This one took a while to finish… mainly because of stupid writers block,
and total lack of inspiration. Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last
chapter… its one of my favourites (and I admit it, I was hoping for more
reviews of it… oh well, c'est la vie, as they say in Italy…er, never mind).
Well, here's some more insanity for you to sink your teeth into (btw, don't try. Computers taste nasty).
I DO own StarBrandybucks. And McGamgees. And Burger Thain. And Rohan Fried Chicken. And the White City Coffee Shop. And the Cave Troll… er, you get the idea. The police-elf also belongs to me…
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
"I don't see what all the fuss 's'bout." Boromir complained as the fellowship trudged up some stairs, lit only by several dim torches on the walls. They were annoying Aragorn intensely, as they weren't even real fire. He *liked* fire. Not these strangely flickering 'lightbulbs', as the Things called them, in flame-shaped glass cases. He just tried to ignore them and kept walking. He wanted to get out of here a.s.a.p. "Ah mean, it's jus' a big dark hallway really. Well, an' some stairs." Boromir chatted on to Legolas, who was looking even paler than usual. Sean noticed, and gently touched the elf's arm.
"What's wrong?" he whispered and the elf moved closer to him.
"I don't like the dark. Its not natural for elves." He muttered under his breath and Sean stroked his arm soothingly.
"S'a lot different from last time, int it?" Boromir looked around for dwarf skeletons, finding none. "Don't see what's so good 'bou… Holy Hand of Gondor Rangerman!"
The fellowship stared in shock at the biggest (and first) theme park they had ever seen. Boromir's little outburst was forgotten, as it took a good 10 minutes for Legolas to absorb everything. Of course, it took the hobbits and Aragorn a little while longer. Boromir was still staring round in amazement as they dragged him forward into the crowd. The Things were very excited; naming every ride/attraction they saw the notices for; on the left the Caverns of Doom, on the right the Balrogator rollercoaster. Then they saw it; The Cave Troll. The biggest underground rollercoaster in Middle Earth. (Of course, the real cave troll, having obviously wormed its way into the Authors good books, was back and wandering round, letting men, elves and dwarves take photos of themselves with him.) Legolas had pointed out that, along with the Balrogator (which was barely 30ft high, and therefore didn't count), that it was the 'only' rollercoaster in Middle Earth, but he was barely heard in the noise of the crowd. Those who did hear him ignored him anyway.
The fellowship pushed their way through the crowd and towards the start of the cue. Well, to be more exact, the Things led the fellowship through the crowd, with Legolas Boromir and the hobbits following with a look of curiosity mixed with fear on their faces. They were all followed by Aragorn, who was complaining loudly that they really should get going 'cos they were *supposed* to be on a rather important quest, and stopping here was playing right into the Authors hands. Oh, and he wanted some candyfloss.
When they reached the queue for the Cave Troll, the Things hurried to join the already huge line before any more dwarves appeared.
"This is gonna take forever." Aragorn was getting angry. Legolas looked over at him and sighed.
"Look, let them have one turn, and then…" He was interrupted by a loud scream, actually several loud screams, and they whirled round to see a carriage holding a several dwarves, elves and one or two men from Gondor plummeting down a chasm on thin metal rails. Legolas reckoned the chasm was about 300ft (though Boromir had concluded that Elvish eyesight was the first to go.)
"I *have* to go on that!" Merry grinned, grabbing Pippin's arm and pulling him towards the Things already in the queue. Frodo looked at Sam. Sam looked back.
"Wait for us!" They both yelled and raced after the other two hobbits. Aragorn, Legolas and Boromir watched them go in horror.
"Fools." Aragorn shook his head.
"Scared, strider?" Boromir grinned at him, and Aragorn scowled.
"Of course I'm not scared. I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, King of Gondor, Chief of the Rangers of the North…"
"Yes, alright Aragorn." Legolas snapped. Aragorn just kept scowling at Boromir.
"Dare ya to go in t'Caverns o' Doom." Aragorn stared at him and Legolas groaned at the immaturity.
"Fine." Boromir smiled. "Care to join me?" Boromir's smile faltered a little. "Or are you too scared?"
