Sneezes and Sword Fights
By Joanna
Chapter Four: Chicken Soup and Bedtime Stories
"Why do you ged steag and podadoes and I only ged wadery soub?" Aragorn asked when Legolas brought their dinners in on a large tray later that evening.
"Because you are far too delicate of health to eat such hardy food," Legolas offered as Aragorn screwed his face up in disgust as he peered down into the bowl of broth Legolas extended toward him.
He tried to push it away. "I do nod wad id. Share your food wid me."
Legolas pushed Aragorn's restraining hand away and set the soup on the bedside table. "It will make you sick, and I do not believe you are so short of memory to have forgotten that. Arwen told me that when you demanded a full meal the night before last, your chambermaids spent time mopping it off the floor. And if you think I am going to do such a thing, you have come apart from your senses. Eat your soup."
He retreated, under the hot glare of his charge, to the table by the window, and trying not to look too smug about it, picked up his own fork.
"I ab nod goig to ead this. You cad tell Arwed why I died of hudgerd." Aragorn said, and crossing his arms across his chest and lifting his chin in defiance, stared at Legolas.
"Aye. Starve then. I'll tell her. Any other message you would like to leave her?" Legolas asked and shoved a particularly large, and unelfly, bite into his mouth.
Aragorn growled something unintelligible and Legolas went on eating.
"Your soup will get cold. You must be hungry," Legolas tried after a while, when his plate was almost half-empty. Aragorn's eyes had watched each forkful rise from plate to his mouth. His look had grown increasingly dark.
"No I'b nod," Aragorn snapped.
At that moment, his stomach elected to betray him and rumbled loudly enough that Legolas wondered why the guards didn't come running from the end of the hallway.
"Nod a word!" Aragorn hissed and snatched the bowl from the table so quickly that a good bit of it sloshed over the rim and onto his hand. Despite Legolas' warning, the soup was still quite hot and with an elvish curse, Aragorn released the bowl and it shattered upon the stone floor.
Both of them were surprised into silence for a moment, staring as the broth ran away in rivers from the shards of heavy glass.
Aragorn recovered first, slowly bringing his wrist to his mouth and licking what soup there was still there.
"I subbose you will have to ged me more soub," he shrugged.
Clearly Aragorn was right, and setting his teeth against the words that came to mind, Legolas turned and left the King sitting up in bed and looking more cheerful than he had in some time.
And when Legolas returned after having received a royal scolding from the royal cook for being so careless with the dear king's meal (after all how was the poor king to recover if he wasn't fed properly and at timely intervals?), and pushed open the heavy door, Aragorn was sitting at the table. His bare legs and feet stuck out from his nightdress, and Legolas' now empty plate obscured his face as he licked it clean.
Aragorn had not even the grace to look abashed at having been thus caught, and lowered the gleaming plate back to the table, a smile of satisfaction blatantly beaming across his face.
"I was not finished with my dinner," Legolas snarled, annoyed enough to wish his bow was within his grasp.
"Id wad very good," Aragorn assured him and sat back in the chair, placing his hands over his now full stomach. "You cad haf the soub if you wad it."
Legolas actually thought the King might not live to see morning for the first time since he'd taken over his care.
*
"I cad nod sleeb."
"I care not." Legolas snapped from his makeshift cot across the room, still fuming after the loss of the better part of his dinner. "Be silent so that I may."
"I do nod feel very good," Aragorn whined. "I ade too much dinner."
"If you lose that dinner, you are cleaning it up yourself, I assure you," Legolas warned.
"I ab nod goig to lose id." Aragorn said, insulted. "But I ab thirsdy."
"You were well enough to get my dinner. Get your own water. And rid your nose of its obstructions. I grow very weary of listening to you speak and breathe like a dwarf."
Aragorn obligingly brought a stiffened piece of cloth to his nose, blowing it ferociously.
When the sound died away and his ears stopped popping painfully, he heard Legolas' unrestrained laughter.
"What is funny?" he asked, voice much clearer for the moment.
"You sounded exactly like an orc horn just then. I was just thinking that at any moment Gimli will break through that door, axe at the ready."
"I could only hope," Aragorn responded. "Now will you get me some water?"
"What is wrong with your two legs now that was not wrong with them a few hours ago?"
"I spent all my energy. You know, Arwen would never laugh at me. She would get me my water."
"Well you should have thought of that and checked your tongue and she'd be here with you now, bringing you your cursed water. And if she were still here, she would undoubtedly gladly bring you water. Laced with poison."
Aragorn growled and eventually rose to get his own water, making a point to make as many groans of discomfort and weariness as he possibly could. Legolas lay, back to him, and seemed not to notice at all.
Making his way back to the bed, Aragorn lay and looked at the ceiling for a while, waiting just until Legolas' breathing was become slowly more regular, and as the elf reached the very edge of sleep, whined loudly, "I still can nod sleeb."
Legolas drew in breath very quickly, so that it sounded almost as a hiss.
Inspired, Aragorn continued. "Arwed always sigs to me whed I can nod sleeb."
"I am not going to sing to you," Legolas assured him.
Aragorn sniffled. "You cad tell me a story."
He could see Legolas bristling in a shaft of moonlight that fell across the room from the partially opened curtains.
"All right. Here is your story. There was once, long ago, a man, a King of men, who would not grant an elf, a prince of elves, very handsome and noble, who was graciously caring for him a moment's peace. He whined for his wife, he called him foul names, he would not do as he was told, and he stole the elf's dinner. Finally, he tried the good elf too much and would not let him take his rest. And when the King finally did fall asleep, the elf bludgeoned him to death with a chair leg."
Aragorn sat in shocked silence for a moment, eyes wide. Finally, he found his voice and said in surprise. "Thad wad nod a very good story."
