Chapter 7 – Define Me

Running his hand through his hair in frustration, Spike sighed and tossed his pencil down. He had been trying to finish the practice exam for Algebra for the past hour but a pair of green eyes kept dancing between him and the paper. Another week gone and he had nothing more to show for it. Anxiety turned his stomach as he thought of yesterday afternoon when he was leaving school and saw Buffy watching him. He knew she wanted to say something but after her not saying anything all week he had ignored her. Then, when he was leaving school she had been on her way into the parking lot but he had driven off. Pride and anger won over the voice screaming in him to let her speak and now he'd never know if she was looking for him or not.

"You okay, Baby?" His mum asked over her shoulder as she rinsed the breakfast dishes.

"Yeah, bad week."

"I know. It'll be over soon though. And then you'll have your whole life ahead of you."

"I just want her."

Darla turned the faucet off and sat across from him at the table. She squeezed his hand and gave him the patented 'mother cares' look.

"And you need to keep your mind on school work. She'll never come back if you throw away everything she's worked for."

"Her? What about me? I'm the one…" Spike stopped as he realized his mother was grinning. He laughed along with her. "Funny, Mum, real funny. I get the point. Back to work."

Spike picked up his pencil, prepared to return to his studying, when the sound of a car coming up the drive made them both look out the window. A little blue Toyota stopped outside the trailer and he recognized it from the garage he worked. He had told Buffy to see about making a deal with his boss for it. It ran but wasn't anything special and Eddie would give it to them on time payments. He couldn't contain the hope that flooded him at the thought that Buffy had come for him. Maybe she actually did care. But everything was dashed when Joyce Summers stepped out of the car and Spike felt the tears of disappointment sting his eyes.

"What is she doing here?" Darla asked, turning to look at her son.

"I don't know. I'll see."

Spike opened the door to find Joyce with her hand ready to knock.

"Hi, Spike. I was wondering if we could talk."

"Sure," Spike replied, wavering whether to take her inside or lead the way to the picnic table for privacy. The table won as he came down the steps and with his hand on the small of her back he turned Buffy's mother in its direction. They both chose to sit on the top, beside each other, with their feet on the seat. He waited for her to start the conversation since she seemed to be working up to something.

"Thanks for the dinner. It was a really sweet gesture and we appreciated it."

As if she could hear their conversation, Darla chose at that moment to come outside carrying a brown paper bag. She handed it to Joyce with a smile.

"I grow vegetables in the back. And we really have too much. Spike isn't too into salads and vegetables. There are cucumbers, tomatoes and some carrots and green beans in there."

"Thanks, Darla, I appreciate it. The girls will be excited to get veggies again. I was just getting ready to tell your son that they are excited to get anything besides spaghetti and macaroni and cheese these days."

Spike was stunned when the two hugged and his Mum made Joyce promise if she needed anything to give her a call. He waited until Darla had returned to the house to turn to Buffy's mother.

"You're Aunt Barbara and I was in the same class and I remember you're mother from when we were all in school. Darla is a very strong woman."

A smile crossed his face as he realized that Joyce was being sincere. The two women were totally different but it was cool to him that they had a combined history that kind of made them the same in spite of where they ended up in life.

"Yeah, she's a special lady. Means a lot to me."

"There's one time that I remember that made me really respect her."

His eyebrows furrowing together he turned to look at her.

"It was that time when you went to the emergency room when you hurt your back. I was in the cubicle next to yours with Dawn."

It was two weeks after his thirteenth birthday and the blood had been dripping down his back as he shivered in the cold hospital. An ice pack was pressed to his bruised face as he waited for his Mum to get there. The nurse was cleaning him up while his Mum's boyfriend, Mr. Snyder,  watched and kept giving him warning looks that Spike had better stick to the story that he had concocted on the drive to the hospital.

"Spike, what happened?" Darla asked as she came toward him. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, Mum, I'll be okay. I've got to get stitches in my back though."

Her eyes had widened as she looked him over and her hand trembled in his.

"How did this happen? It looks really bad." She asked him again as she stood directly in front of him. From where she was he couldn't see Mr. Snyder.

"It was nothing. I slipped, hit my face on the table and then fell against the window."

He couldn't look at her as he lied and stared somewhere on the floor but she had known in that mother way of hers.

