Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks.

Many thanks to gwen and laura for beta-ing and giving general encouragement :)

This is brutally hacked in places to conform with fan fiction net's censorship policy. The full NC-17 version with all the smut the author intended is on my website, www.scribblemoose.co.uk ^_^

I'm still a review junkie, so please tell me what you like and what you don't, here or by e-mail (fanfic@scribblemoose.co.uk) And many thanks to my regular reviewers, who keep me going when the chapters don't come easy ;)

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Chapter 25 - Refuge

Quistis opened her eyes on the new day with a now-familiar sense of dread.

She felt sick, her head ached, she was tired already, and it was barely dawn. She didn't want to move.

She wanted to die, although the thought of death was more terrifying than ever.

She wanted her friends back, although she'd been quick enough to want them gone.

She had to get up. She'd arranged to see Laguna for breakfast. Last night, after dinner, when they'd sat in the officers' bar for hours and talked, Pandemonia's power and alcohol rushing through her blood to lift her spirits, the treacherous voice of happiness in her mind telling her everything was alright… last night, when so much seemed possible, like getting up in the morning, showering and meeting someone for breakfast.

She had to get up. If she didn't, Laguna would know.

With more willpower than it had taken to fight Ultimecia, she swung her legs out of bed and stood up. She did this every day. Every single day. She could do it today, too. She took a deep breath and stretched as she pulled her nightshirt off, shaking her head to free her hair. She took a firm step towards the shower.

I can do this. I can do it. Without help. I can do this.

Her body was trembling, she realised. Maybe she was sick. She could call Laguna, then, with a perfectly good excuse not to go to breakfast. Was she sick?

She'd never had a day off ill in her life. She'd fought through migraines and period pains and colds, and even that infection from the stupid grat scratch she hadn't noticed after training that time, and never taken so much as a… well, the odd drop of elixir, maybe, like anyone would, here and there, if there was no other way, but…

She frowned. When had that started, exactly?

Quistis absently sat back down on the edge of her bed, thinking. She couldn't remember the first time she'd used elixir. She'd always had it around. All the cadets in her year had used it, not to get through the day, but for pleasure, or to heal the odd wound that they weren't allowed to use magic for. Not much, just occasionally. It was expensive, of course, but one of her friends stole it from the store in Balamb. They used to pour tiny drops on their skin to feel the fizz. And then, as they started to get interested in more specific parts of their bodies, it was only natural to see how the fizz felt in more private places… but not often. Not often at all. Hardly ever. And only for fun.

She hadn't used it all the while they were trailing after Ultimecia, except when Squall had given it to them to save their lives. She'd stopped buying it for herself not long after she became an instructor, after she lost a bottle in the training centre and worried it might have got into the wrong hands, that she'd get into trouble, or they'd trace it back to the shop in Balamb.

She couldn't remember when she'd started using it like this. But elixir wasn't addictive. It had no withdrawal symptoms, it was just magic.

Am I sick?

Then she remembered the wine, last night, at least a bottle each, maybe more. She sighed with huge relief. A hangover. Of course, she wasn't sick, or having some previously unheard of elixir-withdrawal, or going mad. She just had a hangover.

She shook her head, smiling at herself for being so blind, and strode more confidently to the shower, calling Pandemonia as she went, and ignoring the faint sense of unease at the back of her mind.

~Esuna~

The headache cleared, and the trembling stopped, mostly. That's better. She stood under the shower and turned the jet on full, tilting her face to the water; gasped as the blast struck her skin, closing her eyes as it brought her body swiftly to life.

She could do this. She had to. It was only breakfast, after all. She could smile and laugh and eat breakfast, then Laguna would never know how weak and pathetic she really was, and she could lock herself away for the rest of the day.

Quistis, listen to yourself…

She choked a sob, furiously soaping her hair and body, eyes closed against tears and stinging shampoo alike.

I can do this, I can do this…

She rinsed quickly and shut off the water, slipping into a plain towelling robe, drying her hair roughly. She almost ran through to her living quarters, searching through her basket of unsorted laundry for underwear and clean uniform, as yet unironed, needing to keep the momentum going, afraid to stop and think. When did she stop bothering to iron things as soon they were washed? When did her living area become such a jumble of papers and clothes? When? How? Why was she suddenly so useless?

Her headache and exhaustion returned all at once; she sat wearily on an almost-clear patch of sofa, pulling her robe more tightly around herself, and let the tears come. Her whole body wracked with huge, gut-wrenching sobs, everything around her still, as if frozen in time, while she gave vent to huge, overwhelming misery.

She didn't hear the door open.

"Quisty?"

She looked up at him with liquid, red-rimmed eyes. "Oh, gods," she whispered. "oh, gods, not you. Oh gods. I can't…"

"It's okay, baby," she felt strange, detached, as if she was watching herself from a distance as a strong arm wound around her shoulder, and almost-familiar hair brushed her face.