Legolas sat at a small table in a crowded area, around which were several fast food establishments he'd never heard of. He had avoided Rohan Fried Chicken, as it seemed a rather cruel thing to do to a poor little bird. McGamgees (it seemed that Sam's father had branched out a little) and Burger Thain (Hobbiton now had two successful fast food chains) had the special offers '5 adult meals – kids meal free' and '4 burger meal – extra burger half price'. In the end, he had decided on a strange smelling strong drink from a shop called StarBrandybucks. The owner of said shop, probably a relation of Merry's, and perhaps all the other hobbits come to think of it, was having an argument with the owner of the coffee shop across from it, the White City Coffee Shop. Legolas thought that it was because the owner of the White City Coffee Shop was jealous of StarBrandybucks better name.
At least it was more interesting than seeing the hobbits and the Things throw up on a huge rollercoaster, or watching Aragorn and Boromir try to out-macho each other. Well, actually…
Finally, after what seemed like hours, the Things and the hobbits had made their way to the front of the queue. Sean, Billy, Dominic and Elijah had been herded onto a carriage by some elves at the front. Elijah left reluctantly, shooting Orlando a desperate I-want-to-be-with-you look. Orlando sent him back an I-know-you-do-I-want-to-be-with-you-too look. Sam and Orlando got split up from the rest of the hobbits by some bizarre series of coincidences (which included Merry and Pippin distracting Frodo by whispering 'Baggins' in his ear in husky voices, and giggling as Frodo leapt around to look). So it was that Orlando and Sam sat side by side in a carriage with two other dwarves who insisted on making out rather noisily. Sam had always wondered what female dwarves looked like, and had heard that they looked quite like the male dwarves, but he seriously doubted that the other dwarf was female at all. To try and drown out the noises of frisky dwarves, the Thing and the hobbit made polite, albeit loud, conversation over the top.
"Its nice here isn't it?"
"Yes. I like what they're done with the pillars. Very gothic." This fascinating conversation was cut short however, as the carriage jerked forward and was steadily dragged upwards.
"Orli." Sam shuffled closer to the Thing, as much to get away from the dwarves as anything. Orlando was grinning madly, and was clutching the bar that was in front of them hard.
"I love rollercoasters. Do you like rollercoasters? Oh, you haven't been on one before have you? Oh they're so good! I love them!" Orlando chatted on to the hobbit, who had realised suddenly how far up they were getting, and clutched onto Orlando's arm.
"Orli!" He snapped, and Orlando looked at him.
"Hm?"
"I have to tell you something." Sam noticed they were getting close to the top, and knew he didn't have a lot of time. "I… I really like you."
"I like you too Sam." Orlando replied, glancing down over the side of the carriage, then back at the hobbit. "Nearly there!"
"No! I mean… I like you as in… *like* you like you, not just like you." Orlando stared at him in shock.
"You whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…" The carriage plunged down into darkness, and the sentence was lost amid the frantic screams. Then, there was silence. At least, for a moment. "…t?!"
"Would Legolas Greenleaf please come to the information center located at Balin's Tomb." Legolas looked up from his coffee, and felt the attention of every elf, dwarf, hobbit and human in the place focused on him. "Would Legolas Greenleaf please come to the information center." Blushing slightly, he stood and hurried out of the food court, and towards Balin's tomb, avoiding all the curious gazes that followed him. He wondered what could have happened, but was interrupted by another announcement. "Would Legolas Greenleaf *please* come to the information center. It *is* rather important."
As he reached the information center, he was ushered inside. Aragorn and Boromir were sat side-by-side on a bench, in handcuffs, pouting sulkily. An elf and a dwarf, both in policeman's uniform (which Legolas was baffled by) stood at either side of them. As Legolas stared in horror and acute embarrassment, a door opened at the other end of the room, and the hobbits and the Things were hurried inside.
"What on Middle-Earth is going on?"
"Mr Greenleaf, I presume." The elf in the uniform stepped forward.
"Yes, Im Legolas." The elf moved a little closer. "Do you know these… gentlemen?"
"Im sorry to say that I do." He frowned at them all. "What have you done now?"
"These… gentlemen were arrested in the Caverns of Doom for…" The elf looked at a notepad, which he had pulled from his pocket. "Indecent exposure, and assault."
"What?!"
"Hey, that's a bit harsh!" Aragorn piped up.
"Yeah, we dint assault anyone!" Boromir added, shooting Aragorn a dirty look.
"Two young hobbit-girls were assaulted whilst on the Caverns of Doom tour, by…" The elf looked at his notes again. "A large greasy man in a flasher coat and winter boots that exposed himself to them, and another large, but not quite so greasy, man who rather violently attacked them."
"Ah dint!" Boromir stood up. "Honest! I tripped over Aragorn an' fell on em!" He was joined by Aragorn.
