Well, well, well, considering the whole 'ff.net has to annoy me by packin'
up all of a sudden', and my muse running off with that hussy, Laura's rant,
its been a while, ain't it? But! Here I am again, with the next chapter,
finally, of me beloved wigo. so, this is where the story goes COMPLETELY
au, not just a little. though technically, it's all au, so why am I even
writing this? Who knows?
To my brother Craig, who is almost as crazy as I am. Thanks for the ideas. He'll never read this story anyway.
And neither will my mother, but thanks to her anyway for understanding all my dark and deeply disturbing feelings about everything in particular. Oh, and not threatening to disown me for coming home almost blind drunk and collapsing on her for two solid hours at midnight-ish when I had to work 8 hours the next day. And also for not taunting me when the worst hangover in the history of nasty hangovers got me. And then I had to go to work. Grrr. I didn't last long.
Laura. Hi! Its me! Thanks for. well, the entire first chapter really. And remember. Hug the Gormless! They're people too!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The boat journey, for the most part, was pretty uneventful. The only major trauma was Sam's rather severe fear of water and his insistence on clinging to Frodo's ankle. Frodo and Boromir had tried desperately to pry the terrified hobbit from Frodo's leg, but eventually gave up when, after coaxing him with sausages, a new frying pan, some Elven rope and finally threatening actual bodily harm, Sam had almost used his teeth. Frodo had to settle with Sam clinging to his ankle and his head resting on Frodo's knee. It didn't help Frodo's nerves that Boromir was attempting to look suggestive at him, and once again he asked himself why he and Sam had been put with Boromir.
"My knees are sweaty." Pippin's voice drifted over the river from where he was sat in-between Merry and Sean.
"Pot Noodle! I dropped it..." Merry looked down at the mess in his lap then at the empty pot in his hand. "Dammit. It was chicken and mushroom as well."
"Tis." Pippin agreed.
"Tis tisle."
"Tis tisle tis tis tisle tis."
"Are you two quite finished?" Aragorn snapped from his boat as they floated past.
"Oh what a lovely kingfisher." Legolas pointed out, resting his hand on the paddle as he held it in the water.
"Do you ever get the feeling we're living in a crazy twisted dream-turned- reality world where only the very obsessed and the criminally insane live?" Orlando asked, wrapping his arms round Elijah's waist.
"All the time." Elijah started playing with Orlando's fingers. "Who doesn't?"
The day was drawing to a close. Sam, who had fallen asleep, resting against Frodo's knee, was just waking up. He opened his eyes, and glanced up at Frodo, just in time to hear
"...even when it's sucked by scum like you?" This comment was directed towards Boromir, who was glaring back at the hobbit. Sam shut his eyes and decided that he had woken up at precisely the wrong moment, and being asleep was much better. In the other boats, Aragorn, Legolas, Orlando and Elijah were debating whether or not to stop and spend the night on shore, or carry on. As the Things pointed out, it took less than 10 minutes to get down this river in the film. Which then escalated into an involved explanation of what a film was. And what a cinema was. And what actors were. Eventually, they decided to just keep on going.
Darkness fell. After it had picked itself back up and dusted itself off, it quickly kicked the sun out of the sky and settled down for a good night of being dark. Legolas frowned gently as he paddled.
"I fear the Author is getting a litte... erratic." Aragorn looked up from his knee-inspection.
"Erratic?"
"Yes."
"Not erotic?"
"No. Thankfully." They were silent for a while, until Legolas suddenly looked up. "Did you hear something?"
"Hm? No." Aragorn yawned and stretched.
"Im sure I heard..."
"Ahoy there!" All the conscious members of the Fellowship turned and looked behind them.
"What on earth..." Billy looked up at the huge cruise liner looming behind their small boats in amazement. He peered closer at the side. "The H.U.G. Gormless?"
"Ahoy there!" Came the call again, and they all looked up.
"Glorfindel?!" The cute blonde elf with gray eyes and messy hair was standing on the bow of the ship, wearing rather tight white trousers, a sleeveless white top and a blue bandana, complete with funny cap thing.
"Come aboard!" He yelled, waving wildly at them, then turning round. Rope ladders were sent down from the side, and the Fellowship, having nothing better to do, decided to go aboard. After they had all climbed up (Sam was too scared, he had to be pulled up with ropes tied securely around him), they were greeted by Glorfindel and Elrond.
"Greetings... again." Elrond smiled wearily at them, while they gawped at his white sailor outfit. They briefly wondered why he was holding a mop, but put it down to the Author being odd... again. "It seems the Author has decided to make my entire existence on Middle Earth a living nightmare..."
