Well, another chapter. I had trouble writing this one, let me tell ya.
Ooooh, twas nasty, twas. But, its here now. Hope ya like it.
If any of you reading this have not seen the Full Monty act, then why not? You are all sad and boring people! Now, for those who have, let yourself imagine the pure and utter niceness that the mere mention of the words 'Sam' and 'Full Monty' bring.
Oh, I'm not sure if tasselly is a word. If not… then it is now.
Laura, thankyou for helping me come up with the 'I know what it is you ate' line. Me loves you muchly, me does *cheesy grin*.
No, I do NOT like Celeborn. The line that mentions Celeborn and handcuffs is especially for all those who DO like Celeborn… I like Elrond. Got it? Good.
I love Father Ted! (Well, not actually Father Ted. I love Dougal cos hes so adorable. I mean the program…)
IMPORTANT! Well, it is to us, but… ah well…. We, Laura and I (ie The Entity), have a website! A whoop de doo! Its http://hand_of_gondor.tripod.com
Its got all of What is going on?, Of Lazy Days And Spaghetti Balrogs, Spin the hobbit… well, basically everything we've written. Including something that we haven't posted on ff.net (ooh, aren't you excited? Well, aren't you?) Its still pretty basic at the moment, but do not worry your little noggins! Im still working on it! Pleeeeeeeease visit! Pleeeeeeeease!
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Everything was very bright when Frodo regained consciousness. He groaned and closed his eyes again, rolling over to bump against something warm and cuddly. He sighed and snuggled against the warm cuddly thing, only to hear
"Good morning Mr Frodo." Frodo's eyes shot open and he sat up.
"Sam... Oh my head hurts." He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his hand to his forehead.
"Someone spiked the punch." Sam explained. When Frodo managed to open his eyes without the urge to dig a hole and crawl into it, he realised they were in the large clearing below the stage... er, flet. He was still wearing his minidress, though it now had a large split up one side and he was revealing a little more than he intended. He blushed and grabbed Sam's blanket in an effort to protect his modesty.
"Sam... where are you flares?" Sam blushed and looked around for something to cover himself with.
"Um, they're in that tree. They got caught in it after the Full Monty act... when they pulled us onstage.... remember Mr Frodo?" Frodo groaned and rubbed his eyes.
"Sam, what happened last night?" Sam took a deep breath and started to tell him.
Aragorn woke up when his pillow started to move. He raised his head and looked up blearily.
"Mornin' Strider."
"Boromir... we had sex, didnt we?"
"Yep, I'm fairly sure we 'ad sex. Yeah."
"Oh..." Aragorn sat and looked around. He was, for some reason he didn't want to think about, still wearing his tatty jeans from the builders outfit, but the white vest had disappeared somewhere. Boromir was pulling his leather tasselly trousers back on. Feathers were scattered round the clearing. "Feathers?"
"The 'eaddress. You said I 'ad to wear it. Remember?" Boromir looked round for his leather tasselly waistcoat. Aragorn groaned and rubbed his eyes. "Come on Strider, better be gettin' back."
Dominic was looking for Billy. He hadn't been seen since he'd disappeared the night before, and Dominic was getting distraught. He eventually found him wandering back towards the large flet, swaying as he walked.
"Billy!" He ran up and took hold of his arm, as Billy looked in serious danger of falling flat on his face.
"Dom… I don't think we should stay around here." Billy grabbed Dominic's arm and started to pull him along.
"Billy, you okay?" Dominic stopped and turned to face his friend, gripping his arms as he studied him. "You look a little paler than usual."
"Yeah… I'm fine. Come on." Billy tried to step from Dom's grasp.
"Billy…" Dominic warned and Billy sighed gently, stopping his useless struggling.
"Well… last night I… I wasn't feeling too well and I… well I felt sick… and I could only find that mirror thing and…" Dominic's eyes widened.
"You were…"
"Dom, Billy?" Aragorn stuck his head out from between the trees. "Come on." Billy and Dominic shared a furtive glance, then followed the ranger to the now infamous clearing. They passed Elijah and Orlando making out behind the statues at the top of the stairs and they stopped briefly to wave at them. The others were standing around the clearing, hands in their pockets. Legolas had apparently been pulled away from Haldir and was frowning sulkily, kicking at the leaves lying around the floor. Frodo was slowly but surely backing away from the centre, only stopping when Boromir grabbed his arm. Galadriel was stood at the stream-waterfall-y thing, filling a jug with some water. She was still dressed in the floaty white dress from the night before, but her hair had considerably calmed down, now only with a little bit of frizz that insisted on sticking up in the air. Billy and Dominic hurried to join them, just as Galadriel turned around holding the jug.
