Chapter 10: "Nothing Left To Lose"
John Carter, M.D
County General Hospital: 14/2/02, 9:55am
"Hey,"
I entered the lounge feeling fairly emotionally wrung out. It had been a difficult morning
already, I'd had to tell a 5 year old her parents had died. Children can be difficult to read,
and I'm not entirely sure she had understood completely what had happened. I had to
leave for a few minutes, for a coffee and a rest, but I had promised her I'd be back soon.
She wasn't badly hurt, but she was vulnerable. Apart from that, it hadn't been particularily
busy. Abby looked miles away. I knew she'd been on since 6am - and she looked
exhausted. But I wouldn't have been any kind of friend if I'd thought that was where it
ended. There was something else on her mind. I knew her too well, and it was rare she
was able to hide anything from me.
"Hi,"
Something in her tone sounded dismissive. I wouldn't give up that easily, and she
wouldn't expect any less.
"You alright?"
"Not really,"
Abby cracked. Maybe now she'd let me help if I could. I wasn't a friend in name only after
all. I deserved the accolade, she wasn't the easiest person to get along with and she knew
it.
"Care to share?"
There was a slight pause before she placed a sheet of A4 paper on the table in front of me.
I looked slightly puzzled, then looked down. This hadn't been quite what I was expecting,
and the only sound I could make was a slightly shocked.
"Oh,"
I tried not to sound disappointed, but she probably thought I was.
"I know, I know,"
She sounded a little disappointed in herself, and a little resigned too.
"When did you..? I mean..."
I never finished my sentence, and never heard her answer either. Truth is, I never quite
figured out what it was I was actually meaning to ask her. Then it all fell apart, and the
question was forgotten almost instantly. I closed my eyes as the breath was forced from
my body, and only opened them again once the wave of sound and movement stopped.
It's odd how irrational you become in a situation like that, and my first thought wasn't for
me, but for my patient. I rose and exited quickly, feeling nothing but fear. Not fear for my
own safety, or for my best friend, which would have been logical at least. I'll never explain
why I did what I did that day. I don't know how far I got before the second blast threw
me to the floor again and the lino rushed up to meet me. I passed into a temporary
unconciousness. It's difficult to describe accurately how it feels being involved in
something like that. It's like your whole life is blank, nothing in it mattered and nothing
has happened except the moment you're in. It's a very surreal feeling - I should know,
I've felt it twice now.
County General Hospital 10:07am
My eyes blinked open again with great difficulty. The silence all around was deafening.
Faintly, in the distance, I could just hear the crashing and crackling as flames voraciously
devoured what little was left of the building. I couldn't move. I was face down against the
linoleum, so all I saw was black. I was hit by a sudden sense of helplessness. Once again, I
was reliant on other people to potentially save my life. I wasn't aware of any pain.
Nevertheless I felt for injuries. I found only one. Something had sliced into the side of my
neck and was lodged there. My fingers felt the cold, sharp edges, and gradually I became
aware of the blood dripping from it, over my hand. I kept my hand there, for reassurance it
was real if nothing else.
I decided praying and pleading was useless. If they were supposed to save me, they would.
If they weren't then this was my time. I don't know what in me became so rational at that
point, but I sensed struggling would only make this messy situation all the worse. If this
was the end, which I think I unconsciously knew it was, then at least it could be peaceful.
Unlike my life.
I did have regrets. I would have regrets. Life hadn't exactly turned out the way I'd always
planned. I went over and over it, realising this could be my last chance to make sense of it.
Of all I'd lost, all the pain I'd suffered especially recently, and all I was about to lose as
well. I didn't register the irony of it being the anniversary for a moment, then I
remembered the date and allowed myself a sad smile. A year ago today, she'd died and I'd
lived. This year, was fate destined to finally catch up with me?
The thoughts I had in those minutes were both painful and intense under normal
circumstances, but I didn't have the strength to struggle against them. I had to let them
wash through me. I wondered who would live and who had died. Who would be strong
enough to get out? I wondered about leaving my colleagues, these people who had been
more of a family to me over the years than my blood relations, and especially I worried
about leaving Abby.
