There was once a magical tiger named Lasaro. Lasaro the magical tiger roamed about the Candpinutt forest with pride. One day, Lasaro the magical tiger came upon the mystical flower, Yumagaya. The mystical flower, Yumagaya, sent her on a quest.
"Magical tiger!" the flower called. "Go forth into the wild and bring to me a human sacrifice!"
"But I'll miss the Cosby Show!" Lasaro the magical tiger protested.
So, the mystical flower, Yumagaya, shot her in the face. Lasaro the magical tiger sighed and obeyed, heading off into the wild to find a human sacrifice.
Before long, Lasaro the magical tiger came upon Sabre the sleepy sloth.
"Ho there, sleepy sloth! Can ye tell me where to find a human sacrifice?" called Lasaro the magical tiger to Sabre the sleepy sloth.
Twenty minutes passed.
"Repeat....that?" asked Sabre the sleepy sloth.
So, Lasaro the magical tiger killed Sabre the sleepy sloth and sold him on the black market to buy cocain.
After having her cocain and a random adventure in Las Vegas where she got married to Johnny Cochran, Lasaro the magical tiger headed back to the wild (with a hangover).
Three years passed and Lasaro the magical tiger was divorced from Johnny Cochran five times and eventually lost the farm, but that's another story.
Three years before Lasaro the magical tiger lost the farm, she wandered through the wild and came upon Siren the insane lizard.
Siren the insane lizard was dancing like a mutha when Lasaro the magical tiger came along.
"VA VA VOOM!" cried Siren the insane lizard as Lasaro the magical tiger came to a stop beneath her double wide trailer.
"Son!" called Lasaro the magical tiger. "Can we tell us where to find a human sacrifice?"
"Harder! Better! Faster! Stronger!" sang out Siren the insane lizard.
"I'm going to plant explosives in your reproductive organs if you don't stop that!" yelled Lasaro the magical tiger.
"You wish to have the curse reversed?" asked Siren the insane lizard, using her Spidey powers to web down beside Lasaro the magical tiger. "I'll need a certain potion first."
"What?" Lasaro the magical tiger cocked her head to the side in confusion, hitting it on a dancing Japanese puppet which screeched and ran away.
"Go to the wood and bring mee back the cow as white as milk! The cape as red as blood! The hair as yellow as corn! And the hair as pure as gold!" preached Siren the insane lizard.
Lasaro the magical tiger then ate Siren the insane lizard.
Oh, by the way, Lasaro the magical tiger *did* miss the Cosby show.
While doing a jig in the middle of the highway, Lasaro the magical tiger was hit by Aeric the uncoordinated platypus in his Mystery Machine.
"MUTHA!" screamed Lasaro the magical tiger as she reinflated herself with an empty ketchup bottle. "Now I'm gonna pop a cap in yo' ass!"
"M'lady, I am eva' so sorry..." burbled Aeric the uncoordinated platypus. He then tunneled under her because he was a diggin' platypus and returned with a tube of Blistex. "May you take this fava' in my pardon?"
"Fuck naw, son! It's ON now!" Lasaro the magical tiger said, raising her staff.
Just then, Sinne the wild squid went flying through the air and stole the staff.
"GO, SPEED RACER, GO!" squealed Sinne the wild squid as she rode her motorbike over the horizon.
Saroya the talking snake then slinked by with her cellphone to her non-existent ear.
"Can you hear me now?" asked Saroya the talking snake to no one. "Good!" She then disappeared over the horizon as well.
"It's gettin' all shizzle in tha' fo-sheezy," said Lasaro the magical tiger. With those memorable words, Lasaro the magical tiger stole Aeric the uncoordinated platypus' Mystery Machine and rode off over the other horizon.
The Mystery Machine ran out of fuel in the middle of the wild and once again Lasaro the magical tiger set off, on foot, in search of the human sacrifice for Yumagaya the mystical flower.
"Stupid flower," whined Lasaro the magical tiger as she wandered about.
Just then there came a voice from above her and she looked up to see Dib the feeble human, caught in the net that Lasaro the magical tiger had set before her adventure in Las Vegas.
"I'm stuck!" called Dib the feeble human, putting his knitting into his coat pocket. "Can you help me get down?"
Lasaro the magical tiger grinned and nodded. "Of course I can, feeble human!" she said. Then, she pressed the button on the tree and the net dropped down beside her.
"Thank you, you beautiful saint!" said Dib the feeble human. "Now, can you help me get out of this net?"
"No, feeble human, I cannot, for you have been chosen as a sacrifice for Yumagaya the mystical flower." Lasaro the magical tiger said as she took the net in her mouth and began to carry Dib the feeble human through the wild.
"Oh, but magical tiger!" pleaded Dib the feeble human. "I am so young!"
"I know!" said Lasaro the magical tiger. "All the better to bathe you with, my dear!"
