The Gap of Rohan speaks…
HOLY WOW! OH MY GOD! HOLY CRAPOLA! And other incredibly excited words!
Yesterday, Thursday 29th March, me, my cousin Laura and our friend Lara went to see lord of the Rings… nothing unusual there. Laura's seen it 12 times, and I've seen it 9…
But! (and Legolas has a nice one… BELIEVE ME!)
The film had just finished, Sam was gazing lovingly at Frodo's back/rear end, and it had faded into darkness. I sighed, and reached for my bag. My cousin Laura was leaning forward and messing with her hair, ready to say her customary 'I love that film'. Lara was getting up to go to the loo, but hang on uno momento! Where was the music? I had to sing along! We looked up.
With dramatic suddenness, the words appeared on the screen
'This Christmas…' Laura shrieked and flung herself back into her chair as I clutched her arm. Lara grabbed Laura's hand, Laura grabbed my hand, and Laura muttered a four-letter swearword beginning with f and ending in uck. We stared, slack-jawed, at the screen in total and utter numbness. Lara said 'oh my god'. Laura had begun chanting another four-letter swearword beginning with s and ending in hit, over and over and over and over… I was muttering 'holy crapola', 'wow' and my personal favourite, 'wah'.
The screen lit up, and Aragorn found a certain familiar broach (anyone who has read the book will understand the significance of that) and suddenly BOOM! It kicked in!
WE WERE WATCHING THE PREVIEW OF THE TWO TOWERS!!!! I swear, I thought it came out today (Friday 30th of March)…
Now, I won't spoil it for you. You shall just have to force yourself to sit through yet another showing of the most amazing film ever created, adapted from the most amazing book ever written. But here's the basics….
Legolas in the rain and the lightning and the close up of his beautiful blue eyes and very yummly Aragorn who even looks good after he has had a bath and Merry and Pippin being flunged to the floor and the blood on Merrys forehead and Gimlis 'I need the toilet' run and Frodo saying 'the ring, its getting heavy; and Frodo and Sam in the marshes of Mordor and Gandalf the white who has stolen Sarumans shampoo and he looks totally different and Shadowfax is the most boodiful horse I have ever seen and Denethor looking exactly like I imagined and Faramir who looks like Aragorn as said in the book and Eowyn and Eomer and Treebeards eye and Pippins shocked face and Leggy and Strider and Gimpli whirling round like a whirling thing and seeing Gandalf the white and the battle of helms deep kicks major ass and leggy with the bow and arrows and GOLLUM he looks so amazingly realistic in a horrible kind of way and hes trying to steal the ring from sleeping hobbitses and Grima Wormtongue looking wormy and Saruman and Theoden and the riders of Rohan otherwise known as the Rohirrim and and and and WOWSERS!
Hey, I have used no punctuation in that last one long, long, long, long, long sentence!
The above is an example of what we were talking like when we staggered out of the cinema… we were naming all the characters as they were shown… doody huh? And Legolas' eyes… oh lovely Legolas, we all went 'HAAAAAAAAAAH' at that point. And merry being flunged to the floor and bleeding and Laura collapsed in a little heap at that point.
Aaaaaah, I just had to tell you all aboot that amazing experience we had… we did the happy chicken dance© in the middle of Manchester after that, I can tell ya! We were actually speechless! Actually, you won't understand what that means, Laura and me are NEVER speechless!
And you know what? We are three of the first people to see that preview, in Manchester at least. We KNOW for a fact that it wasn't on the showing before, because we were sat outside waiting, and we could hear everything that was happening. So, they changed the reel just before we watched it! WOW! The door person was looking at us strangely… I'm not surprised, there were suspicious orgasmic sounds coming from our three seats…. And the other people in the cinema were looking at us strange… We actually ran to the toilets and DANCED! YES WE DANCED! We do NOT dance… EVER! Well, except the happy chicken dance©, but that don't count….
Oh, in other news…
I have boughted 'Priscilla, Queen of the Desert'… its so funny! As Laura says, every girl should have a drag queen video! Aw, Hugo Weaving in drag is surprisingly sexy! And I've succeeded in making my cousin like him! A woohoo! He is really funny in it too… and hes such a good camp guy who dresses in women clothes and dances! And he has a nice bum… very nice… and nice legs too…. Even Laura thought that!