"Will you look into the mirror?" She asked, though no-one was entirely sure who it was she was talking to. Dominic regarded the 'mirror' skeptically.
"It's a birdbath." He said.
"It is not a birdbath, it is a mirror."
"Birdbath."
"Mirror."
"Birdbath."
"MIRROR!" Galadriel lost her temper and seemed to grow and contort before them. Everyone turned an odd blue/green colour. After a few minutes of indecipherable ranting, she stopped foaming at the mouth and calmed down a little. The blue/green colour disappeared. Frodo whimpered from where he was hiding behind Sam, clutching Sam's Frying Pan of Death. Sam gently coaxed it from his hand, and hugged the smaller hobbit to his chest. Frodo whimpered again.
"I'll ask you again, will you look into the mirror?" Galadriel asked, glaring at Dominic, who stuck his tongue out at her.
"What will I see?" Frodo whimpered as Sam shoved him forward.
"Even the wisest cannot tell…" Galadriel stepped forward. Frodo shrieked and darted back behind Sam. Galadriel stopped; glancing down at the bowl as she held the jug up, ready to pour the water into it. She paused then turned to look at Billy, who was trying to merge into a tree. "I know what it is you ate." She said and Billy had the sudden urge to dig a very deep hole and lay in it. When he dared look up at the Lady, she was watching him whilst radiating an air of quiet disgust. Then she turned back to Frodo.
"The Author is gaining power Frodo…"
"So? What's that got to do with me?" Galadriel paused then addressed them all.
"The quest stands upon…"
"The edge of a knife, yeah yeah we know." Dominic snapped and Aragorn hit him over the head, "Touch me again *Strider* and I don't fancy your chances of ever being a father." He growled.
"The Author…" Galadriel said loudly, "is getting stronger by the day. These delays only serve to increase the Authors power." She gave them a meaningful look. "You can delay no longer."
"My Lady…" Aragorn started, stepping forward.
"Aragorn, I suggest you do not anger me any further. I am rapidly losing my patience with you." Galadriel glared at the man until he backed away again, going noticeably paler. "I will help you all I can…" She said to them all. "Which basically means I'm gonna give you some junk I was gonna throw out anyway, chuck you into some boats and send you to your almost certain untimely deaths…" She glanced at Boromir, who was watching Frodo try to bury headfirst into the floor with interest. "Again."
Aragorn and Boromir sat side by side on a tree root. Well, sat isn't really the word. Boromir was actually leaning against Aragorn, who was leaning against the tree. The younger man was getting most annoyed with his uncooperative pillow.
"For 'eavens sake Strider, go to sleep." He smacked the nearest part of the ranger (his chest…. Not any other part… oh god, the trench thoughts are back) and shut his eyes again.
"I will find no rest here." Boromir groaned and sat up.
"Lemme guess, you 'eard a voice in yer 'ead…"
"I heard a voice inside my hea… Do you mind?" Boromir rolled his eyes. "The Lady… I don't think she likes me."
"Don't blame 'er."
"Boromir!"
"Sorry." Boromir picked at something in his teeth. "What makes you think that then?"
"Oh, she threatened to hang me from a tree by my ankles…"
"What's so wrong with that?"
"Inside out."
"Oh." Boromir looked thoughtful. "Y'know, I don't think she likes you." Aragorn gritted his teeth.
"I know. I said that to you…
"You did? I don't remem… Hey, we're in a forest!" Boromir looked round in excitement. Aragorn put his head in his hands and groaned.
