Is There More?
Author: Knowhere
Chapter 18: Solo
Rating: Pg-13
Disclaimer: Nothing
AN: This is the last chapter. An epilogue will appear soon enough. Words cannot convey how glad I am that you would stick with me for this long. It has been a journey especially for me—this being my first multi-chaptered story. Thank you.
Side Note: For the reviewer that left me a message that said that they noticed the parallels in last chapter's line (…the one thing that finally cut the strings from childhood to maturity…) compared to emrie's To Fabricate Unknowness, I must say that you are one devoted reader. To actually notice my underlining secret dedication to emrie is beyond awesome. I'm really impressed that you would actually notice.
Summary: AU. College life is a journey of ups and downs; are Rory and Jess ready to take on what life is about to throw at them including a prospect of a new relationship, or will they choose the path of friendship like they did years ago? Literati.
I slowly unbutton the collar shirt that he wears, taking the buttons one at a time. We stand at the foot of the bed, both just staring at my fingers nimbly making their way down the plain navy shirt. I'm on the third button and he leans forward to gently place a kiss on my forehead. I stop my quest for just a minute, relaxing and enjoying the sensation of his lips on my skin. He pulls back and continues to stare down at my hands that lie flat on his chest now. I gather my wits and continue my journey. I'm at the last button and the shirt parts in two, revealing the vast expanse of skin that is his chest. He lets his arms down to his side so that the shirt may fall gently off his shoulders. I lean forward and just tuck my head underneath his chin, just relishing in the soft scent of his cologne. He swallows and I can feel it as it passes down his throat; I kiss his Adam's apple and he takes a deep breath as if to calm his nerves. I pull back and lift my head to look at him straight in his eyes for first time since I started unbuttoning his shirt. "Jess…" I don't know what else to say. There are no words.
He smiles softly at me; it is devoid of the usual teasing or flirtatious smirk. It's only a true and genuine smile that he rarely lets anybody else see. Jess reaches out and uses one hand to tuck my hair behind my ear while he kisses me tenderly on my cheek. It burns and I'm sure that it shines a scarlet hue. I raise my arms and he takes his time, gingerly fingering the fabric of my shirt while he leisurely lifts it up and over my head one inch at a time. The shirt falls to the ground, discarded and forgotten while Jess unhurriedly runs the palms of his hands up my arms to the base of my neck. He cups the conjunction of my neck and slants his lips tenderly over mine. It's the first kiss of the night and it is without the frenzy scramble of infatuation. He takes his time exploring my mouth while I hold onto his shoulders memorizing every movement of his lips. Jess traces the curves of my mouth and nips at my swollen bottom lip. I gradually release his lips to take a deep breath in and he makes a small sound of protest. I smile up at him and the dim light of the city casts a soft light on his face, making the angular contrasts of his jaw bone even more apparent. My hands wander down to the zipper of his jeans, and his fingers hold me affectionately at the curve of my hip bones. He takes a hold of my hand and leads me to his bed. Jess tugs me close to him and we lay down enjoying the moment together.
---------------------------------------------
I sigh and slide up the window shield, looking out at the infinite darkness that surrounds me. The tiny light above me illuminates the soft pages in my hands. I lift them up to read them again and my heart sinks at the carefully penned words.
Rory: Life is full of challenging surprises, isn't it? We both know that this time apart will bring you one step closer to your goal. I want you to explore and find yourself because now there will be no one blocking your way—not family, not school, and not even me. Nothing brings more pain than to look back and regret decisions in your life, as cliché as that sounds, you should be able to leave your life knowing that you could not have done anything differently to make yourself happier. I don't want to you worry about the outcome; I want you to enjoy yourself. It's your time to test the winds and fly because you can never find your passion if you don't do it alone. You have always been surrounded by people who love you enough to want to make your decisions for you; but now you need to go and do it yourself. However for me, after years of being on my own, I find solace in the knowledge that you want to be right next to me, encouraging me with your words. I cannot tell you here with these words how much I thank God every morning for letting me into your life when I see your face besides me. I know you worry about us but I know that words cannot comfort you the way that you would like. Actions speak volumes and after all those years of waiting for you, I know that a couple of months won't make me change my mind. Go and show that you're ready to take on the world, and then come back knowing that I'll be right beside you when you actually do it…
My tears have blotted the corner of the letter and I put it back down on my lap because I can't finish it without breaking into sobs. I had never seen Jess express himself in such a way that makes me want to cry such tears. I neatly fold up the rest of the pages of the familiar slanted scrawl and I tuck it back into the envelope and I hold onto it. I'm holding onto the promise that he makes me. All doubts of his loyalty have flown out this window and it has tumbled behind the plane as I travel across the big pond bringing me to destinations unknown.
I close my eyes wishing for the comfort of slumber. I drift away while thinking about the last moments I spent with Jess when he held me and whispered the words that no one else has told me. He declared his guarantee for the future and most importantly—his dedication of love.
---------------------------------------------
The phone rings and I scramble to find it in the mess of the tiny loft. I spy it in the bottom of the couch and I duck to find it before the caller hangs up. I grab the handset and wish that it might be that one particular someone…"Hello?"
