Sneezes and Sword Fights
By Joanna
Author's Note: I'm going on vacation Thursday and will likely not update this story until after I return, May 24th. This is not the last chapter. Chapter 12 will be the last, and the sequel will begin at the same time. I just didn't want y'all to think I'd abandoned this story when you don't see a regular update! I hope you'll come back to witness the dramatic, heartbreaking, epic, could-possibly-change-your-outlook-on-life, concluding sequence, or you know, Chapter 12, in a week and a half! --J
Chapter 11: A Fever Broken
Legolas tried. He tried very hard and very nobly to go back to his book, to let Aragorn's taunting roll off of his shoulders, because he knew that would aggravate Aragorn.
Nearly as much as Aragorn had aggravated him with his incessant bragging about being the better swordsman.
Even Aragorn knew that his own assertions were folly. He must. Yes, the man was good with a sword, but to insinuate that this, well, youngster, might be able to fight with a blade better than an elf, an elf trained in war and weaponry…it was absurd. The worst sort of insanity.
Aragorn, had, after all, taken quite a bit of the root. Well, not taken, Legolas corrected himself, so much as had it forced down his throat.
They could discuss this rationally soon, when Aragorn was feeling better. And if they could not discuss it, then Legolas could quickly put the man in his place with a quick turn about the courtyard. Perhaps he would not draw too much blood from Aragorn, just enough to settle the matter with finality.
Legolas nodded to himself, made a silent pact. He would not rise to Aragorn's bait; rather, he would let the sick King think he was better with a sword for the moment if that would perhaps ease his fevered mind.
Except that even the suggestion that Aragorn was better just stepped beyond ridiculous and he was having quite a bit of trouble leaving it alone.
Still, in this particular instance, silence was almost certainly the wiser choice.
"You are absurd. You are not better with a sword than I," Legolas said abruptly, thereby signaling the end of his reign as Legolas the Wise. He had not much enjoyed it as it was.
"Elf, I could lob both poidy ears off your poidy head before you had timb to draw a blade."
"Your dirty head would be lopped from your shoulders ere your sword cleared its sheath."
"There id bud one wad to seddle thid madder," Aragorn sighed and sat up. "A dueld!"
"Do not be a fool. We are not going to duel right now. You are ill. It will not be a fair contest for you in the very prime of health, much less weakened with your mortal's sickness."
"Thid id your only chance to wid againdstd me. I would tag id if I were you…but thag the Valard I ab nod you."
Legolas felt his teeth wearing away beneath the force of his clenched jaw, could feel his blunt fingernails making crescent indentions in his palm.
"Let us send for swords," the elf said at last with a nod.
"Do nod be ridiculud. The guards are nod goig to brig us blades. I ab sure Arwed told them nod to led either of ud have weapods."
"Then how do you suggest we settle this disagreement?"
Apparently Aragorn had been contemplating this for some time, hinging all his bets on a fight, for he quickly said, "breg the chair."
Legolas was annoyed to have been quite so easy to gauge. But the challenge was accepted now, and there was no turning back.
"What?" Legolas asked and Aragorn gave him a sharp look to determine if the elf was playing his game of having him repeat amusing words, but saw that Legolas really did look baffled.
"Breg the chair apard. We cad use the legs."
"Chair legs! Where in Arda did you get that idea?"
"Frob you. Your story. You said you would bludgeod be to death wid a chair leg. Prove id."
"You want me to break the chair apart? Arwen will have your hide and mine!"
"Do nod worry. I ab goig to have your hid first. There will be nothig left for Arwed. Besides, I do nod tag orders from the Queed. Do you?"
Legolas gave an unelfly snort at this idea, something he'd picked up from Aragorn over the years. "Say that to her face when she next visits, and we'll see who gets skinned first. At least I have the good sense to recognize a foe beyond my skill when I see one."
"Breg the chair!" Aragorn insisted, and when Legolas did not move for the furniture, gave a suffering sigh and threw back the covers, standing up. The last dizziness from the root assaulted him and he staggered in a diagonal line, until at last he reached the wall, which he pressed himself to and closed his eyes, taking deep breaths.
"How is holding the wall aloft going, mellon nin?" Legolas asked smugly after a moment.
With a determined look, Aragorn pushed off the wall and teetered toward the chair in as straight a line as possible.
Giving Legolas a superior and challenging look, he hefted the chair high above his head and with all the force he possessed, hurled it at the bare stone floor.
It bounced and skittered and remained in tact. Aragorn stumbled backwards and gasped for air.
