Hey-o, and welcome to my Lil' World of Weirdness!!

I state for the record that I don't own Gundam Wing, or the wonderful characters that will be gracing this story. . . I do however lay claim to Ensign Saratone *again*, and I use him here purely as a replacement for your average Nameless OZ Minion. Hm,usual warnings . . . but it's not like anyone reads this bit up here anyway so . . .

Oh, and timeline . . . uh, yeah, WHAT timeline?! Both the Eypon and Tallgeese is still in service, and Zechs flies both of them regularly . . . okay? I know, I know . . . it doesn't follow cannon . . . but when the HELL have any of my stories ever followed cannon?!

Okay, that's the legal stuff out the way!!

//Thinking//

"Speaking"

*Stress/Emphasis*

~*~

**Gundammit!!**

By Doctor Megalomania

- Thanks go out to D.I. Angel for Zechs' little tirade . . . it's just something she wrote in a review that just gave me inspiration. And before I forget, Thanks also go out to Queen of Vegetasei for something else, something for the ending (yup, the ending is in sight!!) but I can't reveal anything just yet! Clow'd9 also gets thanks for keeping me enthusiastic, QOVAD for having some fun with me and Blue gets a whole round of applause and a standing O because she's really a brilliant beta reader, who puts up with my last minute changes, my terrible spelling, my midnight phone calls and 3am text messages with plot ideas and my little tantrums . . . any mistakes you find are NOT because she missed 'em, but because I made a last minute change before I posted it. Generally, I go back and correct the mistakes after I finish the fic, but until then please do have some patience with me.

Also: warning for some cussing of the religious nature . . . I say this all the time, and it amuses my housemates when they hear it . . . but there may be some people easily offended . . . sorry, please don't kill me.

Chapter 14: The Whereabouts of Sanity

"I think we should just completely re-render their memory banks and completely restart them . . . just wipe it all out so we can start again . . . this is just a step back; it's not helping us at all!"

"We can't do that!! They have feelings now! They have thoughts, Heero, they can independently move!! It should be left up to them if they wish to be killed—"

"I wouldn't say we would be killing them, Quatre."

"Trowa! I would have thought with your feelings about animals, you'd be the first to leap to their defence!!"

"Yeah! The Q-man's right on this one! We can't just kill them, guys that would be murder now! They're intelligent life forms!"

"Just because they can chatter like chimps, and are overly hyper-active doesn't mean they are intelligent. . . I mean, Maxwell here does all of those things, and I don't class him as intelligent . . ."

"Funny, Wuffers . . . real funny, let's see how funny you are when I shove this coffee cup up your little scientist nose and make you hurl up those mushy green you ate for dinner, shall we?!"

"Don't make threats you have no hope of seeing through, Maxwell. Besides, this warrior will regurgitate no peas. It would be dishonourable to the peas. I will regurgitate no peas!"

". . . Gee thanks, Wu . . . I didn't need to eat for the next few days . . . seriously . . ."

"That's not the point you guys!"

Quatre flopped back on his bed, they had been arguing around in circles in the dark for hours now. The five pilots shared a small trainees' dormitory, and it had become their impromptu boardroom, as they felt safe here away from OZ . . . no matter how much those Scumbags told them they had a ceasefire, the pilots chose not to be too lax around them. There were two bunks and a single, the single was under the massive window, and the two bunks lined against the walls. Everything was a distinct grey, leading Duo to suppose that OZ spent what little Heero left in their accounts after his hacking jobs on the decoration of the prison cells . . . Quatre pointed out that the cells were always black and dark . . . which Duo countered with a wide grin saying that at least their enemy had some taste in colours . . .