"At least your sons are back safe and sound, my lord." Glorfindel pointed out, earning him a perfected 'shut-up-if-you-know-what's-good-for-you' look. The fellowship was intrigued. (The fellowship was getting fed up of being referred to as a collective individual. The fellowship was getting very confused by the Authors odd use of words. The fellowship wants the Author to shut up now.)
"Your sons?" Elijah asked, interested. Orlando looked worried. Elrond sighed.
"Yes. They're here. Unfortunately."
"What do mean unfo..."
"Daddy!" Elrond groaned and closed his eyes as two tall dark (and rather attractive) elves leapt towards him and wrapped their arms round him in a huge bear hug. "Hi daddy!"
"Hello Elrohir, Elladan." He said, untangling himself from their hug, then stepping back a little way. "Boys, I'd like you to meet the Fellowship." Elladan and Elrohir looked round, their eyes widening when they saw the fellowship looking back at them.
"Hi!" Elrohir (they assumed) leapt towards them, not noticing the fellowship take a step back. He grabbed the nearest member, which happened to be Boromir (who hadn't stepped back in time), and hugged him. "I'm Elrohir, that's Elladan. Wanna play?" Boromir grinned.
"Sure! Oh, hang on." He turned to Aragorn. "Can I? Oh please, Aragorn?! I'll be good, honest." Aragorn looked at him.
"Boromir, how old are you?" Boromir looked confused.
"Aragorn." Legolas interrupted before Boromir started counting on his fingers. "Perhaps you should just play along. okay?" Aragorn rolled his eyes.
"Okay, okay. Boromir, yes you can go play with them."
"Yes!"
"But don't be too late out okay?"
"But Aragorn."
"Boromir, do I need to tell you again." Aragorn folded his arms and glared at the younger man. Boromir looked down and kicked absentmindedly at the floor.
"No."
"Okay, go on then." Boromir smiled, and let Elladan and Elrohir pull him away. Elrond turned to the remaining fellowship.
"Well, we'd better go inside, hadn't we?"
Nobody noticed the dark figure sitting in the corner of Elrond's cabin (though, in fairness, it was a little too large to be called just a cabin. He is an elf-lord after all...) They settled themselves on whatever seat, or lap, they could find, and smiled gratefully as a Random Sailor Elf© handed out drinks of iced tea and orange juice. Elrond sat on his ornate chair, which had been rescued from Rivendell, and looked at them.
"Well." He said. There was an uncomfortable silence, until Glorfindel suddenly thought of something.
"Oh, Elrond, hadn't we better tell them about... um, you-know-who?" Elrond looked confused.
"Huh?" The fellowship (minus Boromir) looked interested.
"You know..." Glorfindel resorted to using manic eyebrow waggling to try and get his point across. Fortunately for Glorfindel, and pretty much everyone else (though the image of Glorfindel and his manic eyebrow waggling is incredibly amusing), Elrond seemed to understand.
"Oh. Him. Okay." He turned to the fellowship. "We found this... Thing sitting at the edge of the river." The dark figure that no one had noticed stood up. The fellowship regarded him critically. He was wearing a large, over-sized tiger costume, complete with head.
"And who are you?" Aragorn asked, folding his arms (which was a little difficult with Legolas sat on his lap)
"You shouldn't have asked that..." Elrond groaned, resting his head in his hands. The dark, and deeply disturbing, figure seemed to perk up.
"So glad you asked." The Things had just decided that the voice seemed a little too familiar, when the figure spoke again.
"I'm Viggo. That's v, i, double g, o." And to the fellowships (and Elrond and Glorfindel's) complete and utter horror, he burst into song. "The wonderful thing about Viggo's; is Viggo's are wonderful things! Their tops are..."
"Enough!" Elrond finally snapped, standing up and slamming his hand down on the table. Viggo stopped his manic bouncing and sat down quickly. "If I hear that song one more time, I swear by Elbereth, I'll."
"Now, now Elrond." Glorfindel rested his hand on Elrond's back. Elrond made a noise that could have been a growl.
"Viggo?" Sean shoved Frodo off his lap and wandered over, pulling the huge tiger head off. Viggo smiled sweetly up at him.
"Hello."
"What are you doing here?" Elijah asked, from his enviable position on Orlando's lap. Viggo shrugged.
"I dunno. One moment I was painting, the next..." He shrugged again. Aragorn, Legolas and the hobbits stared at him.
"Oh, hi." The hobbits and Legolas, already having Things that looked like them, didn't seem too bothered, but Aragorn it seemed, might need a little time to adjust.