I have also boughted Midsomer Murders, Judgement Day, with a certain young British actor by the name of Orlando Bloom, and do you know what? HE IS NAKED IN IT! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And you can see his little sun tattoo on his stomach, and bum crack…. Nice nice nice... and his little fake accent when he says 'you losing your bott'e jack?'! And his really really really bad death scene… so bad it's good! The worrying thing is, he looks really really sexy when hes lying on the floor with a pitchfork sticking out of him….
Oh, and also, I have bought a DVD from National Geographic (which is sad) called Behind the movie, Lord of the Rings! That's amazing too! Behind the scenes, little cut scenes, Elrond's manly 'noise' and his girly running, Elijah Wood saying Tolkien and pronouncing it as 'toi'keen', Billy Boyd, Dominic Monaghan, Orlando Bloom…. Ahhhh, nice….
And Ive just thought… our reaction to that preview is the worlds most perfect advert for lord of the rings!
This is meee…Laura. I can only mutter "OH MY WOW!!!" about what I saw because…there are no words to describe it. Really!!
So anyhoo, I also bought Priscilla, queen of the desert, because its good!!! It is!?! Yes! And I got the MM thing as well…..aww Orli in the most incredibly bad death scene I have ever seen (and I've seen some bad ones) and was it only me that had the urge to have Aragorn shouting "Quick somebody's dying!! I must go and lay on him!!" when he fell? Yes? Oh.
I also bought the National Geographic thing….yes we did buy the same things…like the trading cards and the postcards….yes we are sad. (in the stylee of Vince from Queer As Folk) WOW! OH MY GOD! WE ARE SO SAD!!! Anyhoo, yes I bought the NG thing and it is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good. DOMINIC MONAGHAN WITH HIS BOODIFUL MANKY ACCENT!!! He is soooooo fine (I likes him, could you guess?) and mucky Sam and dancing Sam and walking Sam and basically SAM!!! And Billy Boyd wiv his boodiful accent!! And the scenes we didn't see and elrond's manly noise (not to be confused with Sam's AMAZING manly GRRR! Man's sanly grr in the words of Rowan) and its just fantastico!! Tis!
Okay I am going to go and stare at DOMINIC MONAGHAN (he has to be in capitals) so byesy bye bye and ROWAN? Yes? WRITE MORE ME AND DOM!! AND ME AND MERRY AND PIPPIN AND SAM AND FRODO!! Please.
"What's this? A flip-flop caught off it's guard?"
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"Aragorn, I think the Author is going through some weird phase…" Legolas managed to say, as Frodo trudged past him. Aragorn flung some doors open.
"I know… I can't stop opening these doors." He glanced down and saw a broach lying on the floor and bent down to pick it up. A small storm cloud appeared above Legolas' head. Sam danced past him, holding an imaginary someone.
"Help me Aragorn!" He tried to ask, but was suddenly whirled away. Merry and Pippin landed in a heap on the floor. Pippin looked over, concerned, at Merry, who had blood on his forehead. (Laura faints)
"Merry? Are you okay?" Merry nodded.
"Its okay, its fake…" Frodo trudged past them, his hand clenched into a fist.
"The ring… its getting heavy…" He muttered. Sam whirled past.
"The rings destroyed Mr Frodo…" He called out, and Frodo frowned gently.
"Oh yeah…" He stopped walking, and looked round. Legolas had drawn his bow, aiming the arrow straight ahead with a slightly worried look on his face.
"Help me! I can't put my bow down!" Aragorn opened the doors again and looked over at the elf.
"I'm coming Legolas!" He managed to leap forward and hit the elf square on, knocking him to the floor. "Are you okay?" He asked the elf who was lying below him. Legolas gulped.
"Aragorn, you saved me…" The ranger gasped as he realized what position he was in. "And you look surprisingly yummly all of a sudden…"
* * *
I will update soon… honest… and that little piece has nothing to do with the plot (it has one?)… its just ttpreview inspired nonsense…
HOLY WOW! OH MY GOD! HOLY CRAPOLA! And other incredibly excited words!
