The Artemis Fowl Show THREEEEEEEEE ! ! !
by Spectra16 (AHAHAHAHAHAHA!)
Disclaimer: Nup to the ownin'! Nobody gets into thug mansion without me nowin' bout' it!
A/N: And. . . what planet are you from, again?
Disclaimer: We here down on planet eart'!
A/N: What-ever! Anyway, what he was trying to say is that Spectra16 doesn't own anything here. My job is to tell you that this story was revised, edited, revised, and looked over a billion times cause Spectra16 likes fans. And she does whatever she can do to keep those fans. So she gives them a medium part in the story. No, you can't have a medium part in two of them. Unless she says so. Maybe a small part. But not a medium one because then the cast of Artemis Fowl wouldn't be able to say anything! Anyway, thanks reviewers! ! ! And, people, I can use any fiction reviewer I want to! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The audience rules all! Disclaimer: See you up in thug mansion! (A/N whacks him with a spatula)
Artemis: I have a good idea, LET'S GO BURN THUG MANSION! (Disclaimer crosses his eye brows)
**************************
"Hi and welcome to the Artemis Fowl Show! Third edition!" Spectra16 called out.
"Since when did we start doing that?" Artemis asked.
"Since the last show!"
"Oh."
"Anyway, we actually have a show planned out this time! WE HAVE SCRIPTS! And a director. Or several directors. All of the previous one's went to a mental hospital. I wonder why," A/N announced. The Audience is silent. One person coughs.
"I'm the director!" Artemis senior said. Everyone looked at him quietly, and then looked away.
"Today is a good day. Kitty Rainbow is our guest!" Disclaimer yelled. Audience goes wild.
"Hello everyone! GREAT TO BE HERE!" Kitty yelled.
"Hey dad, did you pack the extra aspirin?" Artemis asked. Senior shook his head, no.
"This is very special. We actually have cue cards!" Spectra16 laughed.
"And it doesn't look like we're using them, does it?" Artemis asked.
"Onto the news! May 1st was the special day! Artemis Fowl Eternity Code came out!" Spectra16 didn't have as much enthusiasm as she wanted, "But since I live in Wisconsin, WE don't get the book until 5 days later because Wisconsin is a state no one remembers! URGH! Well, I guess you people out there in Kentucky, Afghanistan don't get the book for another few days and the people in England don't get it until June 1st. I'm so sorry to hear that but. . . cheer up! You guys get a code at the bottom. WE DON'T! The only code we got was for the FIRST book. I had to get my little hands on a British copy to decode the second book. Maybe I'll get lucky and get another British copy of the third. . ." Spectra16 rambled on.
"Anyway, Janey the Homicidal Maniac will also be joining us," Artemis continued with the show. He didn't sound so sure of himself. Audience claps for 10 seconds.
"Is something the matter, Arty?" Kitty asked.
"YES! Janey took me hostage!" Artemis complained.
"Sorry to hear that. But isn't she like the greatest author ever?!" Holly asked with enthusiasm, not caring much for what Artemis does in his personal time.
"You people just don't understand!" Artemis sat in a corner, rocking himself. "I wanna go home."
"You have a show to air and also, you are home! Remember? We do this show at YOUR house," Spectra16 asked sarcastically.
"I wanna lawyer," Artemis continued to rock himself in a corner, on the floor.
"I wanna doctor," Opal said quietly.
"I WANNA CHEESE SANDWICH!" Janey yelled. Butler ran to the kitchen to get her one.
"Here you go," Butler said.
"THANK YOU!" Janey yelled so that everyone could hear her.
"Do you people even care if I have problems?" Artemis asked, getting up from the floor and brushing himself off.
"No. Why do you ask?" Spectra16 said obliviously.
"Anyway! Time for the show! Let's watch a movie!" Artemis got over himself.
"Let's not and say we did. Unless someone brought a movie because Artemis only has stupid Irish movies with people with Irish accents!" Root complained. DJ starts to play the Barbie Song, again.
"Like the movie we had to see about the Selkie folk. Like (imitating the people on the movie) I saw im'! It was Janie! He wras runnin' aroun' naked with the selkies!"
"Did you say . . . Janey?" Janey asked.
"No, I said Janie. Just sounds like Janey. They are supposed to be saying Jimmy but the accent-" Artemis stopped Spectra16 from talking.
"MY accent!" Artemis yelled.
"Yes, your accent is what changes the word. See?"
"Sure. . ." Janey replied.
"Good. Now continuing on . . ." Spectra16 concluded. "We will also be having Mari on the show with us!" Audience claps and "woo's" a lot.
"KAMOOZY!" Mari yells. Audience yells "KAMOOZY!"
"Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. 'FEAR THE DRAGON' IS AN AWESOME FIC!" Spectra16 yells. Audience gets riled up.
"WAAAAHOOOOOOOO!" Mari yells. "Fear it."Chrysgurl stands up and acknowledges herself.
"And also on our show will be the Patron of Anonymity," Spectra16 claps loudly. BFW does too but besides that, the set is silent.
"YEAH!" Kitty Rainbow claps for the Patron. Then the audience and everyone else does too.
"And we have a few actors that have been rumored to appear in the Artemis Fowl movie which is coming out in 2005!" Spectra16 says and the audience claps.
"Okay. First is Jason Carter, who could possibly be Artemis," Disclaimer says. Audience claps for Jason.
"Okay, first question; Are you, in any way, related to Aaron Carter or Nick Carter?" A/N asks.
"NO WAY!" Jason yells.
"WAIT A SECOND! My deductions tell me that this show is a complete insult to the ff.net community. If these actors who are rumored to be in the Artemis Fowl movie, are not in the movie, then wouldn't they know? Or are they too stupid? Like you, Spectra16?" The Patron asks.
"Well. Writing does require taking risks you know. Risks of having people like you, read such stories. But besides that, I have no idea whether these people will be acting the movies. Thanks for pointing that out. Please save the rest of your questions for the end of the show. People who want to see these questions, scroll down," Spectra16. "And no, these are just actors that have been rumored to be in the movie, no, they are not stupid. Not like me anyway." Audience laughs. A few people leave.