"Spike, tell me the truth. You couldn't hit the table then fall against the window. The table is too low and the window too high."

To his ever undying shame he had started crying. His face and the cut on his back hurt and no one had ever treated him like her boyfriend had and he wanted to tell the truth but he was afraid that she wouldn't believe him.

"Spike, talk to me now."

Her hand had been gentle and firm as it pulled his chin up so he would have to look at her and he gave up and blubbered out the truth.

"He told me to do something and I told him I didn't have to and to fuck off. He hit me and I tried to back away, and he told me that I was a little asshole before he pushed me. And that's when I went through the window."

"Hey, that kid is lying. He's a juvenile delinquent that needs to be locked up." Mr. Snyder said.

Spike had watched in fascination as his Mum had advanced on her boyfriend, her body trembling in anger. He watched as she walked over to Snyder, pulled her hand back and slapped the jerk; even the nurse jumped in surprise before running to get security.

"Nobody touches my kid," Darla screamed. "You son of a bitch. What gave you the idea that you could hurt him and get away with it?"

Mr. Snyder kept backing up the hallway as Darla had continued to read him the riot act and it had taken security to get her to back off.  After he left she burst into tears of guilt for letting the creep anywhere near him.

"I'm sorry, Baby, I didn't know. He's a fucking principal. I thought I was getting in with someone classy and instead, I'm so sorry."

That moment in his life had shown Spike that his mother really did love him and he wasn't just a mistake she had to put up with. He swore that he would never let her down and had started to straighten up his act by helping out more and doing better in school.

"She's a lot stronger than I was. I let my girls down by staying with their Dad even though I knew he was cheating," Joyce said and chuckled. "Not only on the government but on me."

"You did the best you could," Spike reassured her. It was a little uncomfortable for Buffy's Mum to be talking to him like this but he figured there was a reason and eventually she would get around to it. And he almost laughed at her next words. It was like she could read his mind.

"I guess you're wondering why I'm here." Joyce turned to him. Her eyes studied him for a moment before she sighed and looked away again. "Do you love my daughter?"

"Yeah, I do," he said. No matter what Buffy did or what she said, he still loved her and always would. "It took me awhile to realize it but, yeah, I have ever since the night I…"

"Took her virginity?"

Spike turned to her in amazement as he felt a flush creep over his face. This was just a little more than he wanted even to discuss with Buffy much less her mother.

"Yeah, guess you two have been talking?"

"It was kind of hard not to when she's been crying herself to sleep every night. Not that I blame you," she hastily added before continuing. "At first I thought it was just everything and I knew I hadn't seen you around much lately and I finally bugged her until she told me. We talked for a long time and she pretty much told me everything. After she went to sleep, I ended up staying up and thinking. It's time I took control again and quit letting my daughter take everything on her shoulders."

"Is Buffy okay?"

Spike watched as she nodded in response then twisted her wedding band and engagement ring around her finger before slipping them off.

"I'm going to sell them this morning. I slipped them in my pocket when the IRS invaded our home and now I'm glad that I did because it's going to set us up in our new life."

"New life?"

"Yep, I'm going to buy bus tickets to Portland. I talked to my mother this morning and surprisingly she was very nice about it. Didn't even say 'I told you so' once."

As she chuckled again, fear seized Spike's heart as he thought of Buffy so far away from him. Joyce laid a hand on his arm and squeezed.

"Don't panic yet. I guess that's why I came out here. Neither of my girls knows anything about this and what I tell them I guess depends on you. Am I going to leave Buffy here with you or am I taking her with me?"

"She doesn't want anything to do with me. Made that plain enough last week." He said as he hung his head and stared at his hands draped over his knees.

"Answer me something. Honestly. If she told you that she loved you would you have gone off and left her or stayed here and helped her out?"

It was the same question that his Mum had asked him when he had told her what happened. And the same question he had been asking himself all week. Buffy was right and so were they. If she had told him then he wouldn't have left. He would have taken a full time job at the garage and stayed to help support her and her family. It would have been the honorable thing to do.

"Stayed."

"And that's why she never said it."

All Spike could do was nod as hope begin to grow that maybe Buffy really did love him and somehow her mother was going to help them be together.