"Wow. You are one good-looking guy!" Viggo grinned, and would have blushed, except that wasn't a very manly thing to do, so he didn't.
"Thanks. Not too bad yourself." Aragorn, however, seemed to be having a little problem with the whole 'manliness' thing, and blushed. "Could do with a shave though."
"No. Chicks dig the stubble." Viggo raised his eyebrows slightly.
"Really?"
"Yeah. Got Arwen didn't I?" Glorfindel decided to stop this particular conversation, as Elrond was getting increasingly irate, and even he couldn't hold him back if he got angry.
"Now that you've all met, hadn't we better talk about this quest?" He looked around encouragingly.
"Um, sure." Aragorn looked dubiously at Glorfindel, who was absentmindedly running his hand up and down Elrond's back, and the look on Elrond's face had gone from irate to kind of dreamy.
"The quest? Oh, the quest." Elrond snapped out of it, and shot Glorfindel a dark look (ooooooooooooh.. sorry, Author likes that image) as he sat down. "Right. Quest. So, how's it going?"
"Pretty good." Legolas shrugged. "'Course, the Authors trying to slow us down."
"Of course." Elrond smiled and nodded.
"I mean, there was the whole Moria Land thing, with that tree and the rollercoaster and stuff."
"And Legolas bribing the police." Sam added.
"I did not." Elrond smiled and nodded. "And then there was that thing at Lothlorien, with. well, you were there." Elrond smiled and nodded. "Hang on, come to think of it. how did you get here before us?" Elrond smiled and. "Elrond!"
"Hm?" The elf-lord jerked out of it and looked around. "What?"
"I said." Legolas repeated slowly, whilst glaring at Glorfindel as he pulled his hand back from wherever it was on Elrond. "How did you get here before us?"
"Well, you aren't exactly the fastest fellowship in Middle Earth, are you?" Elrond shrugged and played idly with a quill that happened to be lying on the table. "And come on, I have a cruise liner!" Merry frowned slightly from where he was cuddled up to Pippin on a chair.
"How come you get a cruise liner and we have to walk?" Elrond shrugged.
"I guess the Author likes me. in a strange and twisted way. Hey, Glorfindel." He waited till the blonde elf was looking at him. "How you doin'?" Glorfindel giggled as the feather slid down his nose, and brushed it away.
"Oh Elbereth help me." Aragorn groaned, resting his head in his hands. "I did not need to see that."
To my brother Craig, who is almost as crazy as I am. Thanks for the ideas. He'll never read this story anyway.
And neither will my mother, but thanks to her anyway for understanding all my dark and deeply disturbing feelings about everything in particular. Oh, and not threatening to disown me for coming home almost blind drunk and collapsing on her for two solid hours at midnight-ish when I had to work 8 hours the next day. And also for not taunting me when the worst hangover in the history of nasty hangovers got me. And then I had to go to work. Grrr. I didn't last long.
Laura. Hi! Its me! Thanks for. well, the entire first chapter really. And remember. Hug the Gormless! They're people too!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The boat journey, for the most part, was pretty uneventful. The only major trauma was Sam's rather severe fear of water and his insistence on clinging to Frodo's ankle. Frodo and Boromir had tried desperately to pry the terrified hobbit from Frodo's leg, but eventually gave up when, after coaxing him with sausages, a new frying pan, some Elven rope and finally threatening actual bodily harm, Sam had almost used his teeth. Frodo had to settle with Sam clinging to his ankle and his head resting on Frodo's knee. It didn't help Frodo's nerves that Boromir was attempting to look suggestive at him, and once again he asked himself why he and Sam had been put with Boromir.
"My knees are sweaty." Pippin's voice drifted over the river from where he was sat in-between Merry and Sean.
"Pot Noodle! I dropped it..." Merry looked down at the mess in his lap then at the empty pot in his hand. "Dammit. It was chicken and mushroom as well."
"Tis." Pippin agreed.
"Tis tisle."
"Tis tisle tis tis tisle tis."
"Are you two quite finished?" Aragorn snapped from his boat as they floated past.
"Oh what a lovely kingfisher." Legolas pointed out, resting his hand on the paddle as he held it in the water.
"Do you ever get the feeling we're living in a crazy twisted dream-turned- reality world where only the very obsessed and the criminally insane live?" Orlando asked, wrapping his arms round Elijah's waist.
"All the time." Elijah started playing with Orlando's fingers. "Who doesn't?"
