Author's note: Due to the AU nature of this fic - the Marfan's case in early season 8, both
doctors were only suspended. Oh, and I know the timings all wrong, but artistic licence
O.K?
Chapter Six: "Don't Let It End This Way"
Jing-Mei Chen, M.D
I think I deserved a break. A little luck in life for a change. Death, adoption, and now
suspension. I worked all hours making up my residency after Michael, and that was the
thanks I got. Everyone makes mistakes. It's sad what it takes to make you realise that isn't
it? I didn't get it. Luck wasn't on my side, yet again.
County General ER, 14/2/02, 9:55am
Wow, this is awkward, I thought nervously. I eyed Kerry apprehensive, biting on my
bottom lip. I watched him, equally closely. The tension was palpable. This wasn't
something I wanted to be in the middle of. But I was. We were both lucky to have jobs. I
knew it, but I wasn't sure he felt entirely the same way.
"Glad to be back?"
I snapped my neck round, trying to determine if the question had been directed at me. It
had. I sensed that my answer was awaited, not only by my boss but by him too.
"Yeah, I am,"
I nodded to affirm my answer, but could feel his eyes boring into my back. He knew I was
a liar. If I could have avoided this situation I would, I thought, if only you knew, if only
any of you knew. There was a job to do, but I couldn't tear myself away from this. I so
wanted to talk to him, but what would I say? There was nothing either of us could do to
make up for what had come to pass recently. The silence hung over the three of them like
a death pall, heavy and emotional, with no one entirely sure what to do or to say next.
Eventually, I heard him break for the door and decided to do the same myself. I never
reached it though, as chart in hand I was thrown to the floor. That was the last thing I was
aware of before I passed out.
I opened my eyes moments after impact, scared of what I'd see. It felt like a nightmare
and all I wanted to do was close my eyes again and make it go away. It was a minute
before I was fully lucid. I was staring straight up. There used to be a ceiling there, but now
there wasn't. Plaster hung raggedly from the edges of a gaping hole. my hands were
sticky, I realised, and as I extricated them to examine the sensation, I saw it was blood. I
wasn't aware of any pain. I was aware of the searing heat on my right cheek. Fire. I bit my
tongue to stop from crying. This was it, wasn't it? This was what dying felt like.
"Hello!"
I called into the silence. Who'd been in this room with me? What the hell had happened? I
listened intently, trying to make out breathing, or any sounds of anyone living.
"Jing-Mei, is that you?"
A voice called, rasping on a dry throat, from my left. I turned my head.
"Kerry?"
"Yes. Are you hurt?"
It was a good question. I wasn't in any pain, but that didn't mean I wasn't injured. I was
finding it increasingly difficult to breathe, but that was natural in the dust and smoke that
surrounded us.
"Not badly. Chests tight but I'll live. You?"
"Don't think so,"
"Can you move?"
I heard frantic scrabbling.
"Kind of,"
"Anyone else in this room, can you remember?"
Had he still been in this room? Had he left the room before the explosion or had it caught
him on the move? I couldn't remember, and feared the latter.
"Dave, I think,"
Came the choked answer. I looked around. Kerry was 5ft to my left, and to my right a ring
of fire spread around the room. I couldn't cry out to him but I hadn't heard any
movement. The heat on my face was intensifying. The fire was on the move. In an instant,
I sat up. Pain bolted through me from the base of my spine. I set my teeth against it and
pushed myself into a kneeling position. I crawled inch by inch towards the flames. I tried
to be undeterred even when the fire sprang fingers towards me, singing my eyebrows.
Inside I was shaking, terrified, but my caring instinct had kicked in. If he was dead and
there was nothing I could do, at least I'd made sure. If he wasn't, I might be able to help
him.
"Is he there?"
Kerry croaked. I couldn't see him, but smoke was blurring my vision. A shadow loomed
out of the darkness, prone and still, lying right next to the fire. I crawled forward, white
hot ash on the floor burning my knees, searing pain into my palms. I reached him and
raised my fingers to his pulse. Or where I hoped his pulse would be. I prayed I'd feel the
beat under my fingers, prayed he was alive. I held a deep breath until I felt the steady
pounding. It was slow but it was there. I sighed heavily and sat back on my haunches,
considering what to do next. All the time, fire was spreading, and there was the constant
threat of further collapses. I knew all this. I was terrified but I was trying to keep it under
control. A calm exterior belied a shaking interior. I didn't want to die either, not like this.
