Sorry for the long gap between the writing of recent chapters - I've been unbelieveably
busy! Anyway, I'm back with further chapters written from the perspective of the dead
and dying. Hope I haven't lost my touch.
Chapter 11: "Watching My Life Slip Away"
Luka Kovac, M.D
America was my promised land. I ran to it as a means of escape from the horrors of a past
I couldn't bear. It worked, for a while. Then slowly but surely, things fell apart again. I
was a jinx, everything I ever touched turned sour. Valentines Day 2002 proved to be no
different.
County General, 14/2/02 9:54am
I tried to sneak in unnoticed, difficult as I knew it would be. Weaver noticed everything. I
wasn't usually late, although my record had slipped lately. I was distracted. It was a
combination of things - these things always are - but the fundamental reason was the break
up. The knack I seemed to have of losing everything and everyone I ever loved.
"Care to explain?"
I feigned innocence and shrugged.
"You're late,"
"Oh,"
Her voice was like listening to nails scratch down a blackboard. It really grated. It was the
last thing I needed. She walked away, and I was quite glad of it.
"She's on the warpath again,"
I smiled at Halehs offhand comment as she passed. I must have been looking slightly
bemused. Weaver always was - couldn't live with her, couldn't live without her. I was just
turning towards the lounge to begin the day proper when I was blown off my feet. It took
me a second to regain my senses and realise what had happened. It was temporary though,
because there was a second explosion seconds later. I heard fire begin to rage, masonry
crashed and crumbled down around me. I didn't realise until the movement stopped that I
couldn't move. I was impaled, just below my ribcage, but in such a way I couldn't see
how bad it was. I closed my eyes, to try and shut out this devastating reality.
"Anyone else there?"
I knew that voice. How could I mistake it? Even through the coughs that followed, I knew
it was her. Someone else was alive.
"Help, help me,"
It sounded desperate, because it was. I didn't want to do this on my own. I didn't think I
could. I heard shuffling nearby. I couldn't look because I daren't move, but I knew she
was going to help me. The relief of having someone else nearby was uncalcuable.
"It's O.K. It's O.K. It's Abby. I'm here,"
Something in her slightly panicked tone was still soothing. She was trying reassurance, and
quite honestly even if I didn't believe it, it was still what I needed to hear.
"Abby..."
Speaking wasn't easy, every breath was an increasing effort. I listened intently for other
signs of life, as Abby fell temporarily silent. I knew I was pinned, I didn't know how bad it
was, and I didn't know if I wanted to either. All I could hear was fire, distantly, raging
through whatever was left.
"Dammit,"
She cursed quietly aside to herself. I had to ask. She'd seen the wound, and Abby
wouldn't lie to me. She couldn't.
"How bad is it?"
I choked out.
"Oh, I've seen worse,"
She said, lightly, in that way she had. Ever the professional. I allowed a small smile to
cross my face, difficult as it was, just to let her know I appreciated her efforts.
"You can't feel it can you?"
I shook my head sadly. She didn't need to tell me what that meant. I sensed her
helplessness, and it was echoed in me. Mine was a hopeless helplessness and hers just
frustrating. Did I know I was going to die? Maybe I did, maybe that's why I wasn't
struggling. I just didn't want to be on my own.
"What's going on?"
"I think it was a bomb,"
She answered matter of factly. That certainly made sense, but why? I knew I'd never
know. There were others under this with me, I knew there was. I did wonder about them -
whether they were alive or dead, or dying alone. I couldn't bear the thought. It slowly
sucked at whatever hope or will I had left.
"Stay with me, Abby,"
I implored her. She inched closer, I could sense her presence but couldn't look up into her
face. I couldn't bear it. I couldn't be alone though and was more glad than she'd ever
know that she was there for me. She didn't have to be - not after all that had happened
between us. Her hand sought mine through the masonry and she knotted her fingers
through mine. Time began to slip away from us, as we remained there just waiting.
