Chapter 4 – Truth and Consequences

It was late when Spike pulled up to the motel, cutting the lights again as he pulled into a space outside the room they were staying in. Buffy's head was on his shoulder and he knew she was drifting between sleep and wakefulness.

"Buffy, we're here, wake up," he whispered as he kissed her gently on the top of her head.

She stirred and stretched beside him as she looked to see where they were.

"Uh-oh, Dawn's at the window and here comes…"

Her mother. The door swung open and Mrs. Summers came rushing out followed by the youngest of the Summers women. Sighing he stepped out of the car and held it open for Buffy to slide out. Her hand touched his arm as she walked around him, settled on his wrist and pulled him with her.

"Bullocks," he muttered as he shut the door.

"Where the hell have you been?" Joyce shouted.

"Mom, please, don't scream out here. You'll wake everyone up."

With Buffy leading, they followed her into the room. Spike looked around at the two double beds and the small kitchenette in the corner. Their things scattered around giving the place an almost homey appearance. And even amongst their combined things, he could smell her. The way the girl smelled, had always smelled, beneath her expensive toiletries and he knew no matter what she thought at the moment, she was still the same Buffy.

The door closed behind Dawn and they faced off. Joyce with Dawn, her arms crossed, at her mother's elbow and Spike stared the young teen down. He won as the littlest one looked away and then with a smirk he turned his gaze to her mother and quickly took a step back. If looks could kill was definitely the phrase to use as she stared at him with murderous intent.

"Where have you been?"

"We were out and lost track of time. That's all." Buffy defended them and deliberately stepped in front of him.

"And what were you doing to lose track of time?"

"Oh, God, Mom, we weren't doing anything."

He looked anywhere but at Buffy and her mom standing toe to toe, hoping that his face wouldn't give away his guilt as he remembered exactly what they had been doing out there in the woods. And even that small memory made him need to adjust his jeans.

"If you weren't doing anything, then why do you have that huge hickey on your neck?" Dawn gleefully said and pointed to her sister's neck.

"Shit," Buffy muttered as she looked in the mirror and pulled her hair back to reveal the large bruising he had marked her with. "I thought I told you no hickeys."

He had taken her back to her car, patched up the radiator hose enough for her to get home and then followed to make sure she got there okay. After she pulled into the driveway she had made her way over to him, leaning against the door and smiling in at him. He had breathed in that scent that would forever make him think of sex and returned the smile.

"So, can I call you?"

Not once did he think she would say yes. She had indulged in a fantasy and a little revenge and he would be forgotten.

"Got paper and a pen."

When he handed her the requested items, she scribbled her number down and handed it back to him.

"I'm going to cheerleading camp for four weeks and I'm leaving day after tomorrow, so…"

"You're going to be gone awhile and can't call you until the end of August, right?"

"Yeah, unfortunately." She said and for a moment toyed with the lock before looking back up at him. "I didn't know this was going to happen and I didn't plan it but I want you to know I don't regret it. And I want you to call me. I'll be back the twenty-fifth."

He nodded, "Right then, I'll give you a call when you get back."

The sarcasm in his voice turned her face to a pout as she backed away but he snatched her hand to keep her from leaving.

"I'm sorry. You've knocked me for a loop that's all but I don't regret it either and not for the reasons you might think."

She nodded, leaned in and kissed him good-night. His hand held her by her hair to keep her from leaving as they played with each other, stoking the flame, between them before the front door of her house opened and she pulled away.

"I've got to go." And with that she was gone again, leaving him…

…With memories that he still ran through his mind a year later.

"So, are you still going to tell me nothing happened?"

"No, Mom, I'm not but…"

Joyce's fury turned to Spike, "Get out of here and stay the hell away from my daughter."

He backed up, ready to leave but Buffy clutched his hand again.

"No, Mom, he's my friend and I'm not giving him up."

Three faces turned to look at Buffy in astonishment. Countless feelings rushed through Spike as she stood up for him and he knew that his love for her was probably evident to everyone in the room but he didn't care. And if she stood up for him then it was only fair that he return the favor forgetting that only a short while ago, he had risked his future to keep her from getting arrested.

"I care about your daughter, Mrs. Summers. Actually, I love her and wouldn't let anything happen to her."

"Like it happened to your mother," Joyce said.

