and Irvine… he had betrayed Squall's trust altogether. They didn't look much like the perfectly synchronised team that beat Ultimecia.
"… there is no conflict of priority between these aims," Quistis continued, "but we need to work together if we're to achieve them all. Personnel have been designated as follows…"
Personnel? Designated? It didn't seem that long ago that Squall's commands for the six of them would have consisted of : 'Irvine, Selphie, you're with me; Zell, Quistis, Rinoa, try and stay out of trouble.'
"… Irvine, Rinoa and Frila will go with Squall to investigate the Dian labs and, if possible, retrieve Selphie…"
Frila? Woah… Irvine shot a glance at her: she swallowed hard, shock and disbelief plain on her face.
"Zell and Xian will head up the training side of Garden in Xu's absence, while I'll take care of the day to day running of things for Squall. Laguna will be here to help, and to liaise with the military side of the operation. Before I go on to give you your specific orders, are there any questions?"
"How long is this going to take?" asked Rinoa. "I mean, it won't take that long to rescue Selphie, will it? Why the big back up team here?"
"In case we don't come back at all, first off," said Squall, grimly. "And secondly, once we've got Selphie, we need to catch up on all the work Chet lost us. I want to get hold of him and find out what he knows. It might take a while, Rin. And I can't be in two places at once."
"I can come with you," said Zell. "Xian can run things without me. Why do you want to leave me behind?"
Squall sighed. "I can't take any risks, Zell. I want as many SeeDs ready as possible in case this turns into a war. That means properly graduated, junctioned, well-trained SeeDs. Xian can't do that on her own."
"But it's Selphie…"
"Zell, that's enough," Squall's cold voice cut across the table.
"Um… excuse me?" Frila hesitantly raised a hand.
Everyone looked at her: she blushed a little.
Irvine found her foot under the table with his, gently stroked her socked ankle with his booted one.
She blinked, but looked straight at Squall. "Why me?" she asked, her voice a little hesitant. "I mean, I don't mean to be disrespectful, and I'm honoured to be asked, but… I'm only a cadet. And not a very good one, at that, and you're all… um… just… what could I possibly to do help?"
"Oceanus," said Squall, as if that explained everything.
"But… yeah, he wants to go, I know, but… one of you could take him. You don't need me."
"It wants you to go. It wants to be in your head."
"Well, that's what he said, I know, but…"
"Frila, we listen to Guardians," said Quistis, patiently. "I know we're having problems at the moment, but Oceanus has been with us for a very long time. They very, very rarely ask for anything. If they do, it's usually important. It's a lot to ask of you, we realise that. But we wouldn't ask you to do it if we didn't think you were capable. That wouldn't make sense for anyone."
"And anyway," said Squall, flatly, "it's an order."
Frila flashed a look at Irvine; he gave her the tiniest nod.
"Of course, Sir," she said. "I'll do my best."
"How are we going to get in?" asked Rinoa. "I looked everywhere before I left Selphie. There was no way back, I'm sure."
"Laguna can help us with that," said Quistis.
"We've done some more geophysical surveys of the area," Laguna explained. "We've found more tunnels to the east of the complex you were in. They're deeper, so probably older than the ones you used. One of them seems to link up with a cave on the coast, about five miles away. It should be possible for you to enter that cave, and work your way underground from there."
The blood drained from Rinoa's face. "Five miles?" she whispered. "Underground?"
"Probably nearer seven, by the time you reach the main area. The Geophys. results give something like a map, though, which will be better than you had last time, at least. And the tunnels are bigger; not much, but enough that you should all be able to use them."
"The rest of your orders are in your packs," said Quistis. "Make sure you study them, especially the maps, for the retreival party. Good luck, everybody."
Irvine cast his eyes around the table. Quistis looked happy enough, straightening her papers. Zell was glaring at Squall, heels tapping irritably on the floor. Rinoa looked pale and worried, burying her fingers in Angelo's soft fur. He couldn't see Frila's face: her head was down, reading the papers in front of her. But her hand shook a little, as she turned the pages.
Squall just stared down at the table, suddenly looking tired and more pissed off than ever.
"You're quiet, Irvine," said Laguna, his gaze meeting Irvine's across the table. "Everything okay?"
"I guess," said Irvine. "It's all a bit of a shock. But we're behind Squall a hundred percent, as always. We'll beat this."
Rinoa snuck a hand under the table, and squeezed Irvine's.
There was none of the usual banter as they left the meeting room. Irvine was painfully aware of the gap in their lives where Selphie should've been. She would have cracked a joke, or scolded Squall, and diffused the heavy atmosphere. But she wasn't there, so the tension stayed, heavy in the air, as they went their separate ways.
* * * * * * *
Rinoa hesitated at Squall's door.
"You coming in, or what?" he asked.
"Do you want me to?"
"Of course. What's wrong?"
Rinoa shrugged. "Nothing, just… you haven't said a word to me since we left the briefing. I wondered if you wanted to be alone."
"No," he kissed her forehead, softly. "Of course not. I've just got a lot on my mind, that's all."
"Yes. Of course. Sorry. Silly me." She followed him inside.
They got ready for bed in silence. Rinoa tried not to think about the mission, or Selphie, or especially the prospect of miles and miles of tunnels… she crawled gratefully under the covers and into Squall's arms.
He kissed her gently, stroking her hair.
"You haven't asked me about Xu," she said, quietly.
"What about Xu?"
"How she is."
"Oh. How is she?"
