Part 2 'Who's Fooling Whom?'
*
"So. What have we got then?" CJ watched Toby from her vantage point at the kitchen table. She was intrigued.
"Mussels." Toby rummaged in his bag.
"Mussels?"
"'Moules Mariniere' to be precise. And a rather nice bottle of Sancerre which made quite a big dent in my wallet, so I hope you appreciate it."
"I have to say I'm impressed. I didn't think Miss Julia Child stretched to French Cuisine." CJ placed the bowl of olives on the table and reached for two of her best wine glasses.
"CJ, most of her cooking is French Cuisine!" Toby scowled at her as she popped an olive in her mouth.
Swallowing, she smiled and said, "Hey, it's not like I ever 'actually' watched her show."
"Well, in five minutes you are going to be impressed by the magic of microwave cooking. They come in these vacuum pack things. Five minutes and hey presto! I thought I told you I performed magic in the kitchen . . ."
CJ laughed. "I take it you didn't make the bread either?"
Toby just looked at her. "Would that have been before my meeting with Russell, or between Staff and the meeting with the Teachers' Union?"
He could hardly contain his relief and pleasure at their banter – it had been such a long time. Two weeks was a long time to miss CJ, and he had missed her. He smiled broadly and the words were out of his mouth before he had time to stop them. "I missed you."
CJ looked hard at him. "This is all very nice, Toby, and I'm not unappreciative but . . hey – why mussels? I don't believe I've ever expressed a passion for them before?"
"I spoke to your Dad."
She almost choked on the second olive she'd filched from the bowl. "You spoke to my Dad? What the hell were you doing speaking to my father? Did he know who you were?"
Toby tried not to look smug, but failed miserably. "I rang the house and asked him what your favorite meal was, what I should make you if I really wanted to surprise you. And I'll have you know, he knew exactly who I was – I've known you a long time, CJ and your father and I have had many civilized conversations."
CJ looked down at the steaming dish in front of her and attempted to keep her voice from breaking. "He may have known who you were, Toby, but he didn't get it completely right. Mussels were my Mom's favorite meal, not mine. She's been dead a long time."
Toby blinked hard and cleared his throat. He could think of nothing to say. The trace of tears on CJ's face were evidence enough of her unhappiness, and he didn't know how to make it better. He stretched out his hand and ran his fingers gently over the knuckles of her clenched fist.
"I'm sorry."
"Yeah, well . . let's eat while it's hot. It smells fantastic." CJ pulled her hand away quickly and set about eating the food in front of her.
They ate in companionable silence. The meal was simple and good and the wine classy enough for them both to enjoy it.
As Toby cleared the table, CJ took a long sip of her wine and considered him.
"You know, nice as this is, I can't help but be a little suspicious of the way you have been behaving today."
"What way would that be then?" Toby looked over his shoulder at her as he finished drying his hands.
"Oh . . . the lift home, the meal, the call to my Dad, the compliments. Actually, the compliments are the most unnerving thing. I think you need to tell me what is going on. This isn't normal behavior for you, Toby."
He sat down opposite her. "You're right. I hate to admit it, as you know, but you're right – this isn't normal behavior for me. But, I've been thinking . . . maybe I haven't been quite as good a friend to you as I could have been. You've been unhappy recently, CJ and I've only just noticed. I'm not sure if any of the others have – but I've noticed that you don't talk to us any more, you don't even talk to Carol. And you don't want to spend time with us. I think I know the reason, but I'm not going to push you. I just wanted to show you that I care, and if there is anyway that I can make you feel better, I will do my utmost to help." Toby looked down at his feet and tried to control the blush that he could feel spreading up through his beard.
One minute. Two minutes and counting. Silence.
CJ took a deep breath. "You think you know the reason? Well, I think I would like to know what you think. Go ahead."
Toby brought his eyes back up to her face and flinched at her pallor. He tapped his fingers on the table top, buying himself time while he worked out how to say what he wanted to say.
"I think it's Simon. I think it's the anniversary of Simon Donovan's murder, and you don't know how to deal with that. I think that Zoey being kidnapped and her agent being shot, on top of all the other stress, has wounded you in some way." He glanced at her and saw the same set expression on her face, then a flicker of anger. Anger? He plunged on to the crux of his argument. " You were in love with Simon Donovan and you haven't recovered from that. I want you to be happy, CJ. I can be sad enough for both of us."
A fist slammed on the table and she was up. "You just don't get it do you?" CJ's eyes shone with tears of rage. "I am unhappy – but it's not Simon Donovan!" She strode towards the window and then wheeled back to face him.
"I was interested in Simon – he was different. He was gorgeous. But I didn't love him. I cried because it was a horrible way to die, and it was a body blow after the relief of being free from my stalker. I liked the way he treated me – like a woman, an attractive woman at that. I don't get that anywhere else in my life and . . .and . . I had been willing to take a risk on a relationship with him. But I didn't love him, Toby." She covered her face with her hands and scraped at her tears. "Love is needing the other person, feeling incomplete without them; love is caring how they feel and being there for them; love is fighting with them but retaining respect for them, laughing with them, supporting them. I didn't know Simon Donovan well enough to love him, I was attracted to him. Not the same, Toby, not the same."
She sank back down into her chair, but didn't dare let herself look at him. "For the last four years, and however many years before that, we have been dancing around each other. If you don't know how I feel now, then I can't wait any longer. That's why I have been unhappy. You're a fool to yourself, Toby. You could have had a woman who loved you completely years ago, but you never took the risk, never wanted to find out if she loved you, or you her. Who's fooling whom here?" CJ unclenched her fists and stretched her hands out on the table. "And then you had the nerve to ask me if I knew how to love!"
At last her eyes locked on his and he was unable to look away.
" I have loved you for fifteen years – no-one else has had a chance, try as they might. I have followed you whenever you called me, let you build me up and then knock me down. My chance for children has been and gone, whether I wanted them or not – and you dared to ask me if I knew how to love – believed that my love could not be deep enough if I hadn't become a parent. Well Toby, I've seen your children, held your children, and I love them more than you deserve. And God knows I love you more than you deserve."
Toby still couldn't look away from the azure beam she held him in.
CJ paused to draw breath. "But I don't know if you love me. I don't know if you love me enough to risk the teasing, the mockery, the snide remarks, the gutter journalism, the chance you might lose your job. And that's okay – you are a fine man and a good man. You do huge amounts to make this world a better place and I would never ask you to give that up. But don't you dare say that I don't know how to love as much as you. Because I would risk it all and give up everything for love of you. I just have."
Now she tore her gaze away. " And there has been no other man in my life that has ever made me feel that like that. Simon? No. Unhappy? The events of two weeks ago with Zoey? No. The President standing down? No. That's not what's got me crying. You doubting me has made me cry."
A shocked silence. Toby forgot how to breathe.
"And I'd like you to go now. Please."
CJ walked over to the window and stared down onto the quiet street below.
"I'll pick you up in the morning." His quiet voice.
And she heard the door click shut.
Tbc