The next day, the Fellowship were helping to load the boats up with the supplies they needed. Well, the Things weren't. Elijah and Orlando still hadn't reappeared from the previous night, Dominic was sitting with Billy on his lap, and was stroking Billy's stomach (and discovering that Billy could actually purr) and Sean was swapping parenting tips with Celeborn, who was still playing with the handcuffs from the police uniform. Legolas and Haldir were having a tearful farewell, with much hugging and kissing of cheeks and lots of 'don't be a stranger darling', 'oh, you will come visit me soon wont you?' and 'we shall just have to go to Rohan, I hear the fashion there is to die for'. The hobbits were busy stuffing as much food down their trousers as they could lay their grubby little mits on. So, it was actually just Aragorn and Boromir filling the boats up. Then Lady Galadriel arrived with their gifts (followed by Elijah and Orlando, still hurriedly getting dressed). To each of the Things, she gave a little booklet entitled 'How to Survive in Middle Earth'; to the hobbits, knitted woollen cloaks each with their initials on (that were not made especially. She happened to have three nephews and a niece with names that began with F, S, M and P. Unfortunately, P was a girl, which is why Pippins cloak was pink); to Legolas she gave a little archery set, and a hat (which automatically made the words 'Robin Hood' spring to mind); and to the Men, she gave new clothes, (because honestly, Aragorn could not go around in a builders outfit, or Merry's clothes the rest of the trip, could he? And Boromir was not going to wear tasselly leather, or the clothes he had died in. They were beginning to smell). Unfortunately however, the only clothes that fitted them were Celeborn's, so they set off in drapy silver things that looked like several sarongs wrapped round them, complete with silver leggings, and intricate belts (the others spent the whole trip calling them 'Celegorn', and 'Celomir').
As the fellowship left in their little boats, several random Lorien Posing Elves (which were very useful at events for making the place look a little more up market) waved them off. Galadriel however, was a little more interested in the prospect of Celeborn, handcuffs and an entire wood full of lovely male elves at her disposal.
Aragorn, sat behind Legolas for some reason beyond him, finally worked up the courage to ask the elf something.
"Legolas?"
"Yes Aragorn?"
"You and Haldir…"
"Yes?"
"Are you… together?"
"Me and Haldir?"
"Yes."
"No."
"No?"
"Yes."
"Yes you are?
"No, yes we're not."
"No, you are?"
"No, we're not."
"Ah." There was silence for a while. "Then how come you were…"
"Hes my best friend."
"Oh. But you were so…"
"Affectionate?"
"Yes. And hes so…"
"Camp?"
"Yes."
"That's just who he is. Hes the straightest elf I know." Aragorn stared at the back of Legolas' head.
"Really?"
"Yes. Hes got a girlfriend."
"Oh." Aragorn looked round at the others, who apparently were having just as interesting conversations." So you two have never…"
"Once. That's how I know he's straight."
"Oh… little too much information there…" Legolas just smiled and started paddling.
If any of you reading this have not seen the Full Monty act, then why not? You are all sad and boring people! Now, for those who have, let yourself imagine the pure and utter niceness that the mere mention of the words 'Sam' and 'Full Monty' bring.
Oh, I'm not sure if tasselly is a word. If not… then it is now.
Laura, thankyou for helping me come up with the 'I know what it is you ate' line. Me loves you muchly, me does *cheesy grin*.
No, I do NOT like Celeborn. The line that mentions Celeborn and handcuffs is especially for all those who DO like Celeborn… I like Elrond. Got it? Good.
I love Father Ted! (Well, not actually Father Ted. I love Dougal cos hes so adorable. I mean the program…)
IMPORTANT! Well, it is to us, but… ah well…. We, Laura and I (ie The Entity), have a website! A whoop de doo! Its http://hand_of_gondor.tripod.com
Its got all of What is going on?, Of Lazy Days And Spaghetti Balrogs, Spin the hobbit… well, basically everything we've written. Including something that we haven't posted on ff.net (ooh, aren't you excited? Well, aren't you?) Its still pretty basic at the moment, but do not worry your little noggins! Im still working on it! Pleeeeeeeease visit! Pleeeeeeeease!
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Everything was very bright when Frodo regained consciousness. He groaned and closed his eyes again, rolling over to bump against something warm and cuddly. He sighed and snuggled against the warm cuddly thing, only to hear
"Good morning Mr Frodo." Frodo's eyes shot open and he sat up.
"Sam... Oh my head hurts." He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his hand to his forehead.
"Someone spiked the punch." Sam explained. When Frodo managed to open his eyes without the urge to dig a hole and crawl into it, he realised they were in the large clearing below the stage... er, flet. He was still wearing his minidress, though it now had a large split up one side and he was revealing a little more than he intended. He blushed and grabbed Sam's blanket in an effort to protect his modesty.
"Sam... where are you flares?" Sam blushed and looked around for something to cover himself with.
"Um, they're in that tree. They got caught in it after the Full Monty act... when they pulled us onstage.... remember Mr Frodo?" Frodo groaned and rubbed his eyes.