"She's very upset. It's not her fault, you know, that she couldn't tell us. This mind block thing sounds awful."
"That's not the point. She should have told me before that. She could have found a way."
"Squall, she's only human. You're too hard on her. Did you really have to suspend her?"
"She let me down. Rinoa, she knows the score," he said, wearily. "She's been a SeeD longer than any of us. I can't take any more chances."
"But did you have to…"
"Are you questioning my decision?" His Commander's voice.
She pulled herself out of his arms. "Don't talk to me like that. Not here."
"What?" he frowned, confused.
"Don't give me orders. Not when we're off duty. Not in bed."
"But I didn't mean… Rinoa, I was explaining…"
"No. You weren't. You were telling."
"I'm sorry, I didn't… Rinoa, come here."
"And what about Irvine?" she found herself saying.
He rolled onto his back.
"What's going on?" she persisted. "You can't think I didn't notice, at the briefing. What's happened?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Is it the other day? When he went awol on you?"
"No."
"Well what, then? He's hurting, Squall, and he needs us. You need him. What's wrong?"
There was a long silence. Rinoa felt panic rising; she couldn't believe they were fighting, now of all times. She was frightened, and worried about him; she wanted to snatch the words back, to curl up in his arms and for everything to be alright.
He just lay there, one arm thrown across his eyes, perfectly still. If he hadn't been breathing so hard, she might have thought him to be asleep.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm just scared. Don't shut us out, Squall. I love you. Irvine loves you. We only want to help."
His body stiffened.
"You don't know what you're talking about."
"What d'you mean?"
"Irvine's not… he… I can't…" Squall squeezed his eyes tight shut behind his arm, frustrated, words failing him as ever. "You just wouldn't understand," he said.
"I want to try. Explain it to me."
"I can't. I just…"
"Squall, what's wrong? Please tell me." She was starting to feel really worried now. She hadn't seen Squall this closed off for a long time, and he'd shut down so fast, so completely... He hardly felt like the same person who'd held her in his arms that morning and made everything feel so much better…
"It doesn't matter," he said.
"But…"
"It's between me and Irvine. Nothing to do with you. Just leave it."
"Squall…"
He turned away from her; she reached out to touch him but he flinched away.
"Squall, you're scaring me. I understand if you don't want to talk, but…"
"I'm tired, Rinoa. Just… fucking leave it, alright?"
She stared at his hostile back, furious with him and sad for him all at the same time, not sure whether she wanted to hit him, or cuddle up to him, or just plain run away.
In the end she turned away from him and curled up on her side, gazing into the darkness. His breathing slowed, settled into its sleeping rhythm, and she listened to it, tears running silently down her face.
* * * * * * *
Squall dreamed, lying with his back to Rinoa and his fist clenched tightly next to his cheek.
He was in Ultimecia's castle, alone. He knew the Sorceress was behind the next door, but he hesitated. He didn't think he could do this, alone.
Unsure of what else to do, he opened the door anyway, to find Rinoa and Irvine already there. Already fighting. Before he could react, the Sorceress had him caught in a stop spell; he couldn't fucking move, he just had to watch as Greiver ripped them apart, the people he loved most in the whole world rended piece by piece, an orgy of blood and flesh. Paralysed, he couldn't even scream, anguish trapped in his chest like a live thing trying to tear its way out of his body.
And then he was in the desert prison, still paralysed, and there was screaming… Seifer was tormenting someone, but Squall couldn't see who, just a shadowy form tied to a post in the corner of the room. He had a vague impression of dirty brown hair and grazed limbs, and Seifer leering, undoing his pants... shoving his cock into a screaming mouth… Frightened green eyes turned towards him and Squall felt something inside him shatter as he watched Seifer take Selphie, ignoring her struggles, using her body with a hunger that was nothing to do with desire. He couldn't not look, that would be running away, but he couldn't do anything, he was dying inside… he felt hopeless and powerless, and eventually she turned her eyes away from him, stopped struggling and lay, impassively, vacantly, while Seifer raped her.
Then he was in the orphanage, curled up in bed with Irvine. He felt warm, and comfortable, with strong naked arms wrapped around him… he raised his head for a kiss, and Irvine brushed his lips with his own, oh so gently, stroking his back, pulling him close. Squall never wanted the kiss to end, pushing his body against Irvine's, breathing hard, passion rising. He stroked Irvine's hair, short and fuzzy near the nape of his neck, like stroking a terrier… he licked Irvine's ear, smooth, unpierced… he drifted a hand to Irvine's waist, thick with muscle…
No. Not Irvine. This wasn't Irvine.
He raised his head.
Seifer.
Then he had his gunblade in his hand… no. Not his. Not Lionheart. It was Hyperion, Seifer's blade, that glinted at him, that called to him, that he thrust deep into Seifer's heart and twisted, drenching them both in blood and gore, revenge and hatred hot and bitter on his tongue..
Only… not Seifer, after all. He'd been mistaken, after all. It wasn't Seifer's dead eyes that stared up at him.
Squall looked into a haze of violet and red, and screamed.
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If you've been following this story on ffnet, or the smut-lite version on my website, and are beginning to wonder if Ether's playing tricks with your mind as well, don't worry. The less-smutty versions just took Squall's POV regarding the episode with Irvine - i.e. as far as he was concerned, it hadn't happened ^ ~
Oh, and next update will be very soon, as I wrote these two chapters together. The break is just for dramatic effect. Yeah, I know, evil of me, huh? ::cackle::