"Is he there?"
Kerry called again, clearer this time.
"Yes. Yes, he's here,"
"Is he alive?"
Amid the crackle and hiss of the fire I lowered my ear to his face. Please be breathing.
Please. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the imminent danger overhead. The ceiling
timbers were burning, flaming a warning red and dropping tiny sparks. I tried not to panic,
tried to concentrate on the effort in hand and was delighted to hear shallow breaths.
"Yes. He's alive,"
There was no response from our boss. It was as if she was disappointed. No, that's not
true, she doesn't like him, she wouldn't wish him dead, Kerry isn't like that. I dismissed
those thoughts quickly. I muttered a "just" aside to myself. I looked over his prone form -
noting no obvious injuries apart from the burns. Burns which would only get worse.
"Can you help him?"
"Not here. I can barely see him,"
"Jing-Mei!"
The cry was anguished. I saw the rubble over my boss shift slightly as more plaster fell
from the ceiling. I covered my head with my hands and held my breath till the dust shower
passed. Thankful it was only dust, I looked up.
"Kerry,"
I called, hopeful she would still respond to the sound of my voice.
"Please. Get help. Save yourself, Jing-Mei, or we'll all die,"
The panic in the redheads weakened voice was obvious.
"It's on my to do list, Kerry,"
I snapped, feeling my loyalties sorely divided and my survival instinct battling to be let out.
I couldn't have their deaths on my conscience, but I wanted to live myself. I was hesitating
between attempting to crawl out the ruined doorway and staying to help my colleagues.
"Go, Jing-Mei,"
Kerry screeched again, over an ear-splitting crack. The beam was crashing, flames fanned,
towards the spot Dave and I were sitting targets. I had milliseconds to act and I didn't
even think. I pulled him as hard as I could, hoping he'd move enough to get him out of the
way. I screwed my eyes shut. The timber crashed into the floor, shaking the room. I
looked quickly at the spot where it had landed and was relieved to see I'd managed to pull
him clear. I paused, breathing hard, then scrambled from the room, hands scratching and
clawing against rubble. I had to get help. I wasn't ready to die. I have no concept of how
long it took me to get from the room to the outside, but it felt like an interminably long
time. I just kept crawling and crawling, past ruined exam rooms, piles of rubble, knowing
my colleagues could be under any one of them, desperately searching for a way out. The
relief at finding a suitable aperture was unreal. I scrambled towards it, smelling survival,
sensing freedom. I was glad to feel the cold air on my scorched skin, the cold concrete
came as relief to my torn and burnt hands and knees. I crawled free of the building into the
only safe darkness I'd ever known, took two huge gulps of air and collapsed onto the
solid, safe surface below me. My limbs wouldn't carry me an inch further. I was amongst
help. I was safe. I was conscious, but barely lucid.
"Jing-Mei,"
My name in familiar gruff tones was a great comfort to me. I couldn't move, and my head
was spinning uncontrollably.
"I need a gurney over here,"
I heard him yell. I was manhandled onto my back, and I looked up into his troubled brown
eyes. I didn't know what had come to pass or even what was really going on. I hadn't had
that much time to think about it. It had all been about getting out.
"Chen. Can you hear me?"
I nodded slowly. My mouth began to form words, which I stuttered out.
"Help them...suture room..."
An oxygen mask was clamped firmly over my face and it was a relief to be able to breathe
easily again. my eyes stung, my vision blurred and teary. He nodded down at my. I zoned
out after that, shocked, traumatised, guilty and physically exhausted. They had to live, I
thought desperately, as the ambulance sped me away from County. I haven't abandoned
you, I yelled in my head, I hoped they knew that, I saved myself. How would I live if they
died? I got help. I needed to help myself now.
Northwestern Emergency Room, 14/2/02, 16:32
The room was unfamiliar to my bemused mind. I was disorientated as I awoke and
immediately panicked.
"Where am I?"
I gulped helplessly, choking on my own fear. A minute passed, and I remembered. It all
flooded back - the noise, the heat, the pain. Guilt tore through me. What if they'd died?
I'd left them. I was living. The door opened.
