Sneezes and Swordfights
by Joanna

*Most of this was written at about 4 in the morning, after a serious fight between about four drunk college kids broke out right below my balcony and I went and screamed at them to try to break it up, and ended up having to call the police before they all killed each other (or messed up my car, which was parked nearby…yeah, I'm a great citizen). Needless to say, it was a little bit of an exciting night, and adrenaline flooded my veins and going back to sleep any time soon was really not an option. If the chapter has an edgy feel, that's why! I wasn't planning on having a new chapter until Monday, and this one wasn't exactly what I had planned, but oh well. Here you go.

Thanks again for reviewing. Notes to everyone again at the bottom!

Chapter Three: Visiting Hour

He was hot.

He was cold.

The blankets were too heavy. He couldn't even tell he had any covers at all.

He was wasting away from hunger. He hated the sight of all the food.

He wanted to look out the window. There was a draft when the draperies were open.

He didn't want to sleep. He was tired.

There was so much he needed to do. No, he didn't want to work on his correspondence.

And so went the very first afternoon of Legolas' watch, and most of the second day.

Toward nightfall, Aragorn sat up and proclaimed that he was going to have a bit of a walk about the palace.

"No," Legolas said simply.

"No?" Aragorn asked incredulously; clearly it was something he was unused to hearing.

"You are not to leave this room."

"This id my cidy! The crown cidy of the realmb of free med! You are tellig me thad I, de Kig," he glared when Legolas snickered at this, and repeated with great dignity, "Kig of God--" he sneezed, "Gondord, can nod walk aroud my own homb? Is thad whad you are tellig me?"

"Well, I did not understand very much of what you just said, but no. You are not going anywhere."

"You thig you cad stob me?"

"I am quite certain of it."

"I will cald de guards. They will log you in the dugeod."

"They have been instructed that no one is to come into, or leave, these chambers, except Lady Arwen or I. They would stop you."

"I ab de Kig! They are my guards! They answer to me aload."

"Unless your very charming, and very beautiful wife speaks to them with different orders than you give. Now they are hers, bought and paid for with a smile."

"And somb said her grandmother wad an elf-witch," Aragorn muttered at the very moment the door opened.

Legolas took great joy in watching how quickly Aragorn closed his mouth and at seeing the nervous sort of look in his eye as the elf-witch in question entered.

"Arwen, we were just talking about you," Legolas said warmly and purposefully ignored the quick look Aragorn gave him to demand his allegiance and silence.

"And what were you saying?" Arwen asked with a knowing smile as she shut the door firmly behind her.

"Aragorn was just saying how much you reminded him of Lady Galadriel at times," Legolas smiled widely as Aragorn erupted into a fit of what Legolas suspected was convenient coughing.

Arwen came forward to sit beside her husband, placing a hand on his brow, still finding it hot to the touch, but not so hot as it had been the day before. His eyes looked a little clearer today too, now glittering as they watched Legolas with a poorly veiled threat in them.

"How is he behaving?" Arwen asked, keeping her hand on Aragorn's head but turning to Legolas.

"Unbearably. But I would have expected no less."

"He is being difficult then?" Arwen made a disapproving noise and Aragorn straightened defiantly.

"Well, yes he is. But it is nothing I cannot handle, Lady. Do not fret for him or for me."

"He id siddig righd here!" Aragorn growled, waving his arms a little bit in case he'd disappeared entirely, as he once assured Frodo he could not.

Arwen turned her attention back to her husband. "How do you feel?"

"Much bedder. I ab ready to be sed free."

"No, you are not," Arwen disagreed. "But I am glad you are feeling better. So you think perhaps you will live now?"

"Nod if you leave me wid himb," Aragorn muttered and jerked his chin in Legolas' direction, an act which left him dizzy. "Sed himb to watch de childred. You cad stay wid me."

"Estel, surely you are not suggesting that I leave the children without either of us for the rest of the week! The staff cannot watch them, they may carry your illness. And poor Legolas cannot do that alone. He is unaccustomed to being around the young. You would leave him to look after three mischievous children instead of his very dear friend?"

"Yed!" Aragorn exclaimed. "He id goig to kill me!"

"He is not going to kill you," Arwen reasoned.

"He can nod do anythig righd," Aragorn protested, glaring at Legolas who looked unaffected.

"And you said the same thing about my care for you yesterday."

"I did nod mead it. I ab sorry, Arwed. Stay wid me," Aragorn begged, reaching for her hand and holding to it tightly. "Do nod leave me here wid himb! He id a fool."

"I can still hear you," Legolas pointed out from behind Arwen, and Arwen turned to see that Legolas was looking as aggravated with the situation as the King.

"I do nod care!" Aragorn snapped back. "You should know whad a fool you are! You have had four thousad yeard to figure id oud!"

"I am the fool? I am not the one who cannot speak without spittle flying from my lips, I am not breathing like a wild boar so that everyone else in the palace cannot find a moment's rest, and my nose is not pouring yellow water like a poisoned fountain! You weak, ailing man!" He said the last with contempt edged raw in his voice.

"Stop it, both of you. It is only for a few days, and you are being unreasonable. You and Legolas surely have a lot of catching up to do still. You can plan your hunting trip," Arwen offered brightly, with just an edge of worry. She did not want Legolas to go back on his promise. Not because she thought Legolas incapable of caring for her children, but because she was quite certain she'd do harm to Aragorn if she had to spend another day as his nurse. The prospect of having time with her lovely children was so much more appealing. "What is a little illness between two friends who have been through the battles you have seen? You have stood at each others' side through worse than this!"