"Having trouble, My Lord?" Legolas asked sweetly.
"No!" Aragorn snapped and went to drag the chair up from the floor, and to again try to smash it against the stone with a mighty cry of war.
The chair did not break. Aragorn tried again.
"Your strength is failing. Perhaps a nap before our duel?" Legolas suggested.
"You do id thed!" Aragorn challenged and stepped back.
Confident, Legolas took his place, picked up the chair, and swung it at an expanse of stone wall with all his strength. The reverberation nearly shook his arms out of their sockets and he was forced to drop it from his numbed fingers. The chair did not even wobble as it fell to the ground with a solid clack.
Aragorn raised an eyebrow, sneezed, and watched as the elf tried again. And again.
"Did the dwarves make this furniture?" Legolas finally inquired as he slumped against the wall, companionably now, beside Aragorn, who had adopted a similar posture.
Both stared at their worthy and inanimate adversary for a while. At last, Legolas pointed out, "you would have to fling it from a mountain top to shatter it!"
They gasped some more for a minute, then were set upon by the same thought at the same moment, and together they straightened, looked at one another, and dove for the chair.
They carried it to door leading onto the balcony, looked down to be sure the courtyard below was clear, and tossed it over the edge.
As the chair fell, end over end, Legolas and Aragorn peered after it, holding their breath with anticipation.
The chair seemed to take forever to fall the distance from the high balcony.
When at last, it dropped onto the stone of the courtyard below, scaring birds from the trees Legolas had planted around the rock, it cracked and scattered in several different directions.
Legolas and Aragorn, as children watching a parade below, gave wild cries of glee and stopped just short of embracing one another.
They both hurried inside, unaware that for many days afterwards, there were tales in the city of furniture falling from the sky.
*
Once inside, Aragorn called his guards forth. One of them appeared in the doorway, looking suspiciously from man to elf, who were both poor at concealing the fact they were up to something that they did not wish the Queen to discover.
"Id my wife near?" Aragorn tried to ask casually, and failed.
"No, King Elessar. Would you have me fetch her, My Lord?"
"No!" Aragorn and Legolas gasped out quickly at the same time, and then gave each other identical looks of disdain.
"Is there something amiss, My Lord?" The guard persisted.
"Yed, we seembed to have drobbed a chair from the balcody by mistag."
The guard's brow lowered in confusion and Legolas added, "yes, it was a strange thing, indeed. The King was going to sit in the sunshine for a few moments, but it seems that there was a strong…wind…and it was very strange, but the chair was picked up and fell from the balcony. I suppose we are all fortunate the King was not yet sitting in the aforementioned chair at the time…the time of the wind which picked it up and threw it over the balcony, that is."
Aragorn coughed abruptly and gave Legolas an incredulous look before turning to the guard. "Pleased have sombwud brig us the chair. Actually, if they could just brig the chair legs, thad will be fined."
His guard was well trained, but not even his training could keep the look of bewilderment off of his face as he nodded and bowed and turned to go do his guardly duty.
When he was gone, Aragorn looked at Legolas scornfully. "A wid piged id ub and drobbed the chair?"
"Did you have a better explanation for how a chair falls from the balcony by mistake?" Legolas snapped back.
Both thought it would likely be better to speak on it no more, and so they waited in silence for their weapons to be brought to them, which they promptly were.
The guard handed Legolas four chair legs and then stood uncertainly.
"Thad will be all," Aragorn said and waved a hand in dismissal, but called to the guard before he closed the door. "Oh, ad please, no word aboud thid to addywad. Would nod wand to worry the Queed with repords of dadgerous wids. She has enough to worry aboud."
When the guard was gone again, man and elf each selected his weapon and faced off, bowing formally as they each grasped their chair legs, which would have better served as clubs than swords.
"Yours id longer," Aragorn complained.
"I always suspected," Legolas returned dryly and was ready for and easily parried Aragorn's lightning strike in response.
And neither of them noticed, as the fever of their own battle climbed, that Aragorn was sweating profusely, his fever finally broken.
*******
Okay, just so you saw above, this is not the last chapter. 12 will wrap up this story and then the sequel will begin at the same time. However, I am going on vacation this week and will not be back until May 24th or so to update. (Unless I get really inspired and write another chapter before leaving on Thursday…but I may work on my other story a little and try to get a preview of that posted) Please don't forget me or these two poor fools at each others throats.
