Summary: Bobby broods over his father, Nicole, his lapsed religious faith and everything that's wrong with his life. Too depressed to write to his mother, he e-mails his friend Max, the rabbi mentioned in Shandeh. A few oblique spoilers for the season 2 finale.
Disclaimers: The usual. Bobby isn't mine. I doubt my family would allow me to keep him anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To: bagels'nlox@home.com
From: bobbygoren@mcs.com
Dear Max,
Am I being unjust
In showing disgust
At a woman who teases
To get what she pleases
When it's really myself I don't trust?
Sure my passions combust
And my mind fills with lust
My Mom thinks I'm a saint
Full of earnest restraint
But I really just do what I must.
These whispering ghosts
Leave me scared and morose
Judging every new date
And potential soul mate
They prevent me from gettin' too close.
You know Nicole was correct
I WANT to connect
Am I socially retarded
Or is my heart just too guarded
In its search for love and respect?
With the superficial stuff
I'm rarely rebuffed
I've no trouble flirting
But I still end up hurting
What I'm offered is never emotionally enough.
I know where Mom stood
On marryin' girls in the 'hood
But I'm open to reason
And see the truth is less pleasin'
It was them and not me were too good.
Oh the times I've been burned -
You would think I'd have learned!
When every dog and his bitch
Are out scratching their itch
Why is love a wasteland, far as I am concerned?
Though I will not decline
Safe sex most of the time
I'm gettin' really tired of
Never havin' acquired love
Chuggin' ale when I long for fine wine.
When Mom and I were left in the lurch
I learned to hate God and church!
Marriage was a cruel scam
As perpetrated by THAT man -
Dad derailed my relationship search!
I was raised by a quitter!
With his cheap whores Dad littered
The cloying scent of perfume
Till it clung to each room -
Forgive me for sounding so bitter!
Unlike Dad I hate phonies
And playing the ponies
I don't want a good time
But something lasting that's mine -
A family - not just casual cronies.
But thoughts of children I dread
Dad still lives in my head
If I had a child
Would I end up reviled?
The one whose son prayed his father was dead?
It only takes a few beer
'Til the problem seems clear
I've plenty of luck
When I just want to f*ck
But intimacy remains a veneer.
I'm disillusioned with waiting
Through more senseless dating
All the evidence is conclusive
My dreams of family elusive -
It's time to learn to enjoy masturbating.
Though I never lost control
There was appeal to Nicole
Why did she have to be
The one to understand me -
Is it some hidden flaw in my soul?!
If I could only have shown
Her the child she disowned
Nicole had the potential
But lacked something essential
And will never see the need to atone.
To know she's depraved
And I'M what she craved
The thought doesn't enthrall
It makes my skin crawl
Like standing at a fresh open grave.
I was a deer in the lights
Trapped in her sights
And though I escaped
My mind was thoroughly raped
I'm grateful I knew how to fight!
Why should it have mattered
That I was almost flattered?
Because she forced me to dwell
In my personal hell
With the ghost of the man that I shattered!
As hubris was the veil
That shrouded Ahab's whale
Although Nicole lied -
So it was MY pride
That allowed her foul scheme to prevail.
I deserve being disgraced!
The blame wasn't misplaced
I let my lack of respect
For familial neglect
Blindside my reason with distaste!
So my ego took a licking -
It'll keep right on ticking
Though not quite Macbeth
I still fathered a death
And THAT is the point that is sticking!
This is who I became
When my Mom went insane
Why wasn't God there
To heal my despair
And relieve me of the overwhelming shame?
Max, you say it's God's plan
That I be as I am
But it'd be easier to bear
If I believed that He cared -
I need the faith of my childhood again
Yes I'm feeling betrayed
But you needn't be afraid
I can't eat my gun -
Who'd take care of my Mom?
I've got to live with the life that I've made.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~