"Laguna, I… oh gods, you shouldn't see me like this, I just," she yanked breath almost painfully into her lungs between sobs, "I don't know what's wrong with me, and I'm so scared and it's all so dark, so, so dark, and I… I… I…"

"Shhh. You don't have to say anything, baby. Just let me hold you."

Quistis clung to Laguna as if he were all that stood between her and oblivion, and wept in his arms.

* * * * * * *

Irvine watched as Frila lay Selphie carefully in the back of the jeep, longing so badly to touch her, hold her, but afraid she'd wake up again. It had happened just once, in the tunnels, when they'd paused and he'd reached to stroke her hair; she'd jerked to life and screamed, so loud he thought his ears would shatter. There was such hatred and fear in that scream, he was almost glad it had been too dark to see what was in her eyes.

All this time he'd focused on this moment, on getting his 'Elf back, even if she was with Xu, just to know she was safe and see her smile… but there was no smile. Not for him.

Rinoa squeezed him gently on the shoulder, breaking into his thoughts. "Hold this for Frila," she said, handing him a small bowl of warm water. "As soon as we've got Selphie cleaned up and properly cured we're going to Esthar. Squall thinks Odine might be our best chance of finding out what's happened."

"Yes, I suppose…" Irvine cast his eyes over to Squall, who was standing a little way off, examining a map with his usual frown on his face. "You were amazing, Rin," he said, absently. "You OK?"

"Yeah," there was still the tint of rainbow in her eyes, but otherwise she looked her usual self. "The last half an hour or so was a bit rough, after I came down some. But I'm OK. Still no magic, though."

"What?" Irvine almost dropped the bowl. "You've lost your magic? How?"

"I can't… I can't think about it. If I try to pull my power together it just…" she shuddered. "Ick. It feels all wrong. And if I try real hard I feel like I'm going to throw up, and my head starts to hurt. So I figure, maybe I just don't need to use magic for a while. Maybe…"

"Rin, that's a mind block," said Irvine, fighting a growing sense of panic. "Like Xu and Squall. That's Bane."

"What?" Her eyes flared for a moment, slight orange tints highlighted in the rainbows, "no, surely not, it's… just… it's…"

"Squall! Get out of that map and over here," Irvine yelled, trying to keep his voice steady. "I think we have a problem."

"What's the matter?" Squall strode towards them, dropping the map back in the jeep. "Is Selphie OK?"

"Yeah, it's just Rin… I think she has a mind block. Like…"

"I'm not sure," said Rinoa, "maybe if I… ow, fuck, that hurts."

"Gods, Rin!" Squall slid an arm around her shoulder, "why didn't you tell me?"

"I just did," Rinoa pointed out, "I didn't know what it was… it just … ow."

"Try not to think about it," said Squall. "Then it won't hurt."

"Hn. That's easier said than done." Rinoa grunted.

"It's OK, Rin, we can get it out," Irvine took her hand, soothing, "it'll be allright. I promise. I just need to get Ether back. Squall, I need two Returners, you know how hard it is to get Ether to wake up. Unjunction Gemini, Rin, Ether doesn't like her. And we'll need to get away from Selphie, I think Ether might upset her if she wakes up. You OK with that, Frila?"

"Sure," Frila took the bowl from him, dipping a soft cloth in the water. "I'll get her cleaned up and make sure she stays asleep."

"We'll go down to the beach," said Squall. "There's a quiet spot just behind the dunes over there that Rin and I found last night when we were… patrolling."

Irvine took just a moment to enjoy the blush that spread across Squall's perfect cheekbones.

"Patrolling, eh?" he smirked, gripping Rinoa's hand tightly. "Is that what they call it these days?"

"Shut up, Irvine," said Squall, "let's get this done."

"What, exactly?" asked Rinoa, worriedly, following Irvine and Squall as they led her away from the jeep. "You're scaring me here, guys."

"Sorry, Rin. I just need to use Ether, and… it's kind of like dispelling a spell. That's all."

"And you've done this before?"

"Yes. Xu had the same thing. And Squall."

"Squall! Squall, you never told me!"

"It's not important," said Squall. "It wasn't… it didn't matter. It's gone now."

"But why… did it block your power?"

"No, just…" Squall struggled, "it doesn't matter."

"Sometimes it stops you thinking about particular things," Irvine explained.

Rinoa frowned. "What things?"

"Oh, just.. things," said Irvine, noncommittally.

"So my power's still there?" she puzzled, "it just… ow!"

"Just relax," said Irivine. "I'll get rid of it. You'll be fine."