The day was drawing to a close. Sam, who had fallen asleep, resting against Frodo's knee, was just waking up. He opened his eyes, and glanced up at Frodo, just in time to hear
"...even when it's sucked by scum like you?" This comment was directed towards Boromir, who was glaring back at the hobbit. Sam shut his eyes and decided that he had woken up at precisely the wrong moment, and being asleep was much better. In the other boats, Aragorn, Legolas, Orlando and Elijah were debating whether or not to stop and spend the night on shore, or carry on. As the Things pointed out, it took less than 10 minutes to get down this river in the film. Which then escalated into an involved explanation of what a film was. And what a cinema was. And what actors were. Eventually, they decided to just keep on going.
Darkness fell. After it had picked itself back up and dusted itself off, it quickly kicked the sun out of the sky and settled down for a good night of being dark. Legolas frowned gently as he paddled.
"I fear the Author is getting a litte... erratic." Aragorn looked up from his knee-inspection.
"Erratic?"
"Yes."
"Not erotic?"
"No. Thankfully." They were silent for a while, until Legolas suddenly looked up. "Did you hear something?"
"Hm? No." Aragorn yawned and stretched.
"Im sure I heard..."
"Ahoy there!" All the conscious members of the Fellowship turned and looked behind them.
"What on earth..." Billy looked up at the huge cruise liner looming behind their small boats in amazement. He peered closer at the side. "The H.U.G. Gormless?"
"Ahoy there!" Came the call again, and they all looked up.
"Glorfindel?!" The cute blonde elf with gray eyes and messy hair was standing on the bow of the ship, wearing rather tight white trousers, a sleeveless white top and a blue bandana, complete with funny cap thing.
"Come aboard!" He yelled, waving wildly at them, then turning round. Rope ladders were sent down from the side, and the Fellowship, having nothing better to do, decided to go aboard. After they had all climbed up (Sam was too scared, he had to be pulled up with ropes tied securely around him), they were greeted by Glorfindel and Elrond.
"Greetings... again." Elrond smiled wearily at them, while they gawped at his white sailor outfit. They briefly wondered why he was holding a mop, but put it down to the Author being odd... again. "It seems the Author has decided to make my entire existence on Middle Earth a living nightmare..."
"At least your sons are back safe and sound, my lord." Glorfindel pointed out, earning him a perfected 'shut-up-if-you-know-what's-good-for-you' look. The fellowship was intrigued. (The fellowship was getting fed up of being referred to as a collective individual. The fellowship was getting very confused by the Authors odd use of words. The fellowship wants the Author to shut up now.)
"Your sons?" Elijah asked, interested. Orlando looked worried. Elrond sighed.
"Yes. They're here. Unfortunately."
"What do mean unfo..."
"Daddy!" Elrond groaned and closed his eyes as two tall dark (and rather attractive) elves leapt towards him and wrapped their arms round him in a huge bear hug. "Hi daddy!"
"Hello Elrohir, Elladan." He said, untangling himself from their hug, then stepping back a little way. "Boys, I'd like you to meet the Fellowship." Elladan and Elrohir looked round, their eyes widening when they saw the fellowship looking back at them.
"Hi!" Elrohir (they assumed) leapt towards them, not noticing the fellowship take a step back. He grabbed the nearest member, which happened to be Boromir (who hadn't stepped back in time), and hugged him. "I'm Elrohir, that's Elladan. Wanna play?" Boromir grinned.
"Sure! Oh, hang on." He turned to Aragorn. "Can I? Oh please, Aragorn?! I'll be good, honest." Aragorn looked at him.
"Boromir, how old are you?" Boromir looked confused.
"Aragorn." Legolas interrupted before Boromir started counting on his fingers. "Perhaps you should just play along. okay?" Aragorn rolled his eyes.
"Okay, okay. Boromir, yes you can go play with them."
"Yes!"
"But don't be too late out okay?"
"But Aragorn."
"Boromir, do I need to tell you again." Aragorn folded his arms and glared at the younger man. Boromir looked down and kicked absentmindedly at the floor.
"No."
"Okay, go on then." Boromir smiled, and let Elladan and Elrohir pull him away. Elrond turned to the remaining fellowship.
"Well, we'd better go inside, hadn't we?"
Nobody noticed the dark figure sitting in the corner of Elrond's cabin (though, in fairness, it was a little too large to be called just a cabin. He is an elf-lord after all...) They settled themselves on whatever seat, or lap, they could find, and smiled gratefully as a Random Sailor Elf© handed out drinks of iced tea and orange juice. Elrond sat on his ornate chair, which had been rescued from Rivendell, and looked at them.