Waiting for salvation - whatever form that would eventually take. Every minute weakened
me more. I was relieved when I heard the emergency services arrive. She tightened her
grip on my fingers. She was saved. I wasn't - I knew it in my heart - but she was. It was
far from over, but help was here. I was confused when they didn't enter the building
immediately. Come and get her, take this woman to safety...Course I didn't want to die,
and if they got me out then all the better, but Abby wasn't hurt badly. Abby could make it
through this. She was always stronger than me. Suddenly, the silence between us felt very
tense. Was there something she wasn't saying?
"I've got something I've got to tell you...."
She paused notably. I struggled to stay awake and listen to her. I could almost tell what it
was without her saying it. It was instinct - in my case, lightening always strikes the same
place twice it seems.
"I don't know if you can hear me. I'm pregnant, 9 weeks,"
"Mine?"
I struggled to whisper, then bit my lip, feeling stupid. Of course it was, otherwise why
would she tell me? Yet another stoke of bad luck for us both. I heard her take a deep
breath before answering. I'd annoyed her. She mock-scolded me instead, squeezing my
hand lightly. I could barely feel her touch now.
"Course yours, idiot!"
"I'm sorry, Abby,"
Sorry is such a meaningless word, but it was all I had. This wasn't happening. I was truly
sorry in that moment. For this whole situation, I was sorry. I was leaving her with my
child to care for. It gave me greater reason to get through, but I wasn't going to. It broke
my heart repeatedly in the silence that followed. If I had had the strength to cry I would
have, but I didn't. I just lay there, growing colder with the thought of my baby never
knowing its dad.
"For leaving you alone with my child.."
I finished momentarily, gasping a little. I couldn't hold on for her, I knew she wanted me
too, that in that moment I was what mattered to her, but I couldn't. This was too much.
Death was creeping up on me slowly, getting closer with every minute that passed.
"Don't say that. You're going nowhere. You'll die an old man, happy and safe, not here,
not now,"
The passion in her voice was unmistakable. Abby always was so damned stubborn - even
with hopeless cases such as myself.
"Anyone alive in here?"
I heard her yell for all she was worth. Help must finally be here.
"Helps here,"
Abby said hopefully. The nod was weaker. The wound was losing blood by the second and
there was nothing anyone could do for me anymore. I was a doctor, I knew death.
"Don't die on me O.K?"
Defiance pervaded her tone. The fire-fighters were inside the building when the third
explosion hit. Maybe it was a collapsing wall, but it shook the whole building and masonry
fell again. A third person joined our conversation
"Can I move this?"
The rescue worker asked gently. I guessed then that Abby must herself have been pinned.
The concrete fell away with a thwack. I saw the firefighter offer Abby his hand, but she
crouched over me protectively. Stones rained down again and it was imperative she went
now. It literally was now or never for her.
"Abby. Don't die for me,"
I whispered weakly but heroically. Don't dare stay, Abby, I'll never forgive you. Don't
you dare die for me. I'm not worth it and you know it, I thought angrily.
"You're going to live,"
She was trying not to cry, I saw it in her face for the first time. I could see her face, and
look directly into her tired eyes. I breathed out heavily, my breathing ever more laboured
by the second.
"No, Abby, I'm not. Save yourself, please,"
"I can't leave you,"
I loved her once. This woman, clinging so desperately to what's left of my life, more
desperately than even I am, this woman who's proved to be a bigger believer in hope than
I could have imagined. I love her still, but differently. This is about her and my baby. I
don't want her to leave, don't want to spend my last seconds alone, but I can't be selfish.
She has to go. I won't let her stay. I tried to tell her this with my gaze but she ignored my
pleas, turning her head away from me.
"I don't want to leave you either, but go please,"
The choked whisper was desperate. She turned back to me one last time and I saw she'd
made her decision. She lowered her head to mine and kissed my cheek lightly. I could
barely feel it, but it was a defining moment.
