Hey-o, and welcome to my Lil' World of Weirdness!!

I state for the record that I don't own Gundam Wing, or the wonderful characters that will be gracing this story. . . I do however lay claim to Ensign Saratone *again*, and I use him here purely as a replacement for your average Nameless OZ Minion. Hm, warnings . . . let's see . . . some potty mouth, naughty thoughts, more potty mouth, and erm, yaoi . . . it's like eating ready salted Pringles with Nutella chocolate spread, ya just don't know how much you'll love it, unless you try!!

Okay, that's the legal stuff out the way!!

//Thinking//

"Speaking"

*Stress/Emphasis*

~*~

**Gundammit!!**

By Doctor Megalomania

Chapter 5: Antisocial Git

There in the doorway stood Relena.

Her chest heaved slightly from where she had pelted down the stairs on to the gangway, her hair was impossibly neat with only three hairs out of place, and her lovely pink suit and skirt was impeccable. The blonde haired girl walked over double speed, her light pink shoes – flats of course – clacking quietly. She focused on Heero and pushed through Trowa and Duo to get to him.

"Whoa!! Watch it lady!"

" . . .!!"

"Heero . . . don't worry, I'm---"

"REEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNN—NNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!"

Relena screamed and covered her ears, crouching to the ground, the five pilots jumped almost out of their skin, and quickly dived for cover, even Heero's knuckles went white from where he was gripping the railing so tightly. Above the hanger, several engineers spilled their coffee and tea, Howard's cigar fell out of his mouth, and Pargen actually opened his eyes widely . . . a flock of birds that had decided to rest on the roof of the bridge squalled and took off quickly . . . and somewhere deep in the bowls of the ship, in the deck five's toilets a constipated man was happily relieved . . .

Blinking, Relena staggered to her feet and stared at the suddenly close features of Deathscythe. Her mouth fell open as the Gundam of Wufei slapped it's forehead, her mind reeled when Trowa's Gundam threw it's head back and started to laugh, her shoulders drooped in shock as Sandrock cocked it's head and placed it's hands on it's hip.

"Deathscythe!!" Quatre's voice boomed from Sandrock.

Relena's eyes filled with tears of pure shock and incomprehension, as Deathscythe twisted it's massive head to look up, "What-o?"

"Don't do that . . . it's disrespectful to our pilots' audio sensors . . ."

"I just thought . . ." Deathscythe, Duo's voice and pitch floating cheerfully from the Gundam, turned back to Relena as if to grin, "That since she does it to Heero all the time, Miss Relena-important-type-boss-lady would like it done back to her . . ."

Relena blinked. Relena gaped like a goldfish. Relena raised a hand and pointed at the five Gundams. Relena's mind fizzed out with an audible 'fitz'.

And then Relena went slumping to the ground.

"Whooooooooaaaaaa. . ."

Heero cradled Relena as Quatre gently tried to rouse the girl, Deathscythe and the rest of the Gundams were lent forward trying to see what had happened. "Woooowww. . ." Duo's voice drawled from Deathscythe, the Gundam's gel green eyes flaring slightly with awe, "I killed her . . ."

Trowa shook his head, "You didn't kill her . . . she just fainted."

"She did?" Deathscythe sounded disappointed, "Gundammit! And I thought I'd finally accomplished it!"

Relena chose that particular moment to wake up. She stared at Deathscythe, processing his last statement, "You're trying to kill me?"

"Isn't *everybody*?!" Deathscythe nodded enthusiastically, "Of course . . . only a few months ago, didn't you say . . . and I quote from very reliable sources, 'Heeeeeeeeee-roh . . . Commmmmmeeeeee and Kiiiiiilllllll meeeeeee!!'?" The Gundam chuckled loudly and motioned the others, "Does it really have to be Heero, or can we all try our luck?"

Relena's eyes crossed . . . and then rolled back in her head.

"That wasn't very funny!"

Quatre yelled up as he tried to rouse Relena for a second time. He sighed and allowed Trowa to try his hand at it for a bit. The blonde hair boy turned to look at the five Gundams, "In fact that's very cruel to admit that you're trying to kill our world's only hope for peace. . ."

"How does that figure?" Nataku challenged, he pointed at Relena with a bright yellow dragon claw, "How can *she* be this world's only hope for peace, she's a spoil, rich, naïve, obsessive stalker . . . and incredibly offensive to the audio processors?" The Gundam folded it's arms and nodded much like Wufei would have done, "The question isn't how will she save the world from itself, it's how long will it take for the grating quality of her voice take to . . . oh wait . . ." The massive Gundam turned to announce his sudden flash of inspiration, "I get it now!"

