Disclaimer: NigHtEyeZ does not own Saiyuki.
AN: Gods! I can't believe this! This chapter totally sucks… I'm so sorry if you're disappointed. But I promise you that it's going to get better in the later chappie!
**Insatiable Eighteen**
Chapter five
"I'm so glad. That means I still stand a chance, don't I?"
He couldn't answer her. He felt as if something was stuck in his throat. No, something else was preventing him to answer her. A flash of image struck him but it quickly disappeared. He swallowed his saliva. Why was I thinking of Sanzo?
"Goku-san? Goku-san??" Rin waved a hand in front of Goku's golden orbs, trying to get his attention. And his attention she did get. Rin shifted back to her earlier position and smiled. "You haven't given me an answer yet."
Sanzo stood motionless outside the room, his hands tightened into fists, straining himself for doing something un-Sanzo-like. Barging into the room and snatching Goku away happens to be one of them. Don't answer her. I don't want you to answer her. Most likely, Sanzo did not want to hear the answer himself.
"Eh?" What was he hesitating? Wasn't Rin supposed to be his dream girl? Isn't this what he wanted? "I-I'm not sure." Goku finally said, deciding that this would be his answer.
Not sure?! What do you mean you're not sure, baka saru?!!! Even so, Sanzo heaved a light sigh, the intense stress slowing leaving his head. Goku did not say the answer that he dreaded. Sanzo frowned again as he heard the girl calling Goku again.
"Ne, Goku-san." As expected, Rin's pretty face saddened. "Don't you think I stand a chance with Sensei?"
There was a three second pause of heartbeat from both Sanzo and Goku. It was Goku who snapped out of the trance first. "Sanzo?!" Goku yelled a little too loud. "You mean you're interested in Sanzo??!" He can't believe he had misunderstood everything so deeply. Rin liked Sanzo. Not him.
She blinked and looked at the boy curiously. "Why, yes Goku-san. What do you think I was here for? If it is all right, I would like you to tell me more about Sanzo Sensei." She was too busy blushing to see Goku's pained expression.
All at once, the familiar pained feeling landed on him. The emotion so over-whelming that Goku couldn't control it. It has happen again. He got up to his feet, clutching the front of his shirt as if he had a heart attack. Goku headed for the door. His 'heart attack' doubled as he saw Sanzo outside his room. He staggered down the stairs in a hurry to get out of the house.
There wasn't even time for Sanzo to hold Goku back. He looked at Rin. "You, stay here until I get Goku back." With that, Sanzo rushed after Goku, stopping only to grab his coat.
~*~
"So here is where the timid saru hides." There was visible sarcasm as Sanzo walked towards the boy sitting on the bench. "Don't ever make me search for you like that again."
The boy lifted his face. He was slightly surprised. The weather was almost freezing cold, how did Sanzo manage to sweat so much? Sanzo shrugged his coat off, wrapping it around Goku's body. He sat down beside the boy. "Goku?"
It was ironic to see a bitter smile on such a beautiful young face. It was also very pathetic. "They are all the same." Goku snuggled Sanzo's coat to himself, taking in the lingered body heat of his big brother. "My parents, Rin, they are all the same."
That was the expression Goku had shown Sanzo when he walked out of his bedroom. The angered, pained and betrayed expression that Sanzo had never seen on this over active boy before. "They don't love me."
Seeing Goku cry might have been better then seeing him hold his tears back. "Do you know I was fated to never be loved?" Sanzo shook his head, waiting for Goku to continue. "Some dumb fortune teller told me so."
"And he must be right." An arm was draped behind Goku's shivering body. The boy willingly allowed Sanzo's warm embrace to envelop him. He tilted his head to meet with a pair of violet eyes gazing at him. "He said I will remain alone for eternity. That only an idiot would love me as I am."
That was all Sanzo needed to hear. A snowflake came floating down from the sky. Goku moved away from the source of warmth. Smiling, he pointed a finger at the snowflake. "No wonder it's so cold." He turned back to Sanzo, unprepared for the sudden kiss.
Sanzo's lips were warm and soft against his. It was undeniably sweet too. Goku's widen eyes slowly closed, his hands grasping the thin fabric of Sanzo's shirt. Is this a dream too?
No, it was way too real to be a dream. Goku could feel one of Sanzo's hand feeling it's way up his back beneath the thick coat. The other pale hand cupped Goku's cheek firmly, telling the boy there's no way for him to escape.
Giving his last tender suck on Goku's lips, Sanzo broke the mind-bombing kiss. He breathed heavily with his lips still inches away from Goku's bruised lips.
The boy slit his eyes open, he was still confused between reality and dream. He pouted his lips as if begging for more but Sanzo controlled himself well. If there was anything to be said about the way Sanzo had looked at Goku right then, it would be anything but brotherly love.
"The dumb fortune teller's wrong…" Sanzo carefully choose his word as he hugged Goku tight.
"Firstly, there's no such thing as eternity." Because this was going to be his first ever confession.