The words hurt more than he thought possible. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought of his Mum who was pregnant with him by the time she was seventeen by a boy who didn't care enough to stick around. Darla had kept him and raised him, bearing the town's scorn and letting it age her faster than was necessary but he knew she didn't regret it. But Mrs. Summers was wrong because birth control was something that he was always careful about. To ensure that he wouldn't become a father too young and he would never risk that fate with any girl. Especially Buffy.

"No, not like my mother," he almost growled. Knowing that he wouldn't be able to change her opinion he turned on his heel and headed for the door but Buffy was still holding his hand. They had touched more tonight than they had in the last year and he laughed as he looked down at their entwined fingers.

~~~~~~~

Buffy clutched his hand a little tighter to keep him from leaving, at least not until her mother apologized. She was eighteen and had only had sex three times in her life and all with Spike. There was nothing to be ashamed of and if things had only been different they might have been a couple this whole year. She sighed as she thought of lost chances. Their lost chances.

Maybe if she hadn't gone to camp. Maybe if they hadn't had four weeks to let their insecurities fester and if they had said what they had really been feeling that night then they might have found a way to fight through their differences. By the time she returned however, she had torn it apart and put it back together so many times, the thought of ever facing him again frightened her. Not of him but of her feelings and his feelings and the changes in them. She wished she had told her mother that she wasn't going and they could have had four weeks before school started to cement them together so they could face it with certainty. But there was nothing certain and he didn't call when she got back. She had looked his number up in the book but lost her nerve every time she reached for the phone.

Three days after she got back, school started and they didn't have any classes together in the beginning of the year, not even the same lunch period, so she only caught glimpses of him in the halls. She had asked Willow, who helped the librarian out, to look up his schedule for her. And with that she tracked him down. Determined to find out why he hadn't called and to settle things for her before she let go of that last thread.

But it took almost a week before she worked up the nerve and it was a rumor that had angered her enough to finally face him. The rumor that he was dating one of the waitresses at Willy's Bar and Grill. Pride on the line, she had gone to find him during her lunch. He was opening his locker when she pounced, trembling in her indignation, that he had taken her innocence so lightly.

"Thanks a lot. It really fucking hurt that you didn't call and I've needed to talk to you," and to her undying shame she burst into tears in the hallway.

His eyes opened wide as he watched her cry.  He cocked his head in that way that was all his own and his cerulean orbs softened with a tinge of fear lurking.

"You needed to talk to me?"

"Yes, I've needed to talk to you and you didn't call and now I find out you're dating someone. You could have at least been polite enough to tell me," she cried.

"Buffy, are you…?"

It was her turn to be surprised as she realized what she had implied to him. A part of her screamed that it served him right but she knew it wasn't nice to let him think that.

"No, oh, no, I'm not. I'm sorry for giving you that impression. I guess need wasn't the right word." She sniffled.

She watched as relief flooded his face and with fascination she thought she saw a twinge of regret.

"Is he bothering you?" Angel said over her shoulder. "Why are you crying?"

With annoyance she had looked over her shoulder to find Angel and several of his football player buddies trying to act all manly. Even being bulkier next to Spike they looked like little boys.

"No, he isn't and none of your business."

"Come on with us and we'll fix whatever is wrong." Larry said.

"No, like I said I'm fine, I'll catch up with you later."

"I don't like this," Angel declared visually aiming for a fight.

"Go on, Angel, you're the one who hurt her not me," Spike said.

That moved him down the hallway with one last look. But before they could settle anything else Cordelia and Harmony turned down the hallway, eyeing them in fascination.

"Look, you're right, we do need to talk but it's not going to work here so do you want to meet later."

"Yeah, I would."

Buffy closed her eyes as sadness enveloped her at the time they had wasted and now could never be. Now she would give him as much as she could and that included not letting her mother walk all over him. Not after what he had risked tonight.

"Mom, I'm sorry if I scared you by staying out so late but we had to do something."

She opened the bag and pulled out Mr. Lido and tossed him to Dawn, then her diary. Her sister squealed as she caught her favorite possessions.

"Thank you, thank you," Dawn said as she launched herself at Buffy, kissing her on the cheek before turning and hugging Spike. As far as she was concerned Buffy's friend was her new hero and welcome anytime. "Go easy on them." She told her mom before throwing herself on the bed with pen in hand to catch her journal up on everything that had happened in their lives recently.