Anyway, they were arguing about whether or not it was ethical to remove the Gundams' new programming. After all, the new programming had lead the Gundams to lose their previous friendships, their previous . . . Quatre closed his eyes in the dark and swallowed, their previous relationships. Sandrock was shocked when Quatre told him about their past lives. There was a brief moment when Sandrock mourn this, but he – like Trowa- quickly shuttered up this emotion and buried it. //probably to take out and examine when he is alone// Quatre groused to himself, irritated that one of Trowa's more exasperating traits where he'd only allow his façade to break down when in private had been passed to his Gundam. But just because his Gundam had inherited this Quatre saw no reason to kill his Gundam. Maybe it would be better this way . . . so he'd have some friction with his Gundam . . .

Friction . . . while Quatre was worrying whether it was healthy for his Gundam to retreat from his feelings; Duo worried about the kind of friction there would be between his Gundam and himself. Duo was worried that his buddy would ignore him now, like Heero did all the time to him. However Duo knew that he couldn't just eliminate his buddy just because he ignored Duo sometimes . . . hey, that would be like shooting Heero in the back of the head, just because the damned laptop got most of the dark haired teen's attention. In many ways Heero was more like the Gundams now than the Gundams were . . . he was a cold, mean, fighting machine made out the most indestructible substance known to man kind . . . well, he sure as hell wasn't made of diamond, but gundamnium was close enough right?

Duo snickered out loud.

"What are you laughing at now?"

Wufei frowned as Duo murmured that it was nothing, and turned back to his internal thinking. Wufei wasn't complete against destroying the new programming, but he wasn't completely for it either. He liked having Nataku answer back, but now his Gundam had changed personalities from his own to Winner's, Wufei wasn't so sure any more that he wanted his rants contested and dealt with in such a business-like manner, or being reassured with that soft tone that Winner often used. It just wasn't justice. Of course having Winner was better than having Maxwell any day, but the ideal situation would be having the old style of programming again. He wanted Nataku to talk, but he also wanted Nataku to understand him as well. Wufei growled and rolled over.

Trowa stared in the vague direction of the top bunk, as Wufei's shuffling made the bedsprings squeak uneasily. He sighed, and folded his arms behind his head, he – like the others – was also thinking deeply about the situation, about his Gundam, Heavyarms, and the arguments that had been presented. He preferred the Heavyarms of old, this new Heavyarms was too self contained, consistently blowing up about minor things and didn't remember anything about the love that he once held for his fellow Gundam, Sandrock. This was a disappointment, because Trowa found that Heavyarms was able to give him plenty of advice when it came to dealing with Quatre, because the two Gundams had been in a relationship a lot longer than Trowa had even considered. This new Heavyarms was far too selfish for Trowa's liking and he wished that the Scientists had never laid a finger or screwdriver on his beloved Gundam. Trowa sighed, and tiled his head so he could look out the window, and noticed Heero was sitting up in his bed.

Heero had taken the single, just because he felt happier in single beds. The idea of being in a bed that could either potential crush you, or crush the person below you had never really appealed to him so he had strode straight into the room and taken the single under the window. He was sat up and leant his forearm on the windowsill. He rested his chin on the well-toned limbs.

You'd think he – as the perfect solider – was contemplating what to do next in this situation. Or perhaps, he would be strategising his next argument so to effectively render any counter-argument Duo or Quatre made completely worthless. Or even, how he considered his relationship with Wing to be now that the Gundam was possessed by Duo's personality and was infuriatingly cute in his pursuit of knowledge . . .

But no.

The Perfect Soldier was wondering what the hell else Duo would have said had he not lost his nerve. // It's not like I'll pounce on you in the next mission, maul you and demand you throw me up against a wall and. . .// the words rattled around his mind maddeningly. //And? And what?// he squinted as he stared hard at his Gundam. Wing was sitting on the ground, leant against Deathscythe's leg, holding a half exploded Aries' head casing protectively as if it was some sort of peculiar teddy bear. Heero wasn't that worried about the Gundam; Wing was bright and intelligent . . . yet somehow it . . . it hurt that Wing and Deathscythe didn't realise that they used to be very much in love. It hurt that rather than respond to the clumsy cuddles, Deathscythe chose to ignore Wing. It hurt to know that Wing couldn't tell Deathscythe casually that he loved him. Heero shifted his focus to the glass of window, and stared at the refection of the long length of braid that hung from the top bunk behind him.