"Anyway, to the questions. Since there is no proof of your existence, Jason, how on earth are people gonna believe that you are a being?" A/N asks.
"What do you mean?" Jason asks.
"I've looked everywhere for maybe a photo of you, a document, birth records, anything! I haven't found anything!" A/N says really fast.
"You looked for my birth record?" Jason asked. o_O
"Well . . . . . . yeah," A/N scratched her head.
"How?" Jason asked.
"I hacked into the CIA's documents, thinking you might be there since I don't know of any Irish secret service," A/N said.
Jason runs off of the set.
"Next actor that has brought up quite a bit of controversy is Winona Ryder!" Disclaimer claps. No one else does.
"Now, Winona. Did you know that you would be in the Artemis Fowl movie before you stole the stuff?" Disclaimer sort of interrogated.
"I don't even know for sure wether I will now. It was a big mistake, I know. I haven't even read the Artemis Fowl books," Winona whines. The audience gasps.
"NEXT actor is Vin Diesel, who has a shot at being all of our favorite, BUTLER!" Spectra16 said moving on. Big, burly secret agent dudes hall off Winona.
"HI VIN!" Mari shouts.
"Hi?" Vin said, a bit afraid of his surroundings.
"Why do you look like you just stepped on a stink worm?" Root asked.
"Who are you?! What do you want?!?!?" Vin asked, covering himself with his leather jacket.
"Why is he like that?" Kitty asks.
"I REMEMBER NOTHING! Only that the last thing I saw before everything went black, was someone coming strait at me with a bat. It was *looks around* . . . YOU!" Vin cries and points at Spectra16.
The agents take Vin to a hospital for mentally unstable.
"You know what? I think Simon Cowell should be Artemis Senior for the movie!" Spectra16 yells.
"Anyway, this show was blackmailed so we had to include a guest host. Her name is EVIL ALEX!" Disclaimer shouted.
"Hello," Alex smiles evilly.
"If you are in smart groups, you may know her as-," Spectra16 began but Evil Alex slapped her mouth shut.
"Must not tell others of my name. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Evil Alex proclaimed.
"As paranoid as some of the characters in this story maybe, they are only acting and this show is just one big scam," Artemis said directly to the camera.
"This is a test. This is only a test. You are being tested. The highest possible grade is an A. You may begin," Spectra16 said. The Audience was in sheer amazement of her stupidity and bad jokes.
"That's something I would say," Evil Alex said. The Audience cheers.
"Why is it that Spectra16 is a weirdo?" Butler asks.
"Hey! She's cool. She made me a STAR!" Artemis runs out into the main area of where they are taping and dramatically has his arms wide open, and a smile on his face.
"Now you have your own talk show," Mari stated the obvious.
"I eat cheese," Opal also stated the obvious.
"That's nice," The Patron said, unamused.
"The last show was stupid. We had this Wizard of Oz thing going on," Holly complained.
"I thought it was better than the first Artemis Fowl Show!" Root yelled. He doesn't normally share an opinion but today is a new day, isn't it?
"ANYWAY! On to the real show! No more updates on the book-," Spectra16 was cut off by Pex.
"89 WAYS TO CRACK A WALNUT! 89 WAYS! ! ! ! ! DO YOU PEOPLE EVEN REALIZE HOW MUCH TIME AND EFFORT IS PUT INTO FINDING 89 FREAKING WAYS TO CRACK A STUPID LITTLE WALNUT?!?!?!?! HUH!?!?!?! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT KIND OF MONEY IS PUT INTO FINDING THEM ALL!?!?!?!?!?!!?!? I DON'T THINK YOU DO! ! ! ! I SHALL DEMONSTRATE!" Pex took a walnut, gingerly out of his left pocket and chucked it at Regis Philbin (who was only sitting in the audience). Regis was left with an imprint of a walnut in his head, and fell to the floor, dead.
"OH MY GOODNESS!" Angeline Fowl gasped and then fainted.
"THAT'S NUMBER 62 IN THE HIGH, HOLY RULES OF "HOW TO CRACK A WALNUT IN ORDER TO JOIN A CHICAGO GANG, JUST IN CASE YOU NEED TO?"! ! ! ! !" Pex then left the Fowl Manor and drove away, back to the institution from which he came.
"Maybe random guests are not as healthy as I perceived," Spectra16 said.
"I told you random fics can destroy a perfectly good mind!" The Patron said, and crossed her arms.
"Yes. My motto; Destroying minds, one at a time," Spectra16 said sarcastically.
"KAMOOZY!" Mari yelled in Artemis ear.
"OW! God, what is wrong with you?!" Artemis asked, clutching his ear.
"I wanna visit Kamoozy. But you can't come with because it's not right," Mari said, crossing her arms like the Patron. The Patron pulled her own arms apart, trying not to do anything like Mari.
"I dig there," Spectra16 said.
"Hi," A black boy comes out of the Audience and comes unto the stage.
"HI HECTOR!" Spectra16 giggles.
"It's Zero, you jerk!" Kitty complains. Kitty then crosses her arms like Mari. The Patron rolls her eyes.
"Okay, I'm sick of people ruining this show! Please, if you are not scheduled to appear publicly on my show, do not even attempt to show your face on the stage. I will sick either Butler or one of our highly trained assassins to snipe you or both on you," Artemis said as clearly and slowly as he could.
"Like Hayabusa?" Mari asked.
"Yes. Like Hayabusa," Artemis said. The Audience clapped for no good reason.
"And me?" Evil Alex asked.
"Yes. You too, if you don't hurt me," Artemis said and cringed. He wasn't in the mood for being kicked or punched or beaten for that matter.
(A/N: For all you extremely picky reviewers, I purposely put "or" more than twice because it's fun. I do not do it because I think that it proper grammar or such. Everyone makes mistakes. EVERYONE! Acting superior will get you killed, just so you know that.)
