Disclaimer: As you most likely guessed I own none of these characters, they are completely JRR Tolkien's creations etc etc this story if not based on actual events in any of his books. That enough? P.s, to anyone who does not know, rafflesia is a very very large flower that smells of rotten meat. Enjoy………..(!)
Aragorn hurtled through the forest, fervently wishing that he had never set eyes on Legolas's new horse as he was scraped off the back AGAIN by it dashing underneath a tree with 'convenient' low branches for the younger Elves to practise climbing. Drunkenly getting up he was bowled over as the horse came back to retrieve him, tripped over a stone (put there of course for the convenience of the younger Elves to help them get up into the tree) and fell head first into a large hole which he could have sworn was NOT there a few seconds ago.
"Hey Aragorn? That you?" came a voice.
"Yes it's, I mean no of course not, what ever gave you that idea….er hem…." he replied, putting on an extra high squeaky voice and trying to hide his crown in the top of his boot.
"Oh. I was hoping that someone else who's supposedly 'respected' would fall in so I wouldn't look so stupid when they come to pull me out of here."
"Elrond?!" Aragorn sniggered, then tried to pretend he was coughing, then sniggered again, then collapsed on the floor laughing.
"You do realise what you're lying on don't you?" replied Elrond miserably. Aragorn leapt up dancing a funny little jig and making interesting wolf-like howling noises. "I HATE ANTS!!" he yelled, still not realising that the best way to get them off was not to continue dancing around on the anthill. Oh well…..
Just then the sound of laughter was heard, and a gang of younger Elves came to inspect the pit, which was made of course for their convenience to learn how to capture wild animals. "Quick!" hissed Elrond, pulling him into a little alcove so they couldn't be seen, "we can't let them find us!"
"Hide and seek! Yay!" shouted Aragorn loudly, standing up before he realised that the alcove was only 3 feet tall and had a rock ceiling. The little Elves peered down in amazement as the King tried to hide himself again. "I love this game!" Resisting the impulse to call Aragorn a juvenile *cough cough* , Elrond strode out into the main area of the pit and announced in a loud commanding voice:
"I'm afraid our friend here is not quite himself and…."
"I told you to lay off the penicillin," giggled Aragorn, emerging also and promptly sitting down on the anthill to recover.
"I came down here to rescue him and I appear to have left my rope at Mirkwood. As that is at least 2000 miles away from here I would be extremely grateful of some assistance, as although I am perfectly capable of climbing out of here myself I do not want to have to leave our poor suffering friend alone here."
"Well that's what happens when you feed me mushrooms. I told you that penicillin was a load of rubbish" muttered Aragorn as he finally realised his crown wouldn't fit any more because of the bump on his head and that his ham sandwiches had been eaten by the ants.
The young Elves however seemed awestruck by Elrond's powerful speech making techniques. They could have just as easily been staring at him wondering how on Middle Earth he managed to get his long hair standing completely up in spikes, but Elrond had many other modern experiments as well as 'penicillin' so it wasn't really that much of a rare sight. 'Electricity' was rumoured to be going very well, until Elrond realised that calling down the lightning might be a little too powerful. Well, everyone was sure that the ancient, priceless architecture would be rebuilt eventually.
Anyway, they immediately set about finding some rope, eventually finding it binding Boromir to a pillar at the top of Caradhras about 5 years later, so for that time they had to make do with some vines. By the time Aragorn and Elrond were both out (some things take longer than first anticipated when people neglect to realise that one Elf-child can't hold the weight of two grown men. Then the next would-be rescuer neglects to realise that they can't hold the weight of two full grown men and his friend, and the third neglects to realise that he can't hold the weight of two full grown men and two of his friends….) it was nearly dark. And at that moment Legolas arrived with a whole reel of rope after searching for the Fellowship throughout the woods for the whole day. It seemed that Aragorn wasn't the only one who wasn't exactly suited to Legolas's new horses…..
Anyhow, eventually they arrived back at (what was left of…) Rivendell, and once the young Elves had gone to bed (in rooms directly above the feast hall, provided for their convenience so they could learn to appreciate late-night adult conversation. Most often 'maybe I should have had the fruit juice after all….' but educational nevertheless) Elrond made another stirring speech on how he had rescued Aragorn from a terrible chasm……..all by himself. " My Daddy's not afraid of anything!" piped up Arwen enthusiastically. She was, it must be noted looking for an allowance increase at the time. Looking slyly at Elrond's proud expression and the assortment of stuffed fruit at the buffet (Gimli and Sam had been having a 'let's see how quickly we can eat everything nice' competition) Frodo decided that state banquets were altogether too boring, and had a sneaky chat about Elrond's habits with his two sons in the corner……. "Elrond…?" he asked innocently, putting on his best suffering little hero expression "why's there a huge spider in your hair?" No-one noticed him sniggering. An obviously terrified Elrond looking as though he was trying to drown himself in the wine vat was much more interesting. When he eventually emerged, with his hair now an extremely diverting purple but at least spider-less (as it had been for the whole evening I might hasten to add…) Frodo piped up again. "Aren't you supposed to be a teetotal Elrond?" Looking at the Elf Lord's expression Frodo decided that he had some very pressing engagements to attend too. Well, he did now anyway.
