Authors notes: I am working on another Dave chapter, I promise. It will
probably be the next one up. I'm not sure whether this chapter will fit
well with the character involved, but I liked the idea and thought it was
worth a go.
Chapter 19: "The Edge Of The Sky" Robert Romano M.D
Dawns breaks slowly over the water and I realize I've done it again. I've sat up all night, my fevered imaginings and twisting, furious paranoia keeping my body from the sleep it screams for.
I left Chicago three months ago now. I just picked up my keys and drove, left the city trailing in my wake, in ruins, struggling to cope with the scale of the tragedy that had so inexplicably befallen it. I haven't been back.
I ended up here. No phones, no computers. It's somewhere, anywhere. I don't know. All that's real to me anymore is the sky, the water and my shattered heart. And it's here, in the loneliness of my own company that I'm going slowly mad.
Mad with guilt, mad with grief and mad with blame. I don't wonder about those left behind, those with the strength, with the honour to fight this battle and hopefully win. Those who'd lived through a tragedy we all hoped we'd never see, a tragedy I feared was fault.
I'm not a survivor, I don't deserve to be one. If I'm such a terrible person to have caused this devastation, I don't deserve to be alive. Its this guilt, this fear that weighs down my days and haunts sleepless nights.
I pull myself from the chair, cross slowly to the mantle and pick up the keys. I've got to get something constructive done. I may neglect other things, but I still eat.
Its refreshing to be in this town in the middle of nowhere, where people don't know me. They don't know where I've come from, who I am or why I'm here and they don't particularly care. There's a silent understanding, and they never ask.
It was hard to avoid it afterwards, in the media glare that inevitably followed. They snared Elizabeth, and others, but they avoided me. I hid myself from their intrusive lenses at the very time I should have been a figurehead to my beleaguered and devastated staff. I couldn't be the leader they needed.
Outwardly, I'm still the man I was. Inwardly, I hate myself and it's killing me. I'm going insane. The number of times I've drive to the edge of the cliff overhanging the lake, and sat there, with my foot on the gas and the engine running.
It says something that I haven't been able to drive over yet. Something is keeping me on this earth, something far out with my control. I'd give anything to have burned alive in my office that day, to avoid all of this.
That's a horrible, cold and selfish thought, for I was given the chance. I can't help but think of the irony, all this devastation and they missed the prime target anyway. I brought this on myself, and I wouldn't have minded so much if it had only been me who had ended up suffering.
It was other people's grief that was suffocating. Elizabeth lost the love of her life, and nothing can ever make that right. Abby lost her best friend, and in a cruel double blow the father of the baby she was carrying.
I didn't lose anyone that day. I wasn't close enough to anyone to have any claim over their death. Yet I'm to blame for them. So now I'm alone, at the edge of the sky, waiting to fall.
Chapter 19: "The Edge Of The Sky" Robert Romano M.D
Dawns breaks slowly over the water and I realize I've done it again. I've sat up all night, my fevered imaginings and twisting, furious paranoia keeping my body from the sleep it screams for.
I left Chicago three months ago now. I just picked up my keys and drove, left the city trailing in my wake, in ruins, struggling to cope with the scale of the tragedy that had so inexplicably befallen it. I haven't been back.
I ended up here. No phones, no computers. It's somewhere, anywhere. I don't know. All that's real to me anymore is the sky, the water and my shattered heart. And it's here, in the loneliness of my own company that I'm going slowly mad.
Mad with guilt, mad with grief and mad with blame. I don't wonder about those left behind, those with the strength, with the honour to fight this battle and hopefully win. Those who'd lived through a tragedy we all hoped we'd never see, a tragedy I feared was fault.
I'm not a survivor, I don't deserve to be one. If I'm such a terrible person to have caused this devastation, I don't deserve to be alive. Its this guilt, this fear that weighs down my days and haunts sleepless nights.
I pull myself from the chair, cross slowly to the mantle and pick up the keys. I've got to get something constructive done. I may neglect other things, but I still eat.
Its refreshing to be in this town in the middle of nowhere, where people don't know me. They don't know where I've come from, who I am or why I'm here and they don't particularly care. There's a silent understanding, and they never ask.
It was hard to avoid it afterwards, in the media glare that inevitably followed. They snared Elizabeth, and others, but they avoided me. I hid myself from their intrusive lenses at the very time I should have been a figurehead to my beleaguered and devastated staff. I couldn't be the leader they needed.
Outwardly, I'm still the man I was. Inwardly, I hate myself and it's killing me. I'm going insane. The number of times I've drive to the edge of the cliff overhanging the lake, and sat there, with my foot on the gas and the engine running.
It says something that I haven't been able to drive over yet. Something is keeping me on this earth, something far out with my control. I'd give anything to have burned alive in my office that day, to avoid all of this.
That's a horrible, cold and selfish thought, for I was given the chance. I can't help but think of the irony, all this devastation and they missed the prime target anyway. I brought this on myself, and I wouldn't have minded so much if it had only been me who had ended up suffering.
It was other people's grief that was suffocating. Elizabeth lost the love of her life, and nothing can ever make that right. Abby lost her best friend, and in a cruel double blow the father of the baby she was carrying.
I didn't lose anyone that day. I wasn't close enough to anyone to have any claim over their death. Yet I'm to blame for them. So now I'm alone, at the edge of the sky, waiting to fall.