So, Lasaro the magical tiger carried Dib the feeble human through the wild in a net. All the while, Dib the feeble human kicked and screamed and cried and knitted. Finally, Dib the feeble human fell asleep.
"Oh, mystical flower!" called Lasaro the magical tiger as she came upon the clearing where the mystical flower made his home.
"Wha-a-at?" replied Yumagaya the mystical flower while trying to solve a rubiks cube.
"I have brought you a human sacrifice!" returned Lasaro the magical tiger. She set the net containing Dib the feeble human down in front of Yumagaya the mystical flower.
"Seventy percent alcohol!" cried Yumagaya the mystical flower angrily, picking up the net and jiggling it.
Upon being jiggled like a mofo, Dib the feeble human awoke with a cry.
"This is a boy human!" yelled Yumagaya the mystical flower.
"So?" replied Lasaro the magical tiger.
"I needed a girl human!"
"But why?"
"Because!" said Yumagaya the mystical flower. "Girl humans can knit."
"But I--!" began Dib the feeble human, but was interrupted by Lasaro the magical tiger.
"Can I eat this one, then?" she asked.
"Yeah, go on," replied Yumagaya the mystical flower, "but I want a GIRL human next time."
"What do you need a knitting human for, anyway?" asked Lasaro the magical tiger as she pinned down Dib the feeble human and opened her mouth.
"I wanted a new set of petal warmers."
"Oh."
"WAIT!" cried Dib the feeble human, just as Lasaro the magical tiger touched her teeth to his neck.
"Wha'h ith eh?!"
"I CAN KNIT!"
"He can knit?!" gasped Yumagaya the mystical flower.
"Yes! Yes, I can!"
"Release the feeble human, magical tiger!" said Yumagaya the mystical flower.
Lasaro the magical tiger grumbled and let Dib the feeble human go.
"Knit for me, feeble human," said Yumagaya the mystical flower. "Make me a petal warmer."
Dib the feeble human nodded and took measurements, then quickly set to making a set of petal warmers. When he was done, he put them on the mystical flower.
"Hmm...I don't like them," the mystical flower said.
"You...what?" asked Dib the feeble human.
"I don't like them. Magical tiger, dispose of him."
"With pleasure!" chirped Lasaro the magical tiger.
Dib the feeble human was then eaten alive.
"Well, I'll be on my way then," said Lasaro the magical tiger.
"See ya," replied Yumagaya the mystical flower, pulling on the set of petal warmers, which he'd lied about. He actually did like them. He was just mean.
"I'm goin' to Las Vegas!" cried Lasaro the magical tiger.
She then fell into a black hole, but that's another story...
"Magical tiger!" the flower called. "Go forth into the wild and bring to me a human sacrifice!"
"But I'll miss the Cosby Show!" Lasaro the magical tiger protested.
So, the mystical flower, Yumagaya, shot her in the face. Lasaro the magical tiger sighed and obeyed, heading off into the wild to find a human sacrifice.
Before long, Lasaro the magical tiger came upon Sabre the sleepy sloth.
"Ho there, sleepy sloth! Can ye tell me where to find a human sacrifice?" called Lasaro the magical tiger to Sabre the sleepy sloth.
Twenty minutes passed.
"Repeat....that?" asked Sabre the sleepy sloth.
So, Lasaro the magical tiger killed Sabre the sleepy sloth and sold him on the black market to buy cocain.
After having her cocain and a random adventure in Las Vegas where she got married to Johnny Cochran, Lasaro the magical tiger headed back to the wild (with a hangover).
Three years passed and Lasaro the magical tiger was divorced from Johnny Cochran five times and eventually lost the farm, but that's another story.
Three years before Lasaro the magical tiger lost the farm, she wandered through the wild and came upon Siren the insane lizard.
Siren the insane lizard was dancing like a mutha when Lasaro the magical tiger came along.
"VA VA VOOM!" cried Siren the insane lizard as Lasaro the magical tiger came to a stop beneath her double wide trailer.
"Son!" called Lasaro the magical tiger. "Can we tell us where to find a human sacrifice?"
"Harder! Better! Faster! Stronger!" sang out Siren the insane lizard.
"I'm going to plant explosives in your reproductive organs if you don't stop that!" yelled Lasaro the magical tiger.
"You wish to have the curse reversed?" asked Siren the insane lizard, using her Spidey powers to web down beside Lasaro the magical tiger. "I'll need a certain potion first."
"What?" Lasaro the magical tiger cocked her head to the side in confusion, hitting it on a dancing Japanese puppet which screeched and ran away.
"Go to the wood and bring mee back the cow as white as milk! The cape as red as blood! The hair as yellow as corn! And the hair as pure as gold!" preached Siren the insane lizard.
Lasaro the magical tiger then ate Siren the insane lizard.
Oh, by the way, Lasaro the magical tiger *did* miss the Cosby show.
While doing a jig in the middle of the highway, Lasaro the magical tiger was hit by Aeric the uncoordinated platypus in his Mystery Machine.