"KAMOOZY!" Mari jumped up and down.
"Now, we will have our latest person executes from the hit TV show, "The Mole: Artemis Fowl Style" . . . . JULIET BUTLER!" Artemis introduced. Juliet takes a seat in between The Patron and Artemis.
"Now Juliet, what did it feel like when you were on a reality TV show for the first time?" Lawrence asked.
(A/N: See my cast guide, thanks Mari for the brilliant idea!)
"It was fun but the troll testicles were absolutely gross! Even though I was starved. We all sang a song, even though the show didn't show everyone singing their song. I started to sing "The Thong Song" but uh . . . ABC wanted to keep it a PG rated show," Juliet batted her eyes at Lawrence.
"Yes, what were your regrets, if you had any?"
"I regretted not eating the troll stuff. It made me look like I was the Mole. I also wished that I was on the show long enough to get a partner and those CUTE, little note books!" Juliet giggled.
"Sure . . . . . . . what did you feel when you left Hawaii?" Lawrence asked, a bit afraid of the outcome.
"I was kinda happy. I GET TO SEE YOU NOW!" Juliet ran over to Lawrence and hugged him.
"We'll be back after these messages," Lawrence said, trying to get Juliet off of him.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Artemis: What's a Dextrum?
Mari: Dunno. What?
Artemis: Why would I be asking you if I knew?
Mari: Good point.
Artemis: So what public announcement are we doing?
Mari: The one about the Artemis Fowl Show.
Artemis: Oh yes. That one. We are sorry to announce but The Artemis Fowl Show has been lost forever in a cyber world that isn't exploited by humans and cannot be exploited by humans. The Artemis Fowl Show 2 and The Artemis Fowl Show THREEEEEEEEE ! ! ! are still around but my computer was formatted and my copy of the Artemis Fowl Show is lost. I've already reposted it once and it was taken off a second time. Again, Spectra16 is sorry. There is nothing she can do about this. Although, she will egg Britney again.
Mari: Good job.
Artemis: Thank you.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Alright, next, Evil Alex will be juggling sharp objects," Lawrence lied.
"No, she won't!" Janey stood up in the Audience and protested.
"Good point. Because of lack of nothing to do, we have invited Simon, Paula, and Randy to judge, yes judge some of the people's singing," Lawrence said.
"WHAT!?!?!?" Artemis yelled.
"You will be singing. You could be the next American Idol," Spectra16 said. Artemis fainted.
"Can we please get on with this? I have a "Prime Time" interview to do," Simon complained.
"Isn't Prime Time on NBC?" Holly asked.
"I dunno. I just do it because they respect British people," Simon said.
"I WANNA SING! I WANNA SING!" Chix yelled.
"We know," Simon said, trying to creep out everyone. It was working.
"OOOH YOUR SCARING MEEEEE!" Paula covered her ears and shut her eyes tight.
"First contestant is Opal," Lawrence read from his little index cue card. Opal went in front of the judges.
"Oh. I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN! OH OH OH! WE'RE JUST ROCKIN' TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN YEAH! OH OH OH! TOTALLY CRAZY-," Opal screamed. Everyone hated it. It sounded like a cat getting rolled over by an eighteen wheeler.
"That was beautiful," Simon said, telling the truth. HIS truth anyway.
"I HATED IT!" Paula said, pulling out her hair.
"You're just rockin' to destroy my brain cells!" Randy said.
"HE'S ALIVE!" Artemis got up from the floor. "HE WAS DEAD IN SOME OTHER FAN FIC!"
"Next is Holly Short," Lawrence said.
"YOU MAKE ME FEEL! YOU MAKE ME FEEL! YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A NATURAL WOMAN!"
"I . . . can't . . . . TAKE IT ANYMORE!" The Patron yelled. "WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE WRITE GOOD STORIES?!?!?! WHY IS SPECTRA16'S BRAIN SO FREAKING SMALL?!?!"
"Cuz I was born that way?" Spectra16 guessed.
"WHY, WHY, WHY?!?!?!?! INSANE ASYLUM IS WHERE SPECTRA16 BELONGS! AAAAAAAAAAAH! I HATE HER STORIES! I HATE ALL THE RANDOM STORIES!" Runs all over the place. The agent dudes take her out to get some fresh air.
"I guess the auditions are over, right?" Artemis asked.
"Yup. But look at the bright side-," Lawrence began.
"BRIGHT SIDE?!?!? BRIGHT SIDE!!?!?!?!?!?! WHO CARES ABOUT THE BRIGHT SIDE????????? LOOK AT ALL THE ARTEMIS FOWL SHOW FANS THAT ARE GOING TO HELP EGG BRITNEY!!!!!!!!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!"
Then, Britney came out from the set, tied to a chair. The Audience had previously been given eggs. The people on the set also had eggs. Then everyone egged Britney. And there was much rejoicing. :)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Spectra16's Guide To People She So Advertently Uses
Artemis Fowl Show~ A show that was created by Spectra16 when she forgot to sleep for three days. A talk show, kinda.
Spectra16~ A fan fic writer. Loves to be humble. Doesn't like hypocrites. In fact, she hates them. Is obsessed with Artemis Fowl. Also possessed by him. Works for the CSIS but has a double life as a 'Spec'.
Disclaimer~ Cool dude. Used to be used for telling people that the author of the story doesn't own something. Spectra16 changed that. Now he's a thug going to thug mansion. Likes slang.
A/N~ A.K.A. Author's Note. Sensible. Tries to bring Disclaimer back to sanity. She's ditzy sometimes. Likes ice cream.
Artemis Fowl The Second~ Kidnaped Holly. Saved father from Mafia. Created C Cube. To me, he's known as victim, lunatic, genius, smart kid, and someone who is probably trying to take over the world. My view of him is very unique.
Kitty Rainbow~ Fan Fic writer. One of the best. Owe my life to her. Stole the 3rd book code from her. Blue Yeti threatens to steal my life from me. Is in an e-mail group of mine. WE'RE GROUPIES!