"I never 'exposed' myself!" He folded his arms, but failed miserably due to the handcuffs. "My coat fell open! It's not my fault that I was forced to wear these clothes!" Legolas was rubbing his temples and groaning to himself.
"The hobbit-girls…" The elf continued. "Were forced to use self-defense against the attackers."
"Self defense?" Aragorn exclaimed. "They attacked us! Those hobbits are vicious little creatures."
Legolas sat down on a seat that had been helpfully placed behind him.
"And what about them?" He gestured to the hobbits and the Things, who were looked a little sheepish.
"Ah, yes." The elf flipped a few pages in his notebook. "The hobbits, Meriadoc Brandybuck, Peregrin Took and Frodo Baggins were arrested shortly after these gentlemen, for indecent assault and breach of the peace."
"We didn't!" They all chorused at the same time. The elf frowned at them.
"Several hobbits, and an elf, accused these hobbits of…" he coughed gently, "indecently touching them, and acting rather 'drunkenly'."
"We never! We were just…" Pippin started.
"We'd just got off the Cave Troll, and we were a bit dizzy. It's not our fault where our hands went, they shouldn't have been standing there." Merry finished off. Orlando, Elijah, Billy, Dominic, Sean and Sam looked at each other, and tried not to laugh out loud. The elf turned back to Legolas, who had his head in his hands and was taking deep breaths.
"Of course, these are serious charges." Legolas looked up at him, then stood up.
"Could I have a word?" The elf looked at him a little suspiciously, then let Legolas lead him to a corner. The others watched in interest as they talked quietly. Legolas rested his hand on the other elf's arm. It all seemed rather informal. Then they both walked back.
"Well…" The elf smiled at Legolas. "I'm sure we can… let this drop. But I'll have to ban you from Moria Land of course."
"Of course." Legolas waited impatiently as Boromir and Aragorn's handcuffs were taken off, and they were herded to the back door. The police-elf waved them off.
As they trudged down the dark hallway towards the way out (handily marked with a large white and green sign saying 'exit'), Sean walked over to Legolas.
"What did you say to him?" Legolas sighed.
"Not much. Oh, remind me, if we save the world, I've got a dinner date waiting for me." Sean gave him a surprised look then burst into laughter and hurried to tell the others about it. Aragorn sidled up to the elf.
"Legolas I…"
"Don't Aragorn. Just… Don't" The elf hurried ahead, leaving the man staring after him.
Well, here's some more insanity for you to sink your teeth into (btw, don't try. Computers taste nasty).
I DO own StarBrandybucks. And McGamgees. And Burger Thain. And Rohan Fried Chicken. And the White City Coffee Shop. And the Cave Troll… er, you get the idea. The police-elf also belongs to me…
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
"I don't see what all the fuss 's'bout." Boromir complained as the fellowship trudged up some stairs, lit only by several dim torches on the walls. They were annoying Aragorn intensely, as they weren't even real fire. He *liked* fire. Not these strangely flickering 'lightbulbs', as the Things called them, in flame-shaped glass cases. He just tried to ignore them and kept walking. He wanted to get out of here a.s.a.p. "Ah mean, it's jus' a big dark hallway really. Well, an' some stairs." Boromir chatted on to Legolas, who was looking even paler than usual. Sean noticed, and gently touched the elf's arm.
"What's wrong?" he whispered and the elf moved closer to him.
"I don't like the dark. Its not natural for elves." He muttered under his breath and Sean stroked his arm soothingly.
"S'a lot different from last time, int it?" Boromir looked around for dwarf skeletons, finding none. "Don't see what's so good 'bou… Holy Hand of Gondor Rangerman!"
The fellowship stared in shock at the biggest (and first) theme park they had ever seen. Boromir's little outburst was forgotten, as it took a good 10 minutes for Legolas to absorb everything. Of course, it took the hobbits and Aragorn a little while longer. Boromir was still staring round in amazement as they dragged him forward into the crowd. The Things were very excited; naming every ride/attraction they saw the notices for; on the left the Caverns of Doom, on the right the Balrogator rollercoaster. Then they saw it; The Cave Troll. The biggest underground rollercoaster in Middle Earth. (Of course, the real cave troll, having obviously wormed its way into the Authors good books, was back and wandering round, letting men, elves and dwarves take photos of themselves with him.) Legolas had pointed out that, along with the Balrogator (which was barely 30ft high, and therefore didn't count), that it was the 'only' rollercoaster in Middle Earth, but he was barely heard in the noise of the crowd. Those who did hear him ignored him anyway.