Yesterday, Thursday 29th March, me, my cousin Laura and our friend Lara went to see lord of the Rings… nothing unusual there. Laura's seen it 12 times, and I've seen it 9…
But! (and Legolas has a nice one… BELIEVE ME!)
The film had just finished, Sam was gazing lovingly at Frodo's back/rear end, and it had faded into darkness. I sighed, and reached for my bag. My cousin Laura was leaning forward and messing with her hair, ready to say her customary 'I love that film'. Lara was getting up to go to the loo, but hang on uno momento! Where was the music? I had to sing along! We looked up.
With dramatic suddenness, the words appeared on the screen
'This Christmas…' Laura shrieked and flung herself back into her chair as I clutched her arm. Lara grabbed Laura's hand, Laura grabbed my hand, and Laura muttered a four-letter swearword beginning with f and ending in uck. We stared, slack-jawed, at the screen in total and utter numbness. Lara said 'oh my god'. Laura had begun chanting another four-letter swearword beginning with s and ending in hit, over and over and over and over… I was muttering 'holy crapola', 'wow' and my personal favourite, 'wah'.
The screen lit up, and Aragorn found a certain familiar broach (anyone who has read the book will understand the significance of that) and suddenly BOOM! It kicked in!
WE WERE WATCHING THE PREVIEW OF THE TWO TOWERS!!!! I swear, I thought it came out today (Friday 30th of March)…
Now, I won't spoil it for you. You shall just have to force yourself to sit through yet another showing of the most amazing film ever created, adapted from the most amazing book ever written. But here's the basics….
Legolas in the rain and the lightning and the close up of his beautiful blue eyes and very yummly Aragorn who even looks good after he has had a bath and Merry and Pippin being flunged to the floor and the blood on Merrys forehead and Gimlis 'I need the toilet' run and Frodo saying 'the ring, its getting heavy; and Frodo and Sam in the marshes of Mordor and Gandalf the white who has stolen Sarumans shampoo and he looks totally different and Shadowfax is the most boodiful horse I have ever seen and Denethor looking exactly like I imagined and Faramir who looks like Aragorn as said in the book and Eowyn and Eomer and Treebeards eye and Pippins shocked face and Leggy and Strider and Gimpli whirling round like a whirling thing and seeing Gandalf the white and the battle of helms deep kicks major ass and leggy with the bow and arrows and GOLLUM he looks so amazingly realistic in a horrible kind of way and hes trying to steal the ring from sleeping hobbitses and Grima Wormtongue looking wormy and Saruman and Theoden and the riders of Rohan otherwise known as the Rohirrim and and and and WOWSERS!
Hey, I have used no punctuation in that last one long, long, long, long, long sentence!
The above is an example of what we were talking like when we staggered out of the cinema… we were naming all the characters as they were shown… doody huh? And Legolas' eyes… oh lovely Legolas, we all went 'HAAAAAAAAAAH' at that point. And merry being flunged to the floor and bleeding and Laura collapsed in a little heap at that point.
Aaaaaah, I just had to tell you all aboot that amazing experience we had… we did the happy chicken dance© in the middle of Manchester after that, I can tell ya! We were actually speechless! Actually, you won't understand what that means, Laura and me are NEVER speechless!
And you know what? We are three of the first people to see that preview, in Manchester at least. We KNOW for a fact that it wasn't on the showing before, because we were sat outside waiting, and we could hear everything that was happening. So, they changed the reel just before we watched it! WOW! The door person was looking at us strangely… I'm not surprised, there were suspicious orgasmic sounds coming from our three seats…. And the other people in the cinema were looking at us strange… We actually ran to the toilets and DANCED! YES WE DANCED! We do NOT dance… EVER! Well, except the happy chicken dance©, but that don't count….
Oh, in other news…
I have boughted 'Priscilla, Queen of the Desert'… its so funny! As Laura says, every girl should have a drag queen video! Aw, Hugo Weaving in drag is surprisingly sexy! And I've succeeded in making my cousin like him! A woohoo! He is really funny in it too… and hes such a good camp guy who dresses in women clothes and dances! And he has a nice bum… very nice… and nice legs too…. Even Laura thought that!