Artemis Fowl Senior~ Father of Artemis'.
Janey the Homicidal Maniac~ Also in the same e-mail group. Crazy. I've been compared to her. Another great fan fic writer.
Opal Koboi~ Freak. Needs serious mental help.
Julius Root~ Always ticked off. DJ plays Barbie song around him a lot.
DJ~Plays music for my fics. Awesome cool dude. Better than Disclaimer.
Mari~ Fan fic writer. Another one of the "Greats". (I do have a list of them. I am not on it.) Obsessed with finding the country of Kamoozy. A.K.A. surrealallstar.
Chrysgurl~ A fan fic writer that writes other stories than just humor. Has a really funny story called "Fear the Dragon". Does so with the title. Also a great fan fic author. Patron can disagree if she wants to. I am untitled to my own opinion.
The Patron of Anonymity~ Fan fic reviewer. Doesn't post her stories, in fear that someone will diss her stories like she does. Has an identity disorder. Has her own web site that directs people on how they "should" write. Yes, I have been there on a brief visit. Very brief; A run though of 30 seconds. Talks a lot like Artemis. Hates random, humor fics. Thinks I'm immature (who wouldn't?). Be careful, she can be everywhere. Even in that e- mail group I was talking about. The Patron is a F.O.T.W. That doesn't stand for anything bad, Patron. Hackers know that saying. Just something I had to tell all my fellow hackers out there. Not that I hack, of course. If you read my biography, you'll see that I detest them very, very much.
BFW~ Another fan fic reviewer that rips on people. Haven't gotten any reviews from them. At least I don't recall any. I have no idea what BFW stands for.
Jason Carter~ Perhaps going to play Artemis. Rumors suck!
Aaron Carter~ Freak.
Nick Carter~ Brother of Aaron. Drunk.
Audience~ Has control over everything. Trust me.
Winona Ryder~ Is starring in a recent movie that will be a sequel; Crouching Tiger, Missing Items.
Vin Diesel~ Actor from xXx. Might be Butler. *cringes* Ew.
Burly, big secret agent dudes~ I dunno. I needed someone strong enough to pull Vin out of there.
Simon Cowell~ My idol. Really should be Artemis Fowl Senior. American Idol judge. ATTITUDE!
Evil Alex~ A friend of mine from school. Also in that e-mail group. GROUPIES!
Butler~ Artemis' ah . . . . butler.
Holly Short~ Fairy person. Kidnaped by Arty. Never liked her much. I don't normally use her in my stories. If I do, it's usually a small part.
Pex~ Jon Spiro's gorilla. Got into gangs by cracking a walnut. If you ask me, this world is going to you-know-where.
Regis Philbin~ Former host of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" Now, my victim.
Hector~ A.K.A. Zero. From "Holes". Mari added him. He thinks my butt is big. I do too.
Hayabusa~ Assassin ninja dude. Trying to kill Arty.
Juliet~ Butler's sister.
Lawrence~ Director that hasn't gone insane. My favorite made-up heart throb.
Paula~Judge from American Idol. Softy.
Randy~Fat dude from American Idol Judge.
Chix~Annoying pixie dude.
Britney~Annoying pop star that I love to egg.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Glossary (I dare you to try to look more than two things up. Bring it on!)
ABC- (see "Reality TV shows")
American Idol- (see "Reality TV shows")
A/N- (see Author's Note)
Anorexic- Not fat.
Artemis Fowl Show- (see "Reality TV shows")
Audience- (see "control the world")
Author's Note- (see "Side people")
Barbie Song- Too much for Root to stand.
BFW- (see "crazed fan fic writers")
Bright Side- (see "unparanoia")
Britney- (see "screeching pop stars")
Butler- (see "crazed characters")
Carter- (see "screeching pop stars")
Cheese Sandwich- (see "unparanoia")
Chicago Gang- (see "control the world")
Chrysgurl- (see "crazed fan fic writers")
Control the world- (see "definite world peril")
Cowell, Simon- (see "control the world")
Crazed characters- (see "control the world")
Crazed fan fic writers- (see "control the world")
Definite world peril- Something of what this definition is.
Dextrum- (see "medication")
DJ- (see "disk jockey")
Diesel, Vin- (see "paranoia")
Disclaimer- (see "side people")
Disk Jockey- (see "DJ")
Elimination- (see "execution")
Evil- (see "control th world")
Evil Alex- (see "crazed fan fic reviewers")
Execution- (see "The Mole")
Fan Fic (fan fic)- Words.
Fear the Dragon- Well?
Factious characters- (see "definite world peril")
Factious worlds- (see "definite world peril")
Foaly- (see "techies")
Fowl- (see "control the world")
Granulated Cylinder- Something that measures.
Hayabusa- (see "evil")
Hector- (see "slave")
HOW TO CRACK A WALNUT IN ORDER TO JOIN A CHICAGO GANG, JUST IN CASE YOU NEED TO?- Book.
Insane Asylum- (see "Granulated cylinder")
Insanity- Something that Winona Ryder has.
Janey the Homicidal Maniac- (see "crazed fan fic writers")
Kamoozy- (see "factious worlds")
Kitty Rainbow- ( see "crazed fan fic writers")
KK- my psychiatrist.
Lawrence- (see "Spectra16's Guide To People She So Advertently Uses")
Mari- (see "crazed fan fic writers")
NBC- Program.
Patron of Anonymity- ( see "crazed fan fic reviewers")
Paula- (see "anorexic")
Prime Time- (see " Rather, Dan")
Sanity- (see "The Patron of Anonymity")
Selkie- (see "factious worlds")
Something I will burn down- Well, I will!
Thug Mansion- ( see "something I will burn down")
Randy- (see "funk")
Rather, Dan- (see "sanity")
Reality TV Shows- (see "definite world peril")
Ryder, Winona- (see "insanity")
Wizard of Oz- ( see "factious worlds")
Zero- (see "factious characters")
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A/N: I didn't make any mistakes. Everything was intensional. So don't pick on me!
by Spectra16 (AHAHAHAHAHAHA!)