For you all:
TrinityC: I drank many margaritas. For you, for me, for the Kig, the elf. The orc in the back row at Helms Deep. You know. I'm a giver. As far as your dead line, you'll make it. This is my new philosophy in life: it will all get done. It's a very simple philosophy, but what more do you want from me? All my other words are turned in on papers to professors!
Nimue: You joined the story just in time for the bludgeoning to resume! LOL! I love the world phelgmy. In fact, I think it may be my new all-time favorite word. And yes… though Aragorn is the height of manliness…to me this was all the more reason why he'd be super-wimp with the cold. All men's powers and goodness seems to reverse equally when they contract an illness! Thanks so much for reviewing!
Lusha: wow! I've got a story that needs a warning! I'm so proud, you've made my day! I had another reader who kept falling from her chair…I think she placed pillows there in the end in anticipation, which delighted me to no end, but of course, that's a lot of pressure on a girl to write a story in which those pillows get used. And yes, I'm trying to make all my readers get colds so that I can use them for research of how things will sound! South Africa! My uncle was just there, I believe. He's one of these galavanting types that can be anywhere…but I've heard it is a wonderful place from him.
JEbb: It's the least I can do to try to keep you entertained, because in return I am totally, totally amused by these reviews. And yes…in 12…the elf will get his own.
Daw the minstrel: I think is was Mouse who wanted a Legolas impression, and I just had to do that one, because I walk around muttering "They are all going to die" to myself in elvish sometimes…usually when I'm driving, as today when I made my 5.5 hour trip home and people wouldn't get out of the fast lane. Perhaps I shouldn't disclose this kind of information…
Bant: Well thanks! You're sweet! I hope I can keep it up.
Nilmandra: Okay, you're absolutely right, as usual. Fan fiction is GOOD for the studies…yes. It is primarily concern for my studies that had me abandoning all papers to chase plot bunnies across my desk. Thank you for understanding what none of my professors can. Okay…I'm sensing a bias here for the "charming elf." Who would've thought it?
Pie: I would totally go to see the two movies back to back. Do you know I never saw FOTR on the big screen (GASP!) I know, I know. I just didn't think it was something I'd like. Then a friend made me watch it, and now she's very, very sorry because I dragged her to see TTT many, many times and like to do my Gollum in public to embarrass her. I hope they do something like that here…maybe after the 3rd movie's been out for awhile…a 12 hour movie screening! Wow. Oh! And thanks for the explanation of doonas. I like that word a lot too. I understand now.
DragonEyeZ: Hi! Thanks so much! The accent has been work…let me tell you. It's been me sitting in my apartment and talking to myself like I have a cold. Craziness, I tell you. I'm certifiable. I must give credit where credit is due…the wiping the nose thing was actually a reviewer's idea, Snowballjane….and I loved it too. I forgot that I could use it again!
JastaElf: After reading your work, I'm seriously honored that you took time to review this story. I just saw that you're the mastermind behind "The Scruff Factor" story I keep seeing and I always mean to read it but now that I'm out of the hell of finals, I will definitely be checking it out!
Zoya: Wow, two reviews! What a gift! Yes, I did dances, I offered prayers and sacrifices to the Gods, I did it all and now I really am officially on vacation! But yes, I decided Legolas needed to do some deep soul searching in this chapter. You can see how that turned out…
Dragon-of-the-north: I still feel a little in finals mode, like I should be frantically studying or writing something. I'm ready for that to go away so I can just RELAX. As for Arwen's ability to handle male person's…I don't think it's fair that she so effectively handles them, and then there's me…I need to learn from this elf. And I drew the sword fight away for one more chapter…but it IS coming next! The whole chair thing was quite unexpected but occurred to me as I wrote it. I hope your wrist is feeling better!
Elessarfanatic: Hey, I'm used to my old college roommate calling me that (she did tonight as a matter of fact as I was talking to her on the phone for the first time in forever), so no problem. I pretty much answer to anything, apparently. LOVED your 50 ways to fail exams, however, THAT I could probably figure out. But if I ever need to fail an exam, I'm opting for "pretend to be a windmill." And yes, I'm sitting in my room, pretending to be a windmill right now. It's kinda fun.
tapetum lucidum: Hi Doc! Do you make everyone who you've ever known call you DR. after all this work? I've tried to get my friends to go ahead and try it out, but strangely they are unreceptive. What's your doctorate in? LOL. Dr. and Mr. Grima…I think that's going to stick with me.