The fellowship pushed their way through the crowd and towards the start of the cue. Well, to be more exact, the Things led the fellowship through the crowd, with Legolas Boromir and the hobbits following with a look of curiosity mixed with fear on their faces. They were all followed by Aragorn, who was complaining loudly that they really should get going 'cos they were *supposed* to be on a rather important quest, and stopping here was playing right into the Authors hands. Oh, and he wanted some candyfloss.
When they reached the queue for the Cave Troll, the Things hurried to join the already huge line before any more dwarves appeared.
"This is gonna take forever." Aragorn was getting angry. Legolas looked over at him and sighed.
"Look, let them have one turn, and then…" He was interrupted by a loud scream, actually several loud screams, and they whirled round to see a carriage holding a several dwarves, elves and one or two men from Gondor plummeting down a chasm on thin metal rails. Legolas reckoned the chasm was about 300ft (though Boromir had concluded that Elvish eyesight was the first to go.)
"I *have* to go on that!" Merry grinned, grabbing Pippin's arm and pulling him towards the Things already in the queue. Frodo looked at Sam. Sam looked back.
"Wait for us!" They both yelled and raced after the other two hobbits. Aragorn, Legolas and Boromir watched them go in horror.
"Fools." Aragorn shook his head.
"Scared, strider?" Boromir grinned at him, and Aragorn scowled.
"Of course I'm not scared. I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, King of Gondor, Chief of the Rangers of the North…"
"Yes, alright Aragorn." Legolas snapped. Aragorn just kept scowling at Boromir.
"Dare ya to go in t'Caverns o' Doom." Aragorn stared at him and Legolas groaned at the immaturity.
"Fine." Boromir smiled. "Care to join me?" Boromir's smile faltered a little. "Or are you too scared?"
Legolas sat at a small table in a crowded area, around which were several fast food establishments he'd never heard of. He had avoided Rohan Fried Chicken, as it seemed a rather cruel thing to do to a poor little bird. McGamgees (it seemed that Sam's father had branched out a little) and Burger Thain (Hobbiton now had two successful fast food chains) had the special offers '5 adult meals – kids meal free' and '4 burger meal – extra burger half price'. In the end, he had decided on a strange smelling strong drink from a shop called StarBrandybucks. The owner of said shop, probably a relation of Merry's, and perhaps all the other hobbits come to think of it, was having an argument with the owner of the coffee shop across from it, the White City Coffee Shop. Legolas thought that it was because the owner of the White City Coffee Shop was jealous of StarBrandybucks better name.
At least it was more interesting than seeing the hobbits and the Things throw up on a huge rollercoaster, or watching Aragorn and Boromir try to out-macho each other. Well, actually…
Finally, after what seemed like hours, the Things and the hobbits had made their way to the front of the queue. Sean, Billy, Dominic and Elijah had been herded onto a carriage by some elves at the front. Elijah left reluctantly, shooting Orlando a desperate I-want-to-be-with-you look. Orlando sent him back an I-know-you-do-I-want-to-be-with-you-too look. Sam and Orlando got split up from the rest of the hobbits by some bizarre series of coincidences (which included Merry and Pippin distracting Frodo by whispering 'Baggins' in his ear in husky voices, and giggling as Frodo leapt around to look). So it was that Orlando and Sam sat side by side in a carriage with two other dwarves who insisted on making out rather noisily. Sam had always wondered what female dwarves looked like, and had heard that they looked quite like the male dwarves, but he seriously doubted that the other dwarf was female at all. To try and drown out the noises of frisky dwarves, the Thing and the hobbit made polite, albeit loud, conversation over the top.
"Its nice here isn't it?"
"Yes. I like what they're done with the pillars. Very gothic." This fascinating conversation was cut short however, as the carriage jerked forward and was steadily dragged upwards.
"Orli." Sam shuffled closer to the Thing, as much to get away from the dwarves as anything. Orlando was grinning madly, and was clutching the bar that was in front of them hard.
"I love rollercoasters. Do you like rollercoasters? Oh, you haven't been on one before have you? Oh they're so good! I love them!" Orlando chatted on to the hobbit, who had realised suddenly how far up they were getting, and clutched onto Orlando's arm.
"Orli!" He snapped, and Orlando looked at him.
"Hm?"
"I have to tell you something." Sam noticed they were getting close to the top, and knew he didn't have a lot of time. "I… I really like you."
"I like you too Sam." Orlando replied, glancing down over the side of the carriage, then back at the hobbit. "Nearly there!"