Irvine waited until they were settled before he tried to rouse Ether. Most Guardians could be brought back good as new from being knocked out, but for some reason Ether took it hard, maybe because it was so much more than a physical presence. He sat cross-legged opposite Rinoa, while Squall perched on a nearby rock watching.

Irvine gulped down the Returners, grimacing at the taste. That was another reason he usually liked to get Ether back by good old-fashioned sleep. Guardian potions tasted vile.

He waited for a moment, until he felt a familiar stirring in his mind, still very weak, despite the Returners, which struck Irvine as unusual.

~Ether?~

~Sniper.~

~You OK?~

~Weak. Power… fading. Need rest.~

~I'm sorry. I need you. Rinoa has a mind block, we need to go in and cleanse.~

~No power.~

~That's ok, I'll heal you.~

~Want. Need. Take.~

~Sorry, Ether. Can't do that right now.~ Irvine looked across at Rinoa, her body still glowing faintly with the remnants of Gemini's power, rainbow eyes expectant, almost hypnotic, her full breasts rising and falling with every breath… ~Stop that. I can't.~

~Want. Need. Take~

~Ether, for fuck's sake.~ "Squall, chuck over that Guardian mega-potion."

"Sure," Squall tossed a vial over to Irvine, shaking the hair out of his eyes as he did so; his soft, dark hair, that curtained those sultry grey eyes and fell as soft silk to his shoulders… ~Ether, dammit, stop it.~

~Want. Need. Take.~

~Oh, for crying out loud…~ Irvine gulped the potion down so fast he hardly tasted it, which, on reflection, was a blessing.

He breathed deeply for a few heartbeats, feeling Ether's power grow a little.

~OK, Ether?~

~Thank you, Sniper.~

~That's not a problem. Now, the mind block?~

~Of course.~

"Okay, Rin," he took Rinoa's hands in his own, "Ether and I are going to come into your mind. Just relax, and let it happen. We won't hurt you, but if you feel uncomfortable just squeeze my hands, OK? Don't try to pull back."

Rinoa nodded. "Fine."

Irvine was suddenly taken by how well she was taking all this. She showed none of Squall's reluctance, never mind Xu's fear. She welcomed him into her mind perfectly happily, as if it was something they did everyday.

He found the wall straight away, relieved that there wasn't any sign of Bane's echo. Just a wall, wide, very big, but then it would take that to keep a sorceress from her power, he supposed. It actually looked new, as though the mortar hadn't had time to set. He focused Ether through his mind, and started to take it apart.

He was set in for a long session, pleased that Rinoa didn't seem to mind him being there, but after the first few bricks the wall started to collapse by itself, suddenly as fragile and insubstantial as rice paper. Irvine continued to channel Ether's power, clearing away rubble and debris, but there was no real need. A soft wave of multicoloured light flushed through Rinoa's mind, rich with the sound of her laughter, and washed it all away in an instant.

He felt Rinoa's presence, confident, strong, happy. He felt her love for Squall, for himself, and a sudden memory, of that afternoon in the quad, when they'd kissed and she'd wanted to…

He pulled quickly back from the memory, realising it was hers, but couldn't help comparing it to his. The kiss, the regret, and then that precious afternoon with Squall…

~Irvine? What…~

Irvine pulled back from her mind, panicked.

~Ether? Are we done?~

~Sorceress is well. We leave.~

Irvine withdrew as quickly as he dared, and his eyes shot open, searching Rinoa's. He was dimly aware of Ether fading again, weakened; he let the junction go.

"Rin…"

"Irvine…"

"Oh fuck," he whispered. "I'm sorry, I didn't know you could… you were in my mind," he said, a little accusingly.

"Well, how was I supposed to know?!" Rinoa dropped his hands suddenly, and scrambled to her feet, indignant. "I was just curious, and I was thinking about you, and Squall and that day, and then you went somewhere, so I followed." She frowned. "Or something. I don't know, exactly."

Squall's cool voice cut the air between them. "What happened? Rin, are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine," she said, looking a little confused. "I went into Irvine's mind, he was remembering something, and…" her eyes widened, and she looked slowly from Irvine to Squall, and back again to Irvine. "Oh," she said, complete astonishment on her face. "Oh, my."

"Rinoa…." Squall started.

"She… I was remembering the day when… that afternoon," said Irvine, quietly. "The afternoon Rin graduated."

Squall swallowed hard.

"Oh my," said Rinoa again.

"Rin, I can explain," said Irvine.

"But you," she pointed at Squall, "and you," indicating Irvine, struggling for words. "You both… and… and… oh my." She sat down suddenly in the sand, blinking at them.

"It was Ether," said Irvine, "I was careless, and we'd been linked, like you and I were just now. Only I was still junctioned after, and the link was still there, so…"

"Ether made you do it?" she said, with a weak little laugh. "I thought you were supposed to be able to control Ether. I thought it couldn't put things there that…"

"I was wrong," said Irvine, quickly. "It was a mistake."