Disclaimer: Nup to the ownin'! Nobody gets into thug mansion without me nowin' bout' it!
A/N: And. . . what planet are you from, again?
Disclaimer: We here down on planet eart'!
A/N: What-ever! Anyway, what he was trying to say is that Spectra16 doesn't own anything here. My job is to tell you that this story was revised, edited, revised, and looked over a billion times cause Spectra16 likes fans. And she does whatever she can do to keep those fans. So she gives them a medium part in the story. No, you can't have a medium part in two of them. Unless she says so. Maybe a small part. But not a medium one because then the cast of Artemis Fowl wouldn't be able to say anything! Anyway, thanks reviewers! ! ! And, people, I can use any fiction reviewer I want to! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The audience rules all! Disclaimer: See you up in thug mansion! (A/N whacks him with a spatula)
Artemis: I have a good idea, LET'S GO BURN THUG MANSION! (Disclaimer crosses his eye brows)
**************************
"Hi and welcome to the Artemis Fowl Show! Third edition!" Spectra16 called out.
"Since when did we start doing that?" Artemis asked.
"Since the last show!"
"Oh."
"Anyway, we actually have a show planned out this time! WE HAVE SCRIPTS! And a director. Or several directors. All of the previous one's went to a mental hospital. I wonder why," A/N announced. The Audience is silent. One person coughs.
"I'm the director!" Artemis senior said. Everyone looked at him quietly, and then looked away.
"Today is a good day. Kitty Rainbow is our guest!" Disclaimer yelled. Audience goes wild.
"Hello everyone! GREAT TO BE HERE!" Kitty yelled.
"Hey dad, did you pack the extra aspirin?" Artemis asked. Senior shook his head, no.
"This is very special. We actually have cue cards!" Spectra16 laughed.
"And it doesn't look like we're using them, does it?" Artemis asked.
"Onto the news! May 1st was the special day! Artemis Fowl Eternity Code came out!" Spectra16 didn't have as much enthusiasm as she wanted, "But since I live in Wisconsin, WE don't get the book until 5 days later because Wisconsin is a state no one remembers! URGH! Well, I guess you people out there in Kentucky, Afghanistan don't get the book for another few days and the people in England don't get it until June 1st. I'm so sorry to hear that but. . . cheer up! You guys get a code at the bottom. WE DON'T! The only code we got was for the FIRST book. I had to get my little hands on a British copy to decode the second book. Maybe I'll get lucky and get another British copy of the third. . ." Spectra16 rambled on.
"Anyway, Janey the Homicidal Maniac will also be joining us," Artemis continued with the show. He didn't sound so sure of himself. Audience claps for 10 seconds.
"Is something the matter, Arty?" Kitty asked.
"YES! Janey took me hostage!" Artemis complained.
"Sorry to hear that. But isn't she like the greatest author ever?!" Holly asked with enthusiasm, not caring much for what Artemis does in his personal time.
"You people just don't understand!" Artemis sat in a corner, rocking himself. "I wanna go home."
"You have a show to air and also, you are home! Remember? We do this show at YOUR house," Spectra16 asked sarcastically.
"I wanna lawyer," Artemis continued to rock himself in a corner, on the floor.
"I wanna doctor," Opal said quietly.
"I WANNA CHEESE SANDWICH!" Janey yelled. Butler ran to the kitchen to get her one.
"Here you go," Butler said.
"THANK YOU!" Janey yelled so that everyone could hear her.
"Do you people even care if I have problems?" Artemis asked, getting up from the floor and brushing himself off.
"No. Why do you ask?" Spectra16 said obliviously.
"Anyway! Time for the show! Let's watch a movie!" Artemis got over himself.
"Let's not and say we did. Unless someone brought a movie because Artemis only has stupid Irish movies with people with Irish accents!" Root complained. DJ starts to play the Barbie Song, again.
"Like the movie we had to see about the Selkie folk. Like (imitating the people on the movie) I saw im'! It was Janie! He wras runnin' aroun' naked with the selkies!"
"Did you say . . . Janey?" Janey asked.
"No, I said Janie. Just sounds like Janey. They are supposed to be saying Jimmy but the accent-" Artemis stopped Spectra16 from talking.
"MY accent!" Artemis yelled.
"Yes, your accent is what changes the word. See?"
"Sure. . ." Janey replied.
"Good. Now continuing on . . ." Spectra16 concluded. "We will also be having Mari on the show with us!" Audience claps and "woo's" a lot.
"KAMOOZY!" Mari yells. Audience yells "KAMOOZY!"
"Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. 'FEAR THE DRAGON' IS AN AWESOME FIC!" Spectra16 yells. Audience gets riled up.
"WAAAAHOOOOOOOO!" Mari yells. "Fear it."Chrysgurl stands up and acknowledges herself.
"And also on our show will be the Patron of Anonymity," Spectra16 claps loudly. BFW does too but besides that, the set is silent.
"YEAH!" Kitty Rainbow claps for the Patron. Then the audience and everyone else does too.
"And we have a few actors that have been rumored to appear in the Artemis Fowl movie which is coming out in 2005!" Spectra16 says and the audience claps.
"Okay. First is Jason Carter, who could possibly be Artemis," Disclaimer says. Audience claps for Jason.
"Okay, first question; Are you, in any way, related to Aaron Carter or Nick Carter?" A/N asks.
"NO WAY!" Jason yells.
"WAIT A SECOND! My deductions tell me that this show is a complete insult to the ff.net community. If these actors who are rumored to be in the Artemis Fowl movie, are not in the movie, then wouldn't they know? Or are they too stupid? Like you, Spectra16?" The Patron asks.
"Well. Writing does require taking risks you know. Risks of having people like you, read such stories. But besides that, I have no idea whether these people will be acting the movies. Thanks for pointing that out. Please save the rest of your questions for the end of the show. People who want to see these questions, scroll down," Spectra16. "And no, these are just actors that have been rumored to be in the movie, no, they are not stupid. Not like me anyway." Audience laughs. A few people leave.
