Well then, to anyone who don't know what good ole British fish and chips
are like… feel lucky…. No, I'm just kidding, they are wonderful! Imagine
LARGE fries (made of real potatoes) cooked to just the right point of burnt
o the outside and soggy on the inside, soaked in vinegar,,, lots and lots
of vinegar… covered in lumpy gravy (optional) and covered in a mountain of
salt, all swimming in grease… add to that a fish, battered in something (we
aint not sure what it is), and again, soaked in vinegar, and dumped on top…
absolutely divine. They are wonderfule… also, pie and sausage (optional
batter) available. Chip butties… a baps/breadcakes/lumps of bread cut in
half filled to overflowing with burnt/soggy chips, soaked in vinager, with
ketchup/salt/salad cream/mayonnaise/brown sauce/curry sauce optional. They
are nice… really.#
The line 'they're trying to kill us' is my line. I came up with it whilst buying said chips in lumpy gravy with mountains of salt in Mankychester! Picture the scene…
Me and my cousin laura, in a chippy just up the road from where she lives (im staying there this week and a half), around lunchtime. We decided to get some chips and gravy. We stood there, watching in awe at the scallyness* of the girls serving us, when suddenly she asked. 'salt?' so I nodded, like a fool! FATAL MISTAKE! Laura knew, but she did not stop them! Mevil girl! On went salt.. and on and on and on and on and on and on…. I think she used up a small ocean. In horror, I leant over and muttered 'They're trying to kill us' in a strange accent. Laura tied not to piss herself laughing on the floor…
*I am NOT explaining what scallyness is… ask Laura (aka 'The Hand Of Gondor aka The Author Formerly Known As Easy Access Culture Slut')
* * * * * * * * * * * *
The camp was surprisingly empty when Aragorn, Legolas and Boromir returned.
"Where are the Things?"
"The Halflings?" Boromir seemed upset. He scurried around the clearing.
"Where could they be?" Legolas ignored Boromir's frantic searching. Aragorn looked round quickly.
"I know not, my friend." He raised his hand to run it through his hair, then suddenly remembered what happened last time, and settled with scratching his eyebrow. "There are no signs of a fight. Boromir, put that log down. We should start searching for them. We must set off before noon. Boromir! They are *not* under that rock!"
"Then we must act quickly." Legolas said, turning to find Boromir kneeling on the floor by the aforementioned log, ear pressed to the ground.
"Boromir?"
"I wonder what worms sound like." He said thoughtfully, glancing up to see the Man and Elf staring at him. "What?"
Orlando's eyes opened slowly to see dark hair right below him. Then he felt something. Something very nice. He closed his eyes again and groaned as Elijah nibbled on his collarbone. Then he giggled as the younger man started sucking, his fingers trailing lightly up Orlando's sides, and he slowly moved up the older mans neck. Elijah raised his head slightly and licked at Orlando's ear.
"Morning." He pushed himself up and looked down at the older man.
"Good morning." Orlando grinned, reaching up to gently touch Elijah's cheek. "Should we find the others?"
"I don't want to." They kissed slowly, and reluctantly pulled apart. "But I suppose we don't have a choice." He rolled over and watched Orlando stand up and stretch, before recovering his clothes from the surrounding foliage.
"You know, if I had a videocamera I'd make a fortune." Orlando laughed as he pulled his clothes back on, and turned to see Elijah smirking at him.
"Come on porn-master." He held his hand out and pulled the younger man to his feet, and started to dress him. Elijah let him, watching entranced as Orlando finished the buttons on his shirt, then gave him a quick kiss on the lips. "We have to get back." Elijah smiled and kissed him back a little more passionately.
"So how was your first time?"
"Frodo!" Legolas quickly swung up on a low tree branch and swiftly climbed up the tree. "Sam! Sean!" Sighing as he heard no reply, the elf dropped back down, and landed silently between Aragorn and Boromir.
"No sign?" Aragorn said, without looking round.
"No, you know I di… Aaaaaah!" Boromir seemed to have realized Legolas was there. "Wow, how'd ya do that?"
"I am an elf Boromir. Or hadn't you noticed?" Aragorn grinned to himself, then suddenly stopped dead and held his hand up.
"Hear that?" They all stopped and listened. There, very faintly, was a familiar voice.
"You are not yourself." Then a pause. "What will I see?…Gandalf."
"That way!" Legolas cried, leaping forward, leaving Boromir and Aragorn to follow him.
Merry raised his head, groaned, and slumped back down. Pippin sneezed.
"Hair…" He muttered, bringing his hand up to shove Merry's head off his chest. Merry smiled and snuggled up to the younger hobbit's side.
"We have to get up." He murmured.
"Don't wanna."
"Well we gotta." Pippin opened his eyes and looked blearily at Merry.
"'Kay."
Sean and Sam stumbled through the woods, exhausted. All night, and no sign of Frodo.
"I need a rest." Sam said, leaning against a tree. "And food. I'm starving." Sean stopped and looked around, scratching his head.
"Yeah... Can you smell something?"
"It's not Aragorn again is it?"