"Perhaps it was not so much a story as prophecy," Legolas suggested.
"You are threadening me now? Aragorb, son of Arathord?"
"What?" Legolas asked, raising his head.
"Aragorb!" Aragorn repeated before he realized that the elf was simply playing his own game again.
Legolas let loose a bark of laughter. When at last, he quieted, Aragorn looked at the ceiling and thought about it for a few moments before announcing:
"I shall very much enjoyd hafing you pud to death whed I ab bedder," he said at last, and went to sleep.
******
This was of course, as most things are with me, a little tongue in cheek. I do not mean to imply that chicken soup was actually a remedy in Middle Earth.
I haven't had to do any more policing at 4 a.m., thus the pace of this chapter slowed a bit! Which is fine with me! Thanks again to everyone for reviewing! Notes to everyone below, followed by a quick advertisement, that you can fast-forward through if you are so inclined!
Crazy/Evil: so glad I could help out! Thanks!
Dot: Your story deserved all my comments and then some. Anyway, it seems not a far stretch at all that Arwen would outsmart them both. Art imitating life, I think.
Jedi-Faramir: Think your mom's available for hire? A research subject. "Say this. Now say this." Just a thought. Anyhow, I'm glad that you're still enjoying the story.
Dragon-of-the-North: My nocturnal friend! Yes, I've given up daylight almost entirely now, whenever possible. I hope you'll still be saying this ordinary stuff is interesting after say chapter four or five too! You really are too sweet with all your comments. And yes, I noticed your story on two or three favorites lists that I just happened to look at, no telling how many more it's on! I think it's on someone's recommended fiction page too!
Pie: No, no, no. You can't speak out loud to the computer UNLESS you live alone, see. I mean, just the dog would be okay, but someone's eventually going to lock you up if you're laughing at the computer and declaring that you are "de kig." It's really a bad idea. I should put a warning on this story. All my reviewers will be taken away. And yes, I think this is a definite slight on the elf's dignity, he's had to lower himself abuse as a sick maid. I am enjoying doing it to him.
Mouse: I'm glad you're still with me! You know, I just figure after so long of knowing a person, he's going to be able to get on your nerves pretty badly.
tapetum lucidum: Just tell your husband it's left over side effects from his medicine and that he's imagining things! He'll never know. And yes, please do use the line. It works for colds as well as for people who have had dental work, or that are drunk come to think of it. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to get Legolas sick…and of course I'm evil enough to do it in a second. But I just don't know how I feel giving an immortal elf who cannot get sick a cold. I'd have to have a really plausible excuse for it, and I haven't thought one up yet. But yes, except for that reason, I would absolutely do it! MWAH HA HA.
TrinityC: LOL. Glad to see the idea of Legolas as Kathy B. is appealing. You know, if no one else read your last review and my comment to the one before that, that sentence will sound very, very strange. Arwen, I'm convinced, can handle anything or anyone. She rocks. I want to be just like her when I grow up.
My Own: I am thinking of all sorts of revenge on Arwen. You're right…she's had a very, very easy time of it, hasn't she? I'm glad the misunderstanding with your lab demonstrator got cleared up. It might be good to keep him as an ally to keep you from blowing things up! (Or maybe you are better at chemistry than I was).
Jebb: I'm very glad that this made you smile. And I think it's unanimous that we all agree men are very bad sick people. Or very bad, sick people. LOL. However you care to punctuate that is fine.
Soul: Legolas is evil. Arwen is evil. I think that yes, all elves are evil. I mean, after so long of living around Middle Earth, you would think a few of them had to turn dark, right?
Mari: What a sweet review! Thanks! No, you're right, the cold talk is not perfectly accurate. It gives me fits…when I finally do think I get it right, it's unrecognizable what he's just said! But I am glad that you're enjoying it! And yes. Arwen has done quite a nice job of making things nice for herself and not so much so for everyone else. As I said earlier, I admire that elf-witch.
Estelcontar: Just tell all your friends that you're going to start going by that. The ones that haven't read Lord of the Rings should have interesting reactions. I'm glad the constant cold speech isn't getting on anyone's nerves too badly (except mine! Not really). I think it is definitely worse when men think they are dying. At least when they pretend they aren't sick they are out of your hair. Then again, they usually get even more sick that way, and in no time at all, they're whining. You know, it's really no wonder I DON'T have any male reviewers for this story.
Platinum Rose Lady: Disclaimer: The writer will not be responsible for any injury incurred when reader falls on the floor, though it pleases her greatly to hear about it! Your review had me laughing out loud at my computer! You are so very kind!
Artemis: Hey! Maybe I can use you for research instead of Jedi-Faramir's mom! You'll have to keep the "code" for a few more weeks. Your cold speech was much more accurate than mine! I hope you feel better though…just remember what you sound like in case I have questions!
I thought about what you said about Arwen, but I still think she isn't exactly human since she's given up her immortality. After all, she's going to live for much, much longer than Aragorn or any other human still. She has to live "until the years of her life are utterly spent." I just don't think sickness would interfere with that, so I'm keeping her elfly in that regard.
*****
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"When Day Comes Down," "And Moon Rides High," and "The Answer is in Dawn" is a little trilogy I wrote about the aftermath of Helm's Deep from the perspectives of Aragorn, Legolas, and Eowyn. It's some pretty heavy stuff, admittedly, but I'm proud of it. It's very Aragorn/Legolas centric, with some Arwen, if you like stories about these guys. Eowyn gets thrown in there too. I do like Eowyn, though I think Aragorn made the correct decision, of course. If you are so inclined, and not enthusiastic about getting back to work, school, etc., feel free to check those three stories out by visiting my author page.