A/N: The penguins are still insane, but there's plot mixed in with the insanity this time. ^__^
Disclaimer: I DON'T KNOW!
Chapter 6: The Feast
"Before the Sorting Ceremony begins, I would like to introduce to everyone the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, Vicious Snape!" Dumbledore announced when all the students were in the Great Hall.
"MY WIFE! YOU GAVE THE POSITION I HAVE WANTED FOR YEARS TO MY WIFE?!?!?" Severus Snape bellowed as he jumped onto the Professors' table.
"Now, now Sevvie, dear, let's not throw a hissy fit," Vicious said in a sugary sweet tone, as she walked over to the table.
Severus just growled at her.
"Awww, look at my puppy! Now take that ridiculous glamour you're wearing off," Vicious said, as if she were talking to a three-year-old.
"I will do no such thing," he growled.
"Then I'll do it for you," she replied, and with a wave of her hand, her husband turned into a very handsome man with shoulder-length non-greasy black hair, and a cute little button nose.
"Why the hell are you wearing a Cabaret dress?" he asked.
"The better to piss you off with. You're so cute when you're angry," she replied.
"Okie dokie," Dumbledore said, amused. " We also have with us the Professors' two daughters, coming to us in their seventh year. They will now be sorted. Professor McGonagall?"
Professor McGonagall lifted the Sorting Hat off the stool, and yelled, "SNAPE, AURORA!"
Rory walked up to the stool, and sat down. As soon as the hat was on her head, it fell onto the floor in violent convulsions, yelling, "Eviiiil!!"
McGonagall picked the hat up and asked, "Which house?"
"S-s-slytherin…" it replied shakily.
"MUHAHA…" laughed Rory and walked off to the Slytherin table.
Professor Severus Snape was wearing a very large grin and looked to be suppressing tears, while saying, "That's my girl."
"SNAPE, LILITH!" Professor McGonagall shouted immediately after.
It seemed the hat wasn't having a good night, because this time it yelled, "PSYCHO BITCH!"
"What did you call me?" Lilith asked.
"A psycho bitch," the hat replied.
"Oh that's okay then," she said,
"Which house, please?" McGonagall asked exasperatedly.
"DUH!!! Gryffindor…" the hat replied as if it was absolutely obvious.
Lilith paled there on the stool. Smoke was coming out of Severus' ears and his hair began turning red. Rory rocked back in her chair, and yelled excitedly, "Yay!!! Daddy's pissed off!"
"Oh yeah!" Lilith yelled, and skipped off to the Gryffindor table.
Severus got up from the Professors' table and marched over to the Gryffindors, until he was standing by Lilith.
"LILITH AMAYA SNAPE!!!" he thundered. "I am very disappointed in you."
"But Daddy, it's not my fault the stupid hat put me in Gryffindor! Not everyone can be as evil as Rory is!" Lilith protested.
Rory smiled and waved, then went back to talking to Malfoy, reminiscing over days of old, and plotting the demise of Harry Potter.
"Yes, I suppose you're right," Snape said, realizing his mistake. "I'm still very proud of you, Lilith."
"Oh Daddy, I love you!" Lilith cried, jumping on to her father.
"I am not an amusement ride, goddamnit!" he screamed.
Lilith giggled, kissed his cheek, and sat back down, as Dumbledore whispered to McGonagall, "So Minerva, how do you like my new form of entertainment?"
When dinner was over and everyone was in their respective common rooms, Fred waited until Angelina, his girlfriend, had gone to bed. He then turned to Lilith and asked, "Can I walk you to your room?"
"You can," Lilith said. "But may you?"
"Okay, may I walk you to your room? Since it's separate from the other rooms, I wouldn't want you to get lost," he said, working the old fake chivalry angle.
"I guess so," she replied. "Goodnight George, goodnight Lee."
As she started to walk up the stairs, Fred looked back at his best friend and his twin and pretended to grab her booty.
He led her down the corridors until they got to her room, at which time he invited himself in.
"Um Fred, I'm really tired. I'd like to go to bed now," Lilith said.
"With me?" Fred asked, as if it were an everyday occurrence.
"Ummm… not quite. By myself is what I meant," Lilith replied.
"Oooh… kinky…" Fred said.
"Not that way! I meant sleep, you baka yero! Now please leave my room!" Lilith yelled.
"I don't want to," Fred replied, as he pulled her to himself in a violent kiss, letting his hands roam wherever they wanted to.
"What are you doing?" Lilith screamed, pushing him away.
"Exactly what you wanted me to do," Fred said grabbing her again.
"You arrogant bastard! I don't care if your parents were happily married at the time of your conception! You son of a bitch! No offense to Molly…" she yelled, and let her hand go hard against his cheek, where a bruise in the shape of a hand would soon be.
A/N: *gasp* I didn't mean to turn poor Fred into an asshole! Those damn penguins again… Ah well… it was necessary. Oh and "baka yero" is "stupid fool" in Japanese. And sorry this chapter was so short. The next will be longer, I promise!