I wondered if somewhere under all of this she was alive. I wondered if she'd have the
baby, and what would happen if I wasn't around any more. I wasn't disappointed in her
for falling pregnant, how could I be? It was a shock, that was all. It wasn't her fault was
it? Just bad luck. All this was just bad luck. But I wouldn't ever get to tell her that. I
hoped she'd live, and I hoped she'd always know I would have been with her every step of
the way.
All those wonderful people lay somewhere under this, probably as alone as I was, thinking
similar things. Under this rubble, amongst this destruction there was still hope, but there
would also be great tragedy. I suppose I hoped I wouldn't live to see that, because I
wasn't strong enough to take any more tragedy. I may have been dying, but I sure as hell
didn't want to take everyone else with me. All those who had so much to live for -
families, friends, lovers. All those who were so important to me, they had to live.
I wondered how those who lived would cope, how they'd carry on. I couldn't bear the
thought of all that pain in their lives, or of me being partially at the heart of it. But I felt
sure they'd survive. They wouldn't have a choice. Survivors don't.
County General Hospital, 10:35am
Blood. That's all there was in the end. No pain, just my own blood, leaking slowly
through my fingers, soaking my shirt, ebbing my life away. I'd thought I was dying once
before. I'd been saved that time. Saved to die like this? I sensed it was
true. I held out little hope that a similar miracle would occur this time around. No ones that
lucky twice in their life. This was my death. This was it. Life sank away from me slowly,
dripping into a vivid red pool on the floor. I watched it, helpless but calm. Maybe I was
too shocked to feel pain. Whatever it was, I was secretly glad of it. I couldn't help myself.
It wasn't worth trying. There wasn't an ounce of will or care left in my body. Eventually, I
laid my head down on the cold linoleum floor and gave myself up to death. Sure enough, it
came, sucking the last breath from my lungs. I didn't feel sad, it was a release.
It wasn't a painful or particularily slow death, nor was it a struggle. There's no point in
fighting, sometimes it just makes the end all the worse.
John Carter, M.D
County General Hospital: 14/2/02, 9:55am
"Hey,"
I entered the lounge feeling fairly emotionally wrung out. It had been a difficult morning
already, I'd had to tell a 5 year old her parents had died. Children can be difficult to read,
and I'm not entirely sure she had understood completely what had happened. I had to
leave for a few minutes, for a coffee and a rest, but I had promised her I'd be back soon.
She wasn't badly hurt, but she was vulnerable. Apart from that, it hadn't been particularily
busy. Abby looked miles away. I knew she'd been on since 6am - and she looked
exhausted. But I wouldn't have been any kind of friend if I'd thought that was where it
ended. There was something else on her mind. I knew her too well, and it was rare she
was able to hide anything from me.
"Hi,"
Something in her tone sounded dismissive. I wouldn't give up that easily, and she
wouldn't expect any less.
"You alright?"
"Not really,"
Abby cracked. Maybe now she'd let me help if I could. I wasn't a friend in name only after
all. I deserved the accolade, she wasn't the easiest person to get along with and she knew
it.
"Care to share?"
There was a slight pause before she placed a sheet of A4 paper on the table in front of me.
I looked slightly puzzled, then looked down. This hadn't been quite what I was expecting,
and the only sound I could make was a slightly shocked.
"Oh,"
I tried not to sound disappointed, but she probably thought I was.
"I know, I know,"
She sounded a little disappointed in herself, and a little resigned too.
"When did you..? I mean..."
I never finished my sentence, and never heard her answer either. Truth is, I never quite
figured out what it was I was actually meaning to ask her. Then it all fell apart, and the
question was forgotten almost instantly. I closed my eyes as the breath was forced from
my body, and only opened them again once the wave of sound and movement stopped.