"Anyway, to the questions. Since there is no proof of your existence, Jason, how on earth are people gonna believe that you are a being?" A/N asks.
"What do you mean?" Jason asks.
"I've looked everywhere for maybe a photo of you, a document, birth records, anything! I haven't found anything!" A/N says really fast.
"You looked for my birth record?" Jason asked. o_O
"Well . . . . . . yeah," A/N scratched her head.
"How?" Jason asked.
"I hacked into the CIA's documents, thinking you might be there since I don't know of any Irish secret service," A/N said.
Jason runs off of the set.
"Next actor that has brought up quite a bit of controversy is Winona Ryder!" Disclaimer claps. No one else does.
"Now, Winona. Did you know that you would be in the Artemis Fowl movie before you stole the stuff?" Disclaimer sort of interrogated.
"I don't even know for sure wether I will now. It was a big mistake, I know. I haven't even read the Artemis Fowl books," Winona whines. The audience gasps.
"NEXT actor is Vin Diesel, who has a shot at being all of our favorite, BUTLER!" Spectra16 said moving on. Big, burly secret agent dudes hall off Winona.
"HI VIN!" Mari shouts.
"Hi?" Vin said, a bit afraid of his surroundings.
"Why do you look like you just stepped on a stink worm?" Root asked.
"Who are you?! What do you want?!?!?" Vin asked, covering himself with his leather jacket.
"Why is he like that?" Kitty asks.
"I REMEMBER NOTHING! Only that the last thing I saw before everything went black, was someone coming strait at me with a bat. It was *looks around* . . . YOU!" Vin cries and points at Spectra16.
The agents take Vin to a hospital for mentally unstable.
"You know what? I think Simon Cowell should be Artemis Senior for the movie!" Spectra16 yells.
"Anyway, this show was blackmailed so we had to include a guest host. Her name is EVIL ALEX!" Disclaimer shouted.
"Hello," Alex smiles evilly.
"If you are in smart groups, you may know her as-," Spectra16 began but Evil Alex slapped her mouth shut.
"Must not tell others of my name. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Evil Alex proclaimed.
"As paranoid as some of the characters in this story maybe, they are only acting and this show is just one big scam," Artemis said directly to the camera.
"This is a test. This is only a test. You are being tested. The highest possible grade is an A. You may begin," Spectra16 said. The Audience was in sheer amazement of her stupidity and bad jokes.
"That's something I would say," Evil Alex said. The Audience cheers.
"Why is it that Spectra16 is a weirdo?" Butler asks.
"Hey! She's cool. She made me a STAR!" Artemis runs out into the main area of where they are taping and dramatically has his arms wide open, and a smile on his face.
"Now you have your own talk show," Mari stated the obvious.
"I eat cheese," Opal also stated the obvious.
"That's nice," The Patron said, unamused.
"The last show was stupid. We had this Wizard of Oz thing going on," Holly complained.
"I thought it was better than the first Artemis Fowl Show!" Root yelled. He doesn't normally share an opinion but today is a new day, isn't it?
"ANYWAY! On to the real show! No more updates on the book-," Spectra16 was cut off by Pex.
"89 WAYS TO CRACK A WALNUT! 89 WAYS! ! ! ! ! DO YOU PEOPLE EVEN REALIZE HOW MUCH TIME AND EFFORT IS PUT INTO FINDING 89 FREAKING WAYS TO CRACK A STUPID LITTLE WALNUT?!?!?!?! HUH!?!?!?! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT KIND OF MONEY IS PUT INTO FINDING THEM ALL!?!?!?!?!?!!?!? I DON'T THINK YOU DO! ! ! ! I SHALL DEMONSTRATE!" Pex took a walnut, gingerly out of his left pocket and chucked it at Regis Philbin (who was only sitting in the audience). Regis was left with an imprint of a walnut in his head, and fell to the floor, dead.
"OH MY GOODNESS!" Angeline Fowl gasped and then fainted.
"THAT'S NUMBER 62 IN THE HIGH, HOLY RULES OF "HOW TO CRACK A WALNUT IN ORDER TO JOIN A CHICAGO GANG, JUST IN CASE YOU NEED TO?"! ! ! ! !" Pex then left the Fowl Manor and drove away, back to the institution from which he came.
"Maybe random guests are not as healthy as I perceived," Spectra16 said.
"I told you random fics can destroy a perfectly good mind!" The Patron said, and crossed her arms.
"Yes. My motto; Destroying minds, one at a time," Spectra16 said sarcastically.
"KAMOOZY!" Mari yelled in Artemis ear.
"OW! God, what is wrong with you?!" Artemis asked, clutching his ear.
"I wanna visit Kamoozy. But you can't come with because it's not right," Mari said, crossing her arms like the Patron. The Patron pulled her own arms apart, trying not to do anything like Mari.
"I dig there," Spectra16 said.
"Hi," A black boy comes out of the Audience and comes unto the stage.
"HI HECTOR!" Spectra16 giggles.
"It's Zero, you jerk!" Kitty complains. Kitty then crosses her arms like Mari. The Patron rolls her eyes.
"Okay, I'm sick of people ruining this show! Please, if you are not scheduled to appear publicly on my show, do not even attempt to show your face on the stage. I will sick either Butler or one of our highly trained assassins to snipe you or both on you," Artemis said as clearly and slowly as he could.
"Like Hayabusa?" Mari asked.
"Yes. Like Hayabusa," Artemis said. The Audience clapped for no good reason.
"And me?" Evil Alex asked.
"Yes. You too, if you don't hurt me," Artemis said and cringed. He wasn't in the mood for being kicked or punched or beaten for that matter.
(A/N: For all you extremely picky reviewers, I purposely put "or" more than twice because it's fun. I do not do it because I think that it proper grammar or such. Everyone makes mistakes. EVERYONE! Acting superior will get you killed, just so you know that.)