"No, something nicer than Aragorn…" The hobbit and the Thing sniffed. A breeze drifted by, waved as it passed them, and continued on into the forest. Following it was a smell never before smelt in Middle Earth. It was… Fish and chips.
"What's that?" Sam asked Sean, who smiled.
"Food."
They followed their noses, and came to a large clearing (gad, there's hundreds of 'em). At one end stood a small building on wheels. It was a trailer. There was a hatch in one side. Around the clearing were about a dozen tables, with chairs randomly placed around them. On the chairs were sat several elves, eating something Sam had never seen before. Confused, Sean and Sam walked up to the trailer and joined the queue, behind two elves who were being served. Sean, being the taller of the two, could see a cute elf with messy blonde hair and grey eyes shaking some salt from a container, onto a rather suspicious looking pile of chips, covered in lumpy gravy. As even more salt was added, the taller of the elves leant towards the other and muttered 'they're trying to kill us'. The cute elf in the trailer waved the two elves off as they walked to a table then turned to the next in line.
"Ah! Master Gamgee and Master Astin!" Sean and Sam looked at each other.
"You know us?" Glorfindel nodded.
"Of course, Elrond told me all about you two." He folded his arms on the counter and leant forward. "We've had some trouble with that Author. Terrible. We were forced to play strange instruments for hours! Horrible business. Absolutely horrible." He sighed and shook his head. "Ah well. What would you two fella's like then?"
The Lord of Imladris sat at a table on the edge of the clearing. In one hand he held a small flip-up mirror, and was stroking his left eyebrow with the other. A dish of chips was on the table in front of him.
"Hi." He looked up to see a girl sat at the table in front of him. She had shoulder length brown hair, brown eyes, a t-shirt saying 'never underestimate the power of a sick mind', and the baggiest pair of trousers Elrond had seen in his 7000 years. It was, of course, Laura.
"Hello." He put the mirror back in the breast pocket of his tuxedo, and picked up the plastic fork.
"Can I…" Laura started then stopped nervously. He raised an eyebrow at her. "Ah! The Eyebrows!" She shrieked then stopped and looked round nervously, but the other elves ignored her. Elrond just looked shocked. "Sorry bout that. Can I…Can I call you Mitzi?"
"No."
"Agent Smith?"
"No."
"Rex?"
"No."
"Jeremy the randy estate agent?"
"No!" Elrond wasn't sure what an estate agent was, but if they were anything like this girl, he didn't want to know.
"Oh." She gave him a sly smile. "How about Elly?" Elrond glared at her till she grinned nervously and slunk off back into the forest, and he retrieved his mirror.
Boromir, Legolas, Aragorn and a still murmuring Frodo wandered into the clearing and jerked to a stop. Sam and Sean noticed them and waved frantically to get their attention. Merry and Pippin trudged in a little while later, starving hungry and desperate for some chippy goodness. They sat round the table, munching on chip butties, battered fish and vinegar soaked chips, wondering where Elijah and Orlando were.
Elijah and Orlando, however, had found an excellent use for the small clearing behind Glorfindel's trailer.
The line 'they're trying to kill us' is my line. I came up with it whilst buying said chips in lumpy gravy with mountains of salt in Mankychester! Picture the scene…
Me and my cousin laura, in a chippy just up the road from where she lives (im staying there this week and a half), around lunchtime. We decided to get some chips and gravy. We stood there, watching in awe at the scallyness* of the girls serving us, when suddenly she asked. 'salt?' so I nodded, like a fool! FATAL MISTAKE! Laura knew, but she did not stop them! Mevil girl! On went salt.. and on and on and on and on and on and on…. I think she used up a small ocean. In horror, I leant over and muttered 'They're trying to kill us' in a strange accent. Laura tied not to piss herself laughing on the floor…
*I am NOT explaining what scallyness is… ask Laura (aka 'The Hand Of Gondor aka The Author Formerly Known As Easy Access Culture Slut')
* * * * * * * * * * * *
The camp was surprisingly empty when Aragorn, Legolas and Boromir returned.
"Where are the Things?"
"The Halflings?" Boromir seemed upset. He scurried around the clearing.
"Where could they be?" Legolas ignored Boromir's frantic searching. Aragorn looked round quickly.
"I know not, my friend." He raised his hand to run it through his hair, then suddenly remembered what happened last time, and settled with scratching his eyebrow. "There are no signs of a fight. Boromir, put that log down. We should start searching for them. We must set off before noon. Boromir! They are *not* under that rock!"
"Then we must act quickly." Legolas said, turning to find Boromir kneeling on the floor by the aforementioned log, ear pressed to the ground.
"Boromir?"
"I wonder what worms sound like." He said thoughtfully, glancing up to see the Man and Elf staring at him. "What?"
Orlando's eyes opened slowly to see dark hair right below him. Then he felt something. Something very nice. He closed his eyes again and groaned as Elijah nibbled on his collarbone. Then he giggled as the younger man started sucking, his fingers trailing lightly up Orlando's sides, and he slowly moved up the older mans neck. Elijah raised his head slightly and licked at Orlando's ear.
"Morning." He pushed himself up and looked down at the older man.
"Good morning." Orlando grinned, reaching up to gently touch Elijah's cheek. "Should we find the others?"
