Chapter One: "The Day I Lost It All"
Abby Lockhart
It hadn't been my year. No year in my life was ever my year - but things had gotten
decidedly worse in the year since Lucy died. Addiction, obsession, destructive
relationships and Mom's traumatic return had all served to combine very
potently. It came to the point I thought I was losing my mind. Little did I know then that it
was about to get worse.
County General Hospital: 14/2/02, 9:55am
I'd been on since 6 am and was exhausted already. At least I knew why now. I rubbed my eyes and reached towards the coffee pot with one hand. I needed this break, more than anyone else knew. It hadn't been a particularily remarkable morning so far, except that it was a year ago today Lucy died. I'm sure that was a fact we were all better off trying to forget. Another year gone around and still life wasn't any easier.
"Hey,"
My mind was elsewhere, namely on the test results I'd just recieved. Things had just gone horribly, horribly wrong. This shouldn't happen to me now. I wasn't aware of the other person until they spoke.
"Hi,"
I tried to sound dismissive, but it was difficult. Truth was I did want to tell someone, talk to someone. If I couldn't tell him, who could I tell? Carter was the best friend I'd had in a long time.
"You alright?"
I could hear the concern but couldn't quite form the words to explain my distraction. This shouldn't happen to me and especially not now. Was it that obvious something was wrong? He could read me like a book. I should really have worked on hiding things better.
"Not really,"
"Care to share?"
He sat at the table behind me. I felt the piece of paper in my pocket, burning away at me guiltily. Nervously, I unfolded it and laid it on the table in front of him.
"Oh,"
He sounded disappointed in me.
"I know, I know,"
I could hear the lecture forming in his throat. I finished making my coffee and turned to look at him.
"When did you..? I mean..."
He never finished his sentence. I never found out what it was he was asking me. I never did hear what he thought. I was thrown to the floor by a small explosion. My hands went instinctively over my ears and moments later, when the movement subsided, I removed them and turned back to Carter. He wasn't there. I only discovered later where he'd gone. Foolish boy! I rose and looked out onto the ER. Fear shot through my heart and diffused slowly into every cell when I realised what had happened, suddenly everything felt very cold. Dust filled the corridors and clogged my nostrils and throat in seconds. Panicked, I crawled along the tiled floor to try and inspect the damage. Breathing was impossible, every limb felt like a lead weight and tears streamed from my irritated eyes. I couldn't see a thing. Evacuation procedures should be underway by now, shouldn't they? I was torn. Save myself or save the patients. I crawled back, saw the walking wounded breaking windows to escape. All this could have taken mere minutes, seconds even, because a second, larger explosion rocked the hospital again. I curled up instinctively, feeling debris rain down on me, glass, dust, plaster. I prayed I wouldn't get buried. Everyone else would be outside by now. They wouldn't be stupid enough to stay inside. They'd had time. They had to have had time. They had to be living. Realistically, in my heart, I knew they were dead or injured, but I willed them to be conscious or alive nonetheless. Once the initial debris fall was over, I recovered myself enough to call out.
"Anyone else there?"
I coughed desperately at the effort and listened intently in the silence that followed. The calls that came were weak, interrupted intermittently by coughing fits, but they were nearby.
"Help, help me,"
I twisted round and lay down. Within 2 feet of me, there was someone. I peered into the shadows. I fought back tears when I saw who it was.
"It's O.K. It's O.K. It's Abby. I'm here,"
My tones were as soothing as my panicked heart could manage. Reassurance wasn't going to work, I wasn't even convincing myself.
"Abby..."
My name came to his throat with some difficulty. My ex-lover pinned to the floor, I could see, by a broken ceiling timber. The wood entered his abdomen just below his ribcage, sloping slightly downwards. Dust continued to fall. I looked up at the walls and ceiling. They could come down at any time. But I couldn't leave him could I? I tried to wriggle closer, but felt pain sear through my left leg. I looked down and saw I was pinned, just below the knee.
"Dammit,"
I cursed quietly.
"How bad is it?"
He choked out, having seen me looking at the wound. It would have been difficult to cover up my shock.
"Oh, I've seen worse,"
I tried to sound light and a small smile crossed his face.
"You can't feel it can you?"
He shook his head sadly. I didn't need to tell him what that meant. I've never felt more helpless in my life than at that moment. Everything he needed to possibly live lay not feet from where we were, but were completely out of reach to me.
"What's going on?"