"Jing-Mei. Back with us I see,"
The doctor was male, about 30, who looked at me with a concerned yet pitying look on
his handsome face. I glared at him irrationally.
"Where am I?"
I demanded angrily.
"Northwestern."
He approached my bed slowly.
"Do you remember what happened?"
His voice was low and gentle. I narrowed my eyes against the pain. I struggled to
remember exactly what happened, what exactly had brought me here. I had fragments of
it, snatches of conversation, sensation but nothing that formed a complete picture that
made any sense.
"There was an explosion. You and your colleagues were caught in the blast,"
I nodded hopelessly. I wasn't the only one alive was I? Was that why the doctor looked so
pitying of me? Infinite numbers of possibilities spun in my mind all of a sudden. Grief rose
from my heart and spread slowly through my body.
"Am I...? Did they get anyone else out?"
The doctor glanced at the floor and back up at me, looking sad.
"What?"
It was a half-sob and it caught in the back of my throat. I was fearing the worst and
dreading hearing it confirmed.
"They've pulled at least 6 bodies from the rubble already. They don't know how many
others are under there, it could take days,"
My world fell apart around me, and I was powerless to stay in control.
"What about survivors?"
My voice cracked, forced around the lump in my throat.
"6 so far including you,"
6. 6 out of all those people. How am I still alive? I looked down at my hands, white
bandages covering the scarred skin. Scars. That would be all I would be left with wouldn't
it? Scars and memories. I couldn't cope with that, I just couldn't.
"You'll be in here a while, but we hope to move you up to a room just as soon as one
becomes available,"
"How bad is it?"
I turned my hands over and over again.
"Third degree, both palms and lower legs. Smoke inhalation. Cuts and bruises. You were
lucky,"
Lucky? Lucky was the last word to describe this situation. My world was coming crashing
to an end and that was all he could say. I felt so far from lucky. Lost, bereft and confused
covered it just a little better. But he wasn't me and he couldn't know. I couldn't expect
anyone else to understand.
"Tell me one thing before you go..."
But he was gone. I needed to know. I was alone, alone in the world and all I wanted to
know was whether my efforts had been in vain. I wanted to know if they'd died.
doctors were only suspended. Oh, and I know the timings all wrong, but artistic licence
O.K?
Chapter Six: "Don't Let It End This Way"
Jing-Mei Chen, M.D
I think I deserved a break. A little luck in life for a change. Death, adoption, and now
suspension. I worked all hours making up my residency after Michael, and that was the
thanks I got. Everyone makes mistakes. It's sad what it takes to make you realise that isn't
it? I didn't get it. Luck wasn't on my side, yet again.
County General ER, 14/2/02, 9:55am
Wow, this is awkward, I thought nervously. I eyed Kerry apprehensive, biting on my
bottom lip. I watched him, equally closely. The tension was palpable. This wasn't
something I wanted to be in the middle of. But I was. We were both lucky to have jobs. I
knew it, but I wasn't sure he felt entirely the same way.
"Glad to be back?"
I snapped my neck round, trying to determine if the question had been directed at me. It
had. I sensed that my answer was awaited, not only by my boss but by him too.
"Yeah, I am,"
I nodded to affirm my answer, but could feel his eyes boring into my back. He knew I was
a liar. If I could have avoided this situation I would, I thought, if only you knew, if only
any of you knew. There was a job to do, but I couldn't tear myself away from this. I so
wanted to talk to him, but what would I say? There was nothing either of us could do to
make up for what had come to pass recently. The silence hung over the three of them like
a death pall, heavy and emotional, with no one entirely sure what to do or to say next.
Eventually, I heard him break for the door and decided to do the same myself. I never
reached it though, as chart in hand I was thrown to the floor. That was the last thing I was
aware of before I passed out.
I opened my eyes moments after impact, scared of what I'd see. It felt like a nightmare
and all I wanted to do was close my eyes again and make it go away. It was a minute
before I was fully lucid. I was staring straight up. There used to be a ceiling there, but now
there wasn't. Plaster hung raggedly from the edges of a gaping hole. my hands were
sticky, I realised, and as I extricated them to examine the sensation, I saw it was blood. I
wasn't aware of any pain. I was aware of the searing heat on my right cheek. Fire. I bit my
tongue to stop from crying. This was it, wasn't it? This was what dying felt like.