"No, it wasn't," Squall said, quietly. "He's trying to do the decent thing, Rin, but he's talking bollocks."

Irvine looked a little offended, but kept his mouth shut.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," said Squall. "It was just one of those things."

Rinoa looked at him, astonishment still plain on her face. "I hadn't the faintest idea you felt that way about each other," she said. "I thought it was just a dream…"

"What?" said Squall, rather abruptly. "What dream?"

Rinoa shrugged. "Oh, nothing," she said. "Just a dream I had once, with you and Irvine, I was watching you, you were on Irvine's bed and… I just thought it was my dirty little mind working overtime, but … maybe I picked up a vibe, or something. I really had no idea."

"It just happened," said Irvine. "It was one of those things. And it was before you guys got together. I'd never… he's yours Rin, you know that, right?"

"Yeah, I guess." Rinoa slowly pulled herself back up to standing. "Er.. do you mind if I just take a minute? I just need to be alone for a little while. You go back and check on Selphie, I won't be long."

Irvine and Squall exchanged a worried look.

"Okay," said Squall, a somewhat wretched tone to his voice. "Don't be long, huh? We've got to get Selphie to Esthar."

Rinoa nodded, her hand over her mouth, and turned away.

Oh no, thought Irvine. Just when I'd sorted things out with Squall, and now this. He'll never forgive me if she breaks up with him over this, and neither will she, and...

He followed Squall back towards the jeep. He could almost feel the anxiety held in his friend's hunched shoulders.

They'd just turned the corner around the dune when he heard laughter.

Squall looked back sharply. "What the fuck.."

Rinoa's laughter.

"Er, Squall… I think…"

There was no mistaking it. She was laughing, breathlessly, helplessly.

"What d'you know," Irvine grinned at Squall. "I think it'll be alright after all, don't you?"

"But…"

Then there were foosteps thumping in the sand behind them, and Rinoa caught up, flinging herself into Squall's arms, and kissing him soundly.

"I love you," she yelled, "you're just perfect, you know that?"

Irvine thought that no man on earth had ever looked quite so confused as Squall looked at that moment.

"And you!" Rinoa slapped Irvine somewhat roughly on the shoulder, "lay off my boyfriend!"

"I'll try and remember that, Ma'am." Irvine tipped his hat. "Although Ether…"

"And that goes double for your stupid Guardian."

"I'll try and explain that to him," said Irvine. "First chance I get. He's gone back to sleep for now, though."

"Just as well," said Rinoa, sternly.

"Come on," Squall gently disentangled Rinoa's arms from around his neck, setting her back onto the ground, but keeping one hand clasped firmly in his. "Let's get to Esthar, before Selphie wakes up again. I think I've taken enough excitement for one day."

"You're so funny, the pair of you," Rinoa skipped along next to Squall, a huge grin on her face. "Did you really think it would freak me out?"

Irvine shrugged. "Well, yes," he said. "Why wouldn't it?"

"Irvine, you have a reputation. It's hardly a shock that you had sex with someone."

"I don't have a reputation," said Squall, quietly. "Or I didn't."

"No," admitted Rinoa, with a little squeeze to his hand, "but then you're always full of surprises."

Irvine caught the look between them, the one that said things were really alright, that they might need to talk about it properly later, but it wouldn't change anything. It was important, that look, a binding; loving, strong, secure.

He fell back a little and let them walk ahead.

He suddenly felt terribly, heart-wrenchingly alone.

* * * * * * *

"I just felt so lonely. They all seemed to be carrying on as normal," Quistis threw a soggy tissue vaguely at the bin, and plucked another from the box, "and I had all this responsibility, as usual, and they didn't…" She looked up at Laguna, needing the reassurance of his patient smile, "they thought I was boring."

"Oh, Quisty, I'm sure they didn't." Laguna took a mouthful of coffee, and set his mug down on the table. "It's always difficult, settling back to normal work, after a campaign. And Ultimecia wasn't just any campaign, was it?"

"But it wasn't settling… back, exactly." Quistis ran her index finger around the rim of her mug.

"How so?"

"I wasn't a bureaucrat before Ultimecia," said Quistis, softly. "I was a teacher."

"Oh. Of course, you taught Squall…"

"And Zell," her mouth twisted slightly at the irony. "And… well, lots of them."

"What happened?" Laguna asked, gently.

"Oh no," she shook her head. "I don't want to go there. No-one knows but me and Cid, and… well, no-one who matters. I'd rather keep it that way, if you don't mind. It happened, and I can't take it back. That's all."