"I think it was a bomb,"
I answered truthfully. I listened for fire, for the cries of anyone else. Nothing. But the fire was there. And so were the others. Probably dead. I tried not to dwell on that thought, but it was hard. It was hard to keep the pain at bay, to keep the desperation inside. I bit my
tongue, to bring reality back, and took a long, deep breath. I could subconsciously feel my lungs filling up with debris but tried to ignore it. This is no time to lose it, Abby, you're stronger than this, I told myself bitterly over and over.
"Stay with me, Abby,"
His accented voice implored me. I looked down into pained and weary eyes and answered him with my silence. I was carrying his child. How could I leave? My hand sought his through the masonry and I knotted my fingers in his. They were cold and lifeless but it was more for me than for him. I lost track of time sitting there with him, praying he'd stay
awake, knowing he had a chance as long as he was conscious. I was relieved when I heard the emergency services arrive. I was saved. It was far from over, but help was here. I was confused when they didn't enter the building immediately, and got increasingly frustrated
as I felt him slipping further away from me. We had reason to live, it wasn't just my life on the line here, but this baby too. I decided to tell him. I might not get another chance.
"I've got something I've got to tell you...."
I paused nervously, then swallowed hard and continued.
"I don't know if you can hear me. I'm pregnant, 9 weeks,"
"Mine?"
Came the whisper after the moment I imagined it took him to absorb the news. Not the best time to tell him, but if not now then when? I bit back angry words and mock-scolded instead, squeezing his hand lightly.
"Course yours, idiot!"
"I'm sorry, Abby,"
Don't die on me, damn you, don't leave me with your child, I thought angrily, willing him to live. If I'm getting out of here, and I am believe me, I'm taking you with me, damn you, my thoughts raged desperately on in the pause that followed his apology.
"For leaving you alone with my child.."
He finished, gasping a little. Don't give up on life, not just yet, hold on, please, hold on for me.
"Don't say that. You're going nowhere. You'll die an old man, happy and safe, not here, not now,"
The passion in my voice was unmistakable. I wouldn't be a single mother. Especially not in these circumstances. I wasn't giving up, not yet. The emergency services still weren't coming in. I wondered why. Every second lessened his chance of making it.
"Anyone alive in here?"
I blinked in the glare of the flashlight and waved for all I was worth. The fire-fighter saw me and nodded. I have never been more pleased to see anyone in my whole life.
"Helps here,"
The nod was weaker. He was ghostly white. The wound was losing blood by the second that I couldn't help him replace. It was a funny feeling, knowing how to help but being so helpless to do anything. The pain he was in put the knawing pain in my leg to shame.
"Don't die on me O.K?"
I wanted to shake him. The fire-fighters were inside the building when the third explosion hit. Maybe it was a collapsing wall, but it shook the whole building and masonry fell again.
"Can I move this?"
The rescue worker asked, gesturing to the concrete across my leg. I nodded, knowing it was the only way to get out. The concrete fell away with a thwack and I gritted my teeth against the pain. The fire-fighter reached out a hand to me but I shook my head. Stones pelted off my weakened body as I leaned over Luka protectively.
"Abby. Don't die for me,"
He whispered weakly but heroically. I couldn't let him die too.
"You're going to live,"
I was trying not to cry, fighting back nausea. This wasn't real. It wasn't. It was a defiant statement, but increasingly hopeless.
"No, Abby, I'm not. Save yourself, please,"
"I can't leave you,"
"I don't want to leave you either, but go, please,"
The choked whisper was desperate. Instantly my decision, however much I'd go onto regret it, was made. I turned my face to his and kissed his cheek lightly. It was ice cold, I don't doubt I'll remember that touch forever.
"I love you,"
It was almost imperceptible. When I looked again, he'd closed his eyes. I reached out to the fire-fighter who scooped my into his arms and carried me free of the collapsing hospital. The last thing I saw of it was it sink into the ground. I buried my face in my rescuers shoulder and cried helplessly.
Northwestern Emergency Room, 14/2/02 14:12
I awoke later in a quiet room in Northwesterns ER. My first reaction was to think thank God it was all a dream, I've just fainted or something. I thought it was my ER. The door opened and an unfamiliar resident entered and only then did it hit me that maybe it was for real.
"Miss Lockhart,"
He sounded very solemn. I narrowed my eyes suspiciously. My leg was in a cast and it felt very heavy compared to the rest of my body.
"You might feel a little groggy. We had to sedate you,"
He approached the bed slowly. What wasn't he saying? I could see there was something in his eyes, pity perhaps or sympathy. Whatever it was couldn't he just say and stop hesitating.
"The leg isn't badly broken but you'll have to stay off it for a while."
"And?"
I said bitterly, interrupting him.