"I love you,"
It was almost imperceptible, but I felt it. Death was lurking nearby, and it took me quickly
in the end. I just closed my eyes and it was over.
busy! Anyway, I'm back with further chapters written from the perspective of the dead
and dying. Hope I haven't lost my touch.
Chapter 11: "Watching My Life Slip Away"
Luka Kovac, M.D
America was my promised land. I ran to it as a means of escape from the horrors of a past
I couldn't bear. It worked, for a while. Then slowly but surely, things fell apart again. I
was a jinx, everything I ever touched turned sour. Valentines Day 2002 proved to be no
different.
County General, 14/2/02 9:54am
I tried to sneak in unnoticed, difficult as I knew it would be. Weaver noticed everything. I
wasn't usually late, although my record had slipped lately. I was distracted. It was a
combination of things - these things always are - but the fundamental reason was the break
up. The knack I seemed to have of losing everything and everyone I ever loved.
"Care to explain?"
I feigned innocence and shrugged.
"You're late,"
"Oh,"
Her voice was like listening to nails scratch down a blackboard. It really grated. It was the
last thing I needed. She walked away, and I was quite glad of it.
"She's on the warpath again,"
I smiled at Halehs offhand comment as she passed. I must have been looking slightly
bemused. Weaver always was - couldn't live with her, couldn't live without her. I was just
turning towards the lounge to begin the day proper when I was blown off my feet. It took
me a second to regain my senses and realise what had happened. It was temporary though,
because there was a second explosion seconds later. I heard fire begin to rage, masonry
crashed and crumbled down around me. I didn't realise until the movement stopped that I
couldn't move. I was impaled, just below my ribcage, but in such a way I couldn't see
how bad it was. I closed my eyes, to try and shut out this devastating reality.
"Anyone else there?"
I knew that voice. How could I mistake it? Even through the coughs that followed, I knew
it was her. Someone else was alive.
"Help, help me,"
It sounded desperate, because it was. I didn't want to do this on my own. I didn't think I
could. I heard shuffling nearby. I couldn't look because I daren't move, but I knew she
was going to help me. The relief of having someone else nearby was uncalcuable.
"It's O.K. It's O.K. It's Abby. I'm here,"
Something in her slightly panicked tone was still soothing. She was trying reassurance, and
quite honestly even if I didn't believe it, it was still what I needed to hear.
"Abby..."
Speaking wasn't easy, every breath was an increasing effort. I listened intently for other
signs of life, as Abby fell temporarily silent. I knew I was pinned, I didn't know how bad it
was, and I didn't know if I wanted to either. All I could hear was fire, distantly, raging
through whatever was left.
"Dammit,"
She cursed quietly aside to herself. I had to ask. She'd seen the wound, and Abby
wouldn't lie to me. She couldn't.
"How bad is it?"
I choked out.
"Oh, I've seen worse,"
She said, lightly, in that way she had. Ever the professional. I allowed a small smile to
cross my face, difficult as it was, just to let her know I appreciated her efforts.
"You can't feel it can you?"
I shook my head sadly. She didn't need to tell me what that meant. I sensed her
helplessness, and it was echoed in me. Mine was a hopeless helplessness and hers just
frustrating. Did I know I was going to die? Maybe I did, maybe that's why I wasn't
struggling. I just didn't want to be on my own.
"What's going on?"
"I think it was a bomb,"
She answered matter of factly. That certainly made sense, but why? I knew I'd never
know. There were others under this with me, I knew there was. I did wonder about them -
whether they were alive or dead, or dying alone. I couldn't bear the thought. It slowly
sucked at whatever hope or will I had left.
"Stay with me, Abby,"
I implored her. She inched closer, I could sense her presence but couldn't look up into her
face. I couldn't bear it. I couldn't be alone though and was more glad than she'd ever
know that she was there for me. She didn't have to be - not after all that had happened
between us. Her hand sought mine through the masonry and she knotted her fingers
through mine. Time began to slip away from us, as we remained there just waiting.