"But couldn't Squall…"

Quistis shook her head. "No. Not without him knowing, and I… I couldn't bear that. So, no. He couldn't."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I've come to terms with it, by now. Or… I thought I had." She looked around her, at the mess of her quarters, the robe she still wore, although it was nearly mid-day, her tangled hair falling around her shoulders in clumps. "I guess I have some work to do, after all."

"Maybe," he gave her a little smile. "Quisty, why didn't you tell anyone how you felt? Were they really all such a bunch of insensitive bastards?"

"Well… they were all busy with their own lives. It didn't seem important enough to mention to anyone. And it's only lately that it got so bad, really, and now we're about to fight a war… what do my problems matter, in the grand scheme of things?"

She meant it, Laguna realised. She didn't honestly think her feelings were of any consequence at all.

"Quistis, the others would be devastated if they knew you were so unhappy. Zell's already worried about you, you know."

"Is he?" she looked genuinely surprised.

"Yes. They think the world of you, we all do."

"I don't know why," she murmured, gazing into her coffee, watching a tiny speck of coffee ground floating around on the surface.

He paused. Because you're bright, beautiful, sensitive, strong, brave, he thought. But somehow, he couldn't find the words to tell her that without sounding trite, or patronising.

"We love you," he said. "You should know that."

She looked up at him, the faintest of smiles flickering across her face. "Thank you," she said. "I…"

She was interrupted by the sound of the phone.

"You'd better get that," Laguna said. "It might be news."

She dug the phone out from under a pile of Occult Fan magazines, and picked up the receiver.

"Quistis Trepe," she said. "Oh, hi, Zell… I'm fine, just er… what's up?… They have? Oh, that's great," she turned to Laguna and grinned broadly, "yes, of course, I'll be along in a few minutes. Just need to finish up here… no, don't bother, he's here, I'll tell him. Thanks… Bye."

She put the phone down.

"They've got Selphie?" Laguna asked, "are they alright?"

"Yes!" Quistis squealed, throwing her arms around him in a bear-hug. "And she's alive, and well and, oh, gods, thank goodness they all got out all right. They're going to Esthar, to see Odine. I said we'd go meet with Zell in a few minutes… fuck, I need to get dressed and…"

Laguna hugged her back, sighing into her hair as if he'd been holding his breath for a long time. "Go get dressed," he said. "I'll see you there, okay?"

"Yes," she nodded against his chest, his brushed-cotton shirt soft against her nose. "Oh, gods, thank you, Laguna," she looked up at him, "I wouldn't have got through this morning without you."

"Anytime," said Laguna. "I'll be here. Whenever you want to talk."

Her eyes stayed on his for a moment.

"Thank you," she whispered.

He slowly let her go, and she left his embrace, not without regret.

"See you later," Laguna grinned, and made his way to the door.

* * * * * * *

Irvine watched through the glass panel as Odine's medical staff settled Selphie into bed, attaching drips and sensors, tucking in sheets and blankets. His fingertips rested lightly on the window, as if he were touching her skin.

He felt Squall's hand on his shoulder.

"Alright, man?"

"We got her back," said Irvine, softly.

"Yes," said Squall. "We did."

"I didn't think it would be like this." Irvine pressed his forehead against the cool glass. "I thought she would run into our arms, and everything would be alright again."

Squall squeezed his shoulder, but didn't say anything.

"I thought maybe there would be tears," Irvine continued, "and that she'd perhaps be hurt. Last night I even thought she might be dead. But this… I never expected her to be like this. I never expected her to hate me."

"It's not you," said Squall gently. "She doesn't hate you. It's just Bane. Hyne, she's not that happy about me and Rin, either, from what Frila said. It has to be Guardian-related. It's nothing to do with you and Selphie."

"Isn't it?" Irvine noticed the nurse pulling the covers right up to Selphie's chin, and he wanted to yell at her: no, not like that, she likes them just over chest, so she has lots of room to breathe. And she likes her arms cuddled underneath, so her fingers don't get cold. And she likes you to tell her a story, only half way through she'll take it from you and make up her own ending, and you'd best just go along with her, or she'll pout and get cross, even if your ending was better….

"You and Selphie are bigger than this, Irvine."

"Maybe it's nothing to do with me anymore," said Irvine, a rare edge of bitterness to his voice. "Maybe it's just her and Xu. Maybe this is just to tell me to butt out."

"Don't be an idiot. Whatever there is between Xu and Selphie, man, it's nothing like what you have with her. You've loved her nearly all your life. Xu might get to sleep with her, but what you and Selphie have… That's how it works, for all… for most of us, from the orphanage. Otherwise, why did we come back together to fight Ultimecia? Why do we still stick around each other? You could've gone back to Galbadia, Selphie to Trabia, Rinoa to Timber. But you didn't. We always come back to each other."

There was a long pause, interrupted only by the faint beep of monitors from Selphie's room.