"There's something we should tell you,"
"Yes,"
"The man you were with when you were found. They didn't get him out in time. I've very sorry,"
It wasn't a surprise but grief still hit like a speeding bullet, shattering into my heart. Who else had I lost? How much of my life had been destroyed today? I needed to know.
"Who else...? Is there anyone else alive?"
I managed to gasp out over tears.
"Yes. 4 besides you so far,"
There was some relief in that statement, but not enough.
"Who?"
I asked. I didn't want to hear this. All my suspicions were about to be confirmed and I wasn't sure I was altogether ready for it. The doctor glanced down at the chart in his hand briefly.
"I'm afraid I don't have names. You should rest,"
Tell me he's alive. Just tell me Carter lived, that's all I want to hear. I don't need to be treated like a child. Tell me, I demanded silently, tell me either way.
"Are they still looking?"
The resident nodded. It was at least 3 hours since the collapse. I knew the chances of them finding anyone under there alive was fading by the second. Nothing can take away your hope in that situation though, nothing can stop you from wanting a miracle, from needing the impossible.
Time passed interminably slowly for me those hours. Sitting there, helplessly waiting for the confirmation of my nightmares. Unable to move, unable to speak, practically unable to breathe. The weight of knowing there was absoutely nothing you could do but wait was crushing. News filtered in slowly from the site. I saw body bags pushed past my window on their way to the morgue and I longed to know if one of them was my best friend. The pain of not knowing was too much. I didn't care how much losing him would hurt, this was far worse. Part of me already knew I'd lost him, a nagging voice in my head told me they wouldn't get anyone else out of that alive now.
In those hours, my mind was on myself and not on my baby. I could feel it had survived. Something in me drove me to believe life couldn't be that cruel. However hard it was going to be, I knew in those hours I'd keep it. It wasn't a conscious decision as such, just something I knew. I left its father to die, I couldn't let it go too.
I tried not to blame myself for what happened to Luka, but I kept coming back to the fact I left him. If I hadn't, we'd all be dead. None of this was my fault. Logically, I knew that, but blames easier to place on yourself than elsewhere. I used to complain I barely had time
to breathe, let alone think. Now I've thought enough for a lifetime. All the same grim, painful thoughts. Eventually, at 16:30, the news came I'd been dreading. Confirmation of all my nightmares. They'd pulled two bodies from the wreckage together - Cleo's and Carter's. And right there and then, my world caved in on me.
Abby Lockhart
It hadn't been my year. No year in my life was ever my year - but things had gotten
decidedly worse in the year since Lucy died. Addiction, obsession, destructive
relationships and Mom's traumatic return had all served to combine very
potently. It came to the point I thought I was losing my mind. Little did I know then that it
was about to get worse.
County General Hospital: 14/2/02, 9:55am
I'd been on since 6 am and was exhausted already. At least I knew why now. I rubbed my eyes and reached towards the coffee pot with one hand. I needed this break, more than anyone else knew. It hadn't been a particularily remarkable morning so far, except that it was a year ago today Lucy died. I'm sure that was a fact we were all better off trying to forget. Another year gone around and still life wasn't any easier.
"Hey,"
My mind was elsewhere, namely on the test results I'd just recieved. Things had just gone horribly, horribly wrong. This shouldn't happen to me now. I wasn't aware of the other person until they spoke.
"Hi,"
I tried to sound dismissive, but it was difficult. Truth was I did want to tell someone, talk to someone. If I couldn't tell him, who could I tell? Carter was the best friend I'd had in a long time.
"You alright?"
I could hear the concern but couldn't quite form the words to explain my distraction. This shouldn't happen to me and especially not now. Was it that obvious something was wrong? He could read me like a book. I should really have worked on hiding things better.
"Not really,"
"Care to share?"
He sat at the table behind me. I felt the piece of paper in my pocket, burning away at me guiltily. Nervously, I unfolded it and laid it on the table in front of him.
"Oh,"
He sounded disappointed in me.
"I know, I know,"
I could hear the lecture forming in his throat. I finished making my coffee and turned to look at him.
"When did you..? I mean..."
