Chapter Four: "Seemingly Lifeless"
Elizabeth Corday, F.R.C.S
Innocence and beauty all wrapped up in white blanket. My child. Our child. Ella Greene
slept easy, breathing gently, little knowing the pain already pervading her short life. I
looked down at my baby with the love only a mother could know. Ella and I shared a bond
neither I nor she could ever fully understand or appreciate. It was just a shame Ella could
never know her father's love. I wanted him to walk in the door. To have him back in my
life, my home, my bed. I hated thinking, let alone talking, in the singular. The 9 months of
my pregnancy had been the hardest of my life and when Ella was born I finally thought my
troubles were over. I looked into the shadows of our home, peering into the darkness -
seeing the acquisitions made in happier times. I was alone. Not for the first time in my life
but this was certainly the most painful. When Ella was born I'd thought that at last my life
was going to work out, I was going to be happy. This was destiny - with this man and this
child. Maybe I'd been idealistic but then again - didn't every little girl dream of a fairytale
life? I'd just wanted to have it all and for a while I'd thought I was very close. But I'd
never know my husbands love again - the long nights seemed tortuous without his love,
and his arms, to keep me warm. The bed was achingly big without him. The world was
achingly big. I'd lost all sense of focus. The house was a shell of the family home it could
have been. Its four walls echoed him, his thoughts, his words, his being. I sat in the dark,
my baby peaceful in my arms, wondering why I'd ended up as a single mother. Wondering
what the higher powers had against me ever being happy.
Whatever happened to forever? I wonder bitterly. I don't mind Ella being awake all night
at the moment. She's teething now and cries all the time. Nothing could make this any
worse, I'm not sleeping as it is. She doesn't know her mummy's having nightmares,
but I am. Awful dreams of death and destruction on a scale I wished I'd never known. So
many people, so many good people, died in the rubble of County General. Friends, lovers
and families of so many perished. It's like looking into a black hole, never seeing an end to
this.
I'm making myself ill again and that's no good for Ella. I'm exhausted. I barely ever get
up. Holding Ella is all that gives me comfort and I know ultimately will be the only thing
that pulls me through, knowing there's another life dependent on me for everything. I
can't give up, easier though it is, because she needs me. My role as a mother must come
first, especially now. I may be hurting, I always will, but I'm all she has.
Elizabeth Corday, F.R.C.S
Innocence and beauty all wrapped up in white blanket. My child. Our child. Ella Greene
slept easy, breathing gently, little knowing the pain already pervading her short life. I
looked down at my baby with the love only a mother could know. Ella and I shared a bond
neither I nor she could ever fully understand or appreciate. It was just a shame Ella could
never know her father's love. I wanted him to walk in the door. To have him back in my
life, my home, my bed. I hated thinking, let alone talking, in the singular. The 9 months of
my pregnancy had been the hardest of my life and when Ella was born I finally thought my
troubles were over. I looked into the shadows of our home, peering into the darkness -
seeing the acquisitions made in happier times. I was alone. Not for the first time in my life
but this was certainly the most painful. When Ella was born I'd thought that at last my life
was going to work out, I was going to be happy. This was destiny - with this man and this
child. Maybe I'd been idealistic but then again - didn't every little girl dream of a fairytale
life? I'd just wanted to have it all and for a while I'd thought I was very close. But I'd
never know my husbands love again - the long nights seemed tortuous without his love,
and his arms, to keep me warm. The bed was achingly big without him. The world was
achingly big. I'd lost all sense of focus. The house was a shell of the family home it could
have been. Its four walls echoed him, his thoughts, his words, his being. I sat in the dark,
my baby peaceful in my arms, wondering why I'd ended up as a single mother. Wondering
what the higher powers had against me ever being happy.
Whatever happened to forever? I wonder bitterly. I don't mind Ella being awake all night
at the moment. She's teething now and cries all the time. Nothing could make this any
worse, I'm not sleeping as it is. She doesn't know her mummy's having nightmares,
but I am. Awful dreams of death and destruction on a scale I wished I'd never known. So
many people, so many good people, died in the rubble of County General. Friends, lovers
and families of so many perished. It's like looking into a black hole, never seeing an end to
this.
I'm making myself ill again and that's no good for Ella. I'm exhausted. I barely ever get
up. Holding Ella is all that gives me comfort and I know ultimately will be the only thing
that pulls me through, knowing there's another life dependent on me for everything. I
can't give up, easier though it is, because she needs me. My role as a mother must come
first, especially now. I may be hurting, I always will, but I'm all she has.