Waiting for salvation - whatever form that would eventually take. Every minute weakened
me more. I was relieved when I heard the emergency services arrive. She tightened her
grip on my fingers. She was saved. I wasn't - I knew it in my heart - but she was. It was
far from over, but help was here. I was confused when they didn't enter the building
immediately. Come and get her, take this woman to safety...Course I didn't want to die,
and if they got me out then all the better, but Abby wasn't hurt badly. Abby could make it
through this. She was always stronger than me. Suddenly, the silence between us felt very
tense. Was there something she wasn't saying?
"I've got something I've got to tell you...."
She paused notably. I struggled to stay awake and listen to her. I could almost tell what it
was without her saying it. It was instinct - in my case, lightening always strikes the same
place twice it seems.
"I don't know if you can hear me. I'm pregnant, 9 weeks,"
"Mine?"
I struggled to whisper, then bit my lip, feeling stupid. Of course it was, otherwise why
would she tell me? Yet another stoke of bad luck for us both. I heard her take a deep
breath before answering. I'd annoyed her. She mock-scolded me instead, squeezing my
hand lightly. I could barely feel her touch now.
"Course yours, idiot!"
"I'm sorry, Abby,"
Sorry is such a meaningless word, but it was all I had. This wasn't happening. I was truly
sorry in that moment. For this whole situation, I was sorry. I was leaving her with my
child to care for. It gave me greater reason to get through, but I wasn't going to. It broke
my heart repeatedly in the silence that followed. If I had had the strength to cry I would
have, but I didn't. I just lay there, growing colder with the thought of my baby never
knowing its dad.
"For leaving you alone with my child.."
I finished momentarily, gasping a little. I couldn't hold on for her, I knew she wanted me
too, that in that moment I was what mattered to her, but I couldn't. This was too much.
Death was creeping up on me slowly, getting closer with every minute that passed.
"Don't say that. You're going nowhere. You'll die an old man, happy and safe, not here,
not now,"
The passion in her voice was unmistakable. Abby always was so damned stubborn - even
with hopeless cases such as myself.
"Anyone alive in here?"
I heard her yell for all she was worth. Help must finally be here.
"Helps here,"
Abby said hopefully. The nod was weaker. The wound was losing blood by the second and
there was nothing anyone could do for me anymore. I was a doctor, I knew death.
"Don't die on me O.K?"
Defiance pervaded her tone. The fire-fighters were inside the building when the third
explosion hit. Maybe it was a collapsing wall, but it shook the whole building and masonry
fell again. A third person joined our conversation
"Can I move this?"
The rescue worker asked gently. I guessed then that Abby must herself have been pinned.
The concrete fell away with a thwack. I saw the firefighter offer Abby his hand, but she
crouched over me protectively. Stones rained down again and it was imperative she went
now. It literally was now or never for her.
"Abby. Don't die for me,"
I whispered weakly but heroically. Don't dare stay, Abby, I'll never forgive you. Don't
you dare die for me. I'm not worth it and you know it, I thought angrily.
"You're going to live,"
She was trying not to cry, I saw it in her face for the first time. I could see her face, and
look directly into her tired eyes. I breathed out heavily, my breathing ever more laboured
by the second.
"No, Abby, I'm not. Save yourself, please,"
"I can't leave you,"
I loved her once. This woman, clinging so desperately to what's left of my life, more
desperately than even I am, this woman who's proved to be a bigger believer in hope than
I could have imagined. I love her still, but differently. This is about her and my baby. I
don't want her to leave, don't want to spend my last seconds alone, but I can't be selfish.
She has to go. I won't let her stay. I tried to tell her this with my gaze but she ignored my
pleas, turning her head away from me.
"I don't want to leave you either, but go please,"
The choked whisper was desperate. She turned back to me one last time and I saw she'd
made her decision. She lowered her head to mine and kissed my cheek lightly. I could
barely feel it, but it was a defining moment.
"I love you,"
It was almost imperceptible, but I felt it. Death was lurking nearby, and it took me quickly
in the end. I just closed my eyes and it was over.