Understanding

Chapter 6 – Darkness and Panic

I woke early the next morning, following just three hours of fitful sleep. It was just 6am, and the sun was pouring in through the window at this time, preventing anymore sleep. I pulled on jeans and a t-shirt and exited my room. I was just going to head downstairs when I saw the door at the end of the corridor was open. Severus was inside, obviously having just transfigured a makeshift lab in this room. I sauntered in, yawning loudly.

'Do you ever sleep?' I asked, taking in the fact that, for the first time he wasn't wearing a huge black robe. He was dressed in just black trousers and a white collarless shirt.

'There will be time for all the sleeping in the world once Voldemort's good and dead.' I walked past him, peering around the room. There was, to my surprise, a fully stocked store cupboard adjacent.

'This is great. Are we going to get started?' I asked, yawning widely yet again.

'Yes, if you can manage to keep your eyes open long enough.' He shot me a look, and I smiled back to him.

'I think I can probably survive.' I took a seat and picked up the book we would be working from. 'Right, we need three dried mandrake leaves, a quart of armadillo bile and a bezoar to start.'

We sat down and began to work silently on the base for the potion, which was largely the same as any other base, but required slightly more concentration and precise measurements of substances to be added at specific times. When we were waiting to add new materials, we were carefully preparing the next ingredients, so the only conversation consisted of hurried requests to pass the mortar and pestle or the bottle of armadillo bile. It was already dark outside when I added the final shred of boomslang skin, before the potion had to be set to rest for exactly twelve hours, over low heat. Now that I was finally finished for the day, I was too shattered to move anywhere. But, sick of the wooden, backless stool I had been sitting on all day, I transfigured a box into a sofa, and collapsed into it, sighing with relief as my back relaxed into it for the first time all day. I stretched out and let my head fall back, my eyes closing. A few moments later, I was drifting off to sleep.

I woke up some time later, my nose filled with a smell that I could only recognise as not belonging to the potion we had made earlier. I kept my eyes closed, relishing the fact that I felt comfortable and rested, rare for me when I have not slept in a bed. The smell was filtering into my mind now, but I couldn't place it. It was familiar, yet unfamiliar. I concentrated on regaining all my senses, then opened my eyes. Then I realised. Severus must have fallen asleep next to me, it was his smell filling my nostrils. My head was resting on his shoulder, his arm curled around my waist. I smiled to myself broadly and nestled my head into the soft cotton of his shirt.

I had sat there contentedly for some time, when Severus jolted awake. He suddenly snatched his arm from around me and wrenched up the sleeve on his left arm. I saw the Dark Mark, glowing reddish black on his arm. He ran his finger over it, jerking his hand back as if he had been burnt. Then he jumped up and marched out of the room. I jumped up and followed him out, into the room next to mine along the corridor.

'Severus, what's going on?' I asked worriedly.

'I've got to go. Voldemort. I've got to go.' He sounded half asleep, as he rifled through a wardrobe against the opposite wall. I stood there, silently watching as he pulled out a long black cloak and pinned it around his shoulders. Then he grabbed what looked like an large black mask, and swung past me to rush down the stairs. I flew down after him. He hauled the window open, hardly seeming to notice I was there.

'Severus, please be careful.' I whispered, walking over to him.

'Don't worry.' He murmured, hands on my shoulders. I looked into his fathomless black eyes, finding myself getting lost in them.

'How can I not worry?' I asked anxiously. 'How long will you be?'

'A couple of hours maybe. Now, don't you dare follow me.' He returned to his threateningly silky professor's voice, which in this situation seemed gloriously sexy to me.

'I won't. Now promise me you'll be careful.'

'I promise I'll be as careful as I can.' He completely surprised me then, by kissing me lightly on the forehead, before slamming the dark mask down over his head.

'I'll be waiting for you when you get back.' I cried, just as he transformed into an eagle and soared gracefully out of the open window, into the night. My heart was beating in my throat as I slumped into a chair. I was worrying enough for the both of us, I knew, but I couldn't stop myself. I was aware that if it was me who had to present myself to Voldemort, I would not be scared. It was a control thing. When I lost control was when I started worrying. And all on my own in this pub in the dead of night, I had definitely lost control over the situation. I suddenly felt ridiculously young to be in such a potentially dangerous situation. What if Severus didn't return? What if he was badly injured when he did? I'd often had these moments over the years. Everything would be ticking along just fine, then suddenly I'd feel so out of control, too young to cope with it all. This was one of those moments. I curled my knees up to my chin and wrapped my arms around my body, desperately wanting someone to tell me that everything was going to be okay. I liked being on my own usually, but just occasionally, usually when there was no one available, I craved physical attention, needing someone to hug me like I'd never needed anything before. I sat there for a while, rocking back and forth, trying to think rationally as my imagination kicked in. My imagination often ran wild at moments like this; even though I knew I was being totally irrational, I couldn't stop myself. I knew I was in the early stages of a panic attack now, but try as I might I couldn't drag my self away from my thoughts. I was running through all of the possible scenarios in my head, all of them bad. I could remember times in the past, where my parents had been late home from work, and I had sat fretting on the stairs, thinking they had been in a car crash, or something, when they would stroll through the door, having been shopping.

This random panic was something I would never dream of admitting to anyone. All of the people I knew thought of me as strong, dependable and always in control. If they knew I could work myself up into such a wreck, they would probably die of shock. Thinking about it brought me out of my panic slightly, and I could feel the worry abating slightly. I checked my watch, now able to force out the thoughts running through my mind slightly. Severus had been gone for two and a half hours now. I had no concept of time when I got myself in a panic. I made myself breathe deeply, shutting my eyes and lying back in the chair. I resisted the urge to glance at my watch every thirty seconds.

Some time later Severus flew into the room, transforming in mid air, and stumbling over on the long cloak that had appeared around him. I jumped up, rushing to where he was. He stood up, he looked all in one piece as I pulled him into a clumsy hug, squeezing him half to death in my relief.

'Thank goodness you're okay. I was so worried.' My voice was muffled by his cloak. I knew I was sounding slightly crazy, but I didn't care. I realised in that split second that right now, this man, whom I had despised for the last seven years, meant an awful lot more to me than I would care to admit to Harry or Ron. I hadn't failed to notice that he was also gripping on to me as if his life depended on it. His voice was barely audible as he whispered hoarsely into my hair.

'I'm so glad you're here, Hermione.'

A/N

I'm sorry this is really short and it's been a long time since I updated last, but I've been busy with chemistry coursework. This chapter has all just poured out of me in the space of about half an hour, so I'm sorry if it makes no sense. I know exactly where I'm going, but getting there is what's difficult!

Thanks loads to ChishionoTenshi and divagoddess for reviewing!!

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