"Secondly, I'm not an idiot who loves you as you are."
~*~
Sanzo… loves me?! Somehow, it was funny how Goku's brain reacted so quickly at certain circumstances. In an instance, he knew what he should do.
Goku used all his strength to push Sanzo away.
The man could have fallen off the bench if he hadn't released his arms on Goku to balance himself. The boy stood up and took a few steps backwards but still facing Sanzo. "What are you saying? I can understand it if you loved me as a baby brother. But that kiss… You shouldn't have done that." He said with a slightly disgusted tone.
To add the effects, Goku rubbed his lips using the back of his hand. "Don't mess around with my feelings, I'll hate you for that. Besides, it's impossible."
Although Sanzo wanted to grab the boy and kiss Goku senseless, he didn't do so. Instead he frowned and asked. "What do you mean?"
"You're my big brother. And I'm your baby brother." Goku muttered solemnly, his face was bright red. The wonderful sensation of Sanzo's lips was clearly enjoyed by him. But he would never admit that. Not to Sanzo.
"We are not blood related." Sanzo answered coolly. He picked up the coat that had just slipped off Goku's body and fell onto the ground.
He was right. So? "B-but…" Goku's eyebrows knotted as he tried to find another excuse. "But we are both guys." He finally spat out the most obvious fact. Never in his life Goku had dreamed of being attracted to the same sex.
Eyeing the boy lazily, Sanzo got up from the bench too. Inside, he was hurting deeply at every rejection Goku made, but he hides it effortlessly. He is a man of no emotion, remember?
He truly regretted confessing. He should have known better to keep his mouth shut and away from Goku's sweet lips. But what's said is said, he can't take it back anymore. "And your point is?"
A tiny part, hidden somewhere in his mind confirmed that he felt something special for this blond-haired man. But giving Sanzo a chance means taking a risk of being hurt again. Didn't they always say 'the more you cared about something, the more pain you will feel when it's gone'? In order to protect himself, Goku could only keep saying things he didn't want to say. "My point is, this isn't right."
Sanzo grabbed his arms, brutally tugging the boy forward, their bodies clashed. He patiently explained to the boy. "There's no such thing as right or wrong when you're in love."
He whispered into Goku's ear, silently wishing to hear no more objections. Everything has a first time. And this was the first time Sanzo wanted someone to love him back.
For a brief second, Goku did not struggle. In fact, he hugged the elder man, closing his golden orbs and throwing away all worries. He was tempted to ask if he could stay like this forever. Stay in Sanzo's embrace and most importantly, feel loved.
He knew he couldn't.
"I'm sorry."
Sanzo felt a part of him missing as Goku pushed him away again.
"I don't believe in love anymore." It was easy to tell that Goku was not lying.
Snow came down more heavily. And there within the pure white snow, two hearts were torn apart.
Sanzo saw the tears brimming in the boy's eyes, but a smile was still forced out. How could he? How could he smile so genuinely when all he wanted to do was cry?
He himself had already forgotten the meaning of a smile, his face was masked with the usual iciness. There was nothing left for him to do or say but to watch Goku leave.
Without turning back, Goku walked away from the chance of being loved. "I don't believe in love anymore." Goku repeated, mainly to himself.
My point is, this isn't right. The corner of Sanzo's lips curved into a smirk although he pain in his chest was crushing him. His violet eyes never leaving Goku's lone figure, he knows he has two options. Let go or… make him stay. It didn't take long for Sanzo to make a decision.
As Goku's shadow disappeared at the corner, Sanzo sat back on the bench. He clasped both shaking hands together and took a deep breath in. He was angry of himself for making such a coward choice. He was pained because of the rejection. Ironically, from his first love too.
Burying his face with his two hands, Sanzo gritted his teeth. Maybe letting go was the right decision after all. His little confession to Goku was a mistake.
He had misunderstood the affectionate feeling he felt for Goku. Yeah, how could he, the great Sanzo-sama fall for a kid?? His baby brother to be exact?!
You can stop comforting yourself now, we know you're pathetic. A voice in Sanzo's head spoke.
"I need a smoke." You don't have one. "Fuck."
~*~
Sanzo didn't know how long he had been sitting on the bench, freezing himself to death. And to think the forgotten thick warm coat lay inches away from his hand. He was too stressed to remember something so unimportant as putting on his coat.
All he knows that it was late and Goku should be sleeping by now. It was then that he was willing to walk back home. He had an extra key with him, so it was not a problem to enter his house. Throwing the snow-dusted coat on the couch, Sanzo flicked the lights on. A piece of paper caught his attention.
He picked up the note that was placed on the coffee table. 'I'm spending the night in Hakkai's place.' A simple note left by his baby brother. Sanzo crumpled the note in one hand and toss it aside. First he rejects me, and then he doesn't want to stay in the same house with me, what's next? The telephone ringed. He answered it after the third ring.