And maybe somewhere it hurt that he couldn't hear how three loving words sounded coming from his voice, in tones that actually suggested he meant them . . .

The braid swung as the owner turned over, soft snoring issuing from that bunk that caressed his trained ear delicately.

. . . or that he might never know what Duo's fantasy involved him doing.

Heero shifted and lay down in his bed again, throwing one arm over his eyes and falling into a deep dream where he threw Duo against a wall and the lithe boy demand that he . . .

Zechs sighed.

And then he sighed a little louder.

He folded his arms and glared at the foot of his bed and let out an explosive sigh.

Then he sighed a tiny little sigh, which sent his platinum bangs tickling his forehead.

"Why so grim, Zechs?"

He looked up at Noin as she slid into the bed beside him. They were sharing a dorm room, far from the Gundams in case Wing discovered their room and decided to wake them up to see what happened. Zechs set his mask down on the table between their two bunks, and sighed deeply again. "It's just . . ." He sighed again as he confessed, "So boring . . . I mean, without the Gundams to terrorise us, and us retaliating and trying to find new and exciting ways of stopping the Gundam menace I just feel . . ." he looked off, his light blue eyes seemingly dull, almost on the verge of tears with his deep boredom. "I just feel as if I'm just here to stand there and look pretty . . ." he lifted morose eyes to Noin, "Am I? Am I really just here to stand there and look pretty? Is that the grand purpose of my life, just to stand there next to Treize and look pretty?"

Noin shook her head, "Of course not, it's because you're really good at what you do!"

"But what if what I do, what I'm best at is standing there and looking pretty?!" Zechs cried out neurotically, he shook his thin, pale hands out at her, "What am I supposed to tell my grandchildren in the future when they ask what I did in the wars?!!" He scoffed, and tossed his pale blonde bangs in the air with irritation, "Oh, I just stood there and looked pretty!! Noin!! Answer me!! AM I REALLY JUST HERE TO STAND THERE AND LOOK PRETTY?!"

Noin gasped as Zechs flung himself onto her bed, and sobbed in her lap. She consoled him slowly, as the Lightning Baron poured out his insecurities about his dashing looks and his worth as an OZ soldier . . .

Treize sighed as Zechs' voice rang out.

"What's his problem?" Une growled quietly as she looked up from her laptop. He and Une were also sharing a dorm room, for the same reason as Zechs and Noin. He supposed it would have been the more gentlemanly thing to let the two women share while he and Zechs roughed it out together in the room next door . . . but Treize knew Zechs too well, and had seen this emotional breakdown well in advance. So he batted his pretty eyelids at Lady Une and the woman had insisted on sharing the room with him so she could be at his beck and call . . . Treize smirked to himself, he loved him lots. Not only could he stand there and look pretty, he was also pretty damn smart.

Une was typing away at her laptop, as she sat up in bed. Her hair was down but the glasses were still in place so Zechs wasn't about to get a visit from the concerned and reassuring half of the good lady tonight . . . maybe from the hardened commandant of OZ if he continued this level of noise, but other than that it was tough cookies for ol' Zechsy The Ever Sexy. 

Treize strode away from the window, unimpressed with the view. It reminded him of his college days when he used to stare out and see nothing but straight into the Girls' Shower Rooms, because his room was at that prefect angle which for some unknown reason managed to defy the frosting in those shower room window glass. While for perhaps some red-blooded boys who hadn't quite seen the light or the sheer beauty and inspiration of a stellar view, Treize found himself unimpressed by withering female bodies, soapy and wet under hot sprays. Not to say that Treize didn't appreciate the naked human form, it was just he preferred to see it when it was either tastefully sculptured or laid out before him in a seductive pose, illuminated by soft candle light.

. . . Yeah, he got plenty of strange looks when he told people too.