"Hey Baby." Jess's warm voice travels the thousands of miles that separate us and it immediately brings a smile to my face as I sink to the couch in order to get comfy.
"I was hoping that it'd be you."
"Well, good. It's nice to know that you remember me." He chuckles and I can envision the corners of his mouth tugging with a smirk. It makes it weak not being able to feel him besides me. It's the only downfall to our phone calls—it makes me yearn for his touch and it floods me with memories of us being together.
I ignore his teasing and I ask, "How are you?"
"Not bad, hectic day at work though. Jim assigned me to a cover story and I'm running all over the city doing interviews and research." His false grumbling about work doesn't fool me. Even though I can't see his face, I know that he's proud to be able to write the leading story for the magazine. He's one of the youngest writers and the newest on staff, and yet his talent has brought him up another step on the corporate ladder.
I murmur my sentiments to him. "I'm proud of you."
"Anyways, Lorelai called yesterday." He sidestepped my praise, bushing the comment aside, but he knows that I'm proud of him for being so successful. It's a typical Jess-response but I know that he understands.
"Yeah? What did she say?" I haven't talked to Mom for a couple of days. The last time we talked, she told me that she thought that Nick said 'coffee,' but Luke adamantly denies it. She misses me but she's also very happy raising her family. Ironically enough, I don't feel left out like I had predicted. I realize that Mom still loves me and that I hold an extremely special place in her heart that no one else can fill, but I also understand that she has aspects of her life now that can't always include me. I've also discovered that I no longer lean on Mom like I used to. She was my sole confident, friend, and guide post that I leaned on for so many years; but now I find that she isn't the only one. In fact, I would be inclined to say that Jess is slowly taking her place. My relationship with Mom is unsurpassed but the one I share with Jess is much more far-reaching now.
"She still says that Nick said coffee, but you know how she gets sometimes. Luke just called to see how I was doing and to say that they miss you. You know it's hard for them to call you a lot, with the time difference and all. I guess Nick is being real fussy these days; apparently he likes to only cry at night." His chuckle vibrates through the handset and I giggle with him at the thought of Luke going out of his mind trying to calm down Nick. The laughter subsides and I think about how I want to be able to do that one day—have a family of my own. I seem to be thinking about it more often these days. Maybe it's because I'm lonely or because I'm growing up and seeing my life differently.
I suddenly miss Jess more than was ever prepared for. I sigh as the tears gather and puddle on the corners of my eyes and I whisper so softly that I don't know whether or not Jess can hear me. "I miss you."
The line falls silent and I'm about to brush aside my moment of weakness as I graze my cheeks with my fingertips but instead Jess speaks up. "I miss you too." His voice is thick as if he just woke up from a deep slumber and it comforts me knowing that he feels the same way.
Again, I'm met with silence and I don't want to break it. I can almost see Jess sitting on his bed or the floor, looking out the window trying to break the boundary of space that divides us. I imagine his face—solemn, pensive, and deeply brooding with thought.
"I love you Rory."
"I know." I want to tell him that I love him back but I just can't. It would only serve to tear at another piece of my heart. None of our dozens of phone calls ever felt so hard. They usually consisted of small talk that discussed our day, but tonight I can identify that we're both feeling particularly lonely. It has been a little over four months now; I'm about half way through the program and my talks with Jess has always light. It was as if we were both afraid to verbally admit what we really felt because it hurt us both too much to think about it. But now that it's about the half-way marker, we can both confess that we're feeling the affects of our distance.
"Um, Ror…listen, it's getting kinda late here. I need to get some sleep before I head off to work. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"
"Talk to you then." The line clicks off but I know the real reason to why he left. He's afraid that I'll know that he's feeling empty without me. I know that Jess doesn't want me to realize that he's not always as strong as he leads on to be. He wants so much to be the strong one for the both of us, but he can't deceive me. Jess can't fool me for a second; I know exactly how he feels and whether he knows that or not, I'm glad that he can at least try to be the stronger one. I know that I'd be a mess if it wasn't for his many comforting and encouraging words.
I move the phone away from my ear and I stare at the face, not wanting to push the off button. I don't want to sever the connection with Jess. With a heavy and shaky breath, I close my eyes and push the knob, turning it off.
I stand up and stretch the muscles that have become cramped within the last hour. I pad over to the light switch and turn the lights off in the living room and I make my way to the bed room. The door creaks with invitation and I see my bed—it's unmade, just like Jess's bed, and it looks so cold. I slip on a pair of old boxers and Jess's old band shirt. I lift up the material to my nose, sniffing it to bring back memories of him. It's beginning to fade but unlike the shirt, Jess is still vividly living in my dreams. I sit on the bed and set the alarm early so that I may take a shower tomorrow morning. A breeze creates a swirl of air that comforts me in this silence. I turn off the light and lay down while pulling the comforter around me. I turn to glance out the window.
AN: That's it. An epilogue will be up as soon as possible as I mentioned earlier.
I'm so sorry for the last couple of paragraphs and their lack of 'tabs.' I tried to fix it for the last couple of days, and I've put off uploading this chapter, but in the end it doesn't look like I could fix it. I looked it over and it didn't seem all that confusing to read, and plus I wanted to get the ending out. Again, I'm sorry.