I have also boughted Midsomer Murders, Judgement Day, with a certain young British actor by the name of Orlando Bloom, and do you know what? HE IS NAKED IN IT! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And you can see his little sun tattoo on his stomach, and bum crack…. Nice nice nice... and his little fake accent when he says 'you losing your bott'e jack?'! And his really really really bad death scene… so bad it's good! The worrying thing is, he looks really really sexy when hes lying on the floor with a pitchfork sticking out of him….
Oh, and also, I have bought a DVD from National Geographic (which is sad) called Behind the movie, Lord of the Rings! That's amazing too! Behind the scenes, little cut scenes, Elrond's manly 'noise' and his girly running, Elijah Wood saying Tolkien and pronouncing it as 'toi'keen', Billy Boyd, Dominic Monaghan, Orlando Bloom…. Ahhhh, nice….
And Ive just thought… our reaction to that preview is the worlds most perfect advert for lord of the rings!
This is meee…Laura. I can only mutter "OH MY WOW!!!" about what I saw because…there are no words to describe it. Really!!
So anyhoo, I also bought Priscilla, queen of the desert, because its good!!! It is!?! Yes! And I got the MM thing as well…..aww Orli in the most incredibly bad death scene I have ever seen (and I've seen some bad ones) and was it only me that had the urge to have Aragorn shouting "Quick somebody's dying!! I must go and lay on him!!" when he fell? Yes? Oh.
I also bought the National Geographic thing….yes we did buy the same things…like the trading cards and the postcards….yes we are sad. (in the stylee of Vince from Queer As Folk) WOW! OH MY GOD! WE ARE SO SAD!!! Anyhoo, yes I bought the NG thing and it is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good. DOMINIC MONAGHAN WITH HIS BOODIFUL MANKY ACCENT!!! He is soooooo fine (I likes him, could you guess?) and mucky Sam and dancing Sam and walking Sam and basically SAM!!! And Billy Boyd wiv his boodiful accent!! And the scenes we didn't see and elrond's manly noise (not to be confused with Sam's AMAZING manly GRRR! Man's sanly grr in the words of Rowan) and its just fantastico!! Tis!
Okay I am going to go and stare at DOMINIC MONAGHAN (he has to be in capitals) so byesy bye bye and ROWAN? Yes? WRITE MORE ME AND DOM!! AND ME AND MERRY AND PIPPIN AND SAM AND FRODO!! Please.
"What's this? A flip-flop caught off it's guard?"
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"Aragorn, I think the Author is going through some weird phase…" Legolas managed to say, as Frodo trudged past him. Aragorn flung some doors open.
"I know… I can't stop opening these doors." He glanced down and saw a broach lying on the floor and bent down to pick it up. A small storm cloud appeared above Legolas' head. Sam danced past him, holding an imaginary someone.
"Help me Aragorn!" He tried to ask, but was suddenly whirled away. Merry and Pippin landed in a heap on the floor. Pippin looked over, concerned, at Merry, who had blood on his forehead. (Laura faints)
"Merry? Are you okay?" Merry nodded.
"Its okay, its fake…" Frodo trudged past them, his hand clenched into a fist.
"The ring… its getting heavy…" He muttered. Sam whirled past.
"The rings destroyed Mr Frodo…" He called out, and Frodo frowned gently.
"Oh yeah…" He stopped walking, and looked round. Legolas had drawn his bow, aiming the arrow straight ahead with a slightly worried look on his face.
"Help me! I can't put my bow down!" Aragorn opened the doors again and looked over at the elf.
"I'm coming Legolas!" He managed to leap forward and hit the elf square on, knocking him to the floor. "Are you okay?" He asked the elf who was lying below him. Legolas gulped.
"Aragorn, you saved me…" The ranger gasped as he realized what position he was in. "And you look surprisingly yummly all of a sudden…"
* * *
I will update soon… honest… and that little piece has nothing to do with the plot (it has one?)… its just ttpreview inspired nonsense…