"Sam, what happened last night?" Sam took a deep breath and started to tell him.
Aragorn woke up when his pillow started to move. He raised his head and looked up blearily.
"Mornin' Strider."
"Boromir... we had sex, didnt we?"
"Yep, I'm fairly sure we 'ad sex. Yeah."
"Oh..." Aragorn sat and looked around. He was, for some reason he didn't want to think about, still wearing his tatty jeans from the builders outfit, but the white vest had disappeared somewhere. Boromir was pulling his leather tasselly trousers back on. Feathers were scattered round the clearing. "Feathers?"
"The 'eaddress. You said I 'ad to wear it. Remember?" Boromir looked round for his leather tasselly waistcoat. Aragorn groaned and rubbed his eyes. "Come on Strider, better be gettin' back."
Dominic was looking for Billy. He hadn't been seen since he'd disappeared the night before, and Dominic was getting distraught. He eventually found him wandering back towards the large flet, swaying as he walked.
"Billy!" He ran up and took hold of his arm, as Billy looked in serious danger of falling flat on his face.
"Dom… I don't think we should stay around here." Billy grabbed Dominic's arm and started to pull him along.
"Billy, you okay?" Dominic stopped and turned to face his friend, gripping his arms as he studied him. "You look a little paler than usual."
"Yeah… I'm fine. Come on." Billy tried to step from Dom's grasp.
"Billy…" Dominic warned and Billy sighed gently, stopping his useless struggling.
"Well… last night I… I wasn't feeling too well and I… well I felt sick… and I could only find that mirror thing and…" Dominic's eyes widened.
"You were…"
"Dom, Billy?" Aragorn stuck his head out from between the trees. "Come on." Billy and Dominic shared a furtive glance, then followed the ranger to the now infamous clearing. They passed Elijah and Orlando making out behind the statues at the top of the stairs and they stopped briefly to wave at them. The others were standing around the clearing, hands in their pockets. Legolas had apparently been pulled away from Haldir and was frowning sulkily, kicking at the leaves lying around the floor. Frodo was slowly but surely backing away from the centre, only stopping when Boromir grabbed his arm. Galadriel was stood at the stream-waterfall-y thing, filling a jug with some water. She was still dressed in the floaty white dress from the night before, but her hair had considerably calmed down, now only with a little bit of frizz that insisted on sticking up in the air. Billy and Dominic hurried to join them, just as Galadriel turned around holding the jug.
"Will you look into the mirror?" She asked, though no-one was entirely sure who it was she was talking to. Dominic regarded the 'mirror' skeptically.
"It's a birdbath." He said.
"It is not a birdbath, it is a mirror."
"Birdbath."
"Mirror."
"Birdbath."
"MIRROR!" Galadriel lost her temper and seemed to grow and contort before them. Everyone turned an odd blue/green colour. After a few minutes of indecipherable ranting, she stopped foaming at the mouth and calmed down a little. The blue/green colour disappeared. Frodo whimpered from where he was hiding behind Sam, clutching Sam's Frying Pan of Death. Sam gently coaxed it from his hand, and hugged the smaller hobbit to his chest. Frodo whimpered again.
"I'll ask you again, will you look into the mirror?" Galadriel asked, glaring at Dominic, who stuck his tongue out at her.
"What will I see?" Frodo whimpered as Sam shoved him forward.
"Even the wisest cannot tell…" Galadriel stepped forward. Frodo shrieked and darted back behind Sam. Galadriel stopped; glancing down at the bowl as she held the jug up, ready to pour the water into it. She paused then turned to look at Billy, who was trying to merge into a tree. "I know what it is you ate." She said and Billy had the sudden urge to dig a very deep hole and lay in it. When he dared look up at the Lady, she was watching him whilst radiating an air of quiet disgust. Then she turned back to Frodo.
"The Author is gaining power Frodo…"
"So? What's that got to do with me?" Galadriel paused then addressed them all.
"The quest stands upon…"
"The edge of a knife, yeah yeah we know." Dominic snapped and Aragorn hit him over the head, "Touch me again *Strider* and I don't fancy your chances of ever being a father." He growled.
"The Author…" Galadriel said loudly, "is getting stronger by the day. These delays only serve to increase the Authors power." She gave them a meaningful look. "You can delay no longer."
"My Lady…" Aragorn started, stepping forward.