It's odd how irrational you become in a situation like that, and my first thought wasn't for
me, but for my patient. I rose and exited quickly, feeling nothing but fear. Not fear for my
own safety, or for my best friend, which would have been logical at least. I'll never explain
why I did what I did that day. I don't know how far I got before the second blast threw
me to the floor again and the lino rushed up to meet me. I passed into a temporary
unconciousness. It's difficult to describe accurately how it feels being involved in
something like that. It's like your whole life is blank, nothing in it mattered and nothing
has happened except the moment you're in. It's a very surreal feeling - I should know,
I've felt it twice now.
County General Hospital 10:07am
My eyes blinked open again with great difficulty. The silence all around was deafening.
Faintly, in the distance, I could just hear the crashing and crackling as flames voraciously
devoured what little was left of the building. I couldn't move. I was face down against the
linoleum, so all I saw was black. I was hit by a sudden sense of helplessness. Once again, I
was reliant on other people to potentially save my life. I wasn't aware of any pain.
Nevertheless I felt for injuries. I found only one. Something had sliced into the side of my
neck and was lodged there. My fingers felt the cold, sharp edges, and gradually I became
aware of the blood dripping from it, over my hand. I kept my hand there, for reassurance it
was real if nothing else.
I decided praying and pleading was useless. If they were supposed to save me, they would.
If they weren't then this was my time. I don't know what in me became so rational at that
point, but I sensed struggling would only make this messy situation all the worse. If this
was the end, which I think I unconsciously knew it was, then at least it could be peaceful.
Unlike my life.
I did have regrets. I would have regrets. Life hadn't exactly turned out the way I'd always
planned. I went over and over it, realising this could be my last chance to make sense of it.
Of all I'd lost, all the pain I'd suffered especially recently, and all I was about to lose as
well. I didn't register the irony of it being the anniversary for a moment, then I
remembered the date and allowed myself a sad smile. A year ago today, she'd died and I'd
lived. This year, was fate destined to finally catch up with me?
The thoughts I had in those minutes were both painful and intense under normal
circumstances, but I didn't have the strength to struggle against them. I had to let them
wash through me. I wondered who would live and who had died. Who would be strong
enough to get out? I wondered about leaving my colleagues, these people who had been
more of a family to me over the years than my blood relations, and especially I worried
about leaving Abby.
I wondered if somewhere under all of this she was alive. I wondered if she'd have the
baby, and what would happen if I wasn't around any more. I wasn't disappointed in her
for falling pregnant, how could I be? It was a shock, that was all. It wasn't her fault was
it? Just bad luck. All this was just bad luck. But I wouldn't ever get to tell her that. I
hoped she'd live, and I hoped she'd always know I would have been with her every step of
the way.
All those wonderful people lay somewhere under this, probably as alone as I was, thinking
similar things. Under this rubble, amongst this destruction there was still hope, but there
would also be great tragedy. I suppose I hoped I wouldn't live to see that, because I
wasn't strong enough to take any more tragedy. I may have been dying, but I sure as hell
didn't want to take everyone else with me. All those who had so much to live for -
families, friends, lovers. All those who were so important to me, they had to live.
I wondered how those who lived would cope, how they'd carry on. I couldn't bear the
thought of all that pain in their lives, or of me being partially at the heart of it. But I felt
sure they'd survive. They wouldn't have a choice. Survivors don't.
County General Hospital, 10:35am
Blood. That's all there was in the end. No pain, just my own blood, leaking slowly
through my fingers, soaking my shirt, ebbing my life away. I'd thought I was dying once
before. I'd been saved that time. Saved to die like this? I sensed it was
true. I held out little hope that a similar miracle would occur this time around. No ones that
lucky twice in their life. This was my death. This was it. Life sank away from me slowly,
dripping into a vivid red pool on the floor. I watched it, helpless but calm. Maybe I was
too shocked to feel pain. Whatever it was, I was secretly glad of it. I couldn't help myself.
It wasn't worth trying. There wasn't an ounce of will or care left in my body. Eventually, I
laid my head down on the cold linoleum floor and gave myself up to death. Sure enough, it
came, sucking the last breath from my lungs. I didn't feel sad, it was a release.
It wasn't a painful or particularily slow death, nor was it a struggle. There's no point in
fighting, sometimes it just makes the end all the worse.