"No! I mean… I like you as in… *like* you like you, not just like you." Orlando stared at him in shock.
"You whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…" The carriage plunged down into darkness, and the sentence was lost amid the frantic screams. Then, there was silence. At least, for a moment. "…t?!"
"Would Legolas Greenleaf please come to the information center located at Balin's Tomb." Legolas looked up from his coffee, and felt the attention of every elf, dwarf, hobbit and human in the place focused on him. "Would Legolas Greenleaf please come to the information center." Blushing slightly, he stood and hurried out of the food court, and towards Balin's tomb, avoiding all the curious gazes that followed him. He wondered what could have happened, but was interrupted by another announcement. "Would Legolas Greenleaf *please* come to the information center. It *is* rather important."
As he reached the information center, he was ushered inside. Aragorn and Boromir were sat side-by-side on a bench, in handcuffs, pouting sulkily. An elf and a dwarf, both in policeman's uniform (which Legolas was baffled by) stood at either side of them. As Legolas stared in horror and acute embarrassment, a door opened at the other end of the room, and the hobbits and the Things were hurried inside.
"What on Middle-Earth is going on?"
"Mr Greenleaf, I presume." The elf in the uniform stepped forward.
"Yes, Im Legolas." The elf moved a little closer. "Do you know these… gentlemen?"
"Im sorry to say that I do." He frowned at them all. "What have you done now?"
"These… gentlemen were arrested in the Caverns of Doom for…" The elf looked at a notepad, which he had pulled from his pocket. "Indecent exposure, and assault."
"What?!"
"Hey, that's a bit harsh!" Aragorn piped up.
"Yeah, we dint assault anyone!" Boromir added, shooting Aragorn a dirty look.
"Two young hobbit-girls were assaulted whilst on the Caverns of Doom tour, by…" The elf looked at his notes again. "A large greasy man in a flasher coat and winter boots that exposed himself to them, and another large, but not quite so greasy, man who rather violently attacked them."
"Ah dint!" Boromir stood up. "Honest! I tripped over Aragorn an' fell on em!" He was joined by Aragorn.
"I never 'exposed' myself!" He folded his arms, but failed miserably due to the handcuffs. "My coat fell open! It's not my fault that I was forced to wear these clothes!" Legolas was rubbing his temples and groaning to himself.
"The hobbit-girls…" The elf continued. "Were forced to use self-defense against the attackers."
"Self defense?" Aragorn exclaimed. "They attacked us! Those hobbits are vicious little creatures."
Legolas sat down on a seat that had been helpfully placed behind him.
"And what about them?" He gestured to the hobbits and the Things, who were looked a little sheepish.
"Ah, yes." The elf flipped a few pages in his notebook. "The hobbits, Meriadoc Brandybuck, Peregrin Took and Frodo Baggins were arrested shortly after these gentlemen, for indecent assault and breach of the peace."
"We didn't!" They all chorused at the same time. The elf frowned at them.
"Several hobbits, and an elf, accused these hobbits of…" he coughed gently, "indecently touching them, and acting rather 'drunkenly'."
"We never! We were just…" Pippin started.
"We'd just got off the Cave Troll, and we were a bit dizzy. It's not our fault where our hands went, they shouldn't have been standing there." Merry finished off. Orlando, Elijah, Billy, Dominic, Sean and Sam looked at each other, and tried not to laugh out loud. The elf turned back to Legolas, who had his head in his hands and was taking deep breaths.
"Of course, these are serious charges." Legolas looked up at him, then stood up.
"Could I have a word?" The elf looked at him a little suspiciously, then let Legolas lead him to a corner. The others watched in interest as they talked quietly. Legolas rested his hand on the other elf's arm. It all seemed rather informal. Then they both walked back.
"Well…" The elf smiled at Legolas. "I'm sure we can… let this drop. But I'll have to ban you from Moria Land of course."
"Of course." Legolas waited impatiently as Boromir and Aragorn's handcuffs were taken off, and they were herded to the back door. The police-elf waved them off.
As they trudged down the dark hallway towards the way out (handily marked with a large white and green sign saying 'exit'), Sean walked over to Legolas.
"What did you say to him?" Legolas sighed.
"Not much. Oh, remind me, if we save the world, I've got a dinner date waiting for me." Sean gave him a surprised look then burst into laughter and hurried to tell the others about it. Aragorn sidled up to the elf.
"Legolas I…"
"Don't Aragorn. Just… Don't" The elf hurried ahead, leaving the man staring after him.