Dot: I know! Don't you hate when you've got mounds of work to do and everyone else is finished? My roommate used to always flaunt it when she'd get done before me…not that I would er, um…ever do that to her. No, precious. And I have stuffed my little muse in a little box with bubble wrap, poked some holes in it, attempted not to bend its little fluttery wings, and shipped it to the Emerald Isle. If it makes it, I'm going to stuff myself into a little box with bubble wrap, poke some holes in it, attempt not to bend my fluttery wings, and ship myself there too. Look for me in 6-8 weeks. Good luck with your stuff!
Trustingfriendship: Thank you, thank you! Quarters! BLAH! I do like semesters better I believe...however, yes, I stand by my prescription for success in finals…study for 20 minutes, read a chapter…eat a hot fudge sundae, read a chapter, study for 20 more minutes. I mean, they do say that you stop retaining info after 20 minutes. I like this theory. And good luck!
Kaz: How's the new puppy! Sounds so cute! And yes, everyone around me can seem to do about twelve things at once…I can't talk on the phone and walk down the aisle of a grocery store…I have to stop, huddle by the canned goods, and continue the conversation.
Alice: That joke was good too. It reminds me of another of my dad's favorites which is: Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? Because it was dead. You can see where I get my twisted sense of humor from now. And no, I would never, never kill the Kig. Perhaps the elf though. Tell your sister Hi!
Mouse: Well, it was the least I could do since you offered to Beta! And speaking of, I'll probably send you a chapter as soon as I get back from vacation!
Sami: Hey, it was a good idea! Thanks again for that (still, how many chapters later, it's there!). Thanks!
Tessa: Never fear! The Kig will be in full force in the sequel. I was sad to end it too, so here I go with another attempt at "funny." Thank you, thank you.
Semmerie: Hope the medicine helped! Apparently you at least found a happy place too, so that's good. LOL! And I know better than to mess with someone on Somneil root, so I'm handing over the chapter and backing away SLOWLY, hands up. And man, I should have had Aragorn do Yoda! Or Alf…or Dobby from Harry Potter.
Blahblah: Yes, the promised swordfight draws very near.
Hoppi: thanks! Comedy's something I haven't really tried before now, so I find it very rewarding…and relieving….every time a new chapter gets good responses, because sometimes I'm like, this is the most UNFUNNY thing in the world that I've just written…and then other times, I amuse myself to no end, and don't even care if no one else gets it…but then I remember that I'm not very deep and if I get it, everyone gets it! LOL! And yes, type that story up!
Estelcontar: Hey! I'm there for the frozen margaritas, any time, any place! (I started without you last week….sorry, but hey, you went out and did the same thing, so we're even). And I did not get poisoed, so all was good. It is probably seriously better NOT to think too hard about where I come up with all this stuff. I prefer not to face it…denial. I deny everything. All charges. And thanks for my review of my sad story…lol. It's my true love, all the angst, and no one believes me.
The Insane One: Okay, didn't have the energy to do that little alternating upper and lower cases…but after the review, yes, me thinks it IS your title! Hee. Just kidding.
Laura: Yes, it's been very hard to convince them to hold off for one more chapter. Both were at each other's throats and I said "wait!" and they looked at me, paused in mid-lunge and said, "you've GOT to be kidding me!" Anyway, thanks for the congrats…but I'm just done with my first year…out of four. Sigh. To be completely done. Wow. That'd be good.
SilverWolf: Hi there! Thanks for reviewing…I'm so glad you liked both stories. Dragons or Ribbons was an attempt at subtle humor gone bad…and well, this one, this one never had a chance of subtlety. Jim Carrey, meet LOTR! And the cold speak is very, very "contagious." I find myself writing it for other characters without colds when I'm not paying attention, so be forewarned! And I promise that legolas will be paid in full for all his kindness to the Kig!
Arwen Undomiel: Is there no end to this girl's madness I ask you? Good Lord. You too? You and Michelle Frodo are going to have to…I don't know…hypnotize her and convince her she's not the Kig…and that she's a chicken instead. Thanks for reviewing! Writing a little note is the least I can do to you guys who take time out to review!
Legy(AKA DA KIG): Oh My Goodness…your people are about to rise up in revolt against their Kig. You've been forewarned. And no, no, see I'm finishing this story, but picking up right where it leaves off…so it's basically just a title change, not an ending! Feel better? Don't go all Kig-mental on me. Now, children, children…stop writing on one another during your english lessons. You should be paying attention! I do not want to be held responsible for your academic downfall…being responsible for mine is quite enough of a burden!
Okay, those responses took me a bit and I didn't proofread them. If they make no sense….well, what's new really?
I LOVE me some reviews!