He never finished his sentence. I never found out what it was he was asking me. I never did hear what he thought. I was thrown to the floor by a small explosion. My hands went instinctively over my ears and moments later, when the movement subsided, I removed them and turned back to Carter. He wasn't there. I only discovered later where he'd gone. Foolish boy! I rose and looked out onto the ER. Fear shot through my heart and diffused slowly into every cell when I realised what had happened, suddenly everything felt very cold. Dust filled the corridors and clogged my nostrils and throat in seconds. Panicked, I crawled along the tiled floor to try and inspect the damage. Breathing was impossible, every limb felt like a lead weight and tears streamed from my irritated eyes. I couldn't see a thing. Evacuation procedures should be underway by now, shouldn't they? I was torn. Save myself or save the patients. I crawled back, saw the walking wounded breaking windows to escape. All this could have taken mere minutes, seconds even, because a second, larger explosion rocked the hospital again. I curled up instinctively, feeling debris rain down on me, glass, dust, plaster. I prayed I wouldn't get buried. Everyone else would be outside by now. They wouldn't be stupid enough to stay inside. They'd had time. They had to have had time. They had to be living. Realistically, in my heart, I knew they were dead or injured, but I willed them to be conscious or alive nonetheless. Once the initial debris fall was over, I recovered myself enough to call out.
"Anyone else there?"
I coughed desperately at the effort and listened intently in the silence that followed. The calls that came were weak, interrupted intermittently by coughing fits, but they were nearby.
"Help, help me,"
I twisted round and lay down. Within 2 feet of me, there was someone. I peered into the shadows. I fought back tears when I saw who it was.
"It's O.K. It's O.K. It's Abby. I'm here,"
My tones were as soothing as my panicked heart could manage. Reassurance wasn't going to work, I wasn't even convincing myself.
"Abby..."
My name came to his throat with some difficulty. My ex-lover pinned to the floor, I could see, by a broken ceiling timber. The wood entered his abdomen just below his ribcage, sloping slightly downwards. Dust continued to fall. I looked up at the walls and ceiling. They could come down at any time. But I couldn't leave him could I? I tried to wriggle closer, but felt pain sear through my left leg. I looked down and saw I was pinned, just below the knee.
"Dammit,"
I cursed quietly.
"How bad is it?"
He choked out, having seen me looking at the wound. It would have been difficult to cover up my shock.
"Oh, I've seen worse,"
I tried to sound light and a small smile crossed his face.
"You can't feel it can you?"
He shook his head sadly. I didn't need to tell him what that meant. I've never felt more helpless in my life than at that moment. Everything he needed to possibly live lay not feet from where we were, but were completely out of reach to me.
"What's going on?"
"I think it was a bomb,"
I answered truthfully. I listened for fire, for the cries of anyone else. Nothing. But the fire was there. And so were the others. Probably dead. I tried not to dwell on that thought, but it was hard. It was hard to keep the pain at bay, to keep the desperation inside. I bit my
tongue, to bring reality back, and took a long, deep breath. I could subconsciously feel my lungs filling up with debris but tried to ignore it. This is no time to lose it, Abby, you're stronger than this, I told myself bitterly over and over.
"Stay with me, Abby,"
His accented voice implored me. I looked down into pained and weary eyes and answered him with my silence. I was carrying his child. How could I leave? My hand sought his through the masonry and I knotted my fingers in his. They were cold and lifeless but it was more for me than for him. I lost track of time sitting there with him, praying he'd stay
awake, knowing he had a chance as long as he was conscious. I was relieved when I heard the emergency services arrive. I was saved. It was far from over, but help was here. I was confused when they didn't enter the building immediately, and got increasingly frustrated
as I felt him slipping further away from me. We had reason to live, it wasn't just my life on the line here, but this baby too. I decided to tell him. I might not get another chance.
"I've got something I've got to tell you...."
I paused nervously, then swallowed hard and continued.
"I don't know if you can hear me. I'm pregnant, 9 weeks,"
"Mine?"
Came the whisper after the moment I imagined it took him to absorb the news. Not the best time to tell him, but if not now then when? I bit back angry words and mock-scolded instead, squeezing his hand lightly.
"Course yours, idiot!"
"I'm sorry, Abby,"
Don't die on me, damn you, don't leave me with your child, I thought angrily, willing him to live. If I'm getting out of here, and I am believe me, I'm taking you with me, damn you, my thoughts raged desperately on in the pause that followed his apology.
"For leaving you alone with my child.."
He finished, gasping a little. Don't give up on life, not just yet, hold on, please, hold on for me.
"Don't say that. You're going nowhere. You'll die an old man, happy and safe, not here, not now,"
The passion in my voice was unmistakable. I wouldn't be a single mother. Especially not in these circumstances. I wasn't giving up, not yet. The emergency services still weren't coming in. I wondered why. Every second lessened his chance of making it.
"Anyone alive in here?"
I blinked in the glare of the flashlight and waved for all I was worth. The fire-fighter saw me and nodded. I have never been more pleased to see anyone in my whole life.
"Helps here,"
The nod was weaker. He was ghostly white. The wound was losing blood by the second that I couldn't help him replace. It was a funny feeling, knowing how to help but being so helpless to do anything. The pain he was in put the knawing pain in my leg to shame.