"MUTHA!" screamed Lasaro the magical tiger as she reinflated herself with an empty ketchup bottle. "Now I'm gonna pop a cap in yo' ass!"
"M'lady, I am eva' so sorry..." burbled Aeric the uncoordinated platypus. He then tunneled under her because he was a diggin' platypus and returned with a tube of Blistex. "May you take this fava' in my pardon?"
"Fuck naw, son! It's ON now!" Lasaro the magical tiger said, raising her staff.
Just then, Sinne the wild squid went flying through the air and stole the staff.
"GO, SPEED RACER, GO!" squealed Sinne the wild squid as she rode her motorbike over the horizon.
Saroya the talking snake then slinked by with her cellphone to her non-existent ear.
"Can you hear me now?" asked Saroya the talking snake to no one. "Good!" She then disappeared over the horizon as well.
"It's gettin' all shizzle in tha' fo-sheezy," said Lasaro the magical tiger. With those memorable words, Lasaro the magical tiger stole Aeric the uncoordinated platypus' Mystery Machine and rode off over the other horizon.
The Mystery Machine ran out of fuel in the middle of the wild and once again Lasaro the magical tiger set off, on foot, in search of the human sacrifice for Yumagaya the mystical flower.
"Stupid flower," whined Lasaro the magical tiger as she wandered about.
Just then there came a voice from above her and she looked up to see Dib the feeble human, caught in the net that Lasaro the magical tiger had set before her adventure in Las Vegas.
"I'm stuck!" called Dib the feeble human, putting his knitting into his coat pocket. "Can you help me get down?"
Lasaro the magical tiger grinned and nodded. "Of course I can, feeble human!" she said. Then, she pressed the button on the tree and the net dropped down beside her.
"Thank you, you beautiful saint!" said Dib the feeble human. "Now, can you help me get out of this net?"
"No, feeble human, I cannot, for you have been chosen as a sacrifice for Yumagaya the mystical flower." Lasaro the magical tiger said as she took the net in her mouth and began to carry Dib the feeble human through the wild.
"Oh, but magical tiger!" pleaded Dib the feeble human. "I am so young!"
"I know!" said Lasaro the magical tiger. "All the better to bathe you with, my dear!"
So, Lasaro the magical tiger carried Dib the feeble human through the wild in a net. All the while, Dib the feeble human kicked and screamed and cried and knitted. Finally, Dib the feeble human fell asleep.
"Oh, mystical flower!" called Lasaro the magical tiger as she came upon the clearing where the mystical flower made his home.
"Wha-a-at?" replied Yumagaya the mystical flower while trying to solve a rubiks cube.
"I have brought you a human sacrifice!" returned Lasaro the magical tiger. She set the net containing Dib the feeble human down in front of Yumagaya the mystical flower.
"Seventy percent alcohol!" cried Yumagaya the mystical flower angrily, picking up the net and jiggling it.
Upon being jiggled like a mofo, Dib the feeble human awoke with a cry.
"This is a boy human!" yelled Yumagaya the mystical flower.
"So?" replied Lasaro the magical tiger.
"I needed a girl human!"
"But why?"
"Because!" said Yumagaya the mystical flower. "Girl humans can knit."
"But I--!" began Dib the feeble human, but was interrupted by Lasaro the magical tiger.
"Can I eat this one, then?" she asked.
"Yeah, go on," replied Yumagaya the mystical flower, "but I want a GIRL human next time."
"What do you need a knitting human for, anyway?" asked Lasaro the magical tiger as she pinned down Dib the feeble human and opened her mouth.
"I wanted a new set of petal warmers."
"Oh."
"WAIT!" cried Dib the feeble human, just as Lasaro the magical tiger touched her teeth to his neck.
"Wha'h ith eh?!"
"I CAN KNIT!"
"He can knit?!" gasped Yumagaya the mystical flower.
"Yes! Yes, I can!"
"Release the feeble human, magical tiger!" said Yumagaya the mystical flower.
Lasaro the magical tiger grumbled and let Dib the feeble human go.
"Knit for me, feeble human," said Yumagaya the mystical flower. "Make me a petal warmer."
Dib the feeble human nodded and took measurements, then quickly set to making a set of petal warmers. When he was done, he put them on the mystical flower.
"Hmm...I don't like them," the mystical flower said.
"You...what?" asked Dib the feeble human.
"I don't like them. Magical tiger, dispose of him."
"With pleasure!" chirped Lasaro the magical tiger.
Dib the feeble human was then eaten alive.
"Well, I'll be on my way then," said Lasaro the magical tiger.
"See ya," replied Yumagaya the mystical flower, pulling on the set of petal warmers, which he'd lied about. He actually did like them. He was just mean.
"I'm goin' to Las Vegas!" cried Lasaro the magical tiger.
She then fell into a black hole, but that's another story...