Sneezes and Sword Fights
By Joanna
Chapter 10: Needling
Aragorn seemed to thoroughly enjoy his stint as Gollum and was still carrying on about the precioussss as Arwen stood in the doorway and watched him through increasingly widened eyes.
In a rather pathetic attempt to hide Aragorn, Legolas moved between the bed and Arwen, hoping to obscure her view, though he suspected the damage was already done.
"What have you done to my husband, Legolas?" Arwen asked, rather calmly for someone who's husband thought he was a five-hundred or so year-old hobbit in the possession of the One Ring.
"I--I told you. I put the root in the medicine," Legolas murmured, looking at his feet.
"How much of the root did you put in the medicine?" Arwen pressed as Legolas stopped just short of dragging his toe along the ground as Imeren did when she was scolded.
"Well, I did not think I could get him to swallow as much of the medicine as he did. I was concerned about his lack of rest."
"Yes. His lack of rest was clearly the motive in this situation," Arwen said in a tone of great disappointment.
"He spit medicine on me! He drew blood! I had very little choice in the matter!" Legolas defended himself, pointing to the already healing scratches upon one cheek and the now mostly faded bruise on his other.
From behind him, he heard Aragorn continue. "Three hudred against ten thousad! They are all goig to die! There's no hope! We'll never make id! Aragorb, you must protect be!"
"Do you see what I have had to put up with?" Legolas asked, imploring for understanding as he gestured behind him.
"I know he is not an easy charge, but Legolas, truly…how much of the root did you give him?" Arwen asked again, her voice gentling. In a moment though, her eyebrows climbed almost to her hairline as she looked around Legolas to Aragorn.
Legolas turned reluctantly, afraid of what he would find, and rightly so. Aragorn had climbed to his feet atop the bed. When he saw that he had his audience's attention, he drew a deep breath, squared his shoulders and pointed at Legolas, "I would cud off your head, dward, if id stood bud a liddle higher frob the groud!"
"Clearly you've got work to do here, Legolas, and I shall leave you to it. Please keep him from leaping from the windows if he thinks he's the Wind Lord?"
"Ill news is an ill guest!" Aragorn growled at Arwen.
Legolas winced, because Arwen's glare in response to that bit of pleasantness was directed right at him. Shaking her head, she murmured something about returning later when her husband was hopefully restored to his right mind, and walked from the room.
"The precioussss is lossssst!" Aragorn wailed after her, and Legolas would have sworn when he turned and met Aragorn's eyes that he saw a flash of wicked amusement in them and that Elessar knew very well what he was doing as he placed Legolas in Arwen's bad graces.
*
His head pounded as if with the thrumming of the very drums of war, the dull headache he'd grown used to in past days obscured completely by the new and utter agony of the building pressure against his skull.
He was dizzy, disoriented, and confused, and felt as if he could sleep for years, if only the persistent pounding of his head would recede.
At last he forced his eyes to open, knew the meaning of agony, and saw Legolas hurriedly come forward.
In a flash of memory, which also seared his brain, he remembered lunging out of the bed at Legolas, and then looking up from the flat of his back as Legolas stood over him with a knowing…and victorious…look. Beyond that, he knew nothing at all.
"Who are you now?" Legolas asked him cautiously as Aragorn blinked in confusion and was rewarded by the annoyed, and distinctly Aragorn-esque look he received in return.
"You poisoed me!" Aragorn's whispered accusation was accompanied by his finger stabbing through the air at Legolas. The sudden movement cost him and he dropped his hand instead to clutch his head.
"Only a little." Legolas returned. "You've survived it."
"The pedalty for tryig to kill a Kig is death," Aragorn reminded him darkly.
"I was not trying to kill you. At least I do not think I was," Legolas shrugged. "At the time, my motives were unclear to me."
"You gave me Somneil plant?" Aragorn wondered as he took the nearly empty vial from his bedside and sniffed it experimentally, immediately screwing his face into one of disgust as a massive shudder took his shoulders. "How mud?"