"I don't want to." They kissed slowly, and reluctantly pulled apart. "But I suppose we don't have a choice." He rolled over and watched Orlando stand up and stretch, before recovering his clothes from the surrounding foliage.
"You know, if I had a videocamera I'd make a fortune." Orlando laughed as he pulled his clothes back on, and turned to see Elijah smirking at him.
"Come on porn-master." He held his hand out and pulled the younger man to his feet, and started to dress him. Elijah let him, watching entranced as Orlando finished the buttons on his shirt, then gave him a quick kiss on the lips. "We have to get back." Elijah smiled and kissed him back a little more passionately.
"So how was your first time?"
"Frodo!" Legolas quickly swung up on a low tree branch and swiftly climbed up the tree. "Sam! Sean!" Sighing as he heard no reply, the elf dropped back down, and landed silently between Aragorn and Boromir.
"No sign?" Aragorn said, without looking round.
"No, you know I di… Aaaaaah!" Boromir seemed to have realized Legolas was there. "Wow, how'd ya do that?"
"I am an elf Boromir. Or hadn't you noticed?" Aragorn grinned to himself, then suddenly stopped dead and held his hand up.
"Hear that?" They all stopped and listened. There, very faintly, was a familiar voice.
"You are not yourself." Then a pause. "What will I see?…Gandalf."
"That way!" Legolas cried, leaping forward, leaving Boromir and Aragorn to follow him.
Merry raised his head, groaned, and slumped back down. Pippin sneezed.
"Hair…" He muttered, bringing his hand up to shove Merry's head off his chest. Merry smiled and snuggled up to the younger hobbit's side.
"We have to get up." He murmured.
"Don't wanna."
"Well we gotta." Pippin opened his eyes and looked blearily at Merry.
"'Kay."
Sean and Sam stumbled through the woods, exhausted. All night, and no sign of Frodo.
"I need a rest." Sam said, leaning against a tree. "And food. I'm starving." Sean stopped and looked around, scratching his head.
"Yeah... Can you smell something?"
"It's not Aragorn again is it?"
"No, something nicer than Aragorn…" The hobbit and the Thing sniffed. A breeze drifted by, waved as it passed them, and continued on into the forest. Following it was a smell never before smelt in Middle Earth. It was… Fish and chips.
"What's that?" Sam asked Sean, who smiled.
"Food."
They followed their noses, and came to a large clearing (gad, there's hundreds of 'em). At one end stood a small building on wheels. It was a trailer. There was a hatch in one side. Around the clearing were about a dozen tables, with chairs randomly placed around them. On the chairs were sat several elves, eating something Sam had never seen before. Confused, Sean and Sam walked up to the trailer and joined the queue, behind two elves who were being served. Sean, being the taller of the two, could see a cute elf with messy blonde hair and grey eyes shaking some salt from a container, onto a rather suspicious looking pile of chips, covered in lumpy gravy. As even more salt was added, the taller of the elves leant towards the other and muttered 'they're trying to kill us'. The cute elf in the trailer waved the two elves off as they walked to a table then turned to the next in line.
"Ah! Master Gamgee and Master Astin!" Sean and Sam looked at each other.
"You know us?" Glorfindel nodded.
"Of course, Elrond told me all about you two." He folded his arms on the counter and leant forward. "We've had some trouble with that Author. Terrible. We were forced to play strange instruments for hours! Horrible business. Absolutely horrible." He sighed and shook his head. "Ah well. What would you two fella's like then?"
The Lord of Imladris sat at a table on the edge of the clearing. In one hand he held a small flip-up mirror, and was stroking his left eyebrow with the other. A dish of chips was on the table in front of him.
"Hi." He looked up to see a girl sat at the table in front of him. She had shoulder length brown hair, brown eyes, a t-shirt saying 'never underestimate the power of a sick mind', and the baggiest pair of trousers Elrond had seen in his 7000 years. It was, of course, Laura.
"Hello." He put the mirror back in the breast pocket of his tuxedo, and picked up the plastic fork.
"Can I…" Laura started then stopped nervously. He raised an eyebrow at her. "Ah! The Eyebrows!" She shrieked then stopped and looked round nervously, but the other elves ignored her. Elrond just looked shocked. "Sorry bout that. Can I…Can I call you Mitzi?"
"No."
"Agent Smith?"
"No."
"Rex?"
"No."
"Jeremy the randy estate agent?"
"No!" Elrond wasn't sure what an estate agent was, but if they were anything like this girl, he didn't want to know.
"Oh." She gave him a sly smile. "How about Elly?" Elrond glared at her till she grinned nervously and slunk off back into the forest, and he retrieved his mirror.
Boromir, Legolas, Aragorn and a still murmuring Frodo wandered into the clearing and jerked to a stop. Sam and Sean noticed them and waved frantically to get their attention. Merry and Pippin trudged in a little while later, starving hungry and desperate for some chippy goodness. They sat round the table, munching on chip butties, battered fish and vinegar soaked chips, wondering where Elijah and Orlando were.
Elijah and Orlando, however, had found an excellent use for the small clearing behind Glorfindel's trailer.