"Aragorn, I suggest you do not anger me any further. I am rapidly losing my patience with you." Galadriel glared at the man until he backed away again, going noticeably paler. "I will help you all I can…" She said to them all. "Which basically means I'm gonna give you some junk I was gonna throw out anyway, chuck you into some boats and send you to your almost certain untimely deaths…" She glanced at Boromir, who was watching Frodo try to bury headfirst into the floor with interest. "Again."
Aragorn and Boromir sat side by side on a tree root. Well, sat isn't really the word. Boromir was actually leaning against Aragorn, who was leaning against the tree. The younger man was getting most annoyed with his uncooperative pillow.
"For 'eavens sake Strider, go to sleep." He smacked the nearest part of the ranger (his chest…. Not any other part… oh god, the trench thoughts are back) and shut his eyes again.
"I will find no rest here." Boromir groaned and sat up.
"Lemme guess, you 'eard a voice in yer 'ead…"
"I heard a voice inside my hea… Do you mind?" Boromir rolled his eyes. "The Lady… I don't think she likes me."
"Don't blame 'er."
"Boromir!"
"Sorry." Boromir picked at something in his teeth. "What makes you think that then?"
"Oh, she threatened to hang me from a tree by my ankles…"
"What's so wrong with that?"
"Inside out."
"Oh." Boromir looked thoughtful. "Y'know, I don't think she likes you." Aragorn gritted his teeth.
"I know. I said that to you…
"You did? I don't remem… Hey, we're in a forest!" Boromir looked round in excitement. Aragorn put his head in his hands and groaned.
The next day, the Fellowship were helping to load the boats up with the supplies they needed. Well, the Things weren't. Elijah and Orlando still hadn't reappeared from the previous night, Dominic was sitting with Billy on his lap, and was stroking Billy's stomach (and discovering that Billy could actually purr) and Sean was swapping parenting tips with Celeborn, who was still playing with the handcuffs from the police uniform. Legolas and Haldir were having a tearful farewell, with much hugging and kissing of cheeks and lots of 'don't be a stranger darling', 'oh, you will come visit me soon wont you?' and 'we shall just have to go to Rohan, I hear the fashion there is to die for'. The hobbits were busy stuffing as much food down their trousers as they could lay their grubby little mits on. So, it was actually just Aragorn and Boromir filling the boats up. Then Lady Galadriel arrived with their gifts (followed by Elijah and Orlando, still hurriedly getting dressed). To each of the Things, she gave a little booklet entitled 'How to Survive in Middle Earth'; to the hobbits, knitted woollen cloaks each with their initials on (that were not made especially. She happened to have three nephews and a niece with names that began with F, S, M and P. Unfortunately, P was a girl, which is why Pippins cloak was pink); to Legolas she gave a little archery set, and a hat (which automatically made the words 'Robin Hood' spring to mind); and to the Men, she gave new clothes, (because honestly, Aragorn could not go around in a builders outfit, or Merry's clothes the rest of the trip, could he? And Boromir was not going to wear tasselly leather, or the clothes he had died in. They were beginning to smell). Unfortunately however, the only clothes that fitted them were Celeborn's, so they set off in drapy silver things that looked like several sarongs wrapped round them, complete with silver leggings, and intricate belts (the others spent the whole trip calling them 'Celegorn', and 'Celomir').
As the fellowship left in their little boats, several random Lorien Posing Elves (which were very useful at events for making the place look a little more up market) waved them off. Galadriel however, was a little more interested in the prospect of Celeborn, handcuffs and an entire wood full of lovely male elves at her disposal.
Aragorn, sat behind Legolas for some reason beyond him, finally worked up the courage to ask the elf something.
"Legolas?"
"Yes Aragorn?"
"You and Haldir…"
"Yes?"
"Are you… together?"
"Me and Haldir?"
"Yes."
"No."
"No?"
"Yes."
"Yes you are?
"No, yes we're not."
"No, you are?"
"No, we're not."
"Ah." There was silence for a while. "Then how come you were…"
"Hes my best friend."
"Oh. But you were so…"
"Affectionate?"
"Yes. And hes so…"
"Camp?"
"Yes."
"That's just who he is. Hes the straightest elf I know." Aragorn stared at the back of Legolas' head.
"Really?"
"Yes. Hes got a girlfriend."
"Oh." Aragorn looked round at the others, who apparently were having just as interesting conversations." So you two have never…"
"Once. That's how I know he's straight."
"Oh… little too much information there…" Legolas just smiled and started paddling.