Of Aragorn and the difficulties of getting revenge.
"What do you think you're doing with my HEIRLOOM?!!!" yelled Aragorn furiously as Merry and Pippin edged slowly away from the tree, which was creaking ominously and had developed a pronounced starboard lean…
"Heirloom? They told us it was a slingshot. I was catching…." Merry looked up into the sky, "I was catching cloud….falcons," he finished.
"Falcons??" asked Aragorn incredulously, looking at what seemed to be an undisturbed flock of sparrows flying in full view directly in front of the 'falcon nest.'
"Yes. Falcons. And Eagles," replied Merry stubbornly, folding his arms.
"And clouds," added Pippin. Aragorn narrowed his eyes, trying to look as menacing as one possibly can when one is hanging upside down from a branch off a corset strap. He tried to scratch his stubble in a thoughtful gesture, but as his hands were both strapped to the branch the effect was more like a frilled lizard having a neck-stretching competition.
"A slingshot, eh?" he said at last. "Do you always believe everything you're told?"
"You do," pointed out Pippin.
"But that wasn't what I asked!" cackled the Ranger triumphantly. "I finally got the better of you, hahahaha!" His chest shook up and down with mirth, which vibrated the branch. The branch shook and vibrated the larger branch it was attched too.
"The foot bone's connected to the…….small branch bone, the branch bone's connected to the….large branch bone, the branch bone's connected to the……trunk bone, the trunk bone's connected to the….ground bone" sang Merry and the starboard list became more of a listING motion and then more of an 'on the ground with the roots in the air' position.
"Mmmfff! Mmmfff!" gasped Aragorn.
"It's called 'the shrewd avoidance of the awkward question', get used to it," snapped Pip, hands on hips.
"Mmmff," answered Aragorn dejectedly.
* * *
Meanwhile, a few miles away in Rivendell things were a lot more normal. Order had (almost) been restored to the sanatorium as Elrond's 'cold vaccine' – although its only action being to cause the cold victims to contract tonsilitis and glandular fever in addition to their cold – was discovered to be deadly to the dangerous abrasive mould. No-one could actually work in the sanatorium unless they were immune to glandular fever and tonsilitis (in which case they would have mumps which was the side effect of the tonsilitis vaccine) BUT the room itself was a tremendous improvement. Right now there was the usual queue of patients, this time needing a dentist. Elrond hadn't quite worked out the difference between 'dental floss' and 'candy floss.'
Merry and Pippin crept round the back of the wall and hopped over a large stile (conveniently placed to allow freedom of movement for the younger members of the Elven community.)
"Did he get it?" whispered a small Elf named Pointy-Eared Darling (Ped for short). Merry and Pippin looked at each other.
"Well, yeeessssss….." Merry coughed.
"And did he give you a reward for us?" Merry opened his mouth to speak but Pip got in first.
"Well, noooooo."
"Darn," said Ped, with a very un-darling like gesture in what he thought was the direction of Gondor (it was actually Moria but he would have been equally happy to direct it there after Sam and Gimli beat him at the 'ale-swiggin' meat-eatin' arm wrestlin' orc killin' uruk-hai killin' balrog killin' nazgul killin' evil wizard killin' annoying business partners killin' mama's big gardenin' competition.')
* * *
Meanwhile, Aragorn had much more dangerous retribution in mind for the little thieves who'd stolen his heirloom. After replacing it carefully in his grandmother's purple sparkly jewellery box he'd donned his most expensive camouflage cloak (turquoise), a hardy helmet (yellow saucepan) a pair of trusty trail-boots and gone looking for them. He hadn't gone far when he ran into Sam, dejctedly pruning a selection of menacing looking plants. Aragorn's eyes widened.
"You've certainly changed your style!"
Sam beamed and blushed, fingering the Mickey-Mouse (the 'tullo-vizzin' had exploded but Elrond's 'annie-mayters' were still popular) t-shirt that hung baggily down to his knees and trailed in the dirt.
"I know it's meant to be a kid's pro-grammmm but I'm glad you like it!" he grinned. Aragorn stared at the hobbit blankly. Sam stared back. Aragorn looked at the t-shirt.
"I was talking about your plants."
"Oh," replied Sam. "Gimli insisted. Otherwise he said he wouldn't enter the competition with me," he sniffed.
"What competition?"
"The ale-killin' meat-wrestlin'..err…wizard swiggin'…killin', killin'….um…."
* * *
"Perhaps we should get out of here," hissed Frodo to Gollum as they spied from behind a bush. Edging away into a meadow Gollum burst into a screaming rage.
"No preciousssss! You're sssssaying in all wrong!! SSS!!!"
"Sssssaying what, masssssster?" whisssspered Frodo.
"You ssshould have sssssaid 'perhapSSSS we SSShould get out of here' you SSSilly," huffed Gollum, "Lissssten to the ssssusssssurasssssionssssss. I love that word," he cackled evilly.
"Lisssssten to the WHATsssss?"
"Sussurations you idiot! Must I sssstop my ssssssibilantssssss every time I talk to you, preciousssss?!"
* * *
Anyhow, having finally managed to get the end of Sam's t-shirt caught in the Venus fly trap and the aptly named 'hmm..I think my latest invention may be slightly acidi….yowww!!!' plant at the same time, Aragorn managed to creep away and continue on his mission, only to be waylaid by Gandalf and Saruman only a few steps later, who were arguing heatedly with Legolas and Arwen.
"We told you Saruman was locked up for a reason," sighed the Elves dejectedly as giant avalnches fell randomly from the sky.
"Well I say!" said Gandalf irritably, "it would've been awfully bad form just to leave him there, wot?" He twitched his moustaches and was on the verge of shaking his head when
"DON'T SHAKE YOUR HEAD!"
"Why ever not? Absoballylutely aaaaawful manners these days, youngsters. Indeed! Wotwotwot!" Whereupon he shook his head, causing the largest avalanche yet to fall from the brim of his hat and get caught in his large, bushy eyebrows.
"Younster indeed," fumed Legolas, "it's my 2500th birthday next week."
"Well I'm older than you," muttered Arwen, darkly.
"Are not."
"Am too."
"Are not."
"Am……ow! What'd you do that for?"
"What'd I do what for?"
"THAT!"
"WHAT?!"
Aragorn sniggered and put on an Arwen-like voice.
"Oh you horrible, horrible Elf, you're not worthy to be a Prince!"
"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!!!!!"
And here again I am afraid I must censor some events for the benefit of our younger readers. You never know what Elrond's invented for their convenience and I'm sure computer hacking would have been considered very beneficial for 'sneaky studies.'
Well, there it is and I think I've gone to the point of no return when it comes to forced humour.
But please read and review….pleeeeease?