Spike shook his head with a slight smile on his face as he saw the gratitude that Dawn had displayed. Buffy squeezed his hand and smiled at him when their eyes met.

"You broke into the house?" Joyce asked.

"Yeah, we did."

"Do you have any idea what could have happened to you if you had been caught?"

"Well, actually, Officer Beckham kind of spelled it out for me."

Joyce rolled her eyes at them.

"You were arrested?"

"No, because Spike got me out of it. He knows the cops in this town. Handy, huh?"

Buffy's eyes got bigger as her mother stepped closer to her.

"Do not be smart with me, young lady. What you did was incredibly stupid. Was this his idea?"

"No, it was mine and his name is Spike. I guess I'm just like my Dad, huh? Stupid and a criminal."

Her voice broke over the last words. She tried to blink away the tears and instinctively she turned to Spike, who cradled her against him.

Buffy felt her mother's hand run through her hair before she patted Buffy on the back.

"I'm sorry, Buffy, I was scared. Don't think I could lose you too." She sighed and looked up at Spike. "Thank you for taking care of my little girl."

"No problem. I'll be getting out here. Let you two talk." He slipped away from Buffy but she followed him out the door.

They were at an impasse again as they stared at each other and tried to decide what to do from here. He stepped closer to her, looking down at her for a moment to give her a chance to get away, before pressing his lips to her again. She leaned into him, giving him this one last moment before breaking his heart again.

They had met up at Whistler's Dock knowing that no one would be there and they could talk without being disturbed. She had dressed in clothes that screamed don't touch me; jeans, sneakers and a bulky turtleneck. He chuckled when she had walked down to join him and she hadn't said anything, just sat beside him.

"What did you want to talk about?" He asked.

"Are you dating that waitress?"

"No, she's a friend. Nothing more. Never has been and never will be more."

This time Buffy laughed as he over explained his relationship with the woman. She hung her head and plucked at the hem of her jeans. Confusion as to what do dominated her head and her heart. Both telling her different things and she didn't know what to follow.

"Why didn't you call?"

"Was out of town. My uncle somebody or other died while you were gone and I took my Mum to the funeral."

She nodded as she turned to look at him. There was no lies hidden in his eyes and she wanted to launch herself at him, beg him to hold her forever.

"There weren't any messages from you saying you were back, so I figured you had changed your mind," he added when she returned her attention to her hem.

"I got scared."

"Chickenshit."

They both laughed as it broke some of the tension between them.

"I don't want to give up cheerleading and stuff."

"I didn't ask you to."

"I know…but I wanted you to know."

They remained silent for a minute.

"I guess I wouldn't exactly fit in with the social club you hang out with. And before you protest, I really don't want to hang out with them either."

"Don't really blame you there. They can be pretty oppressive sometimes but they come with the cheerleading and school government package."

"Well, I guess that's that." Spike said as he reached for his pack of cigarettes.

"I don't want to lose you," she said so quietly that he almost didn't hear her.

"We can be friends." He reached out and tugged her hair.

"Liar."

"No, seriously," he laughed. "We just won't tell anyone. Like tonight. Hang out, have fun." It was going to break his heart but he wanted even the crumbs she might toss him.

Buffy looked up at him, her eyes filled with tears, and wished that he would tell her it didn't matter that they would find a way but he didn't. So, she took what he did offer. And they hadn't touched again until almost a year later.

She was drowning in his kiss and she pressed herself against him, rubbing against his erection and wished that they could crawl into the back seat again. Panting they broke apart when they realized that her mother was only on the other side of the door they were practically leaning on. His forehead rested against hers.

"Buffy, you're going to drive me crazy," he whispered. His breath softly covering her lips and she breathed him in.

Her hands kneaded at his waist.

"Spike, don't."

And he froze, pulled away from her, the pain shining in his eyes again.

"Don't what? Care?"

"Care yes, don't love me."

"Too late for that, Pet. What was with all the snuggling and the touching tonight then? Back to using me again?"

This time he pissed her off.

"No, you said your choice. I told you before we did anything that I couldn't be with you. You said you knew and you wanted to anyway. Don't lay the blame on my door. You weren't exactly pulling away."

"Forget it."

Spike turned and headed for his car.

"Spike, I'm sorry. I wish things could be different."

He didn't look at her as he slipped behind the wheel of the Desoto. Finally he sighed and motioned her over. He reached for her hand, pulled her down to him, and kissed her softly on the lips.

"I know."

Buffy nodded and watched as he left her again. And like the first night she had watched him drive away from her, she cried herself to sleep.

TBC