"She put a dress on layaway for the prom before everything happened and I'm going to go and pick it up today."

"Who is she going with?"

Maybe that was one of the reasons she had turned him down when he had asked her. She had already made a date with someone else. It was typical. She always was the social butterfly. Although it would kill him to think about her being with someone else he hoped she had a good time.

"You, I hope. She bought the dress with you in mind because she was planning on asking you."

His eyes flew open in surprise and he turned to Joyce, only to be greeted by her gentle smile.

"So, if I get her there, will you be waiting for her?" Joyce asked. "I already called her work and told them she wasn't going to be in. I'm going to get the dress and all I need to know is if you are willing to give her one last chance."

Spike stared at Joyce trying to absorb everything she had told him. He opened his mouth to speak, the answer already decided, but he couldn't get the words past the lump in his throat. There wasn't any hesitation on his part but he had to let Joyce know that. Clearing his throat, Spike forced back the tears that threatened to spill and answered her question.

"Yeah," he said, his lips twisting into a smile. "I'll be there."

~~~~~~~

The motel shower was absolutely horrible. Depending on what the people next door were doing, the water alternated between scalding hot or freezing cold. Buffy rushed through the necessary washing, missing the times when she used to love to take her time luxuriating under steamy water that was the perfect temperature. With a sigh she turned the water off, stepped from the stall, wrapping the towel around her middle and that's when she noticed that her uniform wasn't hanging on the door any longer. Opening the door a crack she looked out at her mother.

"Hey, where's my uniform?"

"You won't need it tonight."

Dawn's giggling told Buffy that something was up; her mother's too innocent look was the final indicator. Sighing she stepped out into the main room and froze as she saw it. Her dream spread out on the bed of this crappy hotel room, it was too much and she burst into tears. Every day without him was killing her. After being so close to him it was like a part of her was missing.

"Honey, don't cry. It's for you. So, you can go to the prom tonight."

"I don't want to go."

Buffy knew she sounded ungrateful but there was no way she was showing up there. It was the ultimate demise of her life as she wanted it and she wasn't going to go and torture herself.

"He'll be waiting for you."

Buffy could only shake her head. There was no way he would be waiting for her. Not after she was such an awful bitch to him. And yesterday when she had tried to approach him, he had run letting her know that she had gotten her request. He was leaving her alone. Her mother took her hands and smiled at her.

"After our talk last night I decided that I needed to take care of my daughters the way I should. Made some decisions and had some conversations."

"What are you talking about?"

"After school is out, Dawn and I are going to Portland to live with my mother. And you're going to go with Spike."

"He doesn't want me. He couldn't. Not after the way I treated him when all he wanted to do was love me."

Everything was changing in one moment and she felt like she was on a tilt-a-whirl, getting dizzier by the minute. Her mother's hand stroked her face for a moment as she fought to regain her focus.

"Sweetheart, he sees how truly special you are. And you are. You went and got a job to take care of us without any hesitation. You've handled everything and he understands that things have been really rough."

After a long weekend of soul searching Buffy had realized that Spike was right. She needed to fight back for what she wanted and first thing Monday morning after she had told him off she was in the guidance office waiting for Mrs. Lawrence. Her counselor had taken one look at her and ushered her in straight away. Buffy haltingly told Mrs. Lawrence everything that had been going on in her life.

"Do you still want to go to college?"

Buffy nodded.

"Yeah, I do, even if it's here in town. And I know it probably won't be until the spring semester but I want to get started. So, what do I do?"

Mrs. Lawrence had excused her from class while they got started on her applications for scholarships and grants. They also completed her application to UC Sunnydale. By the time she left she felt more in control of her life again and with a lot more hope for her future. Thanks to someone who loved her and always believed in her.

"Mommy, does he really want me to be there? I'm so scared."

"Yeah, he does. He loves you Buffy. He's a very special man and you'd be a fool not to be there for him. Of course, you'll have to do a lot of groveling before he'll take you back but it will be worth it.

With a feeling bordering on awe that he still loved her after everything she had put him through in the last year, Buffy went toward the bed. Her fingers stroked the velvet material of the dress she had picked out especially for him and allowed the dreams she used to have of their prom night to return. She smiled and looked back at her mother. It was time to let go and take a chance.

"For him," she whispered.

TBC