"Hello!"
I called into the silence. Who'd been in this room with me? What the hell had happened? I
listened intently, trying to make out breathing, or any sounds of anyone living.
"Jing-Mei, is that you?"
A voice called, rasping on a dry throat, from my left. I turned my head.
"Kerry?"
"Yes. Are you hurt?"
It was a good question. I wasn't in any pain, but that didn't mean I wasn't injured. I was
finding it increasingly difficult to breathe, but that was natural in the dust and smoke that
surrounded us.
"Not badly. Chests tight but I'll live. You?"
"Don't think so,"
"Can you move?"
I heard frantic scrabbling.
"Kind of,"
"Anyone else in this room, can you remember?"
Had he still been in this room? Had he left the room before the explosion or had it caught
him on the move? I couldn't remember, and feared the latter.
"Dave, I think,"
Came the choked answer. I looked around. Kerry was 5ft to my left, and to my right a ring
of fire spread around the room. I couldn't cry out to him but I hadn't heard any
movement. The heat on my face was intensifying. The fire was on the move. In an instant,
I sat up. Pain bolted through me from the base of my spine. I set my teeth against it and
pushed myself into a kneeling position. I crawled inch by inch towards the flames. I tried
to be undeterred even when the fire sprang fingers towards me, singing my eyebrows.
Inside I was shaking, terrified, but my caring instinct had kicked in. If he was dead and
there was nothing I could do, at least I'd made sure. If he wasn't, I might be able to help
him.
"Is he there?"
Kerry croaked. I couldn't see him, but smoke was blurring my vision. A shadow loomed
out of the darkness, prone and still, lying right next to the fire. I crawled forward, white
hot ash on the floor burning my knees, searing pain into my palms. I reached him and
raised my fingers to his pulse. Or where I hoped his pulse would be. I prayed I'd feel the
beat under my fingers, prayed he was alive. I held a deep breath until I felt the steady
pounding. It was slow but it was there. I sighed heavily and sat back on my haunches,
considering what to do next. All the time, fire was spreading, and there was the constant
threat of further collapses. I knew all this. I was terrified but I was trying to keep it under
control. A calm exterior belied a shaking interior. I didn't want to die either, not like this.
"Is he there?"
Kerry called again, clearer this time.
"Yes. Yes, he's here,"
"Is he alive?"
Amid the crackle and hiss of the fire I lowered my ear to his face. Please be breathing.
Please. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the imminent danger overhead. The ceiling
timbers were burning, flaming a warning red and dropping tiny sparks. I tried not to panic,
tried to concentrate on the effort in hand and was delighted to hear shallow breaths.
"Yes. He's alive,"
There was no response from our boss. It was as if she was disappointed. No, that's not
true, she doesn't like him, she wouldn't wish him dead, Kerry isn't like that. I dismissed
those thoughts quickly. I muttered a "just" aside to myself. I looked over his prone form -
noting no obvious injuries apart from the burns. Burns which would only get worse.
"Can you help him?"
"Not here. I can barely see him,"
"Jing-Mei!"
The cry was anguished. I saw the rubble over my boss shift slightly as more plaster fell
from the ceiling. I covered my head with my hands and held my breath till the dust shower
passed. Thankful it was only dust, I looked up.
"Kerry,"
I called, hopeful she would still respond to the sound of my voice.
"Please. Get help. Save yourself, Jing-Mei, or we'll all die,"
The panic in the redheads weakened voice was obvious.
"It's on my to do list, Kerry,"
I snapped, feeling my loyalties sorely divided and my survival instinct battling to be let out.
I couldn't have their deaths on my conscience, but I wanted to live myself. I was hesitating
between attempting to crawl out the ruined doorway and staying to help my colleagues.