"KAMOOZY!" Mari jumped up and down.
"Now, we will have our latest person executes from the hit TV show, "The Mole: Artemis Fowl Style" . . . . JULIET BUTLER!" Artemis introduced. Juliet takes a seat in between The Patron and Artemis.
"Now Juliet, what did it feel like when you were on a reality TV show for the first time?" Lawrence asked.
(A/N: See my cast guide, thanks Mari for the brilliant idea!)
"It was fun but the troll testicles were absolutely gross! Even though I was starved. We all sang a song, even though the show didn't show everyone singing their song. I started to sing "The Thong Song" but uh . . . ABC wanted to keep it a PG rated show," Juliet batted her eyes at Lawrence.
"Yes, what were your regrets, if you had any?"
"I regretted not eating the troll stuff. It made me look like I was the Mole. I also wished that I was on the show long enough to get a partner and those CUTE, little note books!" Juliet giggled.
"Sure . . . . . . . what did you feel when you left Hawaii?" Lawrence asked, a bit afraid of the outcome.
"I was kinda happy. I GET TO SEE YOU NOW!" Juliet ran over to Lawrence and hugged him.
"We'll be back after these messages," Lawrence said, trying to get Juliet off of him.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Artemis: What's a Dextrum?
Mari: Dunno. What?
Artemis: Why would I be asking you if I knew?
Mari: Good point.
Artemis: So what public announcement are we doing?
Mari: The one about the Artemis Fowl Show.
Artemis: Oh yes. That one. We are sorry to announce but The Artemis Fowl Show has been lost forever in a cyber world that isn't exploited by humans and cannot be exploited by humans. The Artemis Fowl Show 2 and The Artemis Fowl Show THREEEEEEEEE ! ! ! are still around but my computer was formatted and my copy of the Artemis Fowl Show is lost. I've already reposted it once and it was taken off a second time. Again, Spectra16 is sorry. There is nothing she can do about this. Although, she will egg Britney again.
Mari: Good job.
Artemis: Thank you.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Alright, next, Evil Alex will be juggling sharp objects," Lawrence lied.
"No, she won't!" Janey stood up in the Audience and protested.
"Good point. Because of lack of nothing to do, we have invited Simon, Paula, and Randy to judge, yes judge some of the people's singing," Lawrence said.
"WHAT!?!?!?" Artemis yelled.
"You will be singing. You could be the next American Idol," Spectra16 said. Artemis fainted.
"Can we please get on with this? I have a "Prime Time" interview to do," Simon complained.
"Isn't Prime Time on NBC?" Holly asked.
"I dunno. I just do it because they respect British people," Simon said.
"I WANNA SING! I WANNA SING!" Chix yelled.
"We know," Simon said, trying to creep out everyone. It was working.
"OOOH YOUR SCARING MEEEEE!" Paula covered her ears and shut her eyes tight.
"First contestant is Opal," Lawrence read from his little index cue card. Opal went in front of the judges.
"Oh. I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN! OH OH OH! WE'RE JUST ROCKIN' TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN YEAH! OH OH OH! TOTALLY CRAZY-," Opal screamed. Everyone hated it. It sounded like a cat getting rolled over by an eighteen wheeler.
"That was beautiful," Simon said, telling the truth. HIS truth anyway.
"I HATED IT!" Paula said, pulling out her hair.
"You're just rockin' to destroy my brain cells!" Randy said.
"HE'S ALIVE!" Artemis got up from the floor. "HE WAS DEAD IN SOME OTHER FAN FIC!"
"Next is Holly Short," Lawrence said.
"YOU MAKE ME FEEL! YOU MAKE ME FEEL! YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A NATURAL WOMAN!"
"I . . . can't . . . . TAKE IT ANYMORE!" The Patron yelled. "WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE WRITE GOOD STORIES?!?!?! WHY IS SPECTRA16'S BRAIN SO FREAKING SMALL?!?!"
"Cuz I was born that way?" Spectra16 guessed.
"WHY, WHY, WHY?!?!?!?! INSANE ASYLUM IS WHERE SPECTRA16 BELONGS! AAAAAAAAAAAH! I HATE HER STORIES! I HATE ALL THE RANDOM STORIES!" Runs all over the place. The agent dudes take her out to get some fresh air.
"I guess the auditions are over, right?" Artemis asked.
"Yup. But look at the bright side-," Lawrence began.
"BRIGHT SIDE?!?!? BRIGHT SIDE!!?!?!?!?!?! WHO CARES ABOUT THE BRIGHT SIDE????????? LOOK AT ALL THE ARTEMIS FOWL SHOW FANS THAT ARE GOING TO HELP EGG BRITNEY!!!!!!!!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!"
Then, Britney came out from the set, tied to a chair. The Audience had previously been given eggs. The people on the set also had eggs. Then everyone egged Britney. And there was much rejoicing. :)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Spectra16's Guide To People She So Advertently Uses
Artemis Fowl Show~ A show that was created by Spectra16 when she forgot to sleep for three days. A talk show, kinda.
Spectra16~ A fan fic writer. Loves to be humble. Doesn't like hypocrites. In fact, she hates them. Is obsessed with Artemis Fowl. Also possessed by him. Works for the CSIS but has a double life as a 'Spec'.
Disclaimer~ Cool dude. Used to be used for telling people that the author of the story doesn't own something. Spectra16 changed that. Now he's a thug going to thug mansion. Likes slang.
A/N~ A.K.A. Author's Note. Sensible. Tries to bring Disclaimer back to sanity. She's ditzy sometimes. Likes ice cream.
Artemis Fowl The Second~ Kidnaped Holly. Saved father from Mafia. Created C Cube. To me, he's known as victim, lunatic, genius, smart kid, and someone who is probably trying to take over the world. My view of him is very unique.
Kitty Rainbow~ Fan Fic writer. One of the best. Owe my life to her. Stole the 3rd book code from her. Blue Yeti threatens to steal my life from me. Is in an e-mail group of mine. WE'RE GROUPIES!