Anyway, the view he got from this room wasn't exactly the best thing he had ever seen. In fact it just plain . . . he frowned as he couldn't find any better word to describe it other than 'sucky'. He made a mental note to avoid Wing Gundam and that Maxwell boy. He sighed and slipped into bed, lying back against headboard and pulled up his book. He was reading a famous pre-colony book, written by a woman who truly understood the human condition. Her keen observations and her remarkable stories never ceased to amaze him. He reflected that the five main characters from the book reminded him a lot of the five pilots.

Lady Une glanced at the cover of Treize's book as her computer began its shut down procedure. //The Famous Five?!// She felt her eye twitch, and shook her head. "Commander?"

"Hmm?" Treize hummed as he turned the page, "Yes, my dear Lady?"

"What if we take the programming that the scientists developed, and use it on our own suits?" Lady Une pondered, she made a motion with her hand, "Because it might be beneficial to us if our mobile suits could talk and relay information to the pilot too . . ."

"Now, see we tried this once." Treize pouted, and put down his book, "Remember the ZERO system?"

She nodded.

"Remember where that got us?"

She shook her head.

Treize winced, of course she didn't remember because she'd been in a coma. "Hmm . . ." he hummed, "Well let's just say . . . you know that blonde pilot?"

"Quatre Winner?" Une's brows knitted, "Zero Four?"

He nodded slowly.

"What of him?"

"Did you hear about the pilot who went crazy and blew up one colony, made good progress on another and almost killed two other Gundam pilots before he was subdued?"

Une blinked. "No way . . ."

Treize nodded solemnly. "That's why we don't try and use any of the Scientists' technology any more . . . it's crap . . ." he picked up his book and added quickly, "But that doesn't prevent us from taking the idea and running with it . . ." He nodded, as Une pulled out her laptop again, "Indeed . . . this is an idea I wouldn't mind stealing at all . . ."

"Heero!!"

The door slammed open and the five pilots rolled out of bed instantly training their guns on the intruder. Relena gasped with shock, she was dressed in a flimsy pink thingy which she no doubt thought was very sexy despite having a very childish collar. Heero blinked as briefly the little girl and the damned puppy clouded his vision. Beside him, Duo swore coarsely prompting Relena to sniff haughtily. "Such language in front of a lady!"

Duo, grumpy and sleepy, snapped back. "Well, maybe when she arrives I'll apologise to her!"

Relena gasped again, as the braided boy pushed passed her and stormed out of the room. Quatre - ever the peacemaker - put his gun back into its holster under his pillow, and ran after Duo. He gave her a very curt nod as he passed her, almost rude for him. Trowa padded silently after Quatre, slipping his gun into his ankle holster that he'd worn to bed. He gave Heero a short apologetic look as he rounded the corner. Wufei glanced between the door, and Heero. The blue eyed boy was giving him the clearest expression of 'You leave me alone with her and I will kill you until you die from it', but then – he glanced at the blue eyed girl who was openly hinting to Heero with her eyes (making it look like she was having a blinking fit) that he was supposed to get rid of his fellow pilot. Wufei bit his lip and edged toward the door. "You know how much I care about . . . erm . . ." he stammered, "Well, actually I'm really quite hungry . . . so . . . I'll erm . . . uh, I'd better get to that cafeteria before all those OZ scum get there . . . so . . ." Wufei winced as he stubbed his toe on the doorframe. "You want anything Heero? No? okay, bye-bye!!"

//Kisama!!// Heero growled mentally as Wufei ran away. He glared at Relena, who was coming in an alarming proximity to touching him. "Oh Heero! Did you hear him?!" She threw herself into his arms, "Heero, did you hear what that Maxwell said to me?!"

Heero pushed her away from him, "Relena. It's very early in the morning. Is there a point to this?"

Relena blinked up at him owlishly, "You don't care that he insulted me like that?"

Heero pursed his lips and remained silent.

She sniffled as she sat on his bed, "Well . . . if you must know I've been thinking . . ."

//I thought I could smell smoke. . .// Heero blinked, the mental voice was quiet and teasing, and sounded very much like his best friend, Duo. He suppressed a snicker as she continued unaware.