Meanwhile Merry and Pippin were still trying to find their rooms. After finally working out that there really shouldn't be a dead Balrog in the sleeping quarters, they eventually came to the conclusion that this was not the sleeping quarters. "Merry?" said Pippin.
"Yes Pippin?" said Merry.
"What rhymes with Gimli?"
"Why?"
"I'm trying to write a limerick. 'There once was a Dwarf, name of Gimli, who….?"
"Never spread his butter too thinly?"
"Mli and Nly don't rhyme, stupid" retorted Pippin, not realising the importance of similar sounding letters and vowels that aren't really vowels but are anyway.
"Why don't you made it 'Gimli was a fat ugly Dwarf…'?"
"Okay then," replied Pip, his face going once more into a state of utmost concentration. Such a pity that lamp stands have to appear in the most inconvenient places when people have other things on their minds.
"Don't worry, Pip," said Merry cheerfully, "I'm sure the scar's not permanent y'know." Pippin sniffed and muttered something about reedbeds and evil booming birds. Pip wasn't used to concentrating so hard and the repetitive strain injury on his brain was becoming even worse after the bump on his head. However, the pair continued walking, determined to find either the sleeping quarters, the food, or Gimli and Sam, which were essentially all the same thing. A few moments later Pip seemed his normal self and was back asking questions again.
"Merry?" said Pip,
"Yes Pip?" said Merry.
"What rhymes with Dwarf?"
And as this story is intended for some of a younger audience we must here leave what happened to Pippin, though I can tell you it involved a water demon, a roast chicken and a book of Latin swear words. And I can also tell you that it resulted in both Merry and Pip ending up in the sanatorium (or what was left of the sanatorium after Elrond's 'dangerous abrasive moulds' experiment.)
It so happened that Gimli was now in a dungeon, after being arrested for giving the younger Elves (at their convenience of course) a very graphic demonstration with Sam about war, involving a 'volunteer' orc and a meat cleaver. Being that he had already devoured the entire banquet except the stuffed fruit (and only leaving that because he was allergic to GM oranges. They had the same effect on him as penicillin had on Aragorn – and various other of Elrond's creations had on everyone else. This was the 'dangerously hyperactive effect' or DHE as it had come to be known, and it was a very serious condition indeed (*there is a joke there but I don't expect anyone to get it so please ignore that sentence and don't worry if you don't. I have a weeeird sense of humour….*)
Anyway, due to this fact it was generally believed that Gimli was lying when he said it was only to carve the lamb, as he'd finished all the lamb at least 4 hours ago. He was sentenced to stay in the dungeon for one night three hours and seven minutes and was forbidden from touching any meat cleavers during that time. Sam, however was exempted from this punishment on the 'medical grounds' that dungeon air was bad for his lungs. (Possibly it had the DHE on him after Elrond invented 'dry rafflesia petals hanging in a basket' air freshener, but it was more likely that he had simply been trying to eat the same amount as Gimli in their little competition.) He was taken to the sanatorium where he had a very lively game of charades with Merry and Pippin, though unfortunately got slightly stumped when asked to act out 'The day the orc stole my motorbike' as no-one except Elrond (and even then only very rarely) had any idea which of Elrond's inventions was which.
This had led to many other problems over the ages, especially between the words 'Catherine wheel' and 'orange peel'. The tinder-box industry had had a huge boom after people wore out all their firelighting equipment trying to light the oranges (genetically modified with extra-waxy skins for preventing fires, as a convenience to the younger Elves of course,) and the new 'firework' industry became non-existent when people tried using Catherine wheels to decorate their party cakes and then lit the candles…..
And as for Gandalf, he was down in another part of the dungeons having a lively and animated conversation with the imprisoned Saruman.
"Hello there old boy! I'm Gandalf the White now, isn't that just jolly spiffing!"
"Oh ja old boy! Ripping! I'd had that White title for too bally long wotwot?"
"Absoluuutely old chap. Chocks away and time for a new start at the old Sallying eh wot?"
"Tremeeeendous lark that."
"Ja! Suuuper!"
And so it went on.
And as for Boromir tied to a pillar on top of Caradhras? Well I'm sure he enjoyed his winter…..erm…..holiday….