"What do you want?" Sanzo spoke in an annoyed tone. He could guess who was the person on the other line. "Mind your own business, I know the way of answering my phone." Who else would dare to call him after midnight? "What do you mean 'can Goku stay at your place for the time being?' Where is he? I'm coming over."
A long pause invaded the living room. "Hakkai, why are you asking me what's wrong with Goku? Didn't he tell you anything?" Sanzo pressed two fingers on his temple, rubbing it slightly. That baka saru sure can cause unwanted troubles for Sanzo even when he's not around. "I understand. Take care of him for me." He replaced the receiver.
All was quiet. The house felt so dead and empty that Sanzo wanted to get out of it. But instead of running away, he walked into the kitchen. In a minute or two, he was back in the living room with a box of canned beers. Settling himself on the couch, Sanzo now knew why people were stupid enough to drown themselves with beer.
End of Chapter Five
AN: It's not so sad right? Damn it! I hope there's not much confusion up there. @_@ Nothing good to say about this chapter but hey, I DID somehow get it out… *Hooray!!* Please believe that this crappy AU fic would turn out more 'readable' after a few more chapters… ^_^;; I know half of you were asleep. *Stop drooling on the keyboard, my friend*
Thank you notes:
sun: Of course it's not going to end up as a Goku x Rin! *Looks up* oh… you've already know that. ^_^ Thanks for being such a damn good supporter on this fic! Thank you! Thank you! I can't think of anyway to describe my gratitude towards you!! ^_^;;
real-circus: Poor, lonely, neglected Sanzo? *Laughs like a maniac* That's so… unimaginable! Kawaii!!!! Anyway, thank you for reviewing again!! Wow, if I'm not mistaken, you have reviewed every chapter! Ne, sank you so much!!! I hope to write better in the next chappies and I hope you'll like them too!
Kenren19: You know… you somehow made me think of a picture of Tenpu every time I saw your nick… Wonder why? *Grins evilly* Okay, enough of the limy thoughts now. *Ahem* Thank you for reviewing the fic! And you love my fic? O_o Oh my god!! *Hugz* That's so darn nice of you!!
nihilist: *Smiles* Okay, I won't stop at a cliffhanger again. *Hides crossed fingers behind back* And oh, arigato for the review!
gallatica: So sorry about the messed up words. I think it ain't ff.net's fault but mine. Cause I used another person's PC to upload chapter four. And the PC was Chinese version… -_-;; I've corrected it though and I think it's all right already. (Or is it?) Don't worry, Rin just appeared in one chapter! And she's interested in Sanzo, not Goku. Weird?
CTFA-sama: Hahaha!! That was hilarious! I had an image of Goku wearing a teddy bear disguise! I bet Vince-sama is as Kawaii as Goku!! *Hugz* Sank you for letting me huggle the strange-demented-poor-excuse-of-a-yaoi-lover-perverted-kappa. (Damn it, that is so darn funny!!!) Oh thank you so much for your interesting review! It always manages to make me fall off my chair! ^__^
chris: Heh, Sanzo is in love with Goku. But Goku just happens to not be in love with him! I always wonder how it will turn out when things go the other way round. You know, in most fic Goku is always the one falling in love and Sanzo pushing him away. I think the fic 'This Time' is a one-shot. I would like to do another chapter though. Cause Gojyo didn't appear at all! (Or did he? *Grins*) Lastly, thank you for giving me your review!
Windy Hurrice: Wow, it actually make some sense… I guess not every chapter needed a plot, ne? ^__^ Thank you for believing in me again! I feel very confident about it. But I really think this chapter needs more help… -_-;; Hope you think it's all right too! I really do!
tsunogirl: O_o You'll love me if I updated? Awwww!! I love you too! *Hugzz* Thank you very much for loving my fic (and me and Sanzo and Goku and Hakkai and Gojyo). _;; Please tell me of what you think of this chapter too. I apologize if there's no Sanzo x Goku lime in this chapter. But we'll see that again soon!
On3: Honto ni? Is it really getting more interesting? But… the plot dies here in chapter five. *Ouch* Do you like Goku's answer anyway? I think I prefer seeing Goku get jealous! ^_^ Sank you for reviewing!
Taka and Keichirou: Isn't there a fic from 'Nataku Taishi' of 'Taka and Keichirou'? Oh my god!!! I love that fic sooo much!! It's really darn good! (But I guess all of his/her fic is amazingly good, ne?) *Jumps around crazily* Okay, let's not get too excited. Thanks for adding me into your fav. author list by the way! *Hugzz*
Erfaciel: Put that machine gun away!!! *Gulps* Sanzo WILL eventually get it on with Goku. It IS a Sanzo x Goku fic after all ne! Don't let this chapter fool you! Is Hakkai really that wild? *Blinks innocently* Demo… I prefer him to be like that… gives a 'naughty' feeling. (Gojyo, you ain't the one fooling around here anymore!) Thank you for reviewing! It always makes my day reading and replying my reviewers! Especially such a nice one!