". . . And I've come to the conclusion that while Wing is a very sweet individual, his personality should be changed."

Heero blinked.

Relena looked up at him, "Well . . . I'm perfectly willing to become the template for all of the new Gundams so you can---"

"Oh, dear sweet mother of bejeezus naked tap dancing Christ on a pogo stick singing 'oh my darlin' clementine'. . . HELL NO!!" Duo roared from the doorway. The four other pilots had returned to hear Relena's most . . . uh, generous offer. Relena stood and clamped herself to Heero's arm. She looked almost tragic had it not been for her cheeks flaming bright red and her eyes narrowing as she hissed, "Heh, I didn't expect you to have any common sense about the matter!" She sniffed, "if my personality was in place instead of yours, Heero's Gundam wouldn't run around the place like an imbecile."

"Now, see here! Quatre stepped forward, "you can't talk to Duo like that!"

"Yeah!" Wufei rallied unhelpfully, "only I'm allowed to do that!"

Duo trembled, and held up a hand. "Guys it's okay, let her . . ." he stepped forward, so he could face Relena. "What's your problem with me? Okay, ever since we met you've always had something against me! Even when I saved your life from Heero, you've never thanked me . . . anybody else probably woulda turned around and said, hey like thanks . . . you didn't need to do that, but thanks anyway . . ." he shook his head, and Heero could genuinely see pain in his eyes. "But not you . . . in fact, you've never referred to me by anything but my surname . . . you'll call Wufei by his name, you'll call Quatre by his name . . . Trowa never talks to you, so I don't know what you call him . . . but me?!"

Duo's voice had steadily increased in volume, and soon many people were gathered around. Well, by many people I mean, Treize, Une, Noin, Zechs – who was still sniffling – Howard – who was vocally encouraging his L2 friend – and Ensign Saratone and Marvin, Howard's engineer . . . who both look suspiciously rumpled, as if they'd tripped over one another into a broom closet.

Duo paid no attention as he continued to question Relena. "What have I done to offend you so much? Was it because I shot Heero? Or is it because I saved you? Is it because I fight in this war? Or is it because—"

"Because you're just some street kid!!" Relena tossed her head up, and unlatched herself from Heero. "You are nothing like Heero, you're just some urchin they pulled off the streets to fill a gap . . ." she motioned to his friends, and fellow pilots, "Look at them, they are all men of stature . . . their families are some of the most powerful in the earth sphere . . . and Heero here may have had a tragic past but he has ascended from that like a phoenix, to become a true knight!" Relena growled contemptuously, "and you have the audacity to call yourself a god!!"

Duo's shoulder slumped. Quatre shook his head and reached forward, placing his hand on his friend's shoulder, "Miss Peacecraft, you've got no right . . ."

Relena drew a breath, "I have every right . . . You shouldn't question my rights . . . what right does he have to call himself a god of death?!"

A pale hand reached up and pulled Quatre's from his shoulder, Duo drew his head up and nodded. He stared at Relena, "that's why?"

She nodded, her eyes still narrowed. "Every other pilot is serious about his duty . . . fights with all his honour, and never complains . . . you . . ." she snorted, "you hardly have any education, decorum . . . I know about you laughing over the radio when you fight, the way you mess about as if it's some kind of game . . . you've got no right to call yourself a pilot, let alone a god!"

"That's the way it is, huh?" Duo stepped back and took a deep, slow bow. He straightened, and looked at Heero. "Guess I won't be propping up your buffet table after all huh?" Duo turned, and started out of the room. He nodded to his friends as he passed them, and tapped a finger against his brow as he muttered to Zech, Noin, and Treize, "See you on the battlefield sometime . . ."

Duo paused in the doorway, and looked back. His jester's mask firmly in place.

"See ya around, guys . . . me and my buddy gotta do some talkin'. . ."