"Get what?" Heavyarms inquired quietly, Nataku seemed quite excited.

"Why Relena will save the earth, and how she will do it!"

"Really?" Deathscythe reached over to poke at Relena, succeeding in almost knocking Wufei over. "How's that then, Wu?"

"Her voice . . . her entire *personality* . . . what they're waiting for is for every one to realise how annoying she is . . . that's why they are carting her about everywhere . . . making sure everyone gets a good dose of Relena . . .and then, when the annoyance sets in, everyone's going to forget how much they hate the other side, and then unite against a common enemy – RELENA PEACECRAFT!!!"

Deathscythe, Heavyarms and even Sandrock clapped as ShenLong took a bow.

"That's not true!" Quatre frowned as his own Gundam started to laugh with the others over this. "Relena will succeed in achieving peace for us through her lectures about Total Pacifism!!"

"Oooohhh, Suuuuuure, Q-and-A . . ." Deathscythe hummed comfortingly, "Of course good ol' Relena Peacecrap will achieve Boredom for us through her chatterings about Total Pain-in-the-ass-ism . . ."

As Relena was holed up in bed, recovering from her intense shock, the pilots decided to dedicate some time to talking privately to their Gundams. . .

"So . . ."

Quatre smiled as his Gundam trailed off, before beginning again. "So?"

"So . . ." Sandrock sounded like he was blushing, and Quatre could faintly feel embarrassment from his own Gundam. "So, when are you going to . . . y'know with . . . Trowa and . . .?"

The blonde hair pilot sighed, "I don't think I ever will . . . I mean . . . I can't even be sure that he. . ."

". . . returns my feelings . . ." Trowa confessed quietly, "I would love to be able to tell him but I . . . I don't want to risk our friendship."

Heavyarms was silent for a moment, digesting the information. Trowa felt exposed but calm, he had talked to his Gundam for ages, but Heavyarms had never had the capability to assess and contribute to any of the conversations. The Gundam clucked, a particular sound, that Trowa had only ever heard coming from Catherine. He blinked at this, and listened intently as the soft voice filtered around the cockpit again, "What makes you think that the kindness he gives you, the way he treats you cannot continue if you. . ."

". . .reveal your passion for him, I'm sure . . ." Sandrock paused and thought about the way he was going to phrase this, "I'm sure that Trowa would be able to take it much better than you predict. Even if he did not return you affections . . ." The Gundam paused again before continuing in a gentler tone, "Even if he didn't return your affections, I'm sure Trowa would continue to treat you in the same fashion that he treats you now."

Quatre nodded, "I'm sure he would but . . . at least . . . at least now, I can be a little affectionate to him, and not have him suspect it, rather than if I did tell him, every touch would be restricted . . ."

"True . . ." Sandrock fell silent again except for a soft hum, the gentle thrumming of his engines at work.

"Do you fight often with Deathscythe?"

Nataku didn't answer at first, his machinery humming quietly. Wufei rolled his eyes, "Well?"

"We do not fight . . . we 'bicker' . . . a lot, but we are together as a team. We do not fight." Nataku answer calmly, "It would be dishonourable of us to inflict an injury before battle, that could impair one of our own number."

Wufei smiled slightly, "That's reassuring." He sat back and closed his eyes, "Do you enjoy being aware of yourself . . .?"

"To be on the same level of awareness, yes . . . but you must be conscious that we did have our own level before hand . . . we could not perhaps capable of independent thought, but we could . . ." The Gundam trailed off, "I'm not sure how to describe it, suffice to say, that the ability to communicate has helped . . ."

The black haired pilot chuckled, "Indeed? Well, that's good . . . do you . . ." he hesitated, "Do you remember Nataku?"

"Yes."

"She was meant for you." Wufei admitted softly, "I wouldn't have been here if she had not died . . . you would have had a stronger pilot."

"I regret her passing. She assisted in my rescue and protection, and I have nothing but pride that she chose to fight for me. However . . . no matter what you choose to think Wufei, I believe you to be a strong pilot, the best for myself and for this team."

Wufei cracked an eye open, and smirked at the undertone of his Gundam's voice, "You're actually really sarcastic at heart, aren't you?"

"Oh come on!" Nataku's voice betraying open sarcasm now, "The last time you felt unworthy you stepped onto a paddling boat with out a paddle and floated off profoundly . . . what else am I supposed to say?!"

"Are you really trying to kill her?"

"Professor, no." Deathscythe chuckled, "It's fun to mess with her head though . . . think she'd let us kick it about for a bit?"

Duo laughed, "I've got a mean one here, haven't I?"