"Go, Jing-Mei,"
Kerry screeched again, over an ear-splitting crack. The beam was crashing, flames fanned,
towards the spot Dave and I were sitting targets. I had milliseconds to act and I didn't
even think. I pulled him as hard as I could, hoping he'd move enough to get him out of the
way. I screwed my eyes shut. The timber crashed into the floor, shaking the room. I
looked quickly at the spot where it had landed and was relieved to see I'd managed to pull
him clear. I paused, breathing hard, then scrambled from the room, hands scratching and
clawing against rubble. I had to get help. I wasn't ready to die. I have no concept of how
long it took me to get from the room to the outside, but it felt like an interminably long
time. I just kept crawling and crawling, past ruined exam rooms, piles of rubble, knowing
my colleagues could be under any one of them, desperately searching for a way out. The
relief at finding a suitable aperture was unreal. I scrambled towards it, smelling survival,
sensing freedom. I was glad to feel the cold air on my scorched skin, the cold concrete
came as relief to my torn and burnt hands and knees. I crawled free of the building into the
only safe darkness I'd ever known, took two huge gulps of air and collapsed onto the
solid, safe surface below me. My limbs wouldn't carry me an inch further. I was amongst
help. I was safe. I was conscious, but barely lucid.
"Jing-Mei,"
My name in familiar gruff tones was a great comfort to me. I couldn't move, and my head
was spinning uncontrollably.
"I need a gurney over here,"
I heard him yell. I was manhandled onto my back, and I looked up into his troubled brown
eyes. I didn't know what had come to pass or even what was really going on. I hadn't had
that much time to think about it. It had all been about getting out.
"Chen. Can you hear me?"
I nodded slowly. My mouth began to form words, which I stuttered out.
"Help them...suture room..."
An oxygen mask was clamped firmly over my face and it was a relief to be able to breathe
easily again. my eyes stung, my vision blurred and teary. He nodded down at my. I zoned
out after that, shocked, traumatised, guilty and physically exhausted. They had to live, I
thought desperately, as the ambulance sped me away from County. I haven't abandoned
you, I yelled in my head, I hoped they knew that, I saved myself. How would I live if they
died? I got help. I needed to help myself now.
Northwestern Emergency Room, 14/2/02, 16:32
The room was unfamiliar to my bemused mind. I was disorientated as I awoke and
immediately panicked.
"Where am I?"
I gulped helplessly, choking on my own fear. A minute passed, and I remembered. It all
flooded back - the noise, the heat, the pain. Guilt tore through me. What if they'd died?
I'd left them. I was living. The door opened.
"Jing-Mei. Back with us I see,"
The doctor was male, about 30, who looked at me with a concerned yet pitying look on
his handsome face. I glared at him irrationally.
"Where am I?"
I demanded angrily.
"Northwestern."
He approached my bed slowly.
"Do you remember what happened?"
His voice was low and gentle. I narrowed my eyes against the pain. I struggled to
remember exactly what happened, what exactly had brought me here. I had fragments of
it, snatches of conversation, sensation but nothing that formed a complete picture that
made any sense.
"There was an explosion. You and your colleagues were caught in the blast,"
I nodded hopelessly. I wasn't the only one alive was I? Was that why the doctor looked so
pitying of me? Infinite numbers of possibilities spun in my mind all of a sudden. Grief rose
from my heart and spread slowly through my body.
"Am I...? Did they get anyone else out?"
The doctor glanced at the floor and back up at me, looking sad.
"What?"
It was a half-sob and it caught in the back of my throat. I was fearing the worst and
dreading hearing it confirmed.
"They've pulled at least 6 bodies from the rubble already. They don't know how many
others are under there, it could take days,"
My world fell apart around me, and I was powerless to stay in control.
"What about survivors?"
My voice cracked, forced around the lump in my throat.
"6 so far including you,"
6. 6 out of all those people. How am I still alive? I looked down at my hands, white
bandages covering the scarred skin. Scars. That would be all I would be left with wouldn't
it? Scars and memories. I couldn't cope with that, I just couldn't.
"You'll be in here a while, but we hope to move you up to a room just as soon as one
becomes available,"
"How bad is it?"
I turned my hands over and over again.
"Third degree, both palms and lower legs. Smoke inhalation. Cuts and bruises. You were
lucky,"
Lucky? Lucky was the last word to describe this situation. My world was coming crashing
to an end and that was all he could say. I felt so far from lucky. Lost, bereft and confused
covered it just a little better. But he wasn't me and he couldn't know. I couldn't expect
anyone else to understand.
"Tell me one thing before you go..."
But he was gone. I needed to know. I was alone, alone in the world and all I wanted to
know was whether my efforts had been in vain. I wanted to know if they'd died.