"Don't die on me O.K?"
I wanted to shake him. The fire-fighters were inside the building when the third explosion hit. Maybe it was a collapsing wall, but it shook the whole building and masonry fell again.
"Can I move this?"
The rescue worker asked, gesturing to the concrete across my leg. I nodded, knowing it was the only way to get out. The concrete fell away with a thwack and I gritted my teeth against the pain. The fire-fighter reached out a hand to me but I shook my head. Stones pelted off my weakened body as I leaned over Luka protectively.
"Abby. Don't die for me,"
He whispered weakly but heroically. I couldn't let him die too.
"You're going to live,"
I was trying not to cry, fighting back nausea. This wasn't real. It wasn't. It was a defiant statement, but increasingly hopeless.
"No, Abby, I'm not. Save yourself, please,"
"I can't leave you,"
"I don't want to leave you either, but go, please,"
The choked whisper was desperate. Instantly my decision, however much I'd go onto regret it, was made. I turned my face to his and kissed his cheek lightly. It was ice cold, I don't doubt I'll remember that touch forever.
"I love you,"
It was almost imperceptible. When I looked again, he'd closed his eyes. I reached out to the fire-fighter who scooped my into his arms and carried me free of the collapsing hospital. The last thing I saw of it was it sink into the ground. I buried my face in my rescuers shoulder and cried helplessly.
Northwestern Emergency Room, 14/2/02 14:12
I awoke later in a quiet room in Northwesterns ER. My first reaction was to think thank God it was all a dream, I've just fainted or something. I thought it was my ER. The door opened and an unfamiliar resident entered and only then did it hit me that maybe it was for real.
"Miss Lockhart,"
He sounded very solemn. I narrowed my eyes suspiciously. My leg was in a cast and it felt very heavy compared to the rest of my body.
"You might feel a little groggy. We had to sedate you,"
He approached the bed slowly. What wasn't he saying? I could see there was something in his eyes, pity perhaps or sympathy. Whatever it was couldn't he just say and stop hesitating.
"The leg isn't badly broken but you'll have to stay off it for a while."
"And?"
I said bitterly, interrupting him.
"There's something we should tell you,"
"Yes,"
"The man you were with when you were found. They didn't get him out in time. I've very sorry,"
It wasn't a surprise but grief still hit like a speeding bullet, shattering into my heart. Who else had I lost? How much of my life had been destroyed today? I needed to know.
"Who else...? Is there anyone else alive?"
I managed to gasp out over tears.
"Yes. 4 besides you so far,"
There was some relief in that statement, but not enough.
"Who?"
I asked. I didn't want to hear this. All my suspicions were about to be confirmed and I wasn't sure I was altogether ready for it. The doctor glanced down at the chart in his hand briefly.
"I'm afraid I don't have names. You should rest,"
Tell me he's alive. Just tell me Carter lived, that's all I want to hear. I don't need to be treated like a child. Tell me, I demanded silently, tell me either way.
"Are they still looking?"
The resident nodded. It was at least 3 hours since the collapse. I knew the chances of them finding anyone under there alive was fading by the second. Nothing can take away your hope in that situation though, nothing can stop you from wanting a miracle, from needing the impossible.
Time passed interminably slowly for me those hours. Sitting there, helplessly waiting for the confirmation of my nightmares. Unable to move, unable to speak, practically unable to breathe. The weight of knowing there was absoutely nothing you could do but wait was crushing. News filtered in slowly from the site. I saw body bags pushed past my window on their way to the morgue and I longed to know if one of them was my best friend. The pain of not knowing was too much. I didn't care how much losing him would hurt, this was far worse. Part of me already knew I'd lost him, a nagging voice in my head told me they wouldn't get anyone else out of that alive now.
In those hours, my mind was on myself and not on my baby. I could feel it had survived. Something in me drove me to believe life couldn't be that cruel. However hard it was going to be, I knew in those hours I'd keep it. It wasn't a conscious decision as such, just something I knew. I left its father to die, I couldn't let it go too.
I tried not to blame myself for what happened to Luka, but I kept coming back to the fact I left him. If I hadn't, we'd all be dead. None of this was my fault. Logically, I knew that, but blames easier to place on yourself than elsewhere. I used to complain I barely had time
to breathe, let alone think. Now I've thought enough for a lifetime. All the same grim, painful thoughts. Eventually, at 16:30, the news came I'd been dreading. Confirmation of all my nightmares. They'd pulled two bodies from the wreckage together - Cleo's and Carter's. And right there and then, my world caved in on me.