"Half the root of a good sized plant," Legolas admitted sheepishly.
"Legolad!" Aragorn cried. "How log haf I beed sleepig?"
"You mean before or after you tried to bring down the mountain on me and the other hobbits?"
"Whad are you talkig aboud? Did you tag somb of the rood too?"
"No, but I'm beginning to wish I had some right now," Legolas sighed and agreeably fetched Aragorn some water when he requested it. It was the least he could do, after all, since he'd nearly killed him.
*
When the last remaining drowsiness from the dose of the mind-altering plant had receded, Aragorn was left with only a terrible headache and increasingly bad temper. He felt restless and heavy and wanted desperately to move about, to exercise his stiff limbs and to desist with this feeling like an old, helpless man, but could not under the watchful eye of his nurse.
Alas, it had not escaped his attention that the elf had won the war of the medicine and being defeated always put Aragorn in a rather foul mood.
"You never could have overcomb my stregth if you had nod taged me by surprise while I was weaked with fever," Aragorn said some time later, as Legolas sat in the windowsill reading the volume he'd become interested in as Aragorn slumbered.
"I could have overcome you with both hands bound behind my back, blindfolded, on one leg," Legolas returned easily, without looking up from his book. "But I do not hold it against you, Estel. After all, you are but a mere mortal man."
"A mordal!" Aragorn snorted, as if in defiance of this. "A mordal thad cad wield a sword bedder than you haf ever beed able to do, as well as shood an arrow bedder!"
"If you must believe that to make yourself feel better, I shall not try to stop you," Legolas shrugged but Aragorn saw his shoulders draw up a bit in annoyance at the implication that Aragorn was better with both sword and bow.
Legolas fought with a sword better than most, and was likely the best archer of the age, but he had never quite been able to stomach that Aragorn's skill with a blade was legendary, to the point of surpassing his own. It was, perhaps, his one vanity. He prided himself on his ability to handle weaponry. Knowing this, Aragorn began to see a way out of bed, and he pursued it.
"Id is really nod your fauld. Sword fighding is dirdy work. Ad we all know how much you hade to mess up your hair. Addyone cad stand away and shood arrows at somethig," Aragorn shrugged.
"I have ceased to find interest in this discussion," Legolas snapped and deliberately looked out the window so that Aragorn would not see the narrowing of his eyes.
"Do nod be ashabed," Aragorn soothed in a voice like honey, watching the scowl move across the elf's face in the reflection from the window pane. "You are good ad other thigs…I can nod recall whad ad this timb, bud I ab sure there id somethig."
"The effects of the root are still clearly affecting your brain, mellon nin, if you honestly believe you could best me in a sword fight. I am a better swordsman."
"Prove id," Aragorn suggested, raising an eyebrow and sitting up in bed.
"I am not going to fight you while you are ill," Legolas tried.
"I seed. You are scared of the truth. I cad respecd thad, I subbose."
"Your attempts to provoke me will not work, Aragorn. Just because I forced the medicine down your throat, successfully, I might add, is no reason for you to feel you must prove your manly superiority to me at this point. I remain unconvinced as ever."
"Thad wad quite a speech. You must really be scared of me," Aragorn goaded.
Legolas turned back to the book with a quick intake of air that sounded like a hiss, and satisfied, Aragorn sat back on his pillows and watched Legolas battle between his desire to prove him wrong in the matter and his desire not to let him have his way by being tricked into a contest.
Either way, Aragorn supposed, it was a victory for him, and he was entertained, which was of course, his primary concern.
*~*~*~*~*
I have officially survived my first year in my PhD program. After a 48 hour stretch of massive paper writing, I am DONE (Done, Done, Done, Done, Smeagol is FREEE!), and if I may say so, "I ab the kig!" (sorry Legy, just for today). You may ask yourself why would someone who has written two 30 page papers in the space of a week be updating twice in one week? Well, if you get an answer, could you please tell me because I have no idea. All I can figure is that I'm so used to HAVING to write something that I now cannot accept that I am allowed to stop.
