"Diary of a Crazy Person"

Authors Note: I have decided not to pair Oliver and Evan. Maybe I might change my mind in the near future, but it doesn't look likely. I just like Oliver's character being used in fairly humorous situations, that is it. Ah...it all depends on what you guys think...anyway, on with chapter two...aw, hang on...

Disclaimer: I forgot to write on of these before. I do not own Harry Potter, Oliver Wood, or the basic idea of this story. That belongs to Louise Rennison. Harry Potter and Oliver Wood belong to J.K. Rowling. I own Evan, Mum, Dad, Mrs. Next Door, and the retarded, perverted cat.

Chapter Two - My Best Friend, The Annoying Twit

August 4th

3:00 p.m.

Sitting here listening to Oliver drone on about Quidditch. Not that I have anything against Quidditch, it just doesn't interest me that me. It is quite amusing though, to insult it, and see Oliver's face. It goes beet red. Te he.

3:05 p.m.

Now Oliver's is trying to convince me to join the House Team.

"No," I say.

"Why?" he asks.

"Because I hate Quidditch," I tell him.

"You can't say you hate it if you haven't tried it," he says.

"Yes, I can," I say. "I hate Quidditch."

Oliver's face starts to go red. "Evan, you know I don't like it when you do that."

I decide to see how red his face can go. "I hate Quidditch! I hate Quidditch! Te he! Lucky me! For I have to pee! Oliver looks like he's about to kill me!" I sang, as I rushed off to the loo.

3:07 p.m.

He's standing outside the door. I'm trapped in my own lavatory. With Dad's porn magazines, and Mum's too. Lord, why did I get such wack jobs for parents? I always knew Dad was a bit of a perv, but Mum too? Oh dear God, she's drawn a large heart around the guy on the cover's face. She'll probably end up a porn queen, and she and Dad can get re-married at Hugh Hefner's place, and I'll move in as the porn princess, and I'll turn into one bloody, big pervert.

3:09 p.m.

I wonder if I should become a lesbian. They seem to have a lot less problems than I do.

3:11 p.m.

I've thought about it, and I definitely considering becoming a lesbian. But only by title, I won't grope any other females or anything like that. And I will continue to admire the gender opposite my own.

3:14 p.m.

Oh, fuck it. I can't become a lesbian. I'm not going to sleep with girls, or kiss them, so I've basically started a very nasty, and stupid rumor about myself, and that won't do.

3:18 p.m.

I've figured out a way to get rid of Oliver.

"Oliver, I'm becoming a lesbian!" I call out.

"Well, that's wonderful, honey." Mum's voice. Damn it! I've just told Mum I'm a lesbian. God, there's one living down the street; Mum will probably go tell her now.

3:28 p.m.

I'm going to kill Oliver Wood.

3:45 p.m.

He moved! The little bastard moved!

"Out of common courtesy," he said to me.

Out of common courtesy my ass! He knew I would say something embarrassing or strange to get him to move. I have hid in the bathroom seventeen times since he's known me, and on the eighteenth time, he had enough sense (on his part) to let someone else hear what I have to say.

6:56 p.m.

Oliver Wood is sleeping over. I'm going to kill him in his sleep. It wouldn't be too hard; I'm going to sit on him with my gigantic bottom.

7:08 p.m.

Actually, I'll be sitting on a pillow with my gigantic bottom in my gigantic knickers, and then on him.

7:10 p.m.

I will sit on his face.

Midnight

Damn. He's sleeping on his side. Ah, well, off to dream land.

12:03 a.m.

I will kill him.

August 8th

10:09 p.m.

I cannot breathe. No, I'm not dying, I'm laughing too much. Retarded, perverted cat has done something good for once.

He humped Oliver's legs. First the right, then the left. I don't think I have to kill him anyway, I think you can pretty much kill yourself after a spaz of a cat humps both of your legs.

10:11 p.m.

I have a name for the cat, Spaz. Wonderful, perfect, spiffing really.

11:09 p.m.

I wonder if Oliver will be homosexual since he's just had his first experience with a male.

11:12 p.m.

All right, so the male was a cat, but I've noticed our willow tree has been looking a little more feminine lately.

Midnight

Mum and Dad are porn king and queen. I'm a lesbian, and Oliver's gay. Oh, so is our willow tree.

12:05 a.m.

I've decided Mrs. Next Door has to be bi-sexual, she has a husband, but she an awful lot of tea parties, and she does choose windy days to have tea parties. Of course, the wind does not come until later, so all the ladies come in dresses, and then soon the wind blows them up, and Miss Bi-Sexual has a nice view of polka dot undies.

12:07 a.m.

Mum and Dad are porn king and queen. I am a lesbian, Oliver and the willow tree are gay, and Mrs. Next Door is bi-sexual.

12:09 a.m.

Oh, and her cat's a big perverted spaz.

Thanks for reading guys! Please review!