Aragorn and Legolas both glared at each other around her, but began looking increasingly abashed.

"I think apologies are in order," Arwen said, looking from one to the other expectantly, as she did when Eldarion pulled Imeren's braid, or when Gliriel dirtied Imeren's favorite doll.

And she got a similar reaction as she would have from her children. Both man and elf reddened slightly in the cheeks and cast down their eyes.

"I apologize," Legolas said, looking at his boots.

"Sorryd," Aragorn mumbled, and looked over at the wall.

"Well, now, that is better, is it not? I must be getting back before the children set themselves loose upon Gondor. I'll come back tomorrow. Someone will be bringing your dinners very soon. They'll leave it outside the door." She had to pry Aragorn's fingers from about her own as she stood up.

She kissed Aragorn's forehead, then Legolas' and floated from the room as silently as she'd entered it.

"I shoud pud a bell on thad womad." Aragorn observed when she was gone.

"Elf-witch, indeed," Legolas murmured in agreement.

And with what would turn out to be a very temporary truce thus called, each fell to silence.

******

Thanks again reviewers! Looks like cold speech is here to stay…where's a good cold when you need one for research? Watch me develop one as some sort of Karma here…if the cold speech gets really good, you'll know it's happened. Of course, the pollen is so bad where I am right now I probably won't have to pretend to have a stuffy nose and watery eyes in a day or two.

I don't think the "bell" comment is mine. I think I heard it somewhere, on some movie or something, but I'm not sure, so I may have borrowed that bit. Hey, it's very, very late.

Dragon-of-the-North: Hee. Thanks for coming back! I adore long reviews. And yeah, the part with Aragorn kissing Legolas' hand was decidedly non-slash, huh? Wonder if I scared anybody for a minute? And I'm having a real hard time keeping Legolas healthy…I keep thinking of how great it would be for him to be sick. But then again, this is his revenge for the torment he faced in Dragons or Ribbons, so there you go. I've had a hectic couple of days, but I'm definitely checking out your "Of Orcs and Elves" soon…it sounds so awesome and it's on all kinds of favorites lists!

Kaz: Hey! Thanks for the vote of confidence on the cold speech. It seems people like it so far, so I'll try to keep it about like it was for chapter two!

LegyLuva: Your name made me giggle while I was typing it. Cute! The cold speech is "hered" to stay, I think.

Lyria: You hit it on the nose. A few weeks ago it seemed several of my guy friends in my phd program had contracted a cold…but to hear them go on about it, you'd think it was the plague. Men. Unfortunately, none of them look a thing like Aragorn, so I was not very sympathetic.

Dot: Read your aftermath of Helms Deep story, Weary, and thought it was so good (as the review said)! And if your life is sad for reading about coughing Kings…just imagine this…conceiving of and writing about sneezing kings and disgusted elves. Sigh. Procrastination is my life.

Snowball: Awesome suggestion about blowing his nose. When I get extremely tired of talking to myself in the cold accent, I can bring out the tissues…which I'm sure could seriously disgust Legolas. Watch for this, it will appear sooner or later, and I'll thank you in advance!

Trinity C: Yo! (I got tired of saying Hi, Hey, and Hello, so suddenly I think I'm a gansta…yet I'm so not). Yeah, you've got to wonder why we get such sadistic pleasure from inflicting such humiliation on these noble characters. Let Aragorn scream like a little girl, I say. And it is TOTALLY my goal to make him the worst patient in Middle Earth. And maybe to make Legolas a little like Kathy Bates in Misery…what was her name? Nurse Ratchet?

Starfolk: Hey there! (I'm over the gansta thing). You totally didn't open a can of worms! At least not one that didn't need to be open! Look, everyone agreed with you. You made my story better. That's what this is all about, my friend, so I owe you thanks!

Hel: Yes, I can totally agree with Arwen's decision (obviously)…if I were a Queen, I might just have him banished from Gondor until he was feeling nicer though.

Lily-of-the-Shadow: yep, those colds can come in handy. They do get you out of school…and out of governing, it seems!

Nilmandra: Well, I just thought the whole "man becomes spoiled, angry child when sick" thing had to come from somewhere. Must have been an entirely different kind of Isildur's bane. As for Legolas healing with grace and tormenting, I like it. Kathy Bates' Nurse whatever her name is meets Florence Nightingale.

Ola: Only send wargs if you also send Aragorn (or Legolas, I'm not picky) to save me from them. If you do send Aragorn, make sure he's healthy. I've heard he's a jerk when he's got a cold. Thanks for reviewing!

Estelcontar: (yep, still love the name!). What's scary is I'm starting to like bratty Aragorn too. Can you see this whiny version in any story I write after this? Maybe a dangerous thing!

Mouse: thank you so very much! I'm so glad you like it so far, and hope you'll continue to enjoy it!

Hyper-shark: Yes, poor Aragorn. He's so much fun to torture.

Semmerie: Hey, thanks! Yes, Lord knows why this idea came to me as it did. A perverse desire to abuse both of them, I suspect. And I hadn't thought of how he would say his name, but I think you've got it! Aragorb! That made me laugh…and I didn't read the review until this morning, so it's not just punchy exhaustion!