This story will be wrapping up fairly shortly, however, of course I was struck by a muse at dawn yesterday morning (always happens when I'm writing things that aren't fun to tempt me back into fiction), and rumors of a sequel can now be confirmed, in addition to a new dramatic story. In the Sequel, tentatively titled, "Slings and Arrows," the tables will be very much turned. Incidentally, the sequel and last chapter of this story will be posted simultaneously for an easy transition!
************
Anyway, as I am so sleep deprived as to have crossed over the borders of sanity about six hours ago, I cannot be held responsible for anything I say or do in the answering of these reviews. To give you an example, several times in the writing of this, I had Legolas speaking cold speak and then realized, oh, that's not right.
Semmerie: Bless your heart, sickly thing! You need some Somneil root and black medicine, I think. It'll fix you right up. Feeling better now though? And your Gollum was quite good as well. Gollum is actually, in real life, the absolute only impression I can manage…but I do it well enough to unnerve several of my friends, so that's saying something!
The Insane One: it's officially time for me to assume your title.
Dawtheminstrel: I think the fact that it was exam week and 6 a.m. was likely the source of your hysteria, you just happened to be reading the story at the time. You clearly just needed that little push over the edge, which I am happy to provide, of course. And yes, they are both pure evil in this story, though I do believe Aragorn wins it for the spitting in the face.
Bant: Oh, it seems I'm going to be writing this story forever. Every time I think to wrap it up, I get the idea for another chapter…and not for another story altogether. How in the world did I end up trying to write HUMOR?
Mouse: OH! I didn't even THINK of Legolas! That would have been great. In fact, I'm going to go add it into the chapter above right now…which will actually means it will have been there before you read this, but it's almost like time travel for me to do it this way…I told you…sleep deprived. Yes, there, it's done now. Enjoy. Oh, and I've had a generous offer from a beta reader, but I'm open to more than one set of comments, if it's something you'd like to do!
Nilmandra: Indeed. I discovered Nyquil for the first time this winter, and fell in love with it. Only when I have a cold, but let me tell you. I'm one happy girl on that stuff. I love the far away knees and tingling sort of fingertip feel of that stuff. I sort of feel like that now, come to think of it.
Pie: I really thought about the strangling in the guise of a hug, but wanted to let Aragorn fly a little longer. I don't think there's really a place called Transylvania, although I really always thought there was until maybe a year or so ago. And yes, yes, Legolas is real, even if Transyvania isn't…no worries mate (don't you say that down under sometimes?). LOL. I guess I could have pulled out "I spy" too last chapter, but perhaps that would have been pushing it a bit too far? What is a doona? And yes, Legolas will play a major, major role in my drama fic. Primarily he, Aragorn, Arwen, Eowyn, and Faramir. How odd to think winter is coming for you, when we're stepping into the first hot, humid days of summer here.
Angelsandelves: Thanks! I think I like this one better than Dragons or Ribbons too. It's definitely been more fun to write with all my fun reviews for encouragement!
JEbb: Increasingly, it looks as if the elf will NOT escape unharmed. Aragorn has many, many plans at this point.
Zoya: I too admire Legolas' restraint in this whole matter. He's really to be commended.
Dragon-of-the-North: A one handed review! Have you done something to your other hand as in broken it, or were you just multi-tasking (something I've not learned to do). And yes, it's Aragorf when he's got the strangle hold round your throat, Aragorb any other time.
Dot: Hello there! Arwen must be almost ready to wash her hands of them. She simply must. And I believe I feel sorrier for Legolas than Aragorn officially now.
Polgara-5: Thanks so much!
tapetum lucidum: I walked around for two days thinking of which lines to include and I can't believe I forgot the forked tongue one! Oh well, I got a little Grima in this chapter anyway. Oh, and I highly recommend using the forked tongue comment to people in general. Grima can be substituted for whatever…example: "Keep your forked tongue behind your teeth, John Doe, I did not pass through…" You get the point. It still works nicely. And you're closer than you know to my plan for the future!