Artemis Fowl Senior~ Father of Artemis'.
Janey the Homicidal Maniac~ Also in the same e-mail group. Crazy. I've been compared to her. Another great fan fic writer.
Opal Koboi~ Freak. Needs serious mental help.
Julius Root~ Always ticked off. DJ plays Barbie song around him a lot.
DJ~Plays music for my fics. Awesome cool dude. Better than Disclaimer.
Mari~ Fan fic writer. Another one of the "Greats". (I do have a list of them. I am not on it.) Obsessed with finding the country of Kamoozy. A.K.A. surrealallstar.
Chrysgurl~ A fan fic writer that writes other stories than just humor. Has a really funny story called "Fear the Dragon". Does so with the title. Also a great fan fic author. Patron can disagree if she wants to. I am untitled to my own opinion.
The Patron of Anonymity~ Fan fic reviewer. Doesn't post her stories, in fear that someone will diss her stories like she does. Has an identity disorder. Has her own web site that directs people on how they "should" write. Yes, I have been there on a brief visit. Very brief; A run though of 30 seconds. Talks a lot like Artemis. Hates random, humor fics. Thinks I'm immature (who wouldn't?). Be careful, she can be everywhere. Even in that e- mail group I was talking about. The Patron is a F.O.T.W. That doesn't stand for anything bad, Patron. Hackers know that saying. Just something I had to tell all my fellow hackers out there. Not that I hack, of course. If you read my biography, you'll see that I detest them very, very much.
BFW~ Another fan fic reviewer that rips on people. Haven't gotten any reviews from them. At least I don't recall any. I have no idea what BFW stands for.
Jason Carter~ Perhaps going to play Artemis. Rumors suck!
Aaron Carter~ Freak.
Nick Carter~ Brother of Aaron. Drunk.
Audience~ Has control over everything. Trust me.
Winona Ryder~ Is starring in a recent movie that will be a sequel; Crouching Tiger, Missing Items.
Vin Diesel~ Actor from xXx. Might be Butler. *cringes* Ew.
Burly, big secret agent dudes~ I dunno. I needed someone strong enough to pull Vin out of there.
Simon Cowell~ My idol. Really should be Artemis Fowl Senior. American Idol judge. ATTITUDE!
Evil Alex~ A friend of mine from school. Also in that e-mail group. GROUPIES!
Butler~ Artemis' ah . . . . butler.
Holly Short~ Fairy person. Kidnaped by Arty. Never liked her much. I don't normally use her in my stories. If I do, it's usually a small part.
Pex~ Jon Spiro's gorilla. Got into gangs by cracking a walnut. If you ask me, this world is going to you-know-where.
Regis Philbin~ Former host of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" Now, my victim.
Hector~ A.K.A. Zero. From "Holes". Mari added him. He thinks my butt is big. I do too.
Hayabusa~ Assassin ninja dude. Trying to kill Arty.
Juliet~ Butler's sister.
Lawrence~ Director that hasn't gone insane. My favorite made-up heart throb.
Paula~Judge from American Idol. Softy.
Randy~Fat dude from American Idol Judge.
Chix~Annoying pixie dude.
Britney~Annoying pop star that I love to egg.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Glossary (I dare you to try to look more than two things up. Bring it on!)
ABC- (see "Reality TV shows")
American Idol- (see "Reality TV shows")
A/N- (see Author's Note)
Anorexic- Not fat.
Artemis Fowl Show- (see "Reality TV shows")
Audience- (see "control the world")
Author's Note- (see "Side people")
Barbie Song- Too much for Root to stand.
BFW- (see "crazed fan fic writers")
Bright Side- (see "unparanoia")
Britney- (see "screeching pop stars")
Butler- (see "crazed characters")
Carter- (see "screeching pop stars")
Cheese Sandwich- (see "unparanoia")
Chicago Gang- (see "control the world")
Chrysgurl- (see "crazed fan fic writers")
Control the world- (see "definite world peril")
Cowell, Simon- (see "control the world")
Crazed characters- (see "control the world")
Crazed fan fic writers- (see "control the world")
Definite world peril- Something of what this definition is.
Dextrum- (see "medication")
DJ- (see "disk jockey")
Diesel, Vin- (see "paranoia")
Disclaimer- (see "side people")
Disk Jockey- (see "DJ")
Elimination- (see "execution")
Evil- (see "control th world")
Evil Alex- (see "crazed fan fic reviewers")
Execution- (see "The Mole")
Fan Fic (fan fic)- Words.
Fear the Dragon- Well?
Factious characters- (see "definite world peril")
Factious worlds- (see "definite world peril")
Foaly- (see "techies")
Fowl- (see "control the world")
Granulated Cylinder- Something that measures.
Hayabusa- (see "evil")
Hector- (see "slave")
HOW TO CRACK A WALNUT IN ORDER TO JOIN A CHICAGO GANG, JUST IN CASE YOU NEED TO?- Book.
Insane Asylum- (see "Granulated cylinder")
Insanity- Something that Winona Ryder has.
Janey the Homicidal Maniac- (see "crazed fan fic writers")
Kamoozy- (see "factious worlds")
Kitty Rainbow- ( see "crazed fan fic writers")
KK- my psychiatrist.
Lawrence- (see "Spectra16's Guide To People She So Advertently Uses")
Mari- (see "crazed fan fic writers")
NBC- Program.
Patron of Anonymity- ( see "crazed fan fic reviewers")
Paula- (see "anorexic")
Prime Time- (see " Rather, Dan")
Sanity- (see "The Patron of Anonymity")
Selkie- (see "factious worlds")
Something I will burn down- Well, I will!
Thug Mansion- ( see "something I will burn down")
Randy- (see "funk")
Rather, Dan- (see "sanity")
Reality TV Shows- (see "definite world peril")
Ryder, Winona- (see "insanity")
Wizard of Oz- ( see "factious worlds")
Zero- (see "factious characters")
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A/N: I didn't make any mistakes. Everything was intensional. So don't pick on me!