"Duo!" Quatre called out, "Stop . . . I'll come—"

"Nah, 's'okay Q . . ." Duo grinned, "I've gotta do it myself . . ." he made eye contact with Heero for a moment, before stepping out of the room. Heero's jaw was so tensed up; it looked like someone had wired his jaw shut. "Relena . . ."

"I must say," Relena began, "that I've never had to be that blunt but that Maxwell—"

"Relena. Be quiet."

She blinked and looked up at her knight in shining armour to find him glowering at her. "Why did you say that?" Heero ground out, "Why did you treat him like that?!"

"Because I'm right!"

"Miss Peacecraft." Quatre turned to her, the formality barely covering the ice in his voice, "That was wholly uncalled for. You are right about many things, the need for peace, the need for mankind to disarm . . . but over this you're are completely wrong. . ."

Wufei was slightly less than pleasant as he swore at her in Chinese, and turned on Heero, "Well? Aren't you supposed to go after him?!" Heero's eyes turned blank as the boy obviously didn't understand. Wufei slapped his forehead. . . and then walked over and slapped Yuy's for good measure, "Yuy, haven't you ever noticed that *you* are the only one Duo actually respects as a peer?! You're the only one he ever listens to . . ." the Chinese pilot pointed out the door, "Now go after him!"

Howard ran over to the window as a bright orange glow filled the room. "Too late . . ." he called back. Deathscythe was powered up and flying off already. Wing woke up suddenly, and looked up as the massive dark Gundam began to take off. The blue and white, winged Gundam glanced over at the base before jumping up and trying to grab Deathscythe's ankle. The dark Gundam kicked Wing's hand away, and spread its massive wings.

Heero watched with a sinking feeling as Deathscythe disappeared over the horizon.

Meanwhile . . .

"I like big butts and I cannot lie! You other brothers can't deny, and when a girl walk with an itty, bitty waist and a round thing in your face, you get---"

"You dirty old man, cut it out!"

Professor G crowed as he watched the women's volleyball tournament, he sipped at his drink and sat back. "I love life . . ." he blinked and grimaced as J bent over in front of him and not only blocked his view of the sun kissed bodies of the volleyball players, but also treated G to an unprecedented view of J's lily white backside, unshaven and barely covered by the grass skirts all five scientists had taken to wearing all the time. "Ewwwwww. . .  J, you are SO not made of glass . . . or sweet sweat covered hunny flesh . . ." he waved his hand irritably, "Move man!"

J grunted as he straightened, "I'm moving . . . I'm . . ." he trailed off as a dark shape appeared over the horizon. "G . . . I think Shinigami's actually come to make good on his promise . . ."

G sat up and raised a hand to shield his eyes from the sun as Duo's massive Gundam landed a little way off in the sea.

"Uh-oh, spaghetti oohs, Batman."

 ----------------------------

And Now It's Time to LEAVE IT TO DOCTOR MEGALOMANIA!!!

[ominous silence]

DrM: Relena. . . you've gone tooo far!!

Relena: [sniffs] Well, it looks like I've won this round. . . bah, it's about time we banished that idiot from this fic!

DrM: [growls but is powerless] Will Duo return?! Find out in the next chapter of Gundammit!!

Wing: I notice a distinct lack of me in here. . . [looks around] Hey, where's Deathscythe?! [glances around] and Duo?! [gasp] What happen? [stares at readers] Please Review, please!! Tell me what happened?! Duo?! Where are you?!

DrM: [eyetwitch] must resist. . . for the love of—[burst into song, to the turn of Scooby Doo] Shinigami Duo, where are you? We've got some work to do now! Shinigami Duo, where are you? We need some help from you now! Come on Shinigami, I see you. . . pretending you've got a -- [gets hit by Wing]

Wing: Shut up, where's Duo?!

DrM: [points in Relena's direction] Why not ask her? [grins happily as Wing starts to advance] Anyway, back to my previously tension building comment. . . Has Relena gone too far?! Will Duo return?! And will Heero ever find out what the hell he is supposed to do after throwing Duo up against a wall? Find Out in the next chapter of Gundammit!!