"Hey, well . . . I can't help it . . ." Deathscythe's voice twisted to a light, childish tone, "It's cause you made me this way, and it's your fault!"

"Oh really?"

"Yeah really!"

Duo chuckled, "So what are you thinking about the war?"

"I'm thinkin' I wanna mess with Relena's head sum'more . . ."

"Deathscythe!"

Relena poked her head into the small cockpit. "Heero?"

Silently, Heero came into her line of sight, and starred at her blankly. Relena smiled brightly, "You are here!"

Heero rolled his eyes and returned to his previous position. Relena, undeterred by this, climbed in further. She leant carefully against a wall, and smiled, "So . . . Heero . . . now we are alone . . ." she smiled and held out a bag, "I brought you lunch."

"Hn."

"And I also brought you some new clothes, and some pillows and blankets . . . oh, and remember I would like you to get a haircut before we go to the Ambassador's ball . . ." As Relena talked, and talked and talked, Heero thought about his situation. Wing was now aware of himself. That alone was a new variable, could Wing over ride his—

"No."

"You don't like my idea?" Relena blinked, as if this wasn't possible, "But Heero . . . I think you'd look very nice in rose pink---"

"He didn't say anything, moron." Wing snapped irritably, "I did. . . and I wasn't talking to you . . . and if I was . . ." the Gundam trailed off, "Oh, forget it."

Heero crawled out from under a control panel and blinked, his Gundam was not sounding very . . . happy. "Wing?"

The silence was almost solid as Relena and Heero stared around the small cockpit. The Gundam sighed and then answered, "Heero."

"What's wrong?"

"Hn."

Heero blinked, "Pardon me?"

"*HN*!!!" Wing grunted louder, and then shut down . . . actually shut down. Every panel flicked off, the buttons powered down, and the lights faded away. Wing had shut himself down, without Heero's consent!

"What a rude. . ." Relena frowned, "Heero, I think you should have a talk with your Gundam!"

Heero in the meantime sat there blinking. Wing was angry? How could his Gundam be so emotional?! He sighed and clenched his fist, adding to his mental tally of the number of times he was going to kick Doctor J for his life, and everything the bastard had done to him. Relena placed a warm hand on his shoulder, and murmured, "Honestly Heero, you'd think that Wing would have taken after you, and not after that coarse Maxwell. . .  I think you should keep Duo and his Gundam away from—"

Heero ignored her, as always Relena had reduced the problem to Duo's fault. If there was one thing he disliked about Relena, was the fact she had taken to blaming Duo for anything and everything that went wrong around them. Since they had started – he sighed – going together, dating or whatever it was she had decided they were doing, Relena had an almost rabid reaction against Duo. She didn't— a blip on the screen in front of him took his thoughts off that topic.

Wing jerked back into life at this point, returning to normal functions instantly. Heero nodded, "Wing, report."

"All systems at optimal efficiency." Wing's voice had now taken on Heero's cool demeanour, and there was no trace of the pervious anger he was expressing. Heero cocked his eyebrow . . . what on earth was wrong with his Gundam?

 ----------------------------

And Now It's Time to LEAVE IT TO DOCTOR MEGALOMANIA!!!

DrM: [giggles happily] hello!! [proceeds to hug everyone] hello, how are you today? Are you okay?

Wing: [whispering] what in the hell is up with her?

Deathscythe: [whispering] don't tell my you forgot it's her birthday today?

Wing: [gulps] erm . . . I'm the perfect soldier's Gundam . . . of-of course not!!

Nataku: [whispering gleefully] you DID forget, didn't you?! [calls out] HEY!! DrM, Wing forgot it's your birthday!!

DrM: [smiles] that's okay . . .

All: Na-nani?!

DrM: [pulls out Legolas and Strider] 'Cause I went to see Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers today!! [huggles] I think I just found a new yaoi couple I like!!

Legolas: [waves cutely] Hi, I'm pretty, I've got long hair, and am very elf like!!

DrM: [beams happily] Just like Duo!!

Strider: Hi . . . I fall off cliffs and survive.

DrM: [points] just like Heero!! It all works for me!!

Gandalf: but what about Erwin, and Strider's betrothal to her, and the readers R&R-ing?

DrM: [blinks] oh, the readers can R&R all they like, in fact I would love it if they would!! Please? Pretty please?

Gandalf: And Strider's commitments?!

DrM: [grabs all her favourite yaoi pairings and skips off] La, la, la!!

Big Giant Eye Dude: I want to blink, I want to look away . . . but this damned contact lens . . . [rolls eye] and people wonder why my eye is so big and red . . .

Gandalf: [raising staff] Readers . . . YOU. . . SHALL. . . REVIEW!! [Strikes staff against the review button]