"Come and get some sleep," said Squall, gently. "You've been here for hours. Odine'll report to us in the morning."

Irvine was reluctant to tear himself away from the window, even though he knew Squall was right. He heard footsteps approaching: Rinoa and Frila.

"Wow! This place is amazing!" Frila was saying. "It's all so… pink, and I couldn't believe the mall, and … oh." Her voice tailed off as she saw Irvine, still gazing through the window. "Is she OK?"

"She's still sleeping," said Squall, hitching his jacket over one shoulder. "They'll probably keep her sedated for a while longer while they do… tests and stuff."

Rinoa went up to Irvine and spoke softly to him, gently prising him away from the glass.

"Is Irvine OK?" said Frila, quietly.

"He and Selphie are very close," said Squall, then changed the subject, not knowing what else to say. "You did very well today, Cadet. I'm proud of you."

Frila beamed at him. "Really? Wow, thanks."

"You sure did," added Irvine, as he and Rinoa joined them. "Not bad at all, Hotshot." He gave her a grin, despite the worry etched into his soft features.

Rinoa yawned conspicuously. "I'm tired," she said, and winked at Squall. "What d'you say we go back to the Palace and get some sleep?"

A grin appeared on Squall's face, probably without him even realising it. "Sounds like a good idea," he said.

"Oh, alright," Irvine sighed. "Let's get back before you two create a scandal. I can see it now, all over the Esthar Times: President's son in sex-in-lab shocker…"

"Shut up Irvine," said Squall, with unusual affability. "Or I'll make you."

"He thinks he's so tough," Irvine stage-whispered to Frila, as they followed Squall and Rinoa up the corridor, "just because he's commander, and he defeated this big powerful sorceress…"

"Irvine…" growled Squall, much less affably.

Irvine grinned, and threw Frila a wink. He looked almost his normal self.

Almost.

* * * * * * *

True to their word, Rinoa and Squall went straight to their rooms once they got to the Presidential Palace, leaving Irvine and Frila in the corridor with hastily-made arrangements to meet in the morning.

The door shut firmly behind them.

"Well," Irvine rubbed the back of his head, throwing Frila a sidelong glance. "Are you tired, Hotshot?"

"Not especially," said Frila. "It's only eight o'clock, and I slept in the jeep. You?"

"No," said Irvine, "but I am hungry. What d'you say we go get something to eat?"

Frila grinned at him. "Sounds good," she said. "Where?"

"Oh, there's this place I know," said Irvine. "I can bore you to death with stories about when we were here waiting for Squall to come back after he rescued Rinoa in space, and Zell insisted on looking everywhere for fucking hotdogs."

She laughed. "Did he really rescue her from space?"

"Oh yeah," Irvine led her out to the lobby, "real romantic, huh?"

"Stupid, if you ask me. How'd she get herself stuck out in space in the first place? I'd feel such a jerk if someone had to rescue me like that."

"She was kind of possessed. It wasn't her fault, really."

"Oh. Still. Embarrassing. I can't imagine Rinoa needing rescuing, somehow."

"Heh. Well, she's changed a lot." He nodded to the palace guards, and they stepped out into the bright lights of Esthar.

Irvine couldn't help but remember the last time he'd been here with Selphie. He was careful to avoid the hotel, even though it had the best restaurant in the whole City; he couldn't take Frila there. The memory of that afternoon was all he had of the life he'd wanted with Selphie, and the way things were it looked like it would be all he would ever have of it, so he guarded it jealously.

Esthar was beautiful at night, the soft pink glow of the shield that protected the City from the outside world casting a hazy glimmer of light over everything. The streets were clean, and the people friendly. Irvine always felt at home here, and watching Frila take it all in with wide-eyed enthusiasm made him feel better. It made Ether feel better too, slowly recovering somewhere in the back of Irvine's mind, growing enough in power that Irvine started to feel it in his limbs, healing the minor aches and pains from their battle with Chet.

The tunnels seemed a long way away, all of a sudden.

After they'd eaten he took her to a bar, and they drank beer and Frila made him tell her stories about Ultimecia, and what it was like, defeating a sorceress. He concentrated on the funny parts, mostly. Partly because he didn't want to dwell on the fear, or the violence, but also because he realised he really liked the sound of her laughter. It was natural and genuine, and it made her eyes shine like sunlight glinting off the ocean.

There was a short silence, after a while. She fiddled with the label on her beer bottle, deep in thought.

Irvine waited.

"Irvine…"

"Yep."

"Can you remember the first time you killed someone?"

"Yes." He would always remember. Always. "Why?"

"I just… what did it feel like?"

"It's different for everyone, Hotshot."

"I suppose. I…"

"You'll deal with it," he said carefully, "when the time comes."

She looked up at him. "How do you know that? How… what if I can't?"