"Well." He said. There was an uncomfortable silence, until Glorfindel suddenly thought of something.
"Oh, Elrond, hadn't we better tell them about... um, you-know-who?" Elrond looked confused.
"Huh?" The fellowship (minus Boromir) looked interested.
"You know..." Glorfindel resorted to using manic eyebrow waggling to try and get his point across. Fortunately for Glorfindel, and pretty much everyone else (though the image of Glorfindel and his manic eyebrow waggling is incredibly amusing), Elrond seemed to understand.
"Oh. Him. Okay." He turned to the fellowship. "We found this... Thing sitting at the edge of the river." The dark figure that no one had noticed stood up. The fellowship regarded him critically. He was wearing a large, over-sized tiger costume, complete with head.
"And who are you?" Aragorn asked, folding his arms (which was a little difficult with Legolas sat on his lap)
"You shouldn't have asked that..." Elrond groaned, resting his head in his hands. The dark, and deeply disturbing, figure seemed to perk up.
"So glad you asked." The Things had just decided that the voice seemed a little too familiar, when the figure spoke again.
"I'm Viggo. That's v, i, double g, o." And to the fellowships (and Elrond and Glorfindel's) complete and utter horror, he burst into song. "The wonderful thing about Viggo's; is Viggo's are wonderful things! Their tops are..."
"Enough!" Elrond finally snapped, standing up and slamming his hand down on the table. Viggo stopped his manic bouncing and sat down quickly. "If I hear that song one more time, I swear by Elbereth, I'll."
"Now, now Elrond." Glorfindel rested his hand on Elrond's back. Elrond made a noise that could have been a growl.
"Viggo?" Sean shoved Frodo off his lap and wandered over, pulling the huge tiger head off. Viggo smiled sweetly up at him.
"Hello."
"What are you doing here?" Elijah asked, from his enviable position on Orlando's lap. Viggo shrugged.
"I dunno. One moment I was painting, the next..." He shrugged again. Aragorn, Legolas and the hobbits stared at him.
"Oh, hi." The hobbits and Legolas, already having Things that looked like them, didn't seem too bothered, but Aragorn it seemed, might need a little time to adjust.
"Wow. You are one good-looking guy!" Viggo grinned, and would have blushed, except that wasn't a very manly thing to do, so he didn't.
"Thanks. Not too bad yourself." Aragorn, however, seemed to be having a little problem with the whole 'manliness' thing, and blushed. "Could do with a shave though."
"No. Chicks dig the stubble." Viggo raised his eyebrows slightly.
"Really?"
"Yeah. Got Arwen didn't I?" Glorfindel decided to stop this particular conversation, as Elrond was getting increasingly irate, and even he couldn't hold him back if he got angry.
"Now that you've all met, hadn't we better talk about this quest?" He looked around encouragingly.
"Um, sure." Aragorn looked dubiously at Glorfindel, who was absentmindedly running his hand up and down Elrond's back, and the look on Elrond's face had gone from irate to kind of dreamy.
"The quest? Oh, the quest." Elrond snapped out of it, and shot Glorfindel a dark look (ooooooooooooh.. sorry, Author likes that image) as he sat down. "Right. Quest. So, how's it going?"
"Pretty good." Legolas shrugged. "'Course, the Authors trying to slow us down."
"Of course." Elrond smiled and nodded.
"I mean, there was the whole Moria Land thing, with that tree and the rollercoaster and stuff."
"And Legolas bribing the police." Sam added.
"I did not." Elrond smiled and nodded. "And then there was that thing at Lothlorien, with. well, you were there." Elrond smiled and nodded. "Hang on, come to think of it. how did you get here before us?" Elrond smiled and. "Elrond!"
"Hm?" The elf-lord jerked out of it and looked around. "What?"
"I said." Legolas repeated slowly, whilst glaring at Glorfindel as he pulled his hand back from wherever it was on Elrond. "How did you get here before us?"
"Well, you aren't exactly the fastest fellowship in Middle Earth, are you?" Elrond shrugged and played idly with a quill that happened to be lying on the table. "And come on, I have a cruise liner!" Merry frowned slightly from where he was cuddled up to Pippin on a chair.
"How come you get a cruise liner and we have to walk?" Elrond shrugged.
"I guess the Author likes me. in a strange and twisted way. Hey, Glorfindel." He waited till the blonde elf was looking at him. "How you doin'?" Glorfindel giggled as the feather slid down his nose, and brushed it away.
"Oh Elbereth help me." Aragorn groaned, resting his head in his hands. "I did not need to see that."