Suze: Per your request, I will deliver two more chapters, in addition to a whole new story. Hope that's okay!
Kaz: I survived first year! WHOO HOO! See, I told you I would celebrate seriously over smaller things than dissertations. I'm not even waiting to see if I passed or failed anything. Either way, it's over! What kind of puppy is Orli? And here's my motto concerning papers and presentations and such: it will all get done when it has to. I should stitch that on a pillow somewhere.
Alice: Thanks so much! My dad calls Legolas "legless" and thinks it is a grand joke and I may have mentioned this somewhere before, but his new joke is: "where do you find Legless?" And the answer is "Wherever you left him." GROAN.
Little-lost-one: thanks! So glad you liked it!
Angeleyes: Thanks! And don't keep the laughter down, laugh maniacally wherever you are. It'll make the people around you leave you alone!
CelticBard: Cool name! Why does everyone have such a cooler name than me on this thing? Oh, probably because I picked a boring one! Thank you much! Here you go!
IceDemon: I ask myself the question of how can I torture Legolas so every single day. And the answers I give myself are just as disturbing as the question…I am glad that you enjoyed it though!
Raider-K: Aww, thanks! These are my very first attempt ever to write a story in which humor was supposed to be the central sort of theme, so it's been, er…interesting to try to keep it up for this long.
BloodandGold: Thanks so much for all my reviews from you this week! It's made the non-stop paper writing…and when I say nonstop I mean paper-writing with a break every five minutes to check my email or search for some random fact on the internet…so much more fun.
E.M.Theis: We're all used to your strange, unexplained bouts of crazed laughter at this point. We just sigh and carry on…You do realize that you can't start a story like that and not finish it. "to say this is the funniest thing since the unfortunate incident involving an acquaintance, a super bounce ball, and copious amounts of alcohol…" I mean, come on. Do tell. And please do take my job…not the fan fiction writing so much as the grad student thing. Seriously. It's yours. And longwinded is definitely a good thing.
Laura: Or should I call you Legolas…"What do you elf eyes see?" Well Arwen came, as you saw, and promptly left them alone again.
MichelleFrodo: Lord. She's now taking this act to English lessons? There really is no hope. The soap is in the mail, by the way, with my most humble apologies. And I WAS thinking of ending this story. But apparently I'm going to still be writing sequels to it when I'm 90. And to think I just planned on Dragons or Ribbons to be this one little attempt at humor never to be picked up again…And I am now stuck as a writer of slap-stick comedies.
LegyLuva: Wow…a little scary are you. Yes, yes, indeed. And I am sure MichelleFrodo would never, EVER exaggerate and that in fact you covered her with "I ab the Kig" tattoos, which got ME into trouble with her, so thanks a lot!
Estelcontar: Good point! I don't know what I was thinking…oh wait, yes I did. I missed Cinco de Mayo, and so all the specials on margaritas were over with. This weekend I may have several. Or just go straight for the tequila. Tonight it was between a drink or a hot fudge sundae…and the sundae won out.
Tessa: as far as what exactly the drug does to him…a little of anything and everything. He's just completely off his rocker, remembering and forgetting random things at will. No rhyme or reason, he's just plain lost it.
TrinityC: Yes, I am officially IN the happy place right now and likely will be for a good three or four weeks. After I awaken from a two day nap. Is work better yet? I hope so! You can come get margaritas with Estelcontar and me!
Elessarfanactic: okay, so as long as you know you're a little frightening too! Okay, so let me know where your story is when you do get it up, because I surely do not want to have my face eaten…yeah, I'm scared.
Mari: Well, the tornados are gone for now, but we did have them again the next night and morning and I'm just about sick of rain. I struggled with returning Aragorn to sanity or just letting him wonder the rest of his days muttering about preciouss…alas, I missed him so I brought him back. Such is the power and whim of the pen…or the keyboard as it may be. Wasn't sure how the little one line impressions would go over, but I had SO much fun thinking of which ones to use.
I shall see you all again soon. Off to bed I go. Sleep, sleep, I am asleep.