He reached out a hand, cupped her jaw softly, stroked her cheek with his thumb. "We all do, babe. It's hard. But you will. You're strong."

She looked as though she was about to say something, but the words didn't come. He let his hand fall back to the table between them, but didn't resist when she laced her fingers through his.

She couldn't stifle a yawn.

"It's been a tough day," he said. "You ready to go back now?"

"I guess," she admitted, and drained the last of her beer. "But it's a nice evening. Let's not take the elevator thingie back. Let's walk, huh?"

So they walked back to the Palace in the pale pink moonlight, and somehow, Irvine realised, he was still holding her hand.

* * * * * * *

Rinoa dreamed, one thigh crossed over Squall's, her fingers still loosely tangled in his hair.

They were in the tunnels, but she wasn't afraid. She could feel Irvine's arms firmly wrapped around her middle as he held her from behind, while Squall's back was strong and warm in front of her. He leaned back into her, his hair tickled her face; she slid her arms around his belly, teasing his neck with her warm lips. She felt so safe and secure, surrounded by hard male flesh, and she luxuriated in it, moving her body to better feel theirs; the lean muscle and sinew of Squall's back against her breasts, Irvine's erection pressing between her buttocks.

Then they were in the conference room at Garden, and she was lying on her back on the huge table, Squall kneeling between her legs, teasing her with fingers and tongue as Irvine kissed and licked her nipples. They covered every inch of her flesh between them, but even with her eyes closed she could tell which touch belonged to which of them. She arched her back and cried out, feeling strong and beautiful, her nerve-endings brought to multi-coloured life by the pure pleasure of their skin on hers.

Then they were in the bathroom in Esthar, the showerhead raining over them. She watched Irvine and Squall as they kissed, Irvine running gunsteady hands over Squall's pale skin, nipping possessively at the soft flesh of his neck, cupping the soft curve of his ass in one hand. She approached them slowly, almost afraid to interrupt, but Squall reached out and grabbed her hand, smiling and watching her out of the corner of his eye, even as Irvine started to kiss him again. She put an arm about each of them, breathing the scent of clean, wet male bodies, and they parted enough for her to slip between them. She faced Squall, Irvine behind her again, like in the tunnel, except this time it was light, and the water cascaded over them like sunshine. Squall blinked at her through dripping bangs, his eyes bright and happy, and she could hear Irvine's sweet voice murmuring in her ear, pausing every now and then to lick and kiss her neck, to suck on her earlobe… she took Squall's wet lips with her own, as Irvine lifted her easily; she wrapped her legs around Squall's slender waist and impaled herself on him, supported by Irvine's arms and her own strong thighs. Squall threw his head back, exposing the graceful line of his throat, the water giving an ethereal glow to his skin. Rinoa leaned back against Irvine and let him support her as she writhed, reaching back to help Irvine take his pleasure..

She loved them so much, and it felt good, and right, just how it should be. She took her pleasure in their arms; everything was liquid and flowing, and the tiny drops of water that clung to her body reflected every colour of the rainbow.

* * * * * * *

They reached Irvine's door first, the one after Squall's; Frila's was the next one down the hall.

"This is it, I guess," Irvine said, still holding her hand, his eyes twinkling at her. "Can you make it on your own from here?"

"Sure," she said. But she didn't let go, either.

She gave him a little smile, and he wanted her. Gods, he wanted her.

~Want. Need. Take.~

~No.~

"You'd better go," he said, and he could see she'd noticed the urgency in his voice.

"Why, what's up?" she didn't look innocent, exactly, more surprised.

"Because it would be wrong," he said, "if I were to ask you in."

"Why? We could just… cuddle."

She wanted him, too, he could see it in her eyes.

~Want. Need. Take.~

There was a hunger in Ether's voice that Irvine hadn't felt for a long time. The battle and the cleansing had taken it's toll, of course. And there had been the mind link, with Rinoa in the tunnel… oh, shit. The mind link.

"No. We couldn't. Believe me, we couldn't."

She raised her hand to his face, and he felt as though his skin were on fire.

"Why not? It's not the stupid age thing, is it? Because…"

~Want. Need. Take. ~

"Of course it fucking is, that, and Selphie, but more than that…. It would be wrong and… oh, gods…"

She was just stroking his hair, soothing him, her body pressing ever so slightly against his.

~Want. Need. Take.~

She felt so good.

"We could just cuddle," she insisted. "Like friends, if you want to be all moral about it. You need someone to hold."

Oh, gods, did he need someone to hold.

~Want. Need. Take.~

"It's not just that," he forced himself to take her hand and pull it away from his hair.

~Want. Need. Take.~

~Ether, stop it.~

~Sniper. Need. Now. It hurts. Too weak. Sorceress…~

The mind link, in the tunnel. Ether couldn't heal from that by rest alone. That's why he'd faded out, after cleansing Rinoa's mind block. Irvine had forgotten.

~I can't. When we're inside, I'll heal you, and I'll… think of something. When we're inside. Just wait.~

~I will wait. But it hurts.~

Ether's voice retreated to a low hum.

"I'm sorry, Hotshot."

Frila drew back from him, a faint blush on her cheeks. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to throw myself at you. Fuck." She turned away, pulling her hand from his. "Sorry. I'm such a jerk."

"No, you're not. It's not… Frila, it's me that should be sorry."

He caught her hand again, pulled her to him, hugged her, kissing the top of her head.

"It's not Selphie. It's not you. It's just that I couldn't trust myself."

A few seconds passed; he could feel her heartbeat strong against his chest.

"Why? You've been fighting me off for days. What makes tonight any different?"

Tonight my Guardian is hungry and he keeps telling me to fuck your brains out, and I'm lonelier than you could ever imagine, and you're so warm, and nice, and you smell so good….

"Maybe you're just wearing down my defences," he said, as lightly as he could manage.

"Really?" She looked up at him, a twinkle in her eye. "Oh good," she said, and reached on tiptoe to kiss him.

Her mouth was soft and eager, her strong, lithe little body was pressing against him, and Ether rejoiced in his head. He couldn't fight any more.

He reached behind him to open the door, and they tumbled into his room.

He kissed her hungrily, pushing her jacket over her shoulders as he somehow managed to get the two of them over by the bed. He couldn't think any more, his mind was full of Ether's voice, and his overwhelming desire, and he needed this, her, now, more than he'd needed anything in his whole life. She was so hot and willing, her hands roving eagerly over his body, sliding under his T-shirt to feel the bare flesh underneath. He rapidly unbuttoned her shirt, running his hands over her breasts and down to her belly without having the patience to deal with her bra; he moved straight to her pants and had them undone and sliding down her thighs with a squeak of leather before she'd got more than the top button of his jeans open.

He forced himself to pause, then, and look at her.

She was panting almost as hard as he was, her lips wet, slightly swollen from his rough kisses, a slight flush across her cheeks. Her eyes bored into him, vivid green and dark with desire, and her face was framed with a few damp curls that had escaped from her braid.

~Want.~

"Are you sure you want this?" he gasped. "Because if I go any further I won't be able to stop."

She looked him straight in the eyes, flicked her tongue over her moist lips.

"Yes," she said. "I want you."

That was all he needed. He pushed her back on the bed, pulling her pants and underwear over her knees and feet with one hand, undoing his own jeans with the other.

He let himself fall forwards, his hands landing either side of her head, holding his body just above hers. His ponytail swung down over one shoulder, brushing her face.

~Need.~

He kissed her, knowing he was being rough, just remembering to make sure she was kissing him back. Her hands were on his waist, agonisingly soft, but pliant, willing.

He dipped his hips a little, so the head of his cock made contact with silky, wet folds.

~Take.~

She cried out in surprise as he entered her, her nails digging into his flesh, and he covered her mouth with his, kissing her until she relaxed under him, moving her hands to his back, accepting his tongue into her mouth, winding hers around it.

One solitary tear ran down his nose and splashed onto her face, and his mind screamed victory at him.

* * * * * * *

Still high on good news, Quistis went back to her room after work to change for dinner. Her hair was hopeless once it had dried untended as it had that morning, but she brushed it out as best she could and tied it up again, and somehow she managed to secure it with enough grips that it stayed reasonably under control.

Fifteen minutes later she was dressed and made up, and ready to face the cafeteria again. It hadn't been an easy day, but she was feeling better. Laguna had stayed around, helping her with the work, encouraging her when she started to slip back into the darkness. He'd even made her laugh. Zell's anxious attentions hadn't seemed so irritating, she hadn't felt quite so resentful when he went to address the new cadets with Xian. For the first time in what felt like a long while, she thought that maybe, just maybe, things could be alright again.

She was just collecting her bag from behind the sofa when the door chime rang.

She went to the door and opened it, half-expecting to see Laguna, or maybe Zell, to make sure she hadn't forgotten she was meeting them.

It wasn't Laguna, or Zell.

"Thanks for the welcome, Instructor. Fuck me, you're as white as a sheet, you know. What's wrong?" He leaned against the door frame, a smirk on his face, hands stuffed in the pockets of his black leather duster. "Seen a ghost?"

She stared, her bag dropping to the floor.

"You… what are you doing here?"

"Come on, Quisty," he grinned at her, arrogant as ever. "That's no welcome for an old student. I sent you an e-mail, you know. I was very hurt you didn't reply, though. Mind if I come in?"

Without waiting for an answer, Seifer Almasy was across the